Contacted by bio dad’s wife to cut off contact with bio dad

[Anonymous]

OP I am in a similar situation. Your father needs to decide here. Not his wife. My biological father was not present in my life until I reached out to recently while in my 30s. I hadn't reached out earlier due to resentment that he never reached out to me when I was a child. I had an amazing stepdad but I was still curious about my biological father and I hated that he never called to see how I was doing. When I did reached out to him, he was thrilled. Turns out that he longed for a relationship with me but didn't know where to start. He was sad that someone else was raising me, but given how stable my stepdad was, he felt that it was probably for the best.

With that said, calling him everyday and moving to where he lives seems really fast. I speak to my former estranged father maybe 1-2 times a month and he calls me more that I call him. Maybe you should not reach out to him for a few days and see if he reaches out to you. Also, be honest with yourself about your motives. Your biological doesn't deserve to be a replacement.

You need to have a heart to heart with him at some point and ask him how he really feels about you being around. Give him the opportunity to share and be prepared in the event that he shares something similar to what his wife has shared. I wouldn't rat her out unless it came up naturally in the conversation.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bio dad knocked up my mom but she ended up marrying another man and they raised me together. My bio dad lived across the country and I knew about him but there wasn’t a relationship. My stepdad passed last year and I reached out to my bio dad and visited him and his wife. I even stayed over at their place a few times but at the last visit, his wife sat me down to say she doesn’t think it’s healthy for me to continue contact with my bio dad especially as it seems I’m only doing so because the man who raised me passed and bio dad never had a relationship with me nor is he on my birth certificate (stepdad and my mom married before I was born). I think she feels threatened by our connection and she’ll make remarks about how my bio dad and her never wanted any children together when my bio dad wasn’t home. Bio dad doesn’t know any of this as none of this took place in front of him and I’m not supposed to share any of this with him. I’m upset and don’t know how to deal with this rejection. My mom says my relationship with my bio dad would have bothered her if my stepdad were still living but she says I’m old enough to figure things out on my own. Should I share with my bio dad what his wife said to me?

it's up to your bio dad to say whether he wants a relationship with you or not. I would not come between this marriage. Ask your dad how he feels (without bringing up anything your step mom said) and go with that-- if he seems to sincerely want a relationship, share his response with his wife if she mentions it again.

All of that said, you don't necessarily know your step mom's motivation- she could feel threatened by the relationship, financially threatened, or she might feel protective of your bio dad. They were married before you decided you wanted a relationship--the simple fact is that this is your bio dad, he's not your parent. You didn't step father was your parent--and it shows by your decision not to get in touch with your bio dad until he passed. These are complicating factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him and see what he does and how he reacts. Be prepared to be hurt if he chooses the wife. She is a bad person. Don’t do what she says.

I suspect that he asked her to do this. Leave him alone. He didn't want you before and he doesn't want you now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him and see what he does and how he reacts. Be prepared to be hurt if he chooses the wife. She is a bad person. Don’t do what she says.

I suspect that he asked her to do this. Leave him alone. He didn't want you before and he doesn't want you now.

Different poster but yes! It's different for men. They literally have no bond with a child unless the child is born and even then it's hit or miss. Your bio dad knew about you but didnt seek you out. His wife must have thought she lucked out that he didnt have any child responsibilities. People get defensive in scenarios where a spouse comes in between a child and their natural parent but based on how OP comes across, it's warranted. Stay in your lane OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him and see what he does and how he reacts. Be prepared to be hurt if he chooses the wife. She is a bad person. Don’t do what she says.

I suspect that he asked her to do this. Leave him alone. He didn't want you before and he doesn't want you now.

Different poster but yes! It's different for men. They literally have no bond with a child unless the child is born and even then it's hit or miss. Your bio dad knew about you but didnt seek you out. His wife must have thought she lucked out that he didnt have any child responsibilities. People get defensive in scenarios where a spouse comes in between a child and their natural parent but based on how OP comes across, it's warranted. Stay in your lane OP!

No its not different for men and people like you are why Dad's are not involved. Mom didn't want Dad involved and married another man quickly to get him on the BC. Dad was cut out of his child's life. Dad isn't on the birth certificate and no paternity test has been done to verify he is Dad. OP is being really intrusive and smothering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him and see what he does and how he reacts. Be prepared to be hurt if he chooses the wife. She is a bad person. Don’t do what she says.

Different poster but she’s not bad. The wife has a point.

No, it is not at all her place to come between a man and his child.

Nor should she manipulate a child who is in mourning to deceive his father.

OP should perhaps send an email or by phone say that she has had some conversations with him that make him feel unwelcome, and that she asked him not to reveal the content with the dad but that child feels uncomfortable keeping secrets from him.

Then, the marriage will have to deal with it.

She sounds AWFUL. (Also selfish and insecure...good thing she chose not to have children!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man clings to his wife. Not to his child who was adopted and showed no interest. If the wife is uncomfortable with the relationship then the DD needs to back up. OP and her mom can go lay flowers on the dad’s burial site then be done with this new dad relationship. If you feel a need to keep in touch with bio dad then send a Christmas card, or call once a year.

The man himself needs to say that, not the wife. It's not her place. Until then, she needs to back up.

You can’t call the rules in that wife’s house.

Wife's house? What is this the Taming of the Shrew?

She can't call the rules in her husband's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him and see what he does and how he reacts. Be prepared to be hurt if he chooses the wife. She is a bad person. Don’t do what she says.

I suspect that he asked her to do this. Leave him alone. He didn't want you before and he doesn't want you now.

Different poster but yes! It's different for men. They literally have no bond with a child unless the child is born and even then it's hit or miss. Your bio dad knew about you but didnt seek you out. His wife must have thought she lucked out that he didnt have any child responsibilities. People get defensive in scenarios where a spouse comes in between a child and their natural parent but based on how OP comes across, it's warranted. Stay in your lane OP!

What makes posters like you think you can spend for your whole gender?

Hopefully, some men are less like dogs than you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take a DNA test like ancestry or 23 and me along with the man you think is your bio father. You cannot be certain he really is your bio father. In the course of only months your mom slept with 2 men, you have no idea if she slept with a third guy who is trally your bio father.

What, take a DNA test to satisfy you?????????????????//

No one involved needs this...but you are insisting upon it.

Get a grip man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

I am sorry. It sounds like to me that you are really missing/grieving the Dad who raised you.

I think your contact with your biodad is too much (e.g. calling too often, staying too long).

You two have had virtually no relationship your whole life. Don't exaggerate the power of the genetic connection. He sounds like less of a prize that your stepdad...so you won the lottery

Having said that, this is something you need to work out with him (not her). Ask to speak to him alone. I would be honest about what has transpired. Hear him out.

And consider therapy to work through the many painful emotions this is bringing up for you.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bio dad knocked up my mom but she ended up marrying another man and they raised me together. My bio dad lived across the country and I knew about him but there wasn’t a relationship. My stepdad passed last year and I reached out to my bio dad and visited him and his wife. I even stayed over at their place a few times but at the last visit, his wife sat me down to say she doesn’t think it’s healthy for me to continue contact with my bio dad especially as it seems I’m only doing so because the man who raised me passed and bio dad never had a relationship with me nor is he on my birth certificate (stepdad and my mom married before I was born). I think she feels threatened by our connection and she’ll make remarks about how my bio dad and her never wanted any children together when my bio dad wasn’t home. Bio dad doesn’t know any of this as none of this took place in front of him and I’m not supposed to share any of this with him. I’m upset and don’t know how to deal with this rejection. My mom says my relationship with my bio dad would have bothered her if my stepdad were still living but she says I’m old enough to figure things out on my own. Should I share with my bio dad what his wife said to me?

Your relationship with your biodad is between the two of you. His wife has no role in it. So smile and say you'll take it up with your father. Also, it's not up to her to decide what's supposed to be shared with your dad or not. There is no rejection. You never asked for her acceptance so just ignore.

It is probably not a good idea to stay at their place anymore. See your dad or not but go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man clings to his wife. Not to his child who was adopted and showed no interest. If the wife is uncomfortable with the relationship then the DD needs to back up. OP and her mom can go lay flowers on the dad’s burial site then be done with this new dad relationship. If you feel a need to keep in touch with bio dad then send a Christmas card, or call once a year.

The man himself needs to say that, not the wife. It's not her place. Until then, she needs to back up.

You can’t call the rules in that wife’s house.

If someone doesn't want a relationship, it's up to them to say so. Not their meddling wife.

Her house, her rules. Period.

Is her biodad a kept man? No? Then it's his house too.

With that said, there is a whole big world of places to meet outside of his house.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So I spoke to my bio dad and he told he thinks it’s better that we part ways. He insisted that his wife had nothing to do with it and says he just cannot be a father to me in the ways I am seeking e.g. grandfather to my future kids, vacationing together. I feel like he owes me though, because if he hadn’t had that fling with my mom, I wouldn’t have existed and now I have no family except for my mom. Anyone else ever dealt with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So I spoke to my bio dad and he told he thinks it’s better that we part ways. He insisted that his wife had nothing to do with it and says he just cannot be a father to me in the ways I am seeking e.g. grandfather to my future kids, vacationing together. I feel like he owes me though, because if he hadn’t had that fling with my mom, I wouldn’t have existed and now I have no family except for my mom. Anyone else ever dealt with this?

You are an adult. You have been raised. The only thing he might "owe" you is some genetic medical history. You have family and chances are in the future your family will grow. You knew about him and no choose not to have a relationship before now. He is not a replacement for the man who raised you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So I spoke to my bio dad and he told he thinks it’s better that we part ways. He insisted that his wife had nothing to do with it and says he just cannot be a father to me in the ways I am seeking e.g. grandfather to my future kids, vacationing together. I feel like he owes me though, because if he hadn’t had that fling with my mom, I wouldn’t have existed and now I have no family except for my mom. Anyone else ever dealt with this?

OP you aren't owed anything. You mom have a fling, married another man and put him on the birth certificate. This man wasn't given a choice. You don't even know if this is your biological Dad as you refuse a paternity test. You mom may be lying about him or it could be another man. You are smothering him and really entitled and that's a huge turn off. Your Dad died. You cannot replace him.