Why are men surprised a change in responsibility may lead to change in sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to prioritize. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

Stop with the blame-casting!

For one, even today everything in our culture teaches women that there is one magic person they will fall in love with and that is who they should marry.

Nobody advises a woman to take very deliberate efforts to see how BF is when it comes to chores. And what they do and profess yo want in the days leading up to marriage is often far different from how they behave after. When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

I think it's a couple things. Men. and women are socialized differently, and our society still heavily leans toward the women being responsible for childcare , household upkeep, etc. I mean I knew several men whose mom's cooked their meals and cleaned their house until they got married.

I also think a lot of people rush into marriage, this is especially true for women because again we're socialized differently and told we are worthless without a husband and kids, so if we hit about 30 , many of us start panicking about being the cat lady, and pick a guy that's good enough, to check off those boxes, but aren't really into him, so it becomes really easy to put energy into everything else but the physical side of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

Sounds like you married a man child. Besides, the biggest issue on DCUM is DHs that do their fair share (far more than your DH does) in the house - cook, clean, laundry, child rear, etc. and have DWs that don't appreciate it and the sex life is non-existent. I'm one and tehre are many. We all eat well, stay in shape, are primary cooks, spend lots of time with the kids, work, etc. and yet DWs aren't terribly interested in sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

LOL good one. Talk to your wife and I bet she feels differently.

Sounds like you married a man child. Besides, the biggest issue on DCUM is DHs that do their fair share (far more than your DH does) in the house - cook, clean, laundry, child rear, etc. and have DWs that don't appreciate it and the sex life is non-existent. I'm one and tehre are many. We all eat well, stay in shape, are primary cooks, spend lots of time with the kids, work, etc. and yet DWs aren't terribly interested in sex.

[Anonymous]

When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience

You could have predicted things based on having actual conversations, planning ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so obvious, it comes across as annoying and whiny when people expect their sex lives to be like college.

When I was in college I had a completely carefree existence. I went to classes and spent time with my boyfriend and friends, end stop. The dining halls provided meals, laundry was minimal, and I had a tiny one room space to take care of. Of course I was up for sex daily or twice a day.

Anyone who expects anywhere near that frequency when they have a fulltime job, house and kids is an idiot.

And yet here we are literally every day with men just have NO clue why the woman they married isn't up for daily lunchtime romps when he demands it.

As a man I feel there is “bait and switch.”

[Anonymous]

Husband here - with two careers and three kids and everything that entails sex 1-2 times a week is very reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to prioritize. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

Stop with the blame-casting!

For one, even today everything in our culture teaches women that there is one magic person they will fall in love with and that is who they should marry.

Nobody advises a woman to take very deliberate efforts to see how BF is when it comes to chores. And what they do and profess yo want in the days leading up to marriage is often far different from how they behave after. When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience.

Sounds like you're blaming everyone but yourself for choosing a loser husband. So maybe don't accuse others of "blame-casting".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience

You could have predicted things based on having actual conversations, planning ahead.

Did you read her post? When they were dating her boyfriend was fully supportive of her career. He encouraged her to work and lean in. That was the life they planned to have together. She was blindsided by him checking out on parenting and wanting a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Because they think sex only takes 15 minutes tops and if you can't find 15 minutes you don't care for them.

Most women know it take a lot more than 15 minutes and men will never understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so obvious, it comes across as annoying and whiny when people expect their sex lives to be like college.

When I was in college I had a completely carefree existence. I went to classes and spent time with my boyfriend and friends, end stop. The dining halls provided meals, laundry was minimal, and I had a tiny one room space to take care of. Of course I was up for sex daily or twice a day.

Anyone who expects anywhere near that frequency when they have a fulltime job, house and kids is an idiot.

And yet here we are literally every day with men just have NO clue why the woman they married isn't up for daily lunchtime romps when he demands it.

As a man I feel there is “bait and switch.”

As a woman, I feel there was a bait and switch too!

My boyfriend used to do tons of stuff to help me out when we were dating, and yet, post-marriage, all the household stuff is on my plate and he pitches in sometimes, when he can — if he’s not too tired. I want that dating level of attention too! Bait and switch for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience

You could have predicted things based on having actual conversations, planning ahead.

Did you read her post? When they were dating her boyfriend was fully supportive of her career. He encouraged her to work and lean in. That was the life they planned to have together. She was blindsided by him checking out on parenting and wanting a SAHM.

What conversation did they have about what happens when a baby comes along? What did they actually agree to do?

[Anonymous]

Because that's not all there is to the story. In addition to lack of time, added stress, and added responsibility, the decline in a woman's sexual interest in her husband ALSO happens because of things like boredom, age, and hormonal shifts.

Some of the things that cause the lack of sexual interest are entirely outside of the guy's control. And even if the husband does what he can to improve all of the factors he can control and even when the time required for child care lets up, the wife often remains uninterested. I think that if we were more forthright about the fact that a spouse (usually but not always the wife) can experience declining sexual interest through nobody's fault, there would be somewhat less consternation when the sex did decline.

As it is, we have this notion that if the husband does everything right and his wife loves him, she'll want to have sex with him. When the sex goes away, it can feel like she's either unfairly blaming him and/or doesn't love him. That's why a guy doesn't get nearly as resentful about lack of sex when his wife, for example, has a serious illness as he does when, for all he can see, she just doesn't care about him.

[Anonymous]

Most of the complaining by men and some women is about no sex, or nearly no sex. Not that it's dropped to only once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because that's not all there is to the story. In addition to lack of time, added stress, and added responsibility, the decline in a woman's sexual interest in her husband ALSO happens because of things like boredom, age, and hormonal shifts.

Some of the things that cause the lack of sexual interest are entirely outside of the guy's control. And even if the husband does what he can to improve all of the factors he can control and even when the time required for child care lets up, the wife often remains uninterested. I think that if we were more forthright about the fact that a spouse (usually but not always the wife) can experience declining sexual interest through nobody's fault, there would be somewhat less consternation when the sex did decline.

As it is, we have this notion that if the husband does everything right and his wife loves him, she'll want to have sex with him. When the sex goes away, it can feel like she's either unfairly blaming him and/or doesn't love him. That's why a guy doesn't get nearly as resentful about lack of sex when his wife, for example, has a serious illness as he does when, for all he can see, she just doesn't care about him.

Being better about chores for a little while does not erase the fundamental disrespect and lack of caring that wives experience when the workload is unfair for a long period of time. It is not enough to stop being unfair, you have to actually repair the damage.