Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

[Anonymous]

We have a blended family and chose to not have children together. Our kids have gone through a divorce. And a remarriage. And despite everyone getting along and everything being smooth, that's still a lot. And its enough.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget, you will have to arrange all holiday schedules with the children's other families, forever. If you want the stepsiblings to have the slightest chance of feeling like family and being treated like family with each other's extended family relatives, that will require face time and travel. Hope you can afford it! And good luck forcing them through it. They may go along now but when they are teenagers they will be indifferent or outright resistant. You can't just wish everyone into a family. They all know perfectly well you can divorce again and they will never see each other again if that happens. It's fake.

[Anonymous]

A 50/50 child is going to feel left out. What are you going to do, never do anything 50% of the time? Your child is going to see the younger kids getting their mom and dad 100% of the time while he/she gets less. And has to make all the compromises necessary for younger siblings like getting less parental attention and only doing family activities that work for the little ones. In the long run they may appreciate having a sibling but in the short term it is a rocky road. They absolutely will feel like an outsider and it may be really hard for them to watch their siblings grow up in an intact family.

Think very hard about how many children you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Just to present the other perspective: I am part of a blended family. My dad married my step mother when I was almost 9 and my step-siblings were 9 and 4. My dad and step mother had another kid at basically the same time they got married. Custody was 60 (mom)/40 (dad) for me and 50/50 for my step-sibs and arranged so we were all at my dad/step mom's at the same time as much as possible. It all worked fine. There were some issues, but nothing of a different level of seriousness or intractability than any other family would have. I got along very well w/ my same aged step sibling and my much younger half sibling and not so well w/ my younger step sibling, but for very normal sibling-esque reasons. As adults, we're all sort of cousin-y in closeness, but get along perfectly well. I got along fine but not great w/ my step mother growing up, but she's a fantastic grandmother to my kids (who call her grandma and don't see her as any different than their other two grandmas).

[Anonymous]

This is good but I am wondering what your other siblings or step-siblings have to say about their experience. I am glad your experience was good though which is less than 10% of the cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to present the other perspective: I am part of a blended family. My dad married my step mother when I was almost 9 and my step-siblings were 9 and 4. My dad and step mother had another kid at basically the same time they got married. Custody was 60 (mom)/40 (dad) for me and 50/50 for my step-sibs and arranged so we were all at my dad/step mom's at the same time as much as possible. It all worked fine. There were some issues, but nothing of a different level of seriousness or intractability than any other family would have. I got along very well w/ my same aged step sibling and my much younger half sibling and not so well w/ my younger step sibling, but for very normal sibling-esque reasons. As adults, we're all sort of cousin-y in closeness, but get along perfectly well. I got along fine but not great w/ my step mother growing up, but she's a fantastic grandmother to my kids (who call her grandma and don't see her as any different than their other two grandmas).

Thank you PP!!

[Anonymous]

Is the experience different if your bio parent is the mom or dad in this situation?

[Anonymous]

I'm a single woman, dating. Left an abusive marriage after 14 years. Have three kids and primary custody, hes an every other weekend dad.

Every.single.woman I have spoken to who is in a blended family is miserable and tells me to avoid it.

I figure my best choice led me to marry an abusive man (like your best choice led you to have a baby with your abusive ex just FOUR years ago!)

Maybe start listening to others.

I have a great time dating and will NOT be subjecting my kids to step siblings, half siblings, new babies, or any more disruption. I am so proud of my choice to get out, but there is so much to look at how i got INTO that situation, and I cant imagine unpacking it all in a year, with a newborn, and thinking I was ready to make the choice of another man, and more kids, again already OP. Slow your roll, think of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

Maybe try to see your dad alone on nonholiday times

Pp here. Wow you just magically solved all my problems! Why did I never think of that?/s

I do see my dad on his own during nonholiday times, but also I’d like to spend holidays sometimes with him. Also, Christmas is when I have leave. Also at play is my dad and stepmom wanting all of us to be together for holidays. It’s exhausting. I’ve already got a mom and a stepdad and step siblings on their side, plus my in laws (also divorced). It makes for very complicated extended family dynamics, even when things aren’t dysfunctional they are still deeply complex when so many people are involved.

New poster -- my story is different but I can definitely identify with ongoing parental pressure/delusion of playing happy blended family well into adulthood for everyone. The warning here is to the parents. I know, you want to believe everyone is happy and -- my favorite -- "resilient." Your kids may act that way, to please you or to quiet you, for a long, long time. Sorry, my stepbrother will never be my brother, nice guy and all but hello I am 45 and have had enough.

+1. Do what you need to do, but don’t pressure the kids to think of their step siblings as “family.” Maybe they will and maybe they won’t, but if you try to force it, they definitely won’t, they will just pretend to keep you off their back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't forget, you will have to arrange all holiday schedules with the children's other families, forever. If you want the stepsiblings to have the slightest chance of feeling like family and being treated like family with each other's extended family relatives, that will require face time and travel. Hope you can afford it! And good luck forcing them through it. They may go along now but when they are teenagers they will be indifferent or outright resistant. You can't just wish everyone into a family. They all know perfectly well you can divorce again and they will never see each other again if that happens. It's fake.

This, truly. I think my divorcing parents honestly thought there'd be a bumpy year or two but then we'd settle into some imagined easy new normal, not really understanding that it'd be arranging and scheduling and splitting holidays forever ... like forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

Maybe try to see your dad alone on nonholiday times

Pp here. Wow you just magically solved all my problems! Why did I never think of that?/s

I do see my dad on his own during nonholiday times, but also I’d like to spend holidays sometimes with him. Also, Christmas is when I have leave. Also at play is my dad and stepmom wanting all of us to be together for holidays. It’s exhausting. I’ve already got a mom and a stepdad and step siblings on their side, plus my in laws (also divorced). It makes for very complicated extended family dynamics, even when things aren’t dysfunctional they are still deeply complex when so many people are involved.

Wow, you are really rude. It’s very entitled and spoiled to feel like you have the right to demand your father spend christa s without his wife. Spouses spend holidays together. You should not be demanding otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way. PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time. But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations. It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc. and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa.

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.

Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance. That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit. Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families. It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress. In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy. As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok. The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will. For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.

Ok....

So Paul has a daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time. Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it. Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics. The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time. You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?)

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't forget, you will have to arrange all holiday schedules with the children's other families, forever. If you want the stepsiblings to have the slightest chance of feeling like family and being treated like family with each other's extended family relatives, that will require face time and travel. Hope you can afford it! And good luck forcing them through it. They may go along now but when they are teenagers they will be indifferent or outright resistant. You can't just wish everyone into a family. They all know perfectly well you can divorce again and they will never see each other again if that happens. It's fake.

This, truly. I think my divorcing parents honestly thought there'd be a bumpy year or two but then we'd settle into some imagined easy new normal, not really understanding that it'd be arranging and scheduling and splitting holidays forever ... like forever.

My parents were astonished to discover that they would each be getting 50% time with their grandchildren. And if we alternate holidays with my in-laws, that is even less It literally had not occured to them until I gave birth. Yes, they are very stupid people.