Contacted by bio dad’s wife to cut off contact with bio dad

[Anonymous]

Definitely tell your bio dad what his wife told you. She sounds manipulative. At least this way you’ll have an open and honest conversation with your father, even if he agrees with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Agree she is probably worried about him changing his will, and/or otherwise jealous.
I would be honest with dad. Tell him you are going to reduce contact because you get the feeling it makes stepmom uncomfortable, and no one, not even an adult child, should come between two married people. Cut back on the in person visits, send birthday and father's day cards, send pictures, do a Zoom call quarterly, whatever you want. I wouldn't cut him out completely but I'd pull back.

Step mom is an evil witch but he married her.

This. She is jealous, because he said he never wanted kids with her. Also, she thinks you are a golddigger because you are just now contacting him at this late date. This second one, of course, is unfair, because many adoptees feel as you do that they aren't comfortable contacting their birth parents until their parents (the only ones they've ever known) die. Most of them simply want genetic information, or feel this strong pull to meet their bio parent, and are not looking for money.

At this point, you need to fade away. If he invites you, tell him that you know you make his wife uncomfortable and you don't want to come between them. Remember, you already had a loving dad in your life.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Agree she is probably worried about him changing his will, and/or otherwise jealous.
I would be honest with dad. Tell him you are going to reduce contact because you get the feeling it makes stepmom uncomfortable, and no one, not even an adult child, should come between two married people. Cut back on the in person visits, send birthday and father's day cards, send pictures, do a Zoom call quarterly, whatever you want. I wouldn't cut him out completely but I'd pull back.

Step mom is an evil witch but he married her.

This. She is jealous, because he said he never wanted kids with her. Also, she thinks you are a golddigger because you are just now contacting him at this late date. This second one, of course, is unfair, because many adoptees feel as you do that they aren't comfortable contacting their birth parents until their parents (the only ones they've ever known) die. Most of them simply want genetic information, or feel this strong pull to meet their bio parent, and are not looking for money.

At this point, you need to fade away. If he invites you, tell him that you know you make his wife uncomfortable and you don't want to come between them. Remember, you already had a loving dad in your life.

No, the OP indicated that both didn't want children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely tell your bio dad what his wife told you. She sounds manipulative. At least this way you’ll have an open and honest conversation with your father, even if he agrees with his wife.

OP’s story is actually pretty common. And it’s also common that spouses don’t like anyone new rocking the boat. If the wife had raised the OP as a stepdaughter, then she is out of bounds but as OP admits, THEY NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP. The woman has another man as her legal father in the eyes of the law. Why is she only harassing them now?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you left out some important details. You text and/ or call every day? You are moving to his city? I’d be nervous about you too. Do you think you might take things a little bit slower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you left out some important details. You text and/ or call every day? You are moving to his city? I’d be nervous about you too. Do you think you might take things a little bit slower?

Agree. What kind of relationship did you have with the dad who raised you? Perhaps before you move to bio dad’s city, you should talk to a therapist about why you feel the need to move there. Did you consider step dad your dad? Did bio dad ever try to contact your mom over the past 30+ years to ever meet you? If not, why are you uprooting your entire life to move to his city when he doesn’t initiate contact with you. I feel like stepmom may be trying to let you down easy and tell you that you are smothering your bio dad with the daily calls and texts and the plans to move there. You may not end up with a close relationship with your bio dad and you may need therapy to with through that (before you move).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

You are an adult and need to move on. 30+ year olds don’t move in with someone that is essentially a stranger regardless of the biology. He didn’t raise you, he didn’t have partial custody of you, he didn’t have any relationship with you. He was basically a sperm donor and now your wanting to live with him for a month and move close to him and text him daily.

You need to take time to grieve the loss of your legal father, the man that raised you from birth. Please make an appt with a therapist and leave the sperm donor couple alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you left out some important details. You text and/ or call every day? You are moving to his city? I’d be nervous about you too. Do you think you might take things a little bit slower?

And you're staying with them for a month?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you left out some important details. You text and/ or call every day? You are moving to his city? I’d be nervous about you too. Do you think you might take things a little bit slower?

And you're staying with them for a month?!?

Now everyone is going to be Team Bio dad’s wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you left out some important details. You text and/ or call every day? You are moving to his city? I’d be nervous about you too. Do you think you might take things a little bit slower?

And you're staying with them for a month?!?

Now everyone is going to be Team Bio dad’s wife.

I think PP is right that the bio dad's wife is trying to gently that she is smothering him/them. That it is all too much too fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

Is this really OP? Because if so, you withheld a LOT of important information. You seem like an opportunist or a stalker based on what you just wrote, with a big heaping of entitlement. I was on your side until you dropped this doozy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

This is really bizarre. What is really going on here. You don't need to call and text every day and move to their city to have a relationship. Are you expecting them to financially support you. Something sounds off from no relationship to full on you smothering him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think she told me instead of telling bio dad because I'm the one who initiates contact. I text and call just about every day and even am planning to move to their city to have a closer relationship. She says she would be more understanding if I were a kid but I'm in my mid-30s and should be mindful of boundaries such as not assuming that I can stay at their place for a month just because I'm his bio daughter. She hints that I am the one who has been driving this relationship and that neither of them have an obligation towards me. That is what I am sad about. 

Is this really OP? Because if so, you withheld a LOT of important information. You seem like an opportunist or a stalker based on what you just wrote, with a big heaping of entitlement. I was on your side until you dropped this doozy.

OP sounds unhinged and it's why the wife is wary of her. Like I said, the guy never had a relationship with her. Another man knowingly raised her as his own and now she's seeking out the man who did father her but that is just inappropriate. It's disrespectful to her stepdad. Bio dad just provided sperm and so what obligation does he have toward her at her age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you left out some important details. You text and/ or call every day? You are moving to his city? I’d be nervous about you too. Do you think you might take things a little bit slower?

And you're staying with them for a month?!?

She's looking for a free ride. You don't invite yourself to move in with them and expect them to financially support you. Move to your mom. She didn't want you to have a relationship with Dad. Let her provide for you. As the wife I'd say no as well.