Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally, I just watched a movie, "Elena" this week. It is an interesting film about this very subject - what happens when two people from differing socio-economic backgrounds marry and what happens to their children and grandchildren.

I'm the pp who made up the Larla/Sally/gymnastics scenario.

I looked up "Elena" and watched the trailer...looks interesting! Thanks for mentioning it!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment

but they are not siblings. they are STEP siblings. It is not hard for kids to understand that their step sibling has a separate set of relatives and conditions. this really only becomes an issue if Sally’s mom is the one who is pushing the “unfair treatment” narrative, or if Larla’s dad is unable to invest his time and energy to the shared home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment

The resentment is misplaced. Kids should be aware that nothing is equal in society. We’re not communists. Sally didn’t win the birth lottery but instead of stewing, she can work towards bettering herself with the opportunities that she does have.

^^exactly. It’s up to the adults to create a healthy happy home with what they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

This kind of thing definitely comes up. I had a friend in high school whose grandmother died and left her a diamond ring in her will. Her mother and stepfather confiscated the ring because “your stepbrother doesn’t get a diamond ring” (as if a 17 year old boy wants one). She never saw it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.

Hi OP,

I saw lots of negative responses, but it seems to me that many are geared toward the harm that comes from divorce. It seems like that ship has sailed for your children and for your step children. If you want more children and your partner wants more children too, then you should have more. You cannot control whether your kids will be close up their half- and step-siblings. Just try to make sure that you won’t end up divorcing again after another round of kids. Our blended family is not perfect, but very few families are. At least I am modeling a loving and respectful relationship to all of my children (bio and step).

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

This kind of thing definitely comes up. I had a friend in high school whose grandmother died and left her a diamond ring in her will. Her mother and stepfather confiscated the ring because “your stepbrother doesn’t get a diamond ring” (as if a 17 year old boy wants one). She never saw it again.

Mother is at fault here. I think she needs to step up for her daughter here. Awful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.

Hi OP,

I saw lots of negative responses, but it seems to me that many are geared toward the harm that comes from divorce. It seems like that ship has sailed for your children and for your step children. If you want more children and your partner wants more children too, then you should have more. You cannot control whether your kids will be close up their half- and step-siblings. Just try to make sure that you won’t end up divorcing again after another round of kids. Our blended family is not perfect, but very few families are. At least I am modeling a loving and respectful relationship to all of my children (bio and step).

Good luck, OP!

Exactly how do you propose someone make themselves "divorce-proof" especially when they have minor children they are responsible for? You may think you are being a perfect role model but you have no clue what is simmering underneath. No clue whatsoever. Just because you aren't divorced yet doesn't mean it still can't happen. Wait until some catastrophe happens and YOUR biological child needs special resources which your spouse may balk at. (Think: Teen kid gets into serious trouble, necessitating huge legal bills or rehab costs or raising a child as a result of teen pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Not thinking about kids leads to bigger problems in the future. Parents who are selfish to ignore all this face bigger problems later in life.

Op, you are clearly ignoring the obvious after so many people hv told you otherwise. Think about your children before you act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

No, you put both kids in gymnastics and if they cannot go to the sessions as they are with the other parent you see if you can do a make up session or do it during the week when you have the child. You don't say tuff luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

No, you put both kids in gymnastics and if they cannot go to the sessions as they are with the other parent you see if you can do a make up session or do it during the week when you have the child. You don't say tuff luck.

I'm the pp who created the Larla/Sally gymnastics scenario.

Paul and Mary can't afford gymnastics so "putting both kids in gymnastics" is not an option. Larla is able to do gymnastics because her mom (Paul's ex) is able to afford it.

Regarding Larla not going during Paul's week and doing a "make up session"--it sounds like you've never had a kid in any type of travel/competitive sport. There is no "make up" session. You show up to every practice/meet/competition/game or you're out. Period.