Family keeps asking me how the baby is doing not how I am doing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please. Being a mother doesn’t have to be a martyr. Many new mothers are pampered in other cultures. Only in this sick culture we expect new mom to suffer.

In which cultures and for how long? I am guessing OP is past that phase.

Plenty of cultures. In korean Chinese and Vietnamese cultures the mother is just supposed to sit there while her relatives help take care of her and the baby for a whole month. I think also in mexican culture. OP obviously just had a baby, so no she is not out of the time frame. Shame on you harpies for piling on a new mother at her most vulnerable.

These cultures are not exactly known for empowered women or women’s rights. I don’t think that’s the direction we want to go.

I know several 2nd gen Chinese and Korean mothers who did this -- the mothers stayed mostly in bed for a month and her family came to prepare meals, clean the house, run errands, etc. Not everyone I know liked this (it kind of depends on your personality and what your family is like), but they definitely don't complain about not being supported or helped.

I will also say that all of the women I know in these families are very empowered. There may be issues with womens' empowerment in their parents home countries, but I think this level of familial support can be very empowering -- it is the family coming together and saying "This child is important and caring for the child's mother is the best way to ensure the child gets what he needs." It's very practical. The American, individualistic approach is very isolating for women and I think it makes women unsure in motherhood -- they get so little support and people second-guess everything they do, and I think that's why you see so many anxious, perfectionist, insecure parents in the US. There is no cultural imperative of support. It's kill or be killed.

[Anonymous]

^^Something weird happened with my formatting -- only the last two paragraphs are mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:welcome to being a mother, where it is not all about you

It’s literally never about you. Don’t be selfish op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are pregnant women that complain about people asking how they're dong all the time. People don't know what you want or don't want unless you tell them. You need to learn to communicate.

Relative: How's the baby doing?

You: Baby's great. I'm feeling crummy today though. It hurts my feelings that you keep asking how the baby is, but not how I am.

Relative: Oh my goodness! I didn't realize I was doing that. I'm sorry.

I would think she was an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Frankly they probably never cared about you. You just thought they did. I’m friendly with my sisters and sister in laws but I really cared more about my nieces and nephews than them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormonal and really sensitive right now but if my family asks me one more time how the baby is doing and never following up with how I am doing I am going to lose my mind. I am not an incubator

Yes you are. Asking how baby is doing is the same asking how you are doing-- you are one and the same. Millions of women world-wide are pregnant so there is nothing special or rare about pregnancy so why should you expect people to genuflect to your pregnancy and inquire as to your feeling?

We are in the midst of a pandemic, millions unemployed, an election that truly is the most important in our history. Your pregnancy is not even a blimp on our list of concerns!

This is insane. Just because something is common does not mean you shouldn't check in on people going through it. Heart disease is common. Would you ask someone struggling with heart disease how they were feeling? What about just aging? Would you tell everyone dealing with arthritis or senility "Suck it up, Grandpa -- no one cares about you and your super common ailments!"

Also: it's "blip" not "blimp". A blimp on a list of concerns would actually be quite significant.

Thank you for the corrrection. Maybe people don't ask her how she feels because she looks like a blimp!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to be the center of attention, but I am also not a baby nurse and if I just gave birth, yes you should ask me how I am doing. Ffs. People are just rude and selfish.

Yes! I didn't want to be the center of attention after my child was born, and was more than happy to have people cooing over the baby rather than peppering me with questions or trying to involve me in conversations (I was so tired). But my family didn't even acknowledge I'd done anything. I also had PPD and even when I would tell people about it, they'd just kind of gloss past it. I felt so alone.

Now my mom and MIL get frustrated sometimes because they aren't as close to my kid as I know they'd like to be. I'm not keeping them away from their grandkid, but I learned that they were not going to be a form of support for our family early on. I'm not talking about childcare, but just kindness. I'm not going to invest a ton of energy in relationships where I am constantly ignored and disrespected. I think it would be different if they had treated me as something more than a vessel for their grandkids. But they didn't.

Hugs. I felt and feel the same. The worst was when my baby was really cranky (she cried for hours a day). I would rock and rock and nurse and nurse. And then when she was happy they wanted to hold her. And then immediately give her back. It was so depressing to never get to hold my baby while happy. I just felt alone and tired. And when my inlaws were there, DH had to cook and clean for them. Every thing was so much better when everyone else left DH and I. Then I got the help I needed from DH and got to enjoy my baby.

Yep. Everyone who is like "tough, welcome to life with kids" - sorry nobody in your life loves you. My mother does and is capable of both being excited about the baby and showing empathy and compassion for me. MIL is not and just barks orders to me about how to take care of my baby. Guess who won't be visiting much anymore (DH will go with the baby).

[Anonymous]

This thread is just the latest example that DCUM isn't a place to come for simple human kindness. It's a shame the bitches have taken over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is just the latest example that DCUM isn't a place to come for simple human kindness. It's a shame the bitches have taken over.

+1. This threat was horrible. Sorry, OP, I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your new baby. That first 6 weeks was really hard for me too. Luckily, I have friends and family who aren’t like the assholes on DCUM and actually care about me AND the baby.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes when people say “the baby” they are lumping you in , as if “the baby” is a whole situation. For decamped, when people say “How’s work” they normally don’t want to know the details of your work but more so how you are doing within that space.

See if your DH wouldn’t mind splurging on a cleaning service to come in to do kitchen, bathroom, and maybe organizing living room and a guest room where in-laws will be (if they are staying) . Book some drs appointments while they are here and have one if them drive you. Confide in the one you are closest to that you’d really just like a nap. And maybe sleep for a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:literally nobody in my life cared about how I was doing. Only exceptions being one wonderful l&d nurse and a post-partum psychiatrist, and maybe the house cleaner. It took several years for me to figure out I needed to just take for myself.

Yes, it may be a sad fact, but you need to look after yourself because no one else will. It is what it is. Parenthood isn’t always easy, that’s why people should really think long and hard before having a baby. Your life will be turned upside down.

no, this is what motherhood is in our sh*ty excuse for a country and economy. it doesn’t have to be like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to being a mother, where it is not all about you

It’s literally never about you. Don’t be selfish op.

it literally is all about the woman since she’s the one doing all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormonal and really sensitive right now but if my family asks me one more time how the baby is doing and never following up with how I am doing I am going to lose my mind. I am not an incubator

No, but you are a mother.

Mothers like you rarely end up close to their children.

You see they come first not you. You are already an adult or oh wait maybe not?

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is just the latest example that DCUM isn't a place to come for simple human kindness. It's a shame the bitches have taken over.

+1. This threat was horrible. Sorry, OP, I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your new baby. That first 6 weeks was really hard for me too. Luckily, I have friends and family who aren’t like the assholes on DCUM and actually care about me AND the baby.

+2billion.

I can't believe how many people are this committed to the idea that mothers do not matter. It's bizarre! I've always loved and respected women and mothers, but going through childbirth has given me a profound respect for anyone who does it. We all deserve to be treated well. I am sad for anyone who doesn't believe that for themselves, much less for other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormonal and really sensitive right now but if my family asks me one more time how the baby is doing and never following up with how I am doing I am going to lose my mind. I am not an incubator

No, but you are a mother.

Mothers like you rarely end up close to their children.

You see they come first not you. You are already an adult or oh wait maybe not?

Grow up.

My mother martyred herself to motherhood. We are not close. I watched her always put herself last, even when it cost her physical and mental wellbeing. I love her but I view that as an unhealthy and unnecessary way of life. I now keep her at arms length because I don't want to get buried in that martyrdom.

My own daughter knows I love her with ever fiber of my being. She also observes that I take care of myself, ask for help when I need, and take time and space for me. And as a result, she is learning to do the same. Showing my child what self-compassion looks like, and that it is not selfish but necessary is one of the greatest gifts I can give her.