Why are men surprised a change in responsibility may lead to change in sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

No one put a gun to your head to get married and have multiple kids. You signed up for it, now pay the Fiddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very chicken and egg. Men do nice things and are motivated to do romantic gestures when they feel emotionally connected through sex. Women want to have sex when men do romantic gestures. When one stops, the other does too and it spirals downward.

These threads are basically "you started this first"

Also, there are massive hormonal differences between the sexes. Married lesbians have a fraction of the sex married straight couples have. Unless you believe women either suck in bed or are horribly unromantic with each other, it's really just hormones.

Lesbian married couples are also far more likely to have 2 hour multi-orgasmic sexual encounters, so I don’t think your framework of hormones or sexual talent really translates the way you’re suggesting.

... every other month (with summers off)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very chicken and egg. Men do nice things and are motivated to do romantic gestures when they feel emotionally connected through sex. Women want to have sex when men do romantic gestures. When one stops, the other does too and it spirals downward.

These threads are basically "you started this first"

Also, there are massive hormonal differences between the sexes. Married lesbians have a fraction of the sex married straight couples have. Unless you believe women either suck in bed or are horribly unromantic with each other, it's really just hormones.

Lesbian married couples are also far more likely to have 2 hour multi-orgasmic sexual encounters, so I don’t think your framework of hormones or sexual talent really translates the way you’re suggesting.

It supports exactly what I am saying. I never said women suck in bed, merely that even when women are married to other women, know their bodies, and can give each other more orgasms in bed (on average), they still have sex far less than straight couples. Point being, the idea of weekly sex (or more) in marriage is male-driven. Men not getting this frequency isn't because they did something wrong or suck in bed, it's because they are married to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

No one put a gun to your head to get married and have multiple kids. You signed up for it, now pay the Fiddler.

No put a gun to a guys head to get married and have kids yet they do. Then they expect no aspect of their lives should change in any way.

[Anonymous]

No put a gun to a guys head to get married and have kids yet they do. Then they expect no aspect of their lives should change in any way.

No, men don’t expect unnecessary change. Like the wife deciding sex is the absolute lowest priority in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

There aren’t enough equal partner type husbands to go around. How many men do you know that were taught to cook as children? How many young boys? Very few. How many were encouraged to take initiative around the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No put a gun to a guys head to get married and have kids yet they do. Then they expect no aspect of their lives should change in any way.

No, men don’t expect unnecessary change. Like the wife deciding sex is the absolute lowest priority in her life.

LOL, poor you. You should have thought of that before adding 1002929181727 priorities to her list of things to do for you and the family (and YOUR family like the Inlaws).
Really though. If a man changed jobs they would not expect to get the salary of the old job, the commute of the old job, the work load of the old job, the flexibility of the old job, the boss of the old job. There would be plusses and minuses with changing jobs. Yet, you change from dating to marriage and THEN to kids no less. And still expect dating level everything? Did your girlfriend drive you mom to her chemo treatments? Did you girlfriend pick up your kids from school? Did you girlfriend get up 5 times a night with a hungry baby to feed? Did you girlfriend cook for a family of 5 nightly? Did you girlfriend do anything your wife does for your family?

[Anonymous]

100 true. All men should read this thread before 'I do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

There aren’t enough equal partner type husbands to go around. How many men do you know that were taught to cook as children? How many young boys? Very few. How many were encouraged to take initiative around the house?

This.
My DH promised the moon and back and couldn't wait to have kids and be a hands on dad!!! However, hands on to him is reading 1 book before bed and playing catch for 10 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Men bait and switch.
Pre marriage DH sent Bday cards, bought family gifts etc.
After we got married he left me a note with things his mom would like for Christmas. I was like WTF dude. No. You do this.
He got super mad because his mom always did that stuff for his dad's family.

There were 10,000 other examples just like this. It is like marriage flipped a switch in him that rendered him unable to function as an adult and I was now his care aid. He had a come to Jesus moment really quickly that first year and we almost didn't make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

There aren’t enough equal partner type husbands to go around. How many men do you know that were taught to cook as children? How many young boys? Very few. How many were encouraged to take initiative around the house?

This.
My DH promised the moon and back and couldn't wait to have kids and be a hands on dad!!! However, hands on to him is reading 1 book before bed and playing catch for 10 minutes.

Please divorce this bad-choice unequal partner selfish lying bait and switch man baby small dk loser who thinks (wrongly) that he is somehow "entitled" to sex!

Or... stay with him in your platonic room mate (open) marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

There aren’t enough equal partner type husbands to go around. How many men do you know that were taught to cook as children? How many young boys? Very few. How many were encouraged to take initiative around the house?

This.
My DH promised the moon and back and couldn't wait to have kids and be a hands on dad!!! However, hands on to him is reading 1 book before bed and playing catch for 10 minutes.

Please divorce this bad-choice unequal partner selfish lying bait and switch man baby small dk loser who thinks (wrongly) that he is somehow "entitled" to sex!

Or... stay with him in your platonic room mate (open) marriage.

Yep Every answer is either demand better (like no woman has ever thought of that) or OPEN MARRIAGE
how about a man grow, mature, communicate and realize that HE is the manbaby and demands shouldn't have to be put on him to be a man. Oh, but then that is on HIM.
Otherwise it is the wife's fault for staying and if she does it is open marriage for them.
Men. Grow the EFF up and understand that being a husband and father is a different role than an Effbuddy from college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because that's not all there is to the story. In addition to lack of time, added stress, and added responsibility, the decline in a woman's sexual interest in her husband ALSO happens because of things like boredom, age, and hormonal shifts.

Some of the things that cause the lack of sexual interest are entirely outside of the guy's control. And even if the husband does what he can to improve all of the factors he can control and even when the time required for child care lets up, the wife often remains uninterested. I think that if we were more forthright about the fact that a spouse (usually but not always the wife) can experience declining sexual interest through nobody's fault, there would be somewhat less consternation when the sex did decline.

As it is, we have this notion that if the husband does everything right and his wife loves him, she'll want to have sex with him. When the sex goes away, it can feel like she's either unfairly blaming him and/or doesn't love him. That's why a guy doesn't get nearly as resentful about lack of sex when his wife, for example, has a serious illness as he does when, for all he can see, she just doesn't care about him.

Being better about chores for a little while does not erase the fundamental disrespect and lack of caring that wives experience when the workload is unfair for a long period of time. It is not enough to stop being unfair, you have to actually repair the damage.

That's true, BUT ALSO there can be a decline in sexual desire through nobody's fault. These "just so" stories where good, loving husbands get laid regularly while bad, uncaring husbands don't are toxic. Because that's not how the real world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because that's not all there is to the story. In addition to lack of time, added stress, and added responsibility, the decline in a woman's sexual interest in her husband ALSO happens because of things like boredom, age, and hormonal shifts.

Some of the things that cause the lack of sexual interest are entirely outside of the guy's control. And even if the husband does what he can to improve all of the factors he can control and even when the time required for child care lets up, the wife often remains uninterested. I think that if we were more forthright about the fact that a spouse (usually but not always the wife) can experience declining sexual interest through nobody's fault, there would be somewhat less consternation when the sex did decline.

As it is, we have this notion that if the husband does everything right and his wife loves him, she'll want to have sex with him. When the sex goes away, it can feel like she's either unfairly blaming him and/or doesn't love him. That's why a guy doesn't get nearly as resentful about lack of sex when his wife, for example, has a serious illness as he does when, for all he can see, she just doesn't care about him.

Being better about chores for a little while does not erase the fundamental disrespect and lack of caring that wives experience when the workload is unfair for a long period of time. It is not enough to stop being unfair, you have to actually repair the damage.

That's true, BUT ALSO there can be a decline in sexual desire through nobody's fault. These "just so" stories where good, loving husbands get laid regularly while bad, uncaring husbands don't are toxic. Because that's not how the real world works.

But there are external factors at play as well and it does a disservice to men and women to act like it is all her fault. It is biology yes. Women are also wired to care for and raise their young to survive (carrying on genes) while men have a drive to procreate (have a lot of sex).
however, in relationships where there has been a disproportionate work load, mental labor etc, there grows animosity and no amount of hormones raging will make a woman want to regularly have sex with a useless, complaining, entitled manbaby who doesn't pull his weight and doesn't understand the weight of burden she is under. Low drive you can come back from. Fractured marriage is much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

Sounds like you married a man child. Besides, the biggest issue on DCUM is DHs that do their fair share (far more than your DH does) in the house - cook, clean, laundry, child rear, etc. and have DWs that don't appreciate it and the sex life is non-existent. I'm one and tehre are many. We all eat well, stay in shape, are primary cooks, spend lots of time with the kids, work, etc. and yet DWs aren't terribly interested in sex.

Most men don't pull their weight.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/

https://news.gallup.com/poll/283979/women-handle-main-household-tasks.aspx