Do most affairs eventually come out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, this board isn’t representative (geography, more people with relationship issues etc.) and so be careful of generalizing based on what you read here.

Grew up in a small town in the south. People tell me all kinds of good stuff because they have to tell someone and i am safe because I don’t go home much. My first BF - the only other person I went to HS with - is currently cheatIng on his husband. Smh

Small town in the south and gay marriage? Progressive...

Not progressive. Missed a word only other person who left. He’s in Atlanta which is where you go if you are in a small southern town and gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife had an affair with her tennis instructor. We were married for 18 years and she had an affair for 6 years before I found out.

Two of my ex-wife's friends had affairs, one with her boss and one with a coworker.

An acquaintance has an arrangement with a college student where he visits her a certain number of times a month and she gets paid a "stipend". Apparently there is a network to recruit and get into this arrangement. I do not think his wife knows.

A also know one coworker who is carrying on an affair in another city where we travel frequently.

Sugar Babies and Seeking Arrangement--the college girl is in reality a prostitute who goes by a fancy name of sugar baby

I’m in my mid twenties with friends that are very sex positive (some are involved polyamorous relationships/threesomes/BDSM) and I know no women who are sugar babies now or when I was in college. I doubt very many UMC college aged women do this often. It would be the women who are kind of trashy, obsessed with Instagram and luxury/material goods (but don’t have any safety net).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife had an affair with her tennis instructor. We were married for 18 years and she had an affair for 6 years before I found out.

Two of my ex-wife's friends had affairs, one with her boss and one with a coworker.

An acquaintance has an arrangement with a college student where he visits her a certain number of times a month and she gets paid a "stipend". Apparently there is a network to recruit and get into this arrangement. I do not think his wife knows.

A also know one coworker who is carrying on an affair in another city where we travel frequently.

You’ve got an interesting set of people around you. Lots of cheating around you. Is it work place acquaintances? If so, what job/industry?

Ten bucks it’s big law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with a married guy for 13 years. We were fwb before he got married. Just kept our relationship going. No one he knows has a clue.

Are you married?? Wth are you getting out of sloppy seconds?

No I’m single. Honestly not much but I just won’t get off the ride. I’ve tried a few times but he is persistent.

Do you have kids or are you just content being somebody’s f@ck bag?

Where is your self-esteem? Do you have an ounce of remorse that you are hurting a woman and kids very badly by your actions?

Karma babe.

His wife doesn’t know so I’m not hurting anyone. I’d be fine with it ending but he won’t let that happen. I probably don’t have much self respect.

Wtf? He won’t let that happen? Does he have a gun to your head?

Yes you are hurting his wife and it will come out and you will have destroyed her mentally. PTSD and years of therapy and awfulness.
You are an awful disgusting whore with zero self-esteem. You are worthless. Scum.

When I have tried to end it he freaks out, is mean to me. Shows up at my house anyway . I met him and was fwb with him years before he ever met her. I don’t think it will come out. He’s very good

He’s mean to you? So you keep f@cking him. This sounds completely abusive...showing up at your door, harassing you.

Get some therapy and learn your worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here.
As others have said, most keep it quiet and either tell no one or just one other person.
None of my friends’ affairs or one night stands have come out.

Christ. You are a real winner. Hang around with a bunch of whores. You must be one too.

I’m 50 and none of my college girlfriends, work best friends of 20 years or childhood friend have cheated on their spouses. No divorces in my family.

Telling. You are who you hang out with. Studies show this too.

Uhhh.... I read this as because 'most keep it quiet' she doesn't know about anyone's affair, but is assuming that some in her circle could very well be having affairs. She doesn't know. Her point is that people having affairs keep it quiet. As in, you seriously don't know if your college girlfriends, work best friends, or childhood friends have cheated on their spouses. Even if there are no divorces in your family, that doesn't mean there hasn't been an affair.

Wrong. I seriously love/adore my friends’ husbands. Our husbands all get along great. I get along famously with the wives of my husbands’ friends. If we visit in another state we both go. Everyone hangs out.

I would be so disappointed and disgusted if I found out one of my friends was cheating on her husband. We are 50 now and everyone has been together since late 20s-early 30s.

We have similar morals and outlook on life.

NP here. Lol at "wrong." Oh, ok, Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here.
As others have said, most keep it quiet and either tell no one or just one other person.
None of my friends’ affairs or one night stands have come out.

Christ. You are a real winner. Hang around with a bunch of whores. You must be one too.

I’m 50 and none of my college girlfriends, work best friends of 20 years or childhood friend have cheated on their spouses. No divorces in my family.

Telling. You are who you hang out with. Studies show this too.

Uhhh.... I read this as because 'most keep it quiet' she doesn't know about anyone's affair, but is assuming that some in her circle could very well be having affairs. She doesn't know. Her point is that people having affairs keep it quiet. As in, you seriously don't know if your college girlfriends, work best friends, or childhood friends have cheated on their spouses. Even if there are no divorces in your family, that doesn't mean there hasn't been an affair.

Wrong. I seriously love/adore my friends’ husbands. Our husbands all get along great. I get along famously with the wives of my husbands’ friends. If we visit in another state we both go. Everyone hangs out.

I would be so disappointed and disgusted if I found out one of my friends was cheating on her husband. We are 50 now and everyone has been together since late 20s-early 30s.

We have similar morals and outlook on life.

Everything about your vicious and obtuse postings makes me even more convinced you're married to the guy who hits on every woman at hotel bars. Jesus, lady.

Also yeah, shit happens, but if you are as nasty as you are on the internet as you are in person, you're just not going to hear about this. Maybe you think that’s a moral higher-end, but it is also not understanding humans in a complete way, falings and all. And i have never ever cheated or helped someone cheat so don't @me about that or call me a whore which seems like your incredibly misogynistic reflex.

[Anonymous]

Affairs devastate families and children.

They cause the victims mental trauma, PTSD, that can last a lifetime.

Shitty, f@cked up people have affairs. Something is wrong inside. It’s not answer for anything. It’s selfish and cowardly.

Some people are fantastic, devious little f@ckers so it might be a long time until they are caught. When they are, they quickly change their tune and throw their “lovah” under the bus because it was never love. It was enmeshment of two broken people in a fantasy world.

I’m in my 50s and do not know anyone personally that has had an affair or a marriage that blew up from an affair.

I think it’s a huge character flaw. You are a liar. Cheating=lying at the base level. It is morally corrupt.

[Anonymous]

I judge. I think anyone that cheats is scum. It forever changes my worldview of them.

Bill Clinton, Arnold, Anthony Weiner, Elliott Spitzer ? Scum. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my first did. My second (with the same person) did not.

And this why once a cheater, always a cheater. They just hide it better second time around.

Not necessarily.

This cheater learned his lesson and never strayed. Karma came back and bit my ass and my partner left me, but it never occurred to me to cheat again after what I had gone through.

And, more importantly, what your partner went through. It was way worse than what you went through.

[Anonymous]

It usually comes out. More and more will come out too, as most affairs happen in the workplace and most affairs happen when there is a disparity in the levels of "power." Boss and secretary. Doctor and nurse. Lawyer and paralegal. Exec and intern. It is pathetic, really, but in the end I think most men that are drawn into affairs are damaged individuals who need that constant sexual confirmation and ego stroking that this kind of power structure gives them.

But the modern day child psychiatry research indicates that the entire family be given age-approproate versions of the truth when parents divorce, rather than gaslighting them or leaving them to figure it out on their own. I mean, adults take years and years to recover from a divorce and for decades the advice had been to just reassure the kids that they are loved and their lives are being ripped part because mommy and daddy just can't get along.

Affairs hurt many, many people, and none of those people agreed to assist in the cover up. You can't betray people like that and then expect them to shield you from the public shame you so rightly deserve for your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It usually comes out. More and more will come out too, as most affairs happen in the workplace and most affairs happen when there is a disparity in the levels of "power." Boss and secretary. Doctor and nurse. Lawyer and paralegal. Exec and intern. It is pathetic, really, but in the end I think most men that are drawn into affairs are damaged individuals who need that constant sexual confirmation and ego stroking that this kind of power structure gives them.

But the modern day child psychiatry research indicates that the entire family be given age-approproate versions of the truth when parents divorce, rather than gaslighting them or leaving them to figure it out on their own. I mean, adults take years and years to recover from a divorce and for decades the advice had been to just reassure the kids that they are loved and their lives are being ripped part because mommy and daddy just can't get along.

Affairs hurt many, many people, and none of those people agreed to assist in the cover up. You can't betray people like that and then expect them to shield you from the public shame you so rightly deserve for your actions.

Omg. YES.

You said this so well.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It usually comes out. More and more will come out too, as most affairs happen in the workplace and most affairs happen when there is a disparity in the levels of "power." Boss and secretary. Doctor and nurse. Lawyer and paralegal. Exec and intern. It is pathetic, really, but in the end I think most men that are drawn into affairs are damaged individuals who need that constant sexual confirmation and ego stroking that this kind of power structure gives them.

But the modern day child psychiatry research indicates that the entire family be given age-approproate versions of the truth when parents divorce, rather than gaslighting them or leaving them to figure it out on their own. I mean, adults take years and years to recover from a divorce and for decades the advice had been to just reassure the kids that they are loved and their lives are being ripped part because mommy and daddy just can't get along.

Affairs hurt many, many people, and none of those people agreed to assist in the cover up. You can't betray people like that and then expect them to shield you from the public shame you so rightly deserve for your actions.

Omg. YES.

You said this so well.

+100

I don't know - I don't think my kids (at 2 and 5) needed to know the reason other thank mommy and daddy couldn't live together. But I appreciate the sentiment of the post.

I think usually the spouse will find out eventually. Outsiders, even close friends may not know however. I didn't tell people about my spouses infidelity and so many people just think I left cause I'm a b*tch I'm sure. I felt like I was being the bigger person (but I do sort of regret protecting him). My point is, there's more cheating than people know amount their circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It usually comes out. More and more will come out too, as most affairs happen in the workplace and most affairs happen when there is a disparity in the levels of "power." Boss and secretary. Doctor and nurse. Lawyer and paralegal. Exec and intern. It is pathetic, really, but in the end I think most men that are drawn into affairs are damaged individuals who need that constant sexual confirmation and ego stroking that this kind of power structure gives them.

But the modern day child psychiatry research indicates that the entire family be given age-approproate versions of the truth when parents divorce, rather than gaslighting them or leaving them to figure it out on their own. I mean, adults take years and years to recover from a divorce and for decades the advice had been to just reassure the kids that they are loved and their lives are being ripped part because mommy and daddy just can't get along.

Affairs hurt many, many people, and none of those people agreed to assist in the cover up. You can't betray people like that and then expect them to shield you from the public shame you so rightly deserve for your actions.

Omg. YES.

You said this so well.

+100

I don't know - I don't think my kids (at 2 and 5) needed to know the reason other thank mommy and daddy couldn't live together. But I appreciate the sentiment of the post.

I think usually the spouse will find out eventually. Outsiders, even close friends may not know however. I didn't tell people about my spouses infidelity and so many people just think I left cause I'm a b*tch I'm sure. I felt like I was being the bigger person (but I do sort of regret protecting him). My point is, there's more cheating than people know amount their circles.

Yeah. You were the bigger person. Cheaters are so phony. I’m sure he made it out like you were a b@tch. They gaslight and never admit to fault and do mental gymnastics to justify their pathological lies and deception.

I so agree with pp:

“You can't betray people like that and then expect them to shield you from the public shame you so rightly deserve for your actions. “

Your kids were young. By MS/HS, most kids end up learning the truth about their cheating parent and, even more sadly, often they discover it BEFORE their faithful parent. They are very perceptive and also much more tech knowledgeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here.
As others have said, most keep it quiet and either tell no one or just one other person.
None of my friends’ affairs or one night stands have come out.

Christ. You are a real winner. Hang around with a bunch of whores. You must be one too.

I’m 50 and none of my college girlfriends, work best friends of 20 years or childhood friend have cheated on their spouses. No divorces in my family.

Telling. You are who you hang out with. Studies show this too.

It doesn’t matter your opinion. Those around you who have done it just don’t tell you and keep you in the dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife had an affair with her tennis instructor. We were married for 18 years and she had an affair for 6 years before I found out.

Two of my ex-wife's friends had affairs, one with her boss and one with a coworker.

An acquaintance has an arrangement with a college student where he visits her a certain number of times a month and she gets paid a "stipend". Apparently there is a network to recruit and get into this arrangement. I do not think his wife knows.

A also know one coworker who is carrying on an affair in another city where we travel frequently.

Heard about it but never knew anyone who actually did it. Scary thing for parents.

I went on a date with a woman who had such an arrangement in college. She was younger but out of college and hinted at a similar arrangement, which I was not interested in, though she still will like photos I post on social media. The one thing she said, and I believe her, is that the man she had an arrangement with treated her way better than her friends were treated by their college-age BFs.