Stepfamily and sentimental things like photos after dad passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I agree with everyone else that you’re out of line. However, have you ever considered that they took the money and ran - perhaps there was no graveside service or anything else. It’s possible they got money from you and it went right into their own pockets. But that’s on you - you didn’t need to write them a check when they planned their own event that you could/would not attend.

Good for them if they did. Dad didn't want a service and OP didn't care. OP should have arranged it, attended and paid for it directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I agree with everyone else that you’re out of line. However, have you ever considered that they took the money and ran - perhaps there was no graveside service or anything else. It’s possible they got money from you and it went right into their own pockets. But that’s on you - you didn’t need to write them a check when they planned their own event that you could/would not attend.

Good for them if they did. Dad didn't want a service and OP didn't care. OP should have arranged it, attended and paid for it directly.

OP mentioned that this was a father who raised somebody else’s kids for most of her life. She was not estranged from him. She mentioned they visited each other and she helped him from a distance. She did not keep his grandkids from him. She mentioned sending him tickets so he could visit them.

There have been stories, in famous families, of people having to go to court to make decisions, for an elderly parent, because they were not being included in important decisions. There might not have been time to do something like this. She could have gone to probate court afterwards to make sure everything was handled properly if there was no will. Instead, it sounds like she told them they could have everything, including anything of value, that they might find. Even seniors, on a limited income, may turn out to have something of value that they had forgotten about or did not know was valuable. She only asked for family photos and yet most people here think that was an unreasonable request.

[Anonymous]

Reach out again. Ask if they would take a photo of the photo and text to you. Less work for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve learned the hard way when a close relative dies, if there is something of tremendous sentimental value, you go ASAP in person to get it. ASAP. Pictures, the family bible, some trinket, etc. don’t ever expect anyone else, even if they are related to you, to set something aside for you, save it for you or send it to you. Ever.

Death brings out the crazies in even relatively normal people. You cannot predict how people respond. So just because OP you feel like your step family “owes” it to you to retrieve the items you want (photos and papers), they clearly don’t. And since you haven’t made alternative arrangements to get them, at this point you should consider the items gone. They’ve probably been thrown away or someone else is keeping them for some unknown reason. They may claim they can’t find it. Doesn’t matter.

Learn the lesson. I did when my grandmother died and I will never let it happen again. When someone dies and there is something I consider precious that I want, I go myself immediately to get it (a family photo, cards, letters, etc. I’m not talking items of huge monetary value but items that you can’t put a monetary value on because it’s sentimental).

+1000 Even if it is something small and of little value.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not paying for their services. You are paying for your Dad's needs. When your stepmom died, they should made the arrangements and prepaid for Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I agree with everyone else that you’re out of line. However, have you ever considered that they took the money and ran - perhaps there was no graveside service or anything else. It’s possible they got money from you and it went right into their own pockets. But that’s on you - you didn’t need to write them a check when they planned their own event that you could/would not attend.

Good for them if they did. Dad didn't want a service and OP didn't care. OP should have arranged it, attended and paid for it directly.

OP mentioned that this was a father who raised somebody else’s kids for most of her life. She was not estranged from him. She mentioned they visited each other and she helped him from a distance. She did not keep his grandkids from him. She mentioned sending him tickets so he could visit them.

There have been stories, in famous families, of people having to go to court to make decisions, for an elderly parent, because they were not being included in important decisions. There might not have been time to do something like this. She could have gone to probate court afterwards to make sure everything was handled properly if there was no will. Instead, it sounds like she told them they could have everything, including anything of value, that they might find. Even seniors, on a limited income, may turn out to have something of value that they had forgotten about or did not know was valuable. She only asked for family photos and yet most people here think that was an unreasonable request.

She can ask but its their choice to give. She should have handled it as it was her Dad. Instead of sending money, she should have flown out alone and taken care of it. Its a reasonable request but they may be busy or just forgot. Or, they don't have easy access to them. Its a lot of work to take care of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to those few who posted positive posts and good advice! My aunt is the sweetest lady in the world. They actually volunteered to send photos, from the graveside service, to her via phone or email. I am not sure why they did not follow through with this. Everyone was polite and we all thanked them for their help when we were there. I was truly grateful that they were paying forward some of the help that my dad had given them over the years. My dad did not want a service. Should they have planned one anyway that only they could attend? I helped pay for it even though they made decisions without consulting me. My dh and I would have paid more but they had already made a deposit and said that they would sell his car to pay for that. Was it expecting too much to think they would follow through with photos, especially to my aunt, when those photos could have been sent by phone or email? I don’t expect anything, now, but will be pleasantly surprised if a box shows up in the mail someday.

"My dad wanted to be next to his wife and that plot was already paid for but he did not want a service so I thought I was being generous to help to pay for one. There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose because they had already chosen what they wanted to do."

This and all your other posts makes it clear it's all about the money and it's all about YOU. I find it shameful you think because he was still mobile/walking around that he didn't need assistance. Obviously you've never cared for someone with terminal cancer.

You came on here to get others to agree with your sad actions, and when most of us don't, you try to defend yourself to assuage your guilt and somehow place blame on people who WERE there when your dad needed him.

Your poor father … I am glad he had some people around him during his last days who seemed to care about him. You obviously didn't.

If you read all the posts, he refused assistance. Everyone, his siblings, stepfamily, me, and his hospice nurse tried to convince him to accept home aides. He was used to being very independent. He never did accept an aide. She brought him a walker and other equipment but he did not want to use any of it. The hospice nurse had a challenging time trying to convince him to go to the hospice house.

He did not want a service because everyone in his own family lived out of state. The question was should they have honored his wishes or was it okay for them to have one for themselves. It is about honoring his wishes and also about not being consulted about other options that might have cost less. We helped him out many times over the years by sending him money. I also let them know that they could have everything, including anything of value, and only asked for photos.

Many, many people refuse assistance when they need it - dealing with this refusal and continuing to asses their needs and provide support is frequently part of the struggle for caring for an elderly parent. Usually people don’t just immediately throw up their hands and not do anything just because that’s what the Parent says. The bargaining and gentle ways to provide them with support while not offending them can be a whole project in itself.
If you are so against the graveside service why are you so eager to have photos of it?
Considering you made the decision that traveling for this and helping clean out your dad’s apartment would have been a burden for you I’m not sure why you don’t consider the burdens these commitments may have placed on his step children. No, they didn’t live far away like you but you don’t know how emotional this was for them or what competing family and professional commitments may have made this a similar burden for them. Being in close proximity to your dad they may have supported him in (non financial) ways you don’t even know about. You seem to place value on all your actions but not value any of the efforts they made.
I understand why you are upset but all your posts make no attempt to see things from the side of your step siblings other than in a financial sense. If you do follow up about photos please do so politely and kindly acknowledging this has also been a loss for them. I hear the resentment in your tone when you discuss the financial help your dad provided his step children but you will never truly know his exact motivations and the conclusions you make are just going to wear away at you.
I don’t think you are a bad daughter but I do think you are making a sad situation worse than it has to be. Have a little compassion for your step siblings, think about how you can best mourn your dad, and take this experience as a lesson on the pros and cons of not being present for a death/follow up.
I know that in my family, following the long illness and death of a close family member the thing that mattered most were the people who actually showed up and helped deal with the needs in person- many family members did so despite the extraordinary burden on their time and finances. Some didn’t and that was fine too but I’m not sure I would have reacted well to them making demands following the death- Id certainly do my best but I remember that time as incredibly emotionally draining with even relatively simple logistics around finances and the service becoming quite complicated especially with differing opinions among family on how to handle them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to those few who posted positive posts and good advice! My aunt is the sweetest lady in the world. They actually volunteered to send photos, from the graveside service, to her via phone or email. I am not sure why they did not follow through with this. Everyone was polite and we all thanked them for their help when we were there. I was truly grateful that they were paying forward some of the help that my dad had given them over the years. My dad did not want a service. Should they have planned one anyway that only they could attend? I helped pay for it even though they made decisions without consulting me. My dh and I would have paid more but they had already made a deposit and said that they would sell his car to pay for that. Was it expecting too much to think they would follow through with photos, especially to my aunt, when those photos could have been sent by phone or email? I don’t expect anything, now, but will be pleasantly surprised if a box shows up in the mail someday.

"My dad wanted to be next to his wife and that plot was already paid for but he did not want a service so I thought I was being generous to help to pay for one. There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose because they had already chosen what they wanted to do."

This and all your other posts makes it clear it's all about the money and it's all about YOU. I find it shameful you think because he was still mobile/walking around that he didn't need assistance. Obviously you've never cared for someone with terminal cancer.

You came on here to get others to agree with your sad actions, and when most of us don't, you try to defend yourself to assuage your guilt and somehow place blame on people who WERE there when your dad needed him.

Your poor father … I am glad he had some people around him during his last days who seemed to care about him. You obviously didn't.

If you read all the posts, he refused assistance. Everyone, his siblings, stepfamily, me, and his hospice nurse tried to convince him to accept home aides. He was used to being very independent. He never did accept an aide. She brought him a walker and other equipment but he did not want to use any of it. The hospice nurse had a challenging time trying to convince him to go to the hospice house.

He did not want a service because everyone in his own family lived out of state. The question was should they have honored his wishes or was it okay for them to have one for themselves. It is about honoring his wishes and also about not being consulted about other options that might have cost less. We helped him out many times over the years by sending him money. I also let them know that they could have everything, including anything of value, and only asked for photos.

Many, many people refuse assistance when they need it - dealing with this refusal and continuing to asses their needs and provide support is frequently part of the struggle for caring for an elderly parent. Usually people don’t just immediately throw up their hands and not do anything just because that’s what the Parent says. The bargaining and gentle ways to provide them with support while not offending them can be a whole project in itself.
If you are so against the graveside service why are you so eager to have photos of it?
Considering you made the decision that traveling for this and helping clean out your dad’s apartment would have been a burden for you I’m not sure why you don’t consider the burdens these commitments may have placed on his step children. No, they didn’t live far away like you but you don’t know how emotional this was for them or what competing family and professional commitments may have made this a similar burden for them. Being in close proximity to your dad they may have supported him in (non financial) ways you don’t even know about. You seem to place value on all your actions but not value any of the efforts they made.
I understand why you are upset but all your posts make no attempt to see things from the side of your step siblings other than in a financial sense. If you do follow up about photos please do so politely and kindly acknowledging this has also been a loss for them. I hear the resentment in your tone when you discuss the financial help your dad provided his step children but you will never truly know his exact motivations and the conclusions you make are just going to wear away at you.
I don’t think you are a bad daughter but I do think you are making a sad situation worse than it has to be. Have a little compassion for your step siblings, think about how you can best mourn your dad, and take this experience as a lesson on the pros and cons of not being present for a death/follow up.
I know that in my family, following the long illness and death of a close family member the thing that mattered most were the people who actually showed up and helped deal with the needs in person- many family members did so despite the extraordinary burden on their time and finances. Some didn’t and that was fine too but I’m not sure I would have reacted well to them making demands following the death- Id certainly do my best but I remember that time as incredibly emotionally draining with even relatively simple logistics around finances and the service becoming quite complicated especially with differing opinions among family on how to handle them.

.

This is a very thoughtful post. I can kind of understand contributing to an event that you can ‘t attend especially now with the coronavirus and wondering why e-photos were not sent when that can be done so easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to those few who posted positive posts and good advice! My aunt is the sweetest lady in the world. They actually volunteered to send photos, from the graveside service, to her via phone or email. I am not sure why they did not follow through with this. Everyone was polite and we all thanked them for their help when we were there. I was truly grateful that they were paying forward some of the help that my dad had given them over the years. My dad did not want a service. Should they have planned one anyway that only they could attend? I helped pay for it even though they made decisions without consulting me. My dh and I would have paid more but they had already made a deposit and said that they would sell his car to pay for that. Was it expecting too much to think they would follow through with photos, especially to my aunt, when those photos could have been sent by phone or email? I don’t expect anything, now, but will be pleasantly surprised if a box shows up in the mail someday.

"My dad wanted to be next to his wife and that plot was already paid for but he did not want a service so I thought I was being generous to help to pay for one. There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose because they had already chosen what they wanted to do."

This and all your other posts makes it clear it's all about the money and it's all about YOU. I find it shameful you think because he was still mobile/walking around that he didn't need assistance. Obviously you've never cared for someone with terminal cancer.

You came on here to get others to agree with your sad actions, and when most of us don't, you try to defend yourself to assuage your guilt and somehow place blame on people who WERE there when your dad needed him.

Your poor father … I am glad he had some people around him during his last days who seemed to care about him. You obviously didn't.

If you read all the posts, he refused assistance. Everyone, his siblings, stepfamily, me, and his hospice nurse tried to convince him to accept home aides. He was used to being very independent. He never did accept an aide. She brought him a walker and other equipment but he did not want to use any of it. The hospice nurse had a challenging time trying to convince him to go to the hospice house.

He did not want a service because everyone in his own family lived out of state. The question was should they have honored his wishes or was it okay for them to have one for themselves. It is about honoring his wishes and also about not being consulted about other options that might have cost less. We helped him out many times over the years by sending him money. I also let them know that they could have everything, including anything of value, and only asked for photos.

Many, many people refuse assistance when they need it - dealing with this refusal and continuing to asses their needs and provide support is frequently part of the struggle for caring for an elderly parent. Usually people don’t just immediately throw up their hands and not do anything just because that’s what the Parent says. The bargaining and gentle ways to provide them with support while not offending them can be a whole project in itself.
If you are so against the graveside service why are you so eager to have photos of it?
Considering you made the decision that traveling for this and helping clean out your dad’s apartment would have been a burden for you I’m not sure why you don’t consider the burdens these commitments may have placed on his step children. No, they didn’t live far away like you but you don’t know how emotional this was for them or what competing family and professional commitments may have made this a similar burden for them. Being in close proximity to your dad they may have supported him in (non financial) ways you don’t even know about. You seem to place value on all your actions but not value any of the efforts they made.
I understand why you are upset but all your posts make no attempt to see things from the side of your step siblings other than in a financial sense. If you do follow up about photos please do so politely and kindly acknowledging this has also been a loss for them. I hear the resentment in your tone when you discuss the financial help your dad provided his step children but you will never truly know his exact motivations and the conclusions you make are just going to wear away at you.
I don’t think you are a bad daughter but I do think you are making a sad situation worse than it has to be. Have a little compassion for your step siblings, think about how you can best mourn your dad, and take this experience as a lesson on the pros and cons of not being present for a death/follow up.
I know that in my family, following the long illness and death of a close family member the thing that mattered most were the people who actually showed up and helped deal with the needs in person- many family members did so despite the extraordinary burden on their time and finances. Some didn’t and that was fine too but I’m not sure I would have reacted well to them making demands following the death- Id certainly do my best but I remember that time as incredibly emotionally draining with even relatively simple logistics around finances and the service becoming quite complicated especially with differing opinions among family on how to handle them.

Thank You! This is some very good and thoughtful advice. The only thing is that nobody was making demands on them. My dad had already signed over his car and closed his bank account to pay bills before he went to hospice. They actually seemed very relieved when I said that I only cared about family photos and papers and they could have everything else. There was no need for probate then and this actually made less work. My dad was very neat and organized and had already downsized quite a bit. They could take what they wanted and have someone pick up the rest for donation. His siblings decided that they could only make one trip also so we got to visit him, while he was still very alert, and knew we were there. He did not want a service since his siblings, nieces, nephews, and I all lived out of state. It is fine that they wanted to have a small graveside service, for themselves, but it was for their benefit not because it was something that he wanted. They actually promised to send photos of the service by email or phone to my aunt who would have forwarded them to me. Someday, when my kids are older, I will try to travel there again and send my aunt some photos of his resting place. You were right, and I do not want to make a sad situation worse, by reminding them that they had forgotten to do this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should have handled it all yourself. They did a lot for your dad despite what you are saying or feeling. You have no idea what is really involved with it all. You could have done a service at a later date when everyone could attend or at least you. You are blaming them for being irresponsible but they handled everything. They sounded responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should have handled it all yourself. They did a lot for your dad despite what you are saying or feeling. You have no idea what is really involved with it all. You could have done a service at a later date when everyone could attend or at least you. You are blaming them for being irresponsible but they handled everything. They sounded responsible.

We have talked about having an informal family gathering, in the state, where most of us live, after quarantine. He did not want a service so why are they being responsible by giving him something that he did not want? They decided to do this without consulting me. Was I supposed to tell them that they shouldn’t do it because it was not what he wanted them to do? My dad had almost all of his affairs in order before he entered the hospice house. His siblings and I did thank them several times for helping him.

[Anonymous]

My DH’s father did not want a service. He loved playing golf so they planned a memorial lunch at the golf course to honor him instead.

[Anonymous]

When my dad died, it was so hard just handling everything. There’s a hundred things to do, and it was all emotionally and mentally exhausting. And this was on top of my normal day to day responsibilities, with kids of my own to take care of. All the funeral and burial arrangements, going through his financials, figuring out how to sell his car after he died, figuring out how any of this all worked. It was a lot.

If a family member, who did not even come to the graveside service, also tasked me with going through all his belongings to find some “sentimental” items, and ship it out to them, I just would probably ignore the request also. Especially if this was right after my dad passed away. I might even be angry at that person.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, op.

I think it's ok to ask again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my dad died, it was so hard just handling everything. There’s a hundred things to do, and it was all emotionally and mentally exhausting. And this was on top of my normal day to day responsibilities, with kids of my own to take care of. All the funeral and burial arrangements, going through his financials, figuring out how to sell his car after he died, figuring out how any of this all worked. It was a lot.

If a family member, who did not even come to the graveside service, also tasked me with going through all his belongings to find some “sentimental” items, and ship it out to them, I just would probably ignore the request also. Especially if this was right after my dad passed away. I might even be angry at that person.

He did not want a service because he did not want his own family to have to make two cross country trips in a short amount of time. He had already gone through the financial stuff before going into the hospice house. He was an incredibly neat and tidy person who had already downsized most of his things so nobody would be drained doing this. If there is an extreme opposite of a hoarder then that would be him. They sounded relieved that I only wanted family photos. They could have found what they wanted to keep in a few hours and everything else was neat enough that it could be picked up for donation by an organization that has their own truck.

For any single person who ever has to consider moving, across country for a job, that is difficult for kids. I had to start flying back and forth, in elementary school and that is an all day trip. By the time, I had my own kids, we had to start sending him tickets to visit them. He had retired by then so he had the time to visit us. My dad was in a warm southern climate and that is where he wanted to stay after he retired. It was his choice but I always had to make more of an effort to visit with him. His own family decided they could only make one trip and we all decided that we would rather see him before rather than after. We appreciated that he had made an effort to make everything as simple as possible before he went into the hospice house. We also appreciated the steps who helped him do this.