Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

it's fine for the parents but its always FUBAR for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just recently we had the thread about the mom who basically raised her husband's child from an early age, with her own, and now the husband's child is getting all kinds of help from his/her grandparents and her kid gets nothing. Such a heartbreaking mess for the kid left out.

This, who is funding college for the 9 year old and the 4 year old.

Are your boyfriend's parents funding college for the 9 year old and not your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to present the other perspective: I am part of a blended family. My dad married my step mother when I was almost 9 and my step-siblings were 9 and 4. My dad and step mother had another kid at basically the same time they got married. Custody was 60 (mom)/40 (dad) for me and 50/50 for my step-sibs and arranged so we were all at my dad/step mom's at the same time as much as possible. It all worked fine. There were some issues, but nothing of a different level of seriousness or intractability than any other family would have. I got along very well w/ my same aged step sibling and my much younger half sibling and not so well w/ my younger step sibling, but for very normal sibling-esque reasons. As adults, we're all sort of cousin-y in closeness, but get along perfectly well. I got along fine but not great w/ my step mother growing up, but she's a fantastic grandmother to my kids (who call her grandma and don't see her as any different than their other two grandmas).

My next door neighbors had a blended family that worked. Each parent was a young widow/widower with three children. Each parent had 3 kids. Don married Betty
and all 6 kids moved in together. Both Don and Betty made a huge effort to make each kid be part of the big family. All kids are grown now. I believe some kids
are closer to their step siblings today than their bio siblings.

Both Don and Betty both told me there were rough times however. They were from a generation that made marriages work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that having children is not only the needs of the parents, but also good for the existing children. Without this relationship these children would be only children, instead they are not having the opportunity to be a part of a bigger family with siblings, which in my opinion is better for them both now and as they grow up. Sibling relationships are important and honestly, I think it is incredibly sad for a child to be an only child (and boring!).

It would be ideal if all parties got along, unfortunately that is often not the case with divorce. But it shouldn't prevent someone from living a fulfilling life. Yes, it is a shame the first marriage didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that one should not be able to continue on life's journey. There are many families that have been through divorce, and many that have been through second marriages.

What is most important is that the two parents in the relationship are communicative about how all children will be treated so that all the children's needs are met.

As a kid who was in a “blended” family, I would have much preferred not to have the conglomeration of step (and then later, ex-step) siblings, half siblings, and full siblings. It was extremely complex and the dynamics were never not difficult.

I believe 67% of second marriages fail. They don't have good odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blended families dont really work. You can still date this person and parent/live separate.

Just for starters my mom remarried at near 40, my brothers and I were 3, 12, and 17. My step sister was 11. My brother and step sister ended up having a child, which was given up for adoption when they were 16 and 15, respectively. My youngest brother hates my stepdad with the fury of 1000 suns. My step-sister went on to have 2 more kids before 21. My brother is an addict and carries serious guilt (that their kid was adopted, that my mom and stepdad had problems after that, etc.). My step sister is supported with childcare and financially by my mom and stepdad but we are not. It is very clear that my brother and I get one half (to then share thirds) and my stepsister gets the other half. It is so blatant that they have offered to pay for her to go to school, but my brothers and I took out loans. They bought an investment property that she and her kids live in with rent reduced to 2/3 of market rate. When I bought a house, they did nothing- not even a Home Depot gift card.

They still try to do family holidays and it sucks. I just want to spend time with my mom and brothers. I really dislike my stepsister and my stepdad is annoying. She had 3 kids to take care of after living with a chaotic and verbally abusive father, but she chose him over us.

Sorry you went through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blended families dont really work. You can still date this person and parent/live separate.

Just for starters my mom remarried at near 40, my brothers and I were 3, 12, and 17. My step sister was 11. My brother and step sister ended up having a child, which was given up for adoption when they were 16 and 15, respectively. My youngest brother hates my stepdad with the fury of 1000 suns. My step-sister went on to have 2 more kids before 21. My brother is an addict and carries serious guilt (that their kid was adopted, that my mom and stepdad had problems after that, etc.). My step sister is supported with childcare and financially by my mom and stepdad but we are not. It is very clear that my brother and I get one half (to then share thirds) and my stepsister gets the other half. It is so blatant that they have offered to pay for her to go to school, but my brothers and I took out loans. They bought an investment property that she and her kids live in with rent reduced to 2/3 of market rate. When I bought a house, they did nothing- not even a Home Depot gift card.

They still try to do family holidays and it sucks. I just want to spend time with my mom and brothers. I really dislike my stepsister and my stepdad is annoying. She had 3 kids to take care of after living with a chaotic and verbally abusive father, but she chose him over us.

No offense OP, but this sounds like 100x more drama than a "normal" blended family. And not how most parents would treat their children. Also - very odd that your siblings had a baby together, clearly weird family dynamics.

I think this happens more than we know and has since the beginning of time. It certainly isn't publicized. Daughter is taken for abortion or baby is given up for adoption. Back in the old days the daughter would be sent to a home for unwed mothers and then sometimes the daughter and baby would come home after birth and the baby would be raised
as a sister to the daughter that gave birth. I know of two of these situations in which the baby did not know her sister was actually her mother until late in life.


You are correct but there is the potential. You have two unrelated kids constantly being together during a very precocious time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to present the other perspective: I am part of a blended family. My dad married my step mother when I was almost 9 and my step-siblings were 9 and 4. My dad and step mother had another kid at basically the same time they got married. Custody was 60 (mom)/40 (dad) for me and 50/50 for my step-sibs and arranged so we were all at my dad/step mom's at the same time as much as possible. It all worked fine. There were some issues, but nothing of a different level of seriousness or intractability than any other family would have. I got along very well w/ my same aged step sibling and my much younger half sibling and not so well w/ my younger step sibling, but for very normal sibling-esque reasons. As adults, we're all sort of cousin-y in closeness, but get along perfectly well. I got along fine but not great w/ my step mother growing up, but she's a fantastic grandmother to my kids (who call her grandma and don't see her as any different than their other two grandmas).

My next door neighbors had a blended family that worked. Each parent was a young widow/widower with three children. Each parent had 3 kids. Don married Betty
and all 6 kids moved in together. Both Don and Betty made a huge effort to make each kid be part of the big family. All kids are grown now. I believe some kids
are closer to their step siblings today than their bio siblings.

Both Don and Betty both told me there were rough times however. They were from a generation that made marriages work.

I think it is a bit different when the parents are widowed, instead of divorced. There is no "other parent" in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to present the other perspective: I am part of a blended family. My dad married my step mother when I was almost 9 and my step-siblings were 9 and 4. My dad and step mother had another kid at basically the same time they got married. Custody was 60 (mom)/40 (dad) for me and 50/50 for my step-sibs and arranged so we were all at my dad/step mom's at the same time as much as possible. It all worked fine. There were some issues, but nothing of a different level of seriousness or intractability than any other family would have. I got along very well w/ my same aged step sibling and my much younger half sibling and not so well w/ my younger step sibling, but for very normal sibling-esque reasons. As adults, we're all sort of cousin-y in closeness, but get along perfectly well. I got along fine but not great w/ my step mother growing up, but she's a fantastic grandmother to my kids (who call her grandma and don't see her as any different than their other two grandmas).

My next door neighbors had a blended family that worked. Each parent was a young widow/widower with three children. Each parent had 3 kids. Don married Betty
and all 6 kids moved in together. Both Don and Betty made a huge effort to make each kid be part of the big family. All kids are grown now. I believe some kids
are closer to their step siblings today than their bio siblings.

Both Don and Betty both told me there were rough times however. They were from a generation that made marriages work.

No offense but this is completely different. you aren't dealing with exes, and exes having new kids, and exes' new spouses bringing their own kids into the equation, and working out visitations and resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to present the other perspective: I am part of a blended family. My dad married my step mother when I was almost 9 and my step-siblings were 9 and 4. My dad and step mother had another kid at basically the same time they got married. Custody was 60 (mom)/40 (dad) for me and 50/50 for my step-sibs and arranged so we were all at my dad/step mom's at the same time as much as possible. It all worked fine. There were some issues, but nothing of a different level of seriousness or intractability than any other family would have. I got along very well w/ my same aged step sibling and my much younger half sibling and not so well w/ my younger step sibling, but for very normal sibling-esque reasons. As adults, we're all sort of cousin-y in closeness, but get along perfectly well. I got along fine but not great w/ my step mother growing up, but she's a fantastic grandmother to my kids (who call her grandma and don't see her as any different than their other two grandmas).

My next door neighbors had a blended family that worked. Each parent was a young widow/widower with three children. Each parent had 3 kids. Don married Betty
and all 6 kids moved in together. Both Don and Betty made a huge effort to make each kid be part of the big family. All kids are grown now. I believe some kids
are closer to their step siblings today than their bio siblings.

Both Don and Betty both told me there were rough times however. They were from a generation that made marriages work.

I think it is a bit different when the parents are widowed, instead of divorced. There is no "other parent" in the picture.

Yes. I mean, death of a parent can be a major trauma, but there is no custody shuffle and no having to coordinate schedules and parenting across three households. It is a different kind of situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment

The resentment is misplaced. Kids should be aware that nothing is equal in society. We’re not communists. Sally didn’t win the birth lottery but instead of stewing, she can work towards bettering herself with the opportunities that she does have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment

The resentment is misplaced. Kids should be aware that nothing is equal in society. We’re not communists. Sally didn’t win the birth lottery but instead of stewing, she can work towards bettering herself with the opportunities that she does have.

Domestic tranquility is sure to result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment

The resentment is misplaced. Kids should be aware that nothing is equal in society. We’re not communists. Sally didn’t win the birth lottery but instead of stewing, she can work towards bettering herself with the opportunities that she does have.

Domestic tranquility is sure to result.

I don’t think the non bio child is entitled to anything beyond the basics such as food and housing. I remember the thread by the stepmom whose bio son wouldn’t have his college paid for by the in laws but harboring such expectations isn’t healthy for anyone. Just breeds entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment

The resentment is misplaced. Kids should be aware that nothing is equal in society. We’re not communists. Sally didn’t win the birth lottery but instead of stewing, she can work towards bettering herself with the opportunities that she does have.

Domestic tranquility is sure to result.

I don’t think the non bio child is entitled to anything beyond the basics such as food and housing. I remember the thread by the stepmom whose bio son wouldn’t have his college paid for by the in laws but harboring such expectations isn’t healthy for anyone. Just breeds entitlement.

Teenagers are known for their reasonableness. Surely they will accept your reasoning and show not a speck of jealousy or bad behavior. Happy and loving family relations will prevail. What a kind and generois person you are!

[Anonymous]

Coincidentally, I just watched a movie, "Elena" this week. It is an interesting film about this very subject - what happens when two people from differing socio-economic backgrounds marry and what happens to their children and grandchildren.