Why are men surprised a change in responsibility may lead to change in sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the guy up front before you get married tnat he wont be getting regular sex after kids and a few years of marriage. Give him the info he needs to make an informed choice before pledging monogamy. It's the bait-and-switch aspect of all this that leaves some men feeling resentful.

LOL, if anyone had told me in my early 20s that I would lose my libido in my 30s I would have laughed at them. You think women have a crystal ball on this shit!?

If I were treated like a girlfriend and had as carefree of life as I used to I would be all over him 24/7.
But here we are. A few kids later, more demanding jobs, mortgage, aging parents, ill pets etc. Life takes its toll and while 1x a week isn't on fire, it will do for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

No wonder you don’t want sex with this selfish man baby entitled jerk face bad-in-bed loser. Divorce him!!!

Or, stay in a platonic room mate open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should women continue to expect the level of dating that they had before marriage? Why are we not treated the same after marriage and that is ok once he puts a ring on it?

Are you telling your husband that you need these dates (same as before), and that it’s a deal breaker for you, yet still he refuses to “date” you?

Yep. He is too tired, doesn't want to spend the $$, babysitters are hard to find. He has a million excuses.

So he expect you to meet his needs, but you’ve clearly told him your needs, and he refuses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the guy up front before you get married tnat he wont be getting regular sex after kids and a few years of marriage. Give him the info he needs to make an informed choice before pledging monogamy. It's the bait-and-switch aspect of all this that leaves some men feeling resentful.

LOL, if anyone had told me in my early 20s that I would lose my libido in my 30s I would have laughed at them. You think women have a crystal ball on this shit!?

+1 I don’t know any women who acted interested in sex while dating on purpose to get a ring. Dating is sexy. Getting married is sexy. Having infant children who take all your time and energy and a pouting husband who is essentially child number 3 is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the guy up front before you get married tnat he wont be getting regular sex after kids and a few years of marriage. Give him the info he needs to make an informed choice before pledging monogamy. It's the bait-and-switch aspect of all this that leaves some men feeling resentful.

LOL, if anyone had told me in my early 20s that I would lose my libido in my 30s I would have laughed at them. You think women have a crystal ball on this shit!?

+1 I don’t know any women who acted interested in sex while dating on purpose to get a ring. Dating is sexy. Getting married is sexy. Having infant children who take all your time and energy and a pouting husband who is essentially child number 3 is not.

All of this. Put simply dating and getting married and fun and freedom. Being married and having kids are wonderful but not in the least sexy.

It's like the old joke about why wives are smiling on their wedding night (it's the last BJ they ever have to give).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, the above reply from the woman is the reason why so many divorce or affair. Too much resentment built up. Like how it's hard for me to see my wife as sexual after a decade of complete sexual abandonment. Oh now you want to have sex after rejecting me for 8 years?

It's tough stuff, no one is necessarily wrong. And of course men are idiots if they think nothing will change after the kids come. All I wanted was 30 minutes of us time once a week or so but that wasn't possible for her.

PP here that I think you’re referring to. We have sex 1 -2 times a week now but reading this thread took me right back to the anger over that period of our relationship. When he slips into the chores for sex mode I get mad and lash out. Clearly we have more reckoning to do but outside of this issue we are doing ok. I am hoping eventually even this kind of discussion won’t be a trigger.

Thanks for responding. It's tough for me not to get triggered by her suggesting sex. Like, what does she actually want from me or is she doing it out of guilt or to shut me up? I can't even fathom her having sex with me because she has a desire to do so. Like you, I hope we can get back to normal but I fantasize about divorce or having an affair even though we also get along fine on other issues.

Good.luck

That could be her genuinely trying. The transition back to something a bit more normal like 1-2 time per week was hard. Sometimes it did feel a little like doing it to say we did. But it definitely got better. The thing that drove me super nuts was when my husband, after complaining for months that we were not having enough sex, would turn down a quickly or a bj. Because it wasn’t “good enough.” Talk about two steps back. Sometimes we just had to push through that on both sides - I told him I offered or initiated because I loved him even if I was exhausted but if he was going to shut me down it was never going to improve. If you only want to sex you want on the schedule you want it it’s bound to fail (not saying this is you but it was him). So we both met in the middle and now things are a lot better although definitely not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

I totally get it. How can you explain how my ex-wife still had the energy to meet with her co-worker in our house for over an year for 2-3 times a week. I would have been most grateful if I enjoyed at least some of this energy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amen, sister!

If I had one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be too extensively try out early on anyone who I was interested in dating - can they cook? do they clean their own house, can they plan and carry out activities that are thoughtful of others? do they prioritize my needs over theirs at least half the time?

Marriage is only partially about falling in love with someone; it is also about finding an equal partner in life.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the guy up front before you get married tnat he wont be getting regular sex after kids and a few years of marriage. Give him the info he needs to make an informed choice before pledging monogamy. It's the bait-and-switch aspect of all this that leaves some men feeling resentful.

LOL, if anyone had told me in my early 20s that I would lose my libido in my 30s I would have laughed at them. You think women have a crystal ball on this shit!?

+1 I don’t know any women who acted interested in sex while dating on purpose to get a ring. Dating is sexy. Getting married is sexy. Having infant children who take all your time and energy and a pouting husband who is essentially child number 3 is not.

All of this. Put simply dating and getting married and fun and freedom. Being married and having kids are wonderful but not in the least sexy.

It's like the old joke about why wives are smiling on their wedding night (it's the last BJ they ever have to give).

So then why such an emphasis on sexual monogamy? I think emotional and financial monogamy should be enough. Free willie!

[Anonymous]

Read up on spontaneous vs responsive sexual desire.

Women mostly have responsive desire. After years of marriage, we just don't respo d the same to the man we know comfortably. Give us someone new, we will respond again.

Men have spontaneous desire. They will sleep with anything including their wives

It's just hormones. The rest of this thread is battle of the sexes blame game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

I totally get it. How can you explain how my ex-wife still had the energy to meet with her co-worker in our house for over an year for 2-3 times a week. I would have been most grateful if I enjoyed at least some of this energy

Could it be that he treated her with respect and kindness and didn't expect her to do any chores, and she found this restful and energizing rather than depleting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the guy up front before you get married tnat he wont be getting regular sex after kids and a few years of marriage. Give him the info he needs to make an informed choice before pledging monogamy. It's the bait-and-switch aspect of all this that leaves some men feeling resentful.

LOL, if anyone had told me in my early 20s that I would lose my libido in my 30s I would have laughed at them. You think women have a crystal ball on this shit!?

+1 I don’t know any women who acted interested in sex while dating on purpose to get a ring. Dating is sexy. Getting married is sexy. Having infant children who take all your time and energy and a pouting husband who is essentially child number 3 is not.

This. If anything I think men pull the bait and switch a lot more knowing they will be doing it.
DH was so attentive while dating and romantic, thoughtful and fun. Now he hates going anywhere or doing anything. I get a gas station card instead of something he actually put thought into and although he promised and swore up and down we would be equal partners, after kids that is a big NOPE.
We talked extensively before engagement about what we wanted out of life and he has pretty much checked out of everything we agreed to before marriage. I still love the guy but yeah, he has just taken the easy path with putting in minimal effort all around and expecting fireworks constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the guy up front before you get married tnat he wont be getting regular sex after kids and a few years of marriage. Give him the info he needs to make an informed choice before pledging monogamy. It's the bait-and-switch aspect of all this that leaves some men feeling resentful.

LOL, if anyone had told me in my early 20s that I would lose my libido in my 30s I would have laughed at them. You think women have a crystal ball on this shit!?

+1 I don’t know any women who acted interested in sex while dating on purpose to get a ring. Dating is sexy. Getting married is sexy. Having infant children who take all your time and energy and a pouting husband who is essentially child number 3 is not.

This. If anything I think men pull the bait and switch a lot more knowing they will be doing it.
DH was so attentive while dating and romantic, thoughtful and fun. Now he hates going anywhere or doing anything. I get a gas station card instead of something he actually put thought into and although he promised and swore up and down we would be equal partners, after kids that is a big NOPE.
We talked extensively before engagement about what we wanted out of life and he has pretty much checked out of everything we agreed to before marriage. I still love the guy but yeah, he has just taken the easy path with putting in minimal effort all around and expecting fireworks constantly.

Similar experience. When we were living together but dating, DH did my laundry. Paired my socks! Cooked me complicated, time-intensive dishes. Then cleaned the kitchen after! As soon as we had kids it’s like a flip switched. The only thing that gets that kind of careful attention is work. Everything else is a distant second.

[Anonymous]

It's very chicken and egg. Men do nice things and are motivated to do romantic gestures when they feel emotionally connected through sex. Women want to have sex when men do romantic gestures. When one stops, the other does too and it spirals downward.

These threads are basically "you started this first"

Also, there are massive hormonal differences between the sexes. Married lesbians have a fraction of the sex married straight couples have. Unless you believe women either suck in bed or are horribly unromantic with each other, it's really just hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very chicken and egg. Men do nice things and are motivated to do romantic gestures when they feel emotionally connected through sex. Women want to have sex when men do romantic gestures. When one stops, the other does too and it spirals downward.

These threads are basically "you started this first"

Also, there are massive hormonal differences between the sexes. Married lesbians have a fraction of the sex married straight couples have. Unless you believe women either suck in bed or are horribly unromantic with each other, it's really just hormones.

Lesbian married couples are also far more likely to have 2 hour multi-orgasmic sexual encounters, so I don’t think your framework of hormones or sexual talent really translates the way you’re suggesting.