Why are men surprised a change in responsibility may lead to change in sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are like "but it only takes 10 minutes"

Women are like remember when you spent 40 minutes just hugging and cuddling and caressing.

No way my wife could sit still for 40 minutes to hug, cuddle, and caress. (And, no, it doesn't matter how much family/house work I'm doing. She's just not wired to sit still unless she's sleeping.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband here - with two careers and three kids and everything that entails sex 1-2 times a week is very reasonable.

So you send cards to her parents for each birthday, anniversary
You send cards or email your SIL, BIL, their kids for special occasions?
you buy them all gifts
You handle the friend Bday parties and gifts
you plan and organize and oversee your kids Bday parties
You do the laundry for the kids
You cook for the family
You field all calls from the school
You find, plan, pay for and take the kids to their extracuriculars
You attend all school functions and meetings
You grocery shop

You’re being a mommy martyr. Don’t do all those things. Let the kids play outside. Don’t send cards to in-laws. Have the kids do laundry. Don’t volunteer to do anything at church you don’t have time to do. Don’t attend all school meetings if you don’t have time. Have the kids and their dad figure out birthday gifts.

And
Help with the homework
Make lunches
Do the bills
Make and take kids to doctors’ and dentist appointments
Research and make travel arrangements
Work out the summer camp /other coverage
Shop for kids’ clothes
While working out, getting hair or whatever else done and staying on a strict diet so that despite menopause you make sure not to gain any weight or look any older than you did when you met DH

I always see on here that women in sexless marriages are fit and attractive and wonderful parents. I wonder if doing all of this stuff takes it out of you, or if being the kind of type A person who would do all of this tends to make you the kind of person who is less interested in sex, or if not having regular sex makes you more anxious and likely to do these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And
Help with the homework
Make lunches
Do the bills
Make and take kids to doctors’ and dentist appointments
Research and make travel arrangements
Work out the summer camp /other coverage
Shop for kids’ clothes
While working out, getting hair or whatever else done and staying on a strict diet so that despite menopause you make sure not to gain any weight or look any older than you did when you met DH

You left out taking the time to get the air in your tires rotated. You are choosing to prioritize “research and make travel arrangements” and doing the bills. That’s your choice to put sex with your husband last, and then it’s his choice to deprioritize you. Cause, effect.

And we’re supposed to feel sorry for you because you need to watch your weight? What do you think the rest of us are doing?

Whatever. No man wants to put the air in the tires of his wife’s car or buy clothes for his kids.
He doesn’t want her to make sex a higher priority and make these things lower priority. He doesn’t want to trade taking some things off her plate. He wants her to do all of this AND be up for sex. The only things most men want their wives to make a lower priority are their careers (if it doesn’t come with significantly more money) and their free time.

Lol, bitter much? I always check the tires in my wife's car before I leave for work if they look low. I've filled them countless times that she doesn't even know about. I don't shop for DD's clothes because it's something that DW and DD love doing as part of their mommy/daughter days (during which I often catch up on household stuff despite DW's insistence I go do something for myself). I put her career at a high priority because she's good at it and loves what she does, and am proud of her for it. If there's laundry to be done, food to be cooked, dishes to be washed, I just do it. Sometimes it's because she's running DD back and forth to activities or buying groceries, sometimes it's because she really wants to catch up on one of her shows or books. Doesn't matter.

Sorry you didn't marry a man like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband here - with two careers and three kids and everything that entails sex 1-2 times a week is very reasonable.

Wife here. Personally I agree and I have always made sure it happened in our marriage at least once a week even when our kids were infants and waking up multiple times every night. What bothers me is when he complains that he “never” gets sex and doesn’t get enough when we’ve always had it at least once or twice a week.

Why do middle aged people with demanding careers and multiple children think their sex lives are you g to resemble that if carefree young adults?

I am with you that twice per week is solid. From a man's perspective (even an objectively GGG man) sex just does not take a great deal of time or effort, it's free, it feels good, strengthens the marriage, and there is like zero downside. Seriously add up all the pregame+foreplay+private_bit_bumping+afterglow, repeat this twice per week, total investment of time = 1 episode of Love Island. The demographic of that show being ... middle aged wives with demanding careers and multiple children. So then... why not?

Pro tip: If something is effortless on your part, then someone else is putting in the effort.

Maybe if you didn’t think of sex as easy, effortless, and taking almost no time, then your wife would be more interested in having sex more than twice a week.
I’m sure that you put some modicum of effort into having sex with her when you first met.

Exactly what “work” do you put into your sex life? How long should it take? It seems I’m doing it wrong but I am happy to learn from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband here - with two careers and three kids and everything that entails sex 1-2 times a week is very reasonable.

Wife here. Personally I agree and I have always made sure it happened in our marriage at least once a week even when our kids were infants and waking up multiple times every night. What bothers me is when he complains that he “never” gets sex and doesn’t get enough when we’ve always had it at least once or twice a week.

Why do middle aged people with demanding careers and multiple children think their sex lives are you g to resemble that if carefree young adults?

I am with you that twice per week is solid. From a man's perspective (even an objectively GGG man) sex just does not take a great deal of time or effort, it's free, it feels good, strengthens the marriage, and there is like zero downside. Seriously add up all the pregame+foreplay+private_bit_bumping+afterglow, repeat this twice per week, total investment of time = 1 episode of Love Island. The demographic of that show being ... middle aged wives with demanding careers and multiple children. So then... why not?

Pro tip: If something is effortless on your part, then someone else is putting in the effort.

Maybe if you didn’t think of sex as easy, effortless, and taking almost no time, then your wife would be more interested in having sex more than twice a week.
I’m sure that you put some modicum of effort into having sex with her when you first met.

Exactly what “work” do you put into your sex life? How long should it take? It seems I’m doing it wrong but I am happy to learn from you.

Showering, looking decent, being kind to the other person, making sure there is a reasonable space and time to have sex. The stuff men do when they are dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And
Help with the homework
Make lunches
Do the bills
Make and take kids to doctors’ and dentist appointments
Research and make travel arrangements
Work out the summer camp /other coverage
Shop for kids’ clothes
While working out, getting hair or whatever else done and staying on a strict diet so that despite menopause you make sure not to gain any weight or look any older than you did when you met DH

You left out taking the time to get the air in your tires rotated. You are choosing to prioritize “research and make travel arrangements” and doing the bills. That’s your choice to put sex with your husband last, and then it’s his choice to deprioritize you. Cause, effect.

And we’re supposed to feel sorry for you because you need to watch your weight? What do you think the rest of us are doing?

Whatever. No man wants to put the air in the tires of his wife’s car or buy clothes for his kids.
He doesn’t want her to make sex a higher priority and make these things lower priority. He doesn’t want to trade taking some things off her plate. He wants her to do all of this AND be up for sex. The only things most men want their wives to make a lower priority are their careers (if it doesn’t come with significantly more money) and their free time.

Lol, bitter much? I always check the tires in my wife's car before I leave for work if they look low. I've filled them countless times that she doesn't even know about. I don't shop for DD's clothes because it's something that DW and DD love doing as part of their mommy/daughter days (during which I often catch up on household stuff despite DW's insistence I go do something for myself). I put her career at a high priority because she's good at it and loves what she does, and am proud of her for it. If there's laundry to be done, food to be cooked, dishes to be washed, I just do it. Sometimes it's because she's running DD back and forth to activities or buying groceries, sometimes it's because she really wants to catch up on one of her shows or books. Doesn't matter.

Sorry you didn't marry a man like that.

You really cannot do the one thing that your wife asks of you and insists that you do? Seriously, man. She sounds like a nice lady. What’s wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Like a PP, We also prioritize sex. Our lives do not revolve completely around the kids. There are 3 of them and they can entertain each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And
Help with the homework
Make lunches
Do the bills
Make and take kids to doctors’ and dentist appointments
Research and make travel arrangements
Work out the summer camp /other coverage
Shop for kids’ clothes
While working out, getting hair or whatever else done and staying on a strict diet so that despite menopause you make sure not to gain any weight or look any older than you did when you met DH

You left out taking the time to get the air in your tires rotated. You are choosing to prioritize “research and make travel arrangements” and doing the bills. That’s your choice to put sex with your husband last, and then it’s his choice to deprioritize you. Cause, effect.

And we’re supposed to feel sorry for you because you need to watch your weight? What do you think the rest of us are doing?

Whatever. No man wants to put the air in the tires of his wife’s car or buy clothes for his kids.
He doesn’t want her to make sex a higher priority and make these things lower priority. He doesn’t want to trade taking some things off her plate. He wants her to do all of this AND be up for sex. The only things most men want their wives to make a lower priority are their careers (if it doesn’t come with significantly more money) and their free time.

Lol, bitter much? I always check the tires in my wife's car before I leave for work if they look low. I've filled them countless times that she doesn't even know about. I don't shop for DD's clothes because it's something that DW and DD love doing as part of their mommy/daughter days (during which I often catch up on household stuff despite DW's insistence I go do something for myself). I put her career at a high priority because she's good at it and loves what she does, and am proud of her for it. If there's laundry to be done, food to be cooked, dishes to be washed, I just do it. Sometimes it's because she's running DD back and forth to activities or buying groceries, sometimes it's because she really wants to catch up on one of her shows or books. Doesn't matter.

Sorry you didn't marry a man like that.

You sound like a good guy who gets it. Good for you. The problem for many women I know is that they love their spouses but are just COMPLETELY exhausted every.single.day by attending to (mostly singlehandedly) the aforementioned listed items while also often working outside of the home and their spouses just do not see the imbalance or offer any assistance. Instead, their spouses actually expect a 1950’s wife who takes care of everything home- and child-related while simultaneously holding a full time job...so basically 2 full time jobs...while looking great. I kid you not, I vividly remember when one of my DCs was a few months old and I had been up every 2 hours and had not showered in 2 days and I had spit up all over my shoulder and as he left one morning he said, “Why don’t you greet me in something sexy tonight?”