Contacted by bio dad’s wife to cut off contact with bio dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So I spoke to my bio dad and he told he thinks it’s better that we part ways. He insisted that his wife had nothing to do with it and says he just cannot be a father to me in the ways I am seeking e.g. grandfather to my future kids, vacationing together. I feel like he owes me though, because if he hadn’t had that fling with my mom, I wouldn’t have existed and now I have no family except for my mom. Anyone else ever dealt with this?

You are an adult. You have been raised. The only thing he might "owe" you is some genetic medical history. You have family and chances are in the future your family will grow. You knew about him and no choose not to have a relationship before now. He is not a replacement for the man who raised you.

There has been no paternity test so its unclear if they share genetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

Christ. Yeah, she definitely has a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

Christ. Yeah, she definitely has a point.

Yup. And no paternity test. She must not be working if she can do that and is looking for money.

[Anonymous]

You should get therapy OP. And respect your biological father and his wife’s wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So I spoke to my bio dad and he told he thinks it’s better that we part ways. He insisted that his wife had nothing to do with it and says he just cannot be a father to me in the ways I am seeking e.g. grandfather to my future kids, vacationing together. I feel like he owes me though, because if he hadn’t had that fling with my mom, I wouldn’t have existed and now I have no family except for my mom. Anyone else ever dealt with this?

Op, it's time for some counseling. You can't turn him into the man you want.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately the world is not fair in the way that you seek. Many children get no father, and you had one who sounds like he was a gift.

You cannot replace him, certainly not with this man. Please deal with your loss and the fact that most adults have to face a phase of their life without parents. Seek therapy to help you look forward and depend upon yourself.

I am quite confident that your bio-dad and his wife would bring more pain and disappointment into your life than good. He is being honest when he says he cannot be what you want. That may feel like a new loss, but it has been true your whole life. Again, a professional can help you deal with your losses. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the world is not fair in the way that you seek. Many children get no father, and you had one who sounds like he was a gift.

You cannot replace him, certainly not with this man. Please deal with your loss and the fact that most adults have to face a phase of their life without parents. Seek therapy to help you look forward and depend upon yourself.

I am quite confident that your bio-dad and his wife would bring more pain and disappointment into your life than good. He is being honest when he says he cannot be what you want. That may feel like a new loss, but it has been true your whole life. Again, a professional can help you deal with your losses. Good luck

Please don’t malign the man and his wife. OP’s mom should have had a brain to use birth control.

[Anonymous]

And that is her sole responsibility because...

[Anonymous]

Because our society and their conscience allows men to shirk their parental responsibilities. (some men)

[Anonymous]

OP refuses a paternity test. No one knows if this is even her biological father. OP clearly has mental health issues. Mom kept child from "Dad" and now child reappears to move in with "Dad" and have them pay for her needs. Sounds like a scammer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So I spoke to my bio dad and he told he thinks it’s better that we part ways. He insisted that his wife had nothing to do with it and says he just cannot be a father to me in the ways I am seeking e.g. grandfather to my future kids, vacationing together. I feel like he owes me though, because if he hadn’t had that fling with my mom, I wouldn’t have existed and now I have no family except for my mom. Anyone else ever dealt with this?

He doesn't owe you anything. You had a father, who raised you. It's sad that he died, but no one owes you a replacement father. Vacationing together? Calling or texting every day, wanting to move to their city? Too much. Way too much, and your father is probably right to cut things off because you are asking too much. He he doesn't want to start being your father now that you are in your 30s, he doesn't want to be a grandfather to your kids, he doesn't want to go on vacations with you, he doesn't want to communicate with you daily. He is your father only in the most technical sense. Your father is dead, and you should just grieve him and remember him and not try to replace him with someone who is functionally a sperm donor.

Repeat: he doesn't owe you anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP refuses a paternity test. No one knows if this is even her biological father. OP clearly has mental health issues. Mom kept child from "Dad" and now child reappears to move in with "Dad" and have them pay for her needs. Sounds like a scammer.

Agree OP is the one with issues. And also agree that Mom has a huge role in this estrangement since she did not encourage a relationship with the father. (Maybe that's an indicator that the man really isn't OP's father...)

Likewise, dad's wife has an absolute right to opine on who enters her and her husband's life. Including any unknown offspring. It may very well be that dad and his wife have led a very happy, childfree-by-choice, and financially successful life.

Now the OP (who doesn't sound financially stable let alone mentally stable) enters this man's life ON A DAILY basis, wants to move in with him, and is seeking a certain amount of support from him - to probably include financial support.

IMO, I think this post is actually a stepmom in disguise who has actually had this situation foisted upon her and has relayed it from the "child's" perspective. If she had posted it in her own role I am sure everyone would have slammed her for being a wicked stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP refuses a paternity test. No one knows if this is even her biological father. OP clearly has mental health issues. Mom kept child from "Dad" and now child reappears to move in with "Dad" and have them pay for her needs. Sounds like a scammer.

Agree OP is the one with issues. And also agree that Mom has a huge role in this estrangement since she did not encourage a relationship with the father. (Maybe that's an indicator that the man really isn't OP's father...)

Likewise, dad's wife has an absolute right to opine on who enters her and her husband's life. Including any unknown offspring. It may very well be that dad and his wife have led a very happy, childfree-by-choice, and financially successful life.

Now the OP (who doesn't sound financially stable let alone mentally stable) enters this man's life ON A DAILY basis, wants to move in with him, and is seeking a certain amount of support from him - to probably include financial support.

IMO, I think this post is actually a stepmom in disguise who has actually had this situation foisted upon her and has relayed it from the "child's" perspective. If she had posted it in her own role I am sure everyone would have slammed her for being a wicked stepmom.

That's the thing about DCUM. If a woman wasn't welcoming to her husband's offspring, the hate unleashed would be crazy. People give conflicting opinions depending on who is posting.

[Anonymous]

tell him.

[Anonymous]

OP seek therapy.