Family keeps asking me how the baby is doing not how I am doing

[Anonymous]

Get over yourself, OP. You chose to have a baby. Try having a parent with Stage 4 cancer and having most of your friends not even ask you how your parent is doing or how you are coping with a very intense and stressful situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please. Being a mother doesn’t have to be a martyr. Many new mothers are pampered in other cultures. Only in this sick culture we expect new mom to suffer.

In which cultures and for how long? I am guessing OP is past that phase.

Plenty of cultures. In korean Chinese and Vietnamese cultures the mother is just supposed to sit there while her relatives help take care of her and the baby for a whole month. I think also in mexican culture. OP obviously just had a baby, so no she is not out of the time frame. Shame on you harpies for piling on a new mother at her most vulnerable.

These cultures are not exactly known for empowered women or women’s rights. I don’t think that’s the direction we want to go.

I know several 2nd gen Chinese and Korean mothers who did this -- the mothers stayed mostly in bed for a month and her family came to prepare meals, clean the house, run errands, etc. Not everyone I know liked this (it kind of depends on your personality and what your family is like), but they definitely don't complain about not being supported or helped.

I will also say that all of the women I know in these families are very empowered. There may be issues with womens' empowerment in their parents home countries, but I think this level of familial support can be very empowering -- it is the family coming together and saying "This child is important and caring for the child's mother is the best way to ensure the child gets what he needs." It's very practical. The American, individualistic approach is very isolating for women and I think it makes women unsure in motherhood -- they get so little support and people second-guess everything they do, and I think that's why you see so many anxious, perfectionist, insecure parents in the US. There is no cultural imperative of support. It's kill or be killed.

I’m Mexican and it was never about me. It was all about my baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please. Being a mother doesn’t have to be a martyr. Many new mothers are pampered in other cultures. Only in this sick culture we expect new mom to suffer.

In which cultures and for how long? I am guessing OP is past that phase.

Plenty of cultures. In korean Chinese and Vietnamese cultures the mother is just supposed to sit there while her relatives help take care of her and the baby for a whole month. I think also in mexican culture. OP obviously just had a baby, so no she is not out of the time frame. Shame on you harpies for piling on a new mother at her most vulnerable.

These cultures are not exactly known for empowered women or women’s rights. I don’t think that’s the direction we want to go.

I know several 2nd gen Chinese and Korean mothers who did this -- the mothers stayed mostly in bed for a month and her family came to prepare meals, clean the house, run errands, etc. Not everyone I know liked this (it kind of depends on your personality and what your family is like), but they definitely don't complain about not being supported or helped.

I will also say that all of the women I know in these families are very empowered. There may be issues with womens' empowerment in their parents home countries, but I think this level of familial support can be very empowering -- it is the family coming together and saying "This child is important and caring for the child's mother is the best way to ensure the child gets what he needs." It's very practical. The American, individualistic approach is very isolating for women and I think it makes women unsure in motherhood -- they get so little support and people second-guess everything they do, and I think that's why you see so many anxious, perfectionist, insecure parents in the US. There is no cultural imperative of support. It's kill or be killed.

I’m Mexican and it was never about me. It was all about my baby.

The quoting with strange on that post. I said “ I’m Mexican and it was never about me. It was all about my baby”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself, OP. You chose to have a baby. Try having a parent with Stage 4 cancer and having most of your friends not even ask you how your parent is doing or how you are coping with a very intense and stressful situation.

I am sorry about your parent, and that you do not feel like you are getting support from your friends. I had a baby right after my FIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and like both you and OP, I didn't feel like people offered my much if any support. So now I am extra empathetic to people who are struggling and make a point of checking in on people when I know they are in the thick of it, whether that's a brand new baby or an ailing parent. I would never tell anyone to get over themselves or invalidate their feelings, because I know how deeply unkind this is, and how vulnerable a person in this situation is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to being a mother, where it is not all about you

+1

This

Please. Being a mother doesn’t have to be a martyr. Many new mothers are pampered in other cultures. Only in this sick culture we expect new mom to suffer.

In which cultures and for how long? I am guessing OP is past that phase.

Plenty of cultures. In korean Chinese and Vietnamese cultures the mother is just supposed to sit there while her relatives help take care of her and the baby for a whole month. I think also in mexican culture. OP obviously just had a baby, so no she is not out of the time frame. Shame on you harpies for piling on a new mother at her most vulnerable.

These cultures are not exactly known for empowered women or women’s rights. I don’t think that’s the direction we want to go.

Oh heavens. Cultures that take care of their mothers are not empowered, the irony. You sound like a frog at the bottom of the well that have never actually been to China, korea or Vietnam. And coming from a culture currently trying to confirm a Supreme Court justice that will take away women’s rights doesn’t sound like this culture empowers women either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself, OP. You chose to have a baby. Try having a parent with Stage 4 cancer and having most of your friends not even ask you how your parent is doing or how you are coping with a very intense and stressful situation.

You sound bitter. Just because you don’t have support probably because you are a mean bitter person doesn’t mean you get to spew venom on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are coming for the birth and this is my concern- I feel like they are here for the baby and not for me. I want people to help ME, not to just want to hold the baby and coo over him. MIL is not the type that will cook or clean for me. I feel so resentful that they are coming.

Wow. What a little princess.

Me me MEEEEEE look at ME!

[Anonymous]

OP, are there people you're close to that you can share your feelings about this with? I had a friend come visit after my first was born who is not a baby person...and part of why I was so excited to see her was that I knew she'd care more about me than DD.

I'm Indian-American, and in Indian culture there is the idea of mothers needing 40 days of rest and recuperation post-partum. My mom's no the warmest person in general, but it was nice to have her here talking about needing to take care of "her baby" (i.e. me). American culture is insane in its expectations of moms bouncing back post-partum. Not even western European countries/cultures have that expectation.

[Anonymous]

It is great and important for you to put yourself first and take care of yourself. But there is a brand new person in the world that is fragile, helpless and cannot survive on its own. So people are understandably focused on it. Plus that baby is the center of your attention right now. You are watching over it, too. In that sense, they are joining and helping you. Also, you really are included in the concern. If you were in the process of building a house, they would ask, "How is the house going?" And that would be about you and your house. This is an opening to talk about you and your project.

In the end, you want people to really care about and focus on your baby, because that means that it is most likely to be loved and thrive. This is also their chance to bond with the new baby, which means that they will help protect it and keep it safe.

Hang in there, mom!

[Anonymous]

And the bitchy mean girl hatefulness continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are coming for the birth and this is my concern- I feel like they are here for the baby and not for me. I want people to help ME, not to just want to hold the baby and coo over him. MIL is not the type that will cook or clean for me. I feel so resentful that they are coming.

Tell them not to then. You're a big girl. Prioritize yourself if no one else will do it. If you're not going to speak up though, then STFU about it and stop complaining.

DH will not hear of them not coming. We have had fights about this. I spoke up for myself and it didn’t work. Thanks for making me feel worse!

Yikes.

How long are they staying?

You need to stay in your room and do nothing. Seriously. Hold the baby asking as you want. The newborn phase is all about mom and baby. Also, what about YOUR mom? Your DH sounds like an a$$ for insisting you host his family postpartum.

They are staying in a hotel nearby for 2 weeks (not our apartment, which is too small to host them). But I’m guessing they will come over during the day to see baby.

It's not all about YOU. There is a new life and new member of the family - that is exciting and worth celebrating. If you feel like you're going to need help, then line up help but there's no reason to be upset that your in-laws want to meet their grandchild.

Seriously hope you are doing ok, Op, and sorry you aren’t getting the support you need from your family. Good thing that they are staying in a hotel. You can set boundaries and say please do not come before 10am or 11am or you can say it would really be helpful if you could come at X time. Definitely rely on takeout while they are there if you can afford it. You nap while the baby naps. If you can stand someone else doing your laundry (I can’t), see if your dh will ask them in advance if they will help with that or make a list of what you do need help with and see if dh will pre-clear with them. Maybe while baby is napping they can run to grocery store or Target for you? It’s been awhile since I’ve had a baby so I can’t remember exactly what you’d need but maybe others can come up with concrete things they could do.

[Anonymous]

I’m rolling my eyes at these replies essentially gaslighting the OP into thinking that some help and attention after major surgery or vaginal delivery is somehow not part of American Culture (TM). Really none of you have ever made or participated in a meal train for a new mom? Ever heard of postpartum doulas? In some religious communities there are hospital/hotels for new mothers to ensure they get that recovery and bonding time, yes, right here in the US of A.

OP, I’m five weeks postpartum, and COVID threw a wrench in our works big time since both sets of grandparents are high risk. My mother would otherwise have been here helping with the house and insisting I rest, and my mother in law would have been making even more meals for us than she already has. My parents offered to pay for a postpartum doula since they couldn’t visit because they consider the help for the new mother a non-negotiable is a new baby. Your feelings and expectations are valid, and it’s absolutely reasonable to discuss these with your husband who needs to be the cruise director here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m rolling my eyes at these replies essentially gaslighting the OP into thinking that some help and attention after major surgery or vaginal delivery is somehow not part of American Culture (TM). Really none of you have ever made or participated in a meal train for a new mom? Ever heard of postpartum doulas? In some religious communities there are hospital/hotels for new mothers to ensure they get that recovery and bonding time, yes, right here in the US of A.

OP, I’m five weeks postpartum, and COVID threw a wrench in our works big time since both sets of grandparents are high risk. My mother would otherwise have been here helping with the house and insisting I rest, and my mother in law would have been making even more meals for us than she already has. My parents offered to pay for a postpartum doula since they couldn’t visit because they consider the help for the new mother a non-negotiable is a new baby. Your feelings and expectations are valid, and it’s absolutely reasonable to discuss these with your husband who needs to be the cruise director here.

Lol you have to HIRE a post party doula and they’re not cheap. Isn’t that proving the point? Used to be your mom, MIL, aunts, godmother, etc. who would have done that stuff for you. Other countries pay for it through taxes.