Why are men surprised a change in responsibility may lead to change in sex?

[Anonymous]

Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

[Anonymous]

I've said it many times on similar threads but--my DH's drive dropped waaaay off after we started having kids. Probably has something to do with the fact that he does all overnights/kid wake ups.

[Anonymous]

Amen, sister!

If I had one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be too extensively try out early on anyone who I was interested in dating - can they cook? do they clean their own house, can they plan and carry out activities that are thoughtful of others? do they prioritize my needs over theirs at least half the time?

Marriage is only partially about falling in love with someone; it is also about finding an equal partner in life.

[Anonymous]

I LOVE sex and DH and I had it a few times a day prekids but damn. After 2 kids, work promotions, family visits etc I am lucky if I can be happy about 1x per week some weeks. We try for 2 but lets be honest, that just doesn't happen sometimes with kids activities, my work, his work, etc etc etc.
Luckily DH is not a dick and understands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amen, sister!

If I had one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be too extensively try out early on anyone who I was interested in dating - can they cook? do they clean their own house, can they plan and carry out activities that are thoughtful of others? do they prioritize my needs over theirs at least half the time?

Marriage is only partially about falling in love with someone; it is also about finding an equal partner in life.

Preach on!! If DH did 50% of kid crap i could guarentee a 100% return on investment in sexual activity.

[Anonymous]

This is so obvious, it comes across as annoying and whiny when people expect their sex lives to be like college.

When I was in college I had a completely carefree existence. I went to classes and spent time with my boyfriend and friends, end stop. The dining halls provided meals, laundry was minimal, and I had a tiny one room space to take care of. Of course I was up for sex daily or twice a day.

Anyone who expects anywhere near that frequency when they have a fulltime job, house and kids is an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so obvious, it comes across as annoying and whiny when people expect their sex lives to be like college.

When I was in college I had a completely carefree existence. I went to classes and spent time with my boyfriend and friends, end stop. The dining halls provided meals, laundry was minimal, and I had a tiny one room space to take care of. Of course I was up for sex daily or twice a day.

Anyone who expects anywhere near that frequency when they have a fulltime job, house and kids is an idiot.

And yet here we are literally every day with men just have NO clue why the woman they married isn't up for daily lunchtime romps when he demands it.

[Anonymous]

I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

I agree but many women are not married to men who pull their weight around the house and with kids. Many are married to men who don't seem to understand why their wives may be tired or may not initiate sex like they did when they were dating at 21. Many men just seemed downright baffled and think their wives are selfish and withholding.

[Anonymous]

I would give a months salary to have 1 week of being able to live like I did when I was single or in college. Dang those were the days and I had way too much fun.

[Anonymous]

OK, but if sex were an enjoyable, positive break that made you feel connected to your partner, seen, loved, beautiful, whatever you're into, it'd be a lot more appealing regardless of your schedule. And in the absence of that, it's always going to be a bit of a chore.

[Anonymous]

Because men view sex as a physical need as well. It doesn't go away when they're busy. Women require more warming up to sex and tend to view it as optional. Hence the different attitudes to it.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, but if sex were an enjoyable, positive break that made you feel connected to your partner, seen, loved, beautiful, whatever you're into, it'd be a lot more appealing regardless of your schedule. And in the absence of that, it's always going to be a bit of a chore.

I have never viewed sex as a chore ever but there are times where I just don't have the physical bandwidth to do it. Not with everything else going on. Add to that DH likes me to be really into it and if I am not it doesn't 'count' to him. So, there are MANY reasons why I am not chomping at the bit to tear his clothing off and little has to do with me seeing it as a chore but rather something that I just can't get around to that day.
Now if he wanted to help pick up some slack around the house I may have 15 extra minutes to throw his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

I don't think all men are the same but there does seem to be a common thread that most men really have a difficult time understanding that there may be life reasons, external reasons why their wives just aren't the sex addicts that they were in their teens adn early 20s. They come here wondering why their wives suck and fail to ever see the obvious answer is that many women live lives as wives that are vastly different from those of a single woman. AND the demands put on her being a wife/mother impact her energy, drive and focus adn until she again has that single life or is given additional help around the house/with kids that drive will not just magically appear.