Disagreement About Childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Fits right into the DC scene!

[Anonymous]

Anyone “managing programs from their condo” isn’t really doing secure work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

OP here. Our parents have been helping us both all of them are old and can’t handle a mobile toddler. All have issues such as disc disease, nerve issues, arthritis, etc., and 8 hour days is becoming too much for them. Both set of parents have said they can no longer help us after the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational

Fits right into the DC scene!

But guys he got a promo! And he’s a middle manager working from the other side of his condo! That’s just like the pentagon, you know! Especially since he owns five guns!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a DH try and come up with so many excuses to get his wife to quit her job.

Confidential info! Firearms! Covid!

He is full of crap about all of this and clearly just wants you to quit your job. Hard stop.

Why does he want you to quit your job so badly? That's the real question.

OP here. He only wants me to quit my job with the pandemic. We are trying for a second child and ideally I would go back after maternity leave. That is his logic. We have enough in savings for me to stay home. I don’t love my job, but we need it for our long term financial goals.

Nah, still doesn't add up. He wants his cake and eat it to - as in, he wants you to handle the childcare during this shit covid work from home time, and then handle the shit childcare during your maternity leave time (which isn't actually maternity leave - because you won't have a job), and then since there's no rush back to work since you don't have a maternity leave end date, he'll want you to stay home for 2-3 years after the baby is born and handle all that shit time, and then go back to work. Basically, he wants you to handle all the worst childcare years so he can not have to worry about the drama, and then go back to work but you take the career hit for having taken so much time off. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What job does he have that he cannot have a Nanny in his home?

He should not force you to quite if you do not need to, Either find a share in someone elses home, or do daycare.

OP here. My husband works for the federal government and is on the phone all day talking about very top every information. He does not feel comfortable having someone in the home who could possibly overhead certain things. He’s not a spy or anything, but he manages a handful of programs for the government.

That’s ridiculous.

I know a ton of people, including my DH, who have TS/SCI w/FSP who have a nanny. I had TS while in the government, You just need to hire a US citizen and pay on the books. Any written classified info is dealt with at the office, in a SCIF if necessary. Your DH is BSing you. I don’t even think our nanny knows what DH does for a living,

[Anonymous]

Why do you have so many guns? That’s an excessive amount.

[Anonymous]

OP acknowledged - the job isn't that secretive but her DH really just doesn't want another person in their home. Ding ding ding.

OP if your DH has a problem with another person in the home while he's working, his choice is: (i) deal with it; (ii) quit his job to take care of the baby; or (iii) start going into the office or rent a private workshare space (which might be comparable to a nanny cost). If he has the issue, it shouldn't be for you to have to solve it through your own, life-altering job change.

Easy!

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the guns, tell your husband to stop commuting security violations at home, and hire a nanny. This is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a DH try and come up with so many excuses to get his wife to quit her job.

Confidential info! Firearms! Covid!

He is full of crap about all of this and clearly just wants you to quit your job. Hard stop.

Why does he want you to quit your job so badly? That's the real question.

OP here. He only wants me to quit my job with the pandemic. We are trying for a second child and ideally I would go back after maternity leave. That is his logic. We have enough in savings for me to stay home. I don’t love my job, but we need it for our long term financial goals.

Nah, still doesn't add up. He wants his cake and eat it to - as in, he wants you to handle the childcare during this shit covid work from home time, and then handle the shit childcare during your maternity leave time (which isn't actually maternity leave - because you won't have a job), and then since there's no rush back to work since you don't have a maternity leave end date, he'll want you to stay home for 2-3 years after the baby is born and handle all that shit time, and then go back to work. Basically, he wants you to handle all the worst childcare years so he can not have to worry about the drama, and then go back to work but you take the career hit for having taken so much time off. Gross.

This is the gist of it. Not that hard to figure out.

[Anonymous]

He can’t be that important or he’d be required to work in a scif so he’s making excuses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP acknowledged - the job isn't that secretive but her DH really just doesn't want another person in their home. Ding ding ding.

OP if your DH has a problem with another person in the home while he's working, his choice is: (i) deal with it; (ii) quit his job to take care of the baby; or (iii) start going into the office or rent a private workshare space (which might be comparable to a nanny cost). If he has the issue, it shouldn't be for you to have to solve it through your own, life-altering job change.

Easy!

Or use daycare!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

OP here. Our parents have been helping us both all of them are old and can’t handle a mobile toddler. All have issues such as disc disease, nerve issues, arthritis, etc., and 8 hour days is becoming too much for them. Both set of parents have said they can no longer help us after the holidays.

Ahhh. Okay, this makes sense. I understand now.

Well, your initial question was about how to come to an agreement. What I would recommend is to write out all the potential options (be creative!) None of your options are perfect - so don't take anything off the table. Sounds like you've got:

1) You take an extended leave of absence for a year or so (husband's preference)
2) You put your baby into daycare (your preference)

But you should move beyond that too!
3) You take a shorter leave of absence - say until March? when you're more comfortable putting the baby in daycare.
4) Your husband takes a leave of absence
5) You get a nanny, and soundproof a room
6) You get a nanny, and deal with some overhearing
7) You get a nanny, and your husband works elsewhere
8) You find a nanny share who is willing to host
9) You find an in-home daycare
10) You stagger your schedules and live without childcare (this might be a couple of different options, kinda like the nanny thing, depending on different ways you could handle it, which depends on your kid and your jobs) until March.
11) etc, etc. Be creative - think outside the box.

Then I would take your list, sit with your husband, and talk about the pros and cons of each option. Focus on LISTENING to your partner, and what he likes and doesn't like about each option. Then, I think a good starting point would be for each of you, individually, to rank your the list from fav to least fav option. This exercise might shake something loose. There will probably be options that neither of you put in your top 5 - so those are out. But maybe one of the other options will be a surprise compromise - live-with-able for a few months. If you're still stuck - maybe move from scenarios to sacrifices - I would say that you each get one thing you're NOT willing to do, but you can't have 5 things you're unwilling to do.

So - if he is completely unwilling to have his conversations be overheard, he might have to get comfortable with the idea of daycare. Or vis-versa.

If you are unwilling to quit your job, then you may need to get comfortable with a nanny share. Or vis-versa.

Communicate, communicate. Plan some longer blocks of time to calmly discuss after the baby goes to bed over the next couple weeks.

And remember - your goal CANNOT be to win. It HAS to be - to get to the best decision for your family unit as a whole. Keep your mind open!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he is making excuses but not sure why. There are plenty of high up secret squirrel people who have nannies/babysitters/housecleaners. I actually worked as a Nanny for 3 months for an FBI agent and you know he was doing secret squirrel stuff.............
He needs an officer with a door that closes.

Or you do daycare or nanny share in someone elses home. Either way, he is making this harder on you when its him that has the issue.

I agree. Not to mention that, if it were truly that sensitive, it would be classified and he'd have to be using a SCIF. Usually only cabinet secretaries have actual facilities and authority to work on classified matters at home. I think husband has other reasons and is making up excuses. OP, if you give up your job, don't assume you can ever go back at the same level 1+ year from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

OP here. Our parents have been helping us both all of them are old and can’t handle a mobile toddler. All have issues such as disc disease, nerve issues, arthritis, etc., and 8 hour days is becoming too much for them. Both set of parents have said they can no longer help us after the holidays.

Ahhh. Okay, this makes sense. I understand now.

Well, your initial question was about how to come to an agreement. What I would recommend is to write out all the potential options (be creative!) None of your options are perfect - so don't take anything off the table. Sounds like you've got:

1) You take an extended leave of absence for a year or so (husband's preference)
2) You put your baby into daycare (your preference)

But you should move beyond that too!
3) You take a shorter leave of absence - say until March? when you're more comfortable putting the baby in daycare.
4) Your husband takes a leave of absence
5) You get a nanny, and soundproof a room
6) You get a nanny, and deal with some overhearing
7) You get a nanny, and your husband works elsewhere
8) You find a nanny share who is willing to host
9) You find an in-home daycare
10) You stagger your schedules and live without childcare (this might be a couple of different options, kinda like the nanny thing, depending on different ways you could handle it, which depends on your kid and your jobs) until March.
11) etc, etc. Be creative - think outside the box.

Then I would take your list, sit with your husband, and talk about the pros and cons of each option. Focus on LISTENING to your partner, and what he likes and doesn't like about each option. Then, I think a good starting point would be for each of you, individually, to rank your the list from fav to least fav option. This exercise might shake something loose. There will probably be options that neither of you put in your top 5 - so those are out. But maybe one of the other options will be a surprise compromise - live-with-able for a few months. If you're still stuck - maybe move from scenarios to sacrifices - I would say that you each get one thing you're NOT willing to do, but you can't have 5 things you're unwilling to do.

So - if he is completely unwilling to have his conversations be overheard, he might have to get comfortable with the idea of daycare. Or vis-versa.

If you are unwilling to quit your job, then you may need to get comfortable with a nanny share. Or vis-versa.

Communicate, communicate. Plan some longer blocks of time to calmly discuss after the baby goes to bed over the next couple weeks.

And remember - your goal CANNOT be to win. It HAS to be - to get to the best decision for your family unit as a whole. Keep your mind open!

I'm the PP - I would add option 12) Could the grandparents handle a shorter time? Two hours every other day, from two sets of grandparents, would get you a solid block of time to both work, is waaaayyyy less than 8 hours a day, and with that and some staggering and working in the evenings, you may be able to hang on a couple more months.