Stepfamily and sentimental things like photos after dad passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss, op.

I think it's ok to ask again.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

The stepfamily all knew beforehand that we were all only able to make one trip there. This was not a request afterwards to ask for photos. They volunteered to send them and sounded happy that I did not want anything else. My dad made everything as simple as possible because he knew what was involved for me to make one trip by myself. DH had to work, while also watching the kids, one who has special needs. His sister was able to come help him for a few days but could not take more time off work when I went to visit my dad.

The people who are judgy that I did not go back for the service need to consider that he did not want a service, they decide to do this themselves, without asking me, and scheduled it within a week of his passing. It would have been difficult to go in such short notice. It did not make sense to try to so when it was not what he wanted us to do.

[Anonymous]

Just to clarify, I could have said they could keep or donate everything. They asked and volunteered to send family photos so that counts as an informal request. I suppose it might have been better to ask them to set aside a box for me that I could have retrieved later on.

[Anonymous]

They might have set aside a box in one of their closets or garage and just forgot to send it.

[Anonymous]

OP You are getting a lot of judgement from people which I think is ridiculous. Having been in the same situation flying and driving back and forth for years taking care of dying family there is an out of mind/ not taking responsibility from those who did little. They can STILL feel they are burdened by even the slightest thing. Your small request only makes them feel guilty and they will go right back to doing little or nothing while praising themselves for doing anything.
It’s a strange thing that happens after death of a relative. You don’t really need pictures and the more you ask the more they will resist.
I’m very sorry for your loss but ask again and then drop it. I’m sorry they aren’t being more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stepfamily all knew beforehand that we were all only able to make one trip there. This was not a request afterwards to ask for photos. They volunteered to send them and sounded happy that I did not want anything else. My dad made everything as simple as possible because he knew what was involved for me to make one trip by myself. DH had to work, while also watching the kids, one who has special needs. His sister was able to come help him for a few days but could not take more time off work when I went to visit my dad.

The people who are judgy that I did not go back for the service need to consider that he did not want a service, they decide to do this themselves, without asking me, and scheduled it within a week of his passing. It would have been difficult to go in such short notice. It did not make sense to try to so when it was not what he wanted us to do.

OP they did all this to please themselves with little thought of you or your Dads wishes. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

You know what, packing up someone's belongings is tough work. If they did it, you need to be grateful. It was your work to do. And they did it.

Your attitude needs some serious adjustment. No photos for you. Sorry. If you had closed up his estate, then you could have saved whatever you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The stepfamily all knew beforehand that we were all only able to make one trip there. This was not a request afterwards to ask for photos. They volunteered to send them and sounded happy that I did not want anything else. My dad made everything as simple as possible because he knew what was involved for me to make one trip by myself. DH had to work, while also watching the kids, one who has special needs. His sister was able to come help him for a few days but could not take more time off work when I went to visit my dad.

The people who are judgy that I did not go back for the service need to consider that he did not want a service, they decide to do this themselves, without asking me, and scheduled it within a week of his passing. It would have been difficult to go in such short notice. It did not make sense to try to so when it was not what he wanted us to do.

OP they did all this to please themselves with little thought of you or your Dads wishes. I’m sorry.

If op wanted a say, she could handle it. They did a tiny grave side service. That was nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what, packing up someone's belongings is tough work. If they did it, you need to be grateful. It was your work to do. And they did it.

Your attitude needs some serious adjustment. No photos for you. Sorry. If you had closed up his estate, then you could have saved whatever you wanted.

It is tough work for most people. He did almost all of this himself before going into hospice house. You have probably never known as neat and organized person as my dad who downsized a lot before going into hospice. They could have packed up what they wanted to keep in only a few hours. Anything left, like clothes, were donated. He was the extreme opposite of a hoarder. Most people fall somewhere, in the middle, so packing up their stuff would be a lot of work. If someone gave you everything, in someone else’s small estate, and you did not want to set aside photos, when you had asked them beforehand, what they wanted, and then you deliberately decided not to send the photos, then you would be a very petty person. It is more understandable if they forgot to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what, packing up someone's belongings is tough work. If they did it, you need to be grateful. It was your work to do. And they did it.

Your attitude needs some serious adjustment. No photos for you. Sorry. If you had closed up his estate, then you could have saved whatever you wanted.

It is tough work for most people. He did almost all of this himself before going into hospice house. You have probably never known as neat and organized person as my dad who downsized a lot before going into hospice. They could have packed up what they wanted to keep in only a few hours. Anything left, like clothes, were donated. He was the extreme opposite of a hoarder. Most people fall somewhere, in the middle, so packing up their stuff would be a lot of work. If someone gave you everything, in someone else’s small estate, and you did not want to set aside photos, when you had asked them beforehand, what they wanted, and then you deliberately decided not to send the photos, then you would be a very petty person. It is more understandable if they forgot to do this.


[/quote

I've packed up my dead father's belongings. It was hard. It will be hard when it's my mother. If you had done it, you could say it wasn't hard. You haven't, so you wouldn't really know.

[Anonymous]

I really don't know what else you want from us here OP.

Most people have told you to forget about the photos. Many others have told you what they think of your behavior towards your father.

You've gotten plenty of answers from plenty of people. So why do you feel a need to still come on here and continue to justify yourself? Take your answers and be done with it already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't know what else you want from us here OP.

Most people have told you to forget about the photos. Many others have told you what they think of your behavior towards your father.

You've gotten plenty of answers from plenty of people. So why do you feel a need to still come on here and continue to justify yourself? Take your answers and be done with it already.

And some have had thoughtful nonjudgmental responses unlike yours. Those are the responses that are helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think you should ask them again. As in all things remember that requests work better when there is gratitude not attitude. Try the sandwich approach (2 positives/good things, 1 and only 1 request/comment/constructive criticism, 2 positives/good things).

Call them to find out how they're doing. Tell them you've been thinking a lot about how much of a burden they undertook with your (shared) father and how they did such a great job, tell them how happy you were that they had a graveside service and your (shared) father would have been so pleased, ask for the pictures and offer to venmo the money for postage, tell them how much they meant to your (shared) father, tell them how much all their work meant to you. Then see what happens.

Write out what you're going to say before hand and check your list as you run through it during the call. This helps ensure you deploy the strategy with fidelity so that you increase your chances of success.

The sandwich approach is aka the oreo approach.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask them again. As in all things remember that requests work better when there is gratitude not attitude. Try the sandwich approach (2 positives/good things, 1 and only 1 request/comment/constructive criticism, 2 positives/good things).

Call them to find out how they're doing. Tell them you've been thinking a lot about how much of a burden they undertook with your (shared) father and how they did such a great job, tell them how happy you were that they had a graveside service and your (shared) father would have been so pleased, ask for the pictures and offer to venmo the money for postage, tell them how much they meant to your (shared) father, tell them how much all their work meant to you. Then see what happens.

Write out what you're going to say before hand and check your list as you run through it during the call. This helps ensure you deploy the strategy with fidelity so that you increase your chances of success.

The sandwich approach is aka the oreo approach.

Good luck!

Thank you! This is the best advice yet. As someone just asked, why I kept posting, it was for a response like this. While I am not ready to call yet, I will write out what I would say. I will not post again unless this there are positive results to share. Right now, I am going to look up more on this approach. Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

There are some real bitches here who lack reading comprehension.

OP, wishing you the best of luck in getting photos and other meaningful mementos of your father's life.