SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.

I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?

[Anonymous]

I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

OP here. She texts everyday glowing about her awesome adventures.

[Anonymous]

I would look at things differently OP. Living like your SIL is exhausting. I can’t imagine that she has much peace. Just be kind and patient and don’t push her to be negative. We are all just getting by in our own way.

[Anonymous]

Stop comparing yourself to someone's outsides, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

OP here. She texts everyday glowing about her awesome adventures.

That's just obnoxious. It also would make me wonder if she isn't overcompensating for the fact that things are not actually that awesome. It could also be that she thinks these texts are actually uplifting and helping other people. If you tell her how they affect you, she might get some new perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

OP here. She texts everyday glowing about her awesome adventures.

Well, if you don't want daily texts, you can just let her know that you prefer not to be in touch so frequently. But what's wrong with having a positive outlook, or celebrating the good things in life?

If I had to pick hearing from someone who was "glowing about her awesome adventures" or someone like you who sounds negative, problem-seeking, rude and judgmental, I'd pick her.

[Anonymous]

You’ve posted this before. Mute her texts (turn off notifications) and focus on fixing your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

OP here. She texts everyday glowing about her awesome adventures.

The fact she texts every day makes me think she has a compulsive need to appear perfect. Usually those people are al; about appearances. I have friends I genuinely admire, but they don't ever try to show off. They just have some great qualities-naturally optimistic, organized, etc and I try to learn from them and emulate it. The people who brag are not my cut of tea. I would just detach. Think about it, when you are happy and life is going well do you have a desire to get constant envy from others? no, if anything you want to lift them up and not make them feel bad. She is probably insecure and trying to prove to herself that life is perfect. Be polite to her. Detach. Ignore the texts and maybe just once a week when you are in the right mood you could text "Oh what a cute puppy! Glad you are keeping a positive attitude! So sorry I can't respond to texts as often because life is hectic right now. Happy to hear all is well with you!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

OP here. She texts everyday glowing about her awesome adventures.

That’s . . . a lot. Are these group texts? To you individually? Social media posts? I wouldn’t be jealous, I’d take it as a sign something is off. People who are truly living their best lives don’t feel the need to share about it all the time. They’re too busy doing whatever it is they do!

[Anonymous]

Posting about her adventures every day is a huge crack in her armor.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I don't know if you're exactly a reliable narrator. If there's some kind of family group chat and her contributions are positive, then...that's totally fine, normal and nothing for you to get your knickers twisted over.

If it is just her to you out of the blue, and you think she's bragging or exaggerating, then why don't you just tell her that you can't text everyday. Speak up!

I don't see what the problem is. If she tried a new cookie recipe and it was great, that's nice. If she took the kids on a hike and here's a picture, that's nice. If she read a new book and loved it, that's nice.

It honestly sounds like the problem is your insecurity and general negativity.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP you might want to check out the IG of Elizabeth-Chambers, wife of Armie "I love Cannibalism and drugs" Hammer. Everything is beautiful, wealthy, sunshine and roses. She's gorgeous with a movie star husband who is from mega wealth and gorgeous children living now in the Cayman Islands. IG is so well curated and lovely and she stays skinny (too skinny IMO0 while owning bakeries and going on cooking shows. Perfect, perfect....except lurking under it all..


Movie star husband is accused of being physically abusive toward his affair partners, he texts about cannibalism, he has been accused of rape, there are several books about generations of corruption, violence and even sexual abuse in his family, he seems to be a drug addict and ...well my point is all is not perfect there. Pretty pictures and tales of perfection are just those. Happy people don't need to share endless photos and tales of perfection. They share their good news now and then, but they don't need to convince anyone life is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, I don't know if you're exactly a reliable narrator. If there's some kind of family group chat and her contributions are positive, then...that's totally fine, normal and nothing for you to get your knickers twisted over.

If it is just her to you out of the blue, and you think she's bragging or exaggerating, then why don't you just tell her that you can't text everyday. Speak up!

I don't see what the problem is. If she tried a new cookie recipe and it was great, that's nice. If she took the kids on a hike and here's a picture, that's nice. If she read a new book and loved it, that's nice.

It honestly sounds like the problem is your insecurity and general negativity.

I'm not an outwardly negative person. This is more internal for me.

[Anonymous]

This has to do more with you then with her. It means there is something lacking in your life that you want to change.

Also, some people don’t like to tell others when they are unhappy, so she only shares the happy moments.