Disagreement About Childcare

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the wrong crowd to bring up BS security excuses. Oftentimes it seems as if half of DC has clearances and you’re on a moms site. We know the rules. It’s also not hard to find a nanny who is willing to be paid on the books. It’s actually quite common around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

OP here. Our parents have been helping us both all of them are old and can’t handle a mobile toddler. All have issues such as disc disease, nerve issues, arthritis, etc., and 8 hour days is becoming too much for them. Both set of parents have said they can no longer help us after the holidays.

Ahhh. Okay, this makes sense. I understand now.

Well, your initial question was about how to come to an agreement. What I would recommend is to write out all the potential options (be creative!) None of your options are perfect - so don't take anything off the table. Sounds like you've got:

1) You take an extended leave of absence for a year or so (husband's preference)
2) You put your baby into daycare (your preference)

But you should move beyond that too!
3) You take a shorter leave of absence - say until March? when you're more comfortable putting the baby in daycare.
4) Your husband takes a leave of absence
5) You get a nanny, and soundproof a room
6) You get a nanny, and deal with some overhearing
7) You get a nanny, and your husband works elsewhere
8) You find a nanny share who is willing to host
9) You find an in-home daycare
10) You stagger your schedules and live without childcare (this might be a couple of different options, kinda like the nanny thing, depending on different ways you could handle it, which depends on your kid and your jobs) until March.
11) etc, etc. Be creative - think outside the box.

Then I would take your list, sit with your husband, and talk about the pros and cons of each option. Focus on LISTENING to your partner, and what he likes and doesn't like about each option. Then, I think a good starting point would be for each of you, individually, to rank your the list from fav to least fav option. This exercise might shake something loose. There will probably be options that neither of you put in your top 5 - so those are out. But maybe one of the other options will be a surprise compromise - live-with-able for a few months. If you're still stuck - maybe move from scenarios to sacrifices - I would say that you each get one thing you're NOT willing to do, but you can't have 5 things you're unwilling to do.

So - if he is completely unwilling to have his conversations be overheard, he might have to get comfortable with the idea of daycare. Or vis-versa.

If you are unwilling to quit your job, then you may need to get comfortable with a nanny share. Or vis-versa.

Communicate, communicate. Plan some longer blocks of time to calmly discuss after the baby goes to bed over the next couple weeks.

And remember - your goal CANNOT be to win. It HAS to be - to get to the best decision for your family unit as a whole. Keep your mind open!

I'm the PP - I would add option 12) Could the grandparents handle a shorter time? Two hours every other day, from two sets of grandparents, would get you a solid block of time to both work, is waaaayyyy less than 8 hours a day, and with that and some staggering and working in the evenings, you may be able to hang on a couple more months.

OP here. I need a full day. My job is based where we used to live and I’m on their time. I’m on zoom calls most of the day. We both work after we put our child to bed ( 8) until 10/11 most nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

OP here. Our parents have been helping us both all of them are old and can’t handle a mobile toddler. All have issues such as disc disease, nerve issues, arthritis, etc., and 8 hour days is becoming too much for them. Both set of parents have said they can no longer help us after the holidays.

Ahhh. Okay, this makes sense. I understand now.

Well, your initial question was about how to come to an agreement. What I would recommend is to write out all the potential options (be creative!) None of your options are perfect - so don't take anything off the table. Sounds like you've got:

1) You take an extended leave of absence for a year or so (husband's preference)
2) You put your baby into daycare (your preference)

But you should move beyond that too!
3) You take a shorter leave of absence - say until March? when you're more comfortable putting the baby in daycare.
4) Your husband takes a leave of absence
5) You get a nanny, and soundproof a room
6) You get a nanny, and deal with some overhearing
7) You get a nanny, and your husband works elsewhere
8) You find a nanny share who is willing to host
9) You find an in-home daycare
10) You stagger your schedules and live without childcare (this might be a couple of different options, kinda like the nanny thing, depending on different ways you could handle it, which depends on your kid and your jobs) until March.
11) etc, etc. Be creative - think outside the box.

Then I would take your list, sit with your husband, and talk about the pros and cons of each option. Focus on LISTENING to your partner, and what he likes and doesn't like about each option. Then, I think a good starting point would be for each of you, individually, to rank your the list from fav to least fav option. This exercise might shake something loose. There will probably be options that neither of you put in your top 5 - so those are out. But maybe one of the other options will be a surprise compromise - live-with-able for a few months. If you're still stuck - maybe move from scenarios to sacrifices - I would say that you each get one thing you're NOT willing to do, but you can't have 5 things you're unwilling to do.

So - if he is completely unwilling to have his conversations be overheard, he might have to get comfortable with the idea of daycare. Or vis-versa.

If you are unwilling to quit your job, then you may need to get comfortable with a nanny share. Or vis-versa.

Communicate, communicate. Plan some longer blocks of time to calmly discuss after the baby goes to bed over the next couple weeks.

And remember - your goal CANNOT be to win. It HAS to be - to get to the best decision for your family unit as a whole. Keep your mind open!

While i agree that neither of them should have the goal to win, OP should absolutely go in with the goal of not quitting her job or making material changes to her career path, in order to satisfy her DH's arbitrary issue that he doesn't want an extra body in their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

OP here. Our parents have been helping us both all of them are old and can’t handle a mobile toddler. All have issues such as disc disease, nerve issues, arthritis, etc., and 8 hour days is becoming too much for them. Both set of parents have said they can no longer help us after the holidays.

Ahhh. Okay, this makes sense. I understand now.

Well, your initial question was about how to come to an agreement. What I would recommend is to write out all the potential options (be creative!) None of your options are perfect - so don't take anything off the table. Sounds like you've got:

1) You take an extended leave of absence for a year or so (husband's preference)
2) You put your baby into daycare (your preference)

But you should move beyond that too!
3) You take a shorter leave of absence - say until March? when you're more comfortable putting the baby in daycare.
4) Your husband takes a leave of absence
5) You get a nanny, and soundproof a room
6) You get a nanny, and deal with some overhearing
7) You get a nanny, and your husband works elsewhere
8) You find a nanny share who is willing to host
9) You find an in-home daycare
10) You stagger your schedules and live without childcare (this might be a couple of different options, kinda like the nanny thing, depending on different ways you could handle it, which depends on your kid and your jobs) until March.
11) etc, etc. Be creative - think outside the box.

Then I would take your list, sit with your husband, and talk about the pros and cons of each option. Focus on LISTENING to your partner, and what he likes and doesn't like about each option. Then, I think a good starting point would be for each of you, individually, to rank your the list from fav to least fav option. This exercise might shake something loose. There will probably be options that neither of you put in your top 5 - so those are out. But maybe one of the other options will be a surprise compromise - live-with-able for a few months. If you're still stuck - maybe move from scenarios to sacrifices - I would say that you each get one thing you're NOT willing to do, but you can't have 5 things you're unwilling to do.

So - if he is completely unwilling to have his conversations be overheard, he might have to get comfortable with the idea of daycare. Or vis-versa.

If you are unwilling to quit your job, then you may need to get comfortable with a nanny share. Or vis-versa.

Communicate, communicate. Plan some longer blocks of time to calmly discuss after the baby goes to bed over the next couple weeks.

And remember - your goal CANNOT be to win. It HAS to be - to get to the best decision for your family unit as a whole. Keep your mind open!

I'm the PP - I would add option 12) Could the grandparents handle a shorter time? Two hours every other day, from two sets of grandparents, would get you a solid block of time to both work, is waaaayyyy less than 8 hours a day, and with that and some staggering and working in the evenings, you may be able to hang on a couple more months.

OP here. I need a full day. My job is based where we used to live and I’m on their time. I’m on zoom calls most of the day. We both work after we put our child to bed ( 8) until 10/11 most nights.

I'm the PP.

It feel, based on your responses throughout this thread, that both you and your husband have decided individually what is best, and now you're both just dismissing everything else as a bad idea or not workable. You're in for a long journey of parenting together if that's how you approach problems. I listed out above 11-12 options for how you could handle this. Rank them. The aren't ALL unworkable - you just don't like them. If you're not willing to say on an anonymous forum, which options are the best-of-the-worst, then you're focused on winning and getting your way, not on doing what's best for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

OP here. Our parents have been helping us both all of them are old and can’t handle a mobile toddler. All have issues such as disc disease, nerve issues, arthritis, etc., and 8 hour days is becoming too much for them. Both set of parents have said they can no longer help us after the holidays.

Ahhh. Okay, this makes sense. I understand now.

Well, your initial question was about how to come to an agreement. What I would recommend is to write out all the potential options (be creative!) None of your options are perfect - so don't take anything off the table. Sounds like you've got:

1) You take an extended leave of absence for a year or so (husband's preference)
2) You put your baby into daycare (your preference)

But you should move beyond that too!
3) You take a shorter leave of absence - say until March? when you're more comfortable putting the baby in daycare.
4) Your husband takes a leave of absence
5) You get a nanny, and soundproof a room
6) You get a nanny, and deal with some overhearing
7) You get a nanny, and your husband works elsewhere
8) You find a nanny share who is willing to host
9) You find an in-home daycare
10) You stagger your schedules and live without childcare (this might be a couple of different options, kinda like the nanny thing, depending on different ways you could handle it, which depends on your kid and your jobs) until March.
11) etc, etc. Be creative - think outside the box.

Then I would take your list, sit with your husband, and talk about the pros and cons of each option. Focus on LISTENING to your partner, and what he likes and doesn't like about each option. Then, I think a good starting point would be for each of you, individually, to rank your the list from fav to least fav option. This exercise might shake something loose. There will probably be options that neither of you put in your top 5 - so those are out. But maybe one of the other options will be a surprise compromise - live-with-able for a few months. If you're still stuck - maybe move from scenarios to sacrifices - I would say that you each get one thing you're NOT willing to do, but you can't have 5 things you're unwilling to do.

So - if he is completely unwilling to have his conversations be overheard, he might have to get comfortable with the idea of daycare. Or vis-versa.

If you are unwilling to quit your job, then you may need to get comfortable with a nanny share. Or vis-versa.

Communicate, communicate. Plan some longer blocks of time to calmly discuss after the baby goes to bed over the next couple weeks.

And remember - your goal CANNOT be to win. It HAS to be - to get to the best decision for your family unit as a whole. Keep your mind open!

While i agree that neither of them should have the goal to win, OP should absolutely go in with the goal of not quitting her job or making material changes to her career path, in order to satisfy her DH's arbitrary issue that he doesn't want an extra body in their house.

PP here - this is a really fair point, but I don't want to put values into someone else's decision making. To me, this falls into the "having one thing you're NOT willing to do" being super reasonable, but maybe that's not what's most important to the OP. I agree with you, if it was me, not quitting my job would be my #1 priority, but that may not be the case for the OP.

[Anonymous]

ok, after 6 pages of discussion OP continually shoots down every idea and says the only possible options are daycare (which her husband doesn't want) or quitting her job (which she doesn't want). you don't want our advice or opinions, so it seems like you should just solve this on your own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.

Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?

I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.

Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?

I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.

OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.

A famous quote

“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.

With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.

Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?

I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.

OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.

A famous quote

“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.

With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.

OP here. My husband is part of law enforcement for her government. He worked in the field before his desk job and carried a gun. He now carries it when he goes into the office and for safety purposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.

Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?

I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.

OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.

A famous quote

“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.

With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.

Yeah. You are nuts. I can’t believe you have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.

Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?

I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.

OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.

A famous quote

“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.

With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.

OP here. My husband is part of law enforcement for her government. He worked in the field before his desk job and carried a gun. He now carries it when he goes into the office and for safety purposes.

Are you foreign? Maybe stop posting about your foreign government, super secret, gun-toting job on an American internet site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.

Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?

I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.

OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.

A famous quote

“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.

With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.

OP here. My husband is part of law enforcement for her government. He worked in the field before his desk job and carried a gun. He now carries it when he goes into the office and for safety purposes.

* the

I’m not a troll. We both value safety and the importance of protecting ones self. Often times the cops come too late, and with the current state of the world, we have them. I’ve been through a very traumatic situation in the past and a gun makes me feel modern confident to protect myself. My husband also carries a firearm for his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Agree. And the firearm excuse is BS too. Plenty of us have firearms and keep them in secure safes made for that purpose (and don't advertise the fact that we have firearms). Or does your super-important James Bond husband just keep his guns lying around next to your kid's play dough?

OP here. My husband has a firearm he carries for work, but the rest are for protection. We keep them in a safe locked away. No one has access to our guns but us.

Four guns in the house for protection??? You’re both insane. What are you gonna do when the intruders come? Ask them to wait a minute while you unlock the safe and put four guns together? Ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to nanny for you, but it would have nothing to do with the guns. It would be because you’re clearly nuts.

Also, your husband doesn’t carry a weapon for work. He works from home managing programs or whatever bs you’re claiming. What exactly is the gun for?

I’m fairly confident this is 90% trolling.

OP here. One is for his job, one handgun, one shotgun, and one AR-15. Our guns are always ready to go. We need to protect ourselves.

A famous quote

“ People rely on the police to keep them safe. That’s the problem”.

With the current state of our world, it’s best we have the means to protect ourselves.

OP here. My husband is part of law enforcement for her government. He worked in the field before his desk job and carried a gun. He now carries it when he goes into the office and for safety purposes.

Are you foreign? Maybe stop posting about your foreign government, super secret, gun-toting job on an American internet site.

OP here. We’re both American. Born and raised. Husband is former military.