Stepfamily and sentimental things like photos after dad passed away.

[Anonymous]

My dad wanted to be next to his wife and that plot was already paid for but he did not want a service so I thought I was being generous to help to pay for one. There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose because they had already chosen what they wanted to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes absolutely no sense.

What exactly makes no sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes absolutely no sense.

My dad got sick and declined very quickly. He had cancer and did not want treatment. He was still very independent, but when he refused treatment, he was enrolled in hospice. He was still driving then and the hospice nurse visited, once a week, at first. He did not want her to come more often than that. When he became unable to drive, and needed some help, he refused a home/health aide. Everyone tried to convince him to have an aide. His siblings and I visited him and tried to convince him to have one. I could not stay indefinitely because I have a family that needs me at home. His siblings could not stay longer either for economical reasons. Somehow, the hospice nurse was able to convince him to go to hospice, because he did not want to go. She waited until he was almost incapable of deciding for himself. We had all agreed that she should admit him when he could no longer care for his own basic needs. The stepfamily stepped up those last weeks but they also made decisions without consulting me. My dad did not want a service and I would have honored that but instead I helped cover the costs since they had already decided what they wanted to do. His out of state family talked about having a small informal gathering, in someone’s home, to honor him since he did not want a service. It would have to be after quarantine. We did thank the stepfamily for helping him, more than once, in person, and with cards.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to those few who posted positive posts and good advice! My aunt is the sweetest lady in the world. They actually volunteered to send photos, from the graveside service, to her via phone or email. I am not sure why they did not follow through with this. Everyone was polite and we all thanked them for their help when we were there. I was truly grateful that they were paying forward some of the help that my dad had given them over the years. My dad did not want a service. Should they have planned one anyway that only they could attend? I helped pay for it even though they made decisions without consulting me. My dh and I would have paid more but they had already made a deposit and said that they would sell his car to pay for that. Was it expecting too much to think they would follow through with photos, especially to my aunt, when those photos could have been sent by phone or email? I don’t expect anything, now, but will be pleasantly surprised if a box shows up in the mail someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to those few who posted positive posts and good advice! My aunt is the sweetest lady in the world. They actually volunteered to send photos, from the graveside service, to her via phone or email. I am not sure why they did not follow through with this. Everyone was polite and we all thanked them for their help when we were there. I was truly grateful that they were paying forward some of the help that my dad had given them over the years. My dad did not want a service. Should they have planned one anyway that only they could attend? I helped pay for it even though they made decisions without consulting me. My dh and I would have paid more but they had already made a deposit and said that they would sell his car to pay for that. Was it expecting too much to think they would follow through with photos, especially to my aunt, when those photos could have been sent by phone or email? I don’t expect anything, now, but will be pleasantly surprised if a box shows up in the mail someday.

"My dad wanted to be next to his wife and that plot was already paid for but he did not want a service so I thought I was being generous to help to pay for one. There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose because they had already chosen what they wanted to do."

This and all your other posts makes it clear it's all about the money and it's all about YOU. I find it shameful you think because he was still mobile/walking around that he didn't need assistance. Obviously you've never cared for someone with terminal cancer.

You came on here to get others to agree with your sad actions, and when most of us don't, you try to defend yourself to assuage your guilt and somehow place blame on people who WERE there when your dad needed him.

Your poor father … I am glad he had some people around him during his last days who seemed to care about him. You obviously didn't.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, Unfortunately, I don’t think you are getting the photos you want. You asked, and have been met with silence. There’s really nothing you can do other than stew about it, or chose to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a classic "I hate dad's wife" kind of kid. I can only imagine what your behavior has been like over the years. I would guess you had a very strained relationship with him once he remarried, which I am sure would have been heartbreaking to him.

You clearly resent that your father spent time and money on his wife and her kids, that's for sure. Maybe your dad willingly did do because he liked them and wanted to help. It is certain her kids were there during his illness and final chapter in life. The fact they willingly took care of his arrangements is something YOU should be ashamed of since you are his legal next of kin.

Yes you get kudos for sending him money but you made it a point of keeping score. That's not a genuine act of giving, especially to a parent in need.

Not op. You have issues pp.

[Anonymous]

I’ve learned the hard way when a close relative dies, if there is something of tremendous sentimental value, you go ASAP in person to get it. ASAP. Pictures, the family bible, some trinket, etc. don’t ever expect anyone else, even if they are related to you, to set something aside for you, save it for you or send it to you. Ever.

Death brings out the crazies in even relatively normal people. You cannot predict how people respond. So just because OP you feel like your step family “owes” it to you to retrieve the items you want (photos and papers), they clearly don’t. And since you haven’t made alternative arrangements to get them, at this point you should consider the items gone. They’ve probably been thrown away or someone else is keeping them for some unknown reason. They may claim they can’t find it. Doesn’t matter.

Learn the lesson. I did when my grandmother died and I will never let it happen again. When someone dies and there is something I consider precious that I want, I go myself immediately to get it (a family photo, cards, letters, etc. I’m not talking items of huge monetary value but items that you can’t put a monetary value on because it’s sentimental).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to those few who posted positive posts and good advice! My aunt is the sweetest lady in the world. They actually volunteered to send photos, from the graveside service, to her via phone or email. I am not sure why they did not follow through with this. Everyone was polite and we all thanked them for their help when we were there. I was truly grateful that they were paying forward some of the help that my dad had given them over the years. My dad did not want a service. Should they have planned one anyway that only they could attend? I helped pay for it even though they made decisions without consulting me. My dh and I would have paid more but they had already made a deposit and said that they would sell his car to pay for that. Was it expecting too much to think they would follow through with photos, especially to my aunt, when those photos could have been sent by phone or email? I don’t expect anything, now, but will be pleasantly surprised if a box shows up in the mail someday.

"My dad wanted to be next to his wife and that plot was already paid for but he did not want a service so I thought I was being generous to help to pay for one. There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose because they had already chosen what they wanted to do."

This and all your other posts makes it clear it's all about the money and it's all about YOU. I find it shameful you think because he was still mobile/walking around that he didn't need assistance. Obviously you've never cared for someone with terminal cancer.

You came on here to get others to agree with your sad actions, and when most of us don't, you try to defend yourself to assuage your guilt and somehow place blame on people who WERE there when your dad needed him.

Your poor father … I am glad he had some people around him during his last days who seemed to care about him. You obviously didn't.

If you read all the posts, he refused assistance. Everyone, his siblings, stepfamily, me, and his hospice nurse tried to convince him to accept home aides. He was used to being very independent. He never did accept an aide. She brought him a walker and other equipment but he did not want to use any of it. The hospice nurse had a challenging time trying to convince him to go to the hospice house.

He did not want a service because everyone in his own family lived out of state. The question was should they have honored his wishes or was it okay for them to have one for themselves. It is about honoring his wishes and also about not being consulted about other options that might have cost less. We helped him out many times over the years by sending him money. I also let them know that they could have everything, including anything of value, and only asked for photos.

[Anonymous]

Quarantine may continue off and on for a long time until there is a vaccine. People, with parents, who live far away should have conversations with them even though it is difficult. The problem is that a another relative, home aide, house keeper, neighbor, or friend could slowly take over their financial affairs if there is nobody nearby to advocate for them. Some might think they are being helpful, and some are helpful, but there are people who will take advantage of a situation like that.

[Anonymous]

Most here think it is unreasonable to expect photos of a service that OP could not attend even though OP helped pay for it. It sounds like they were more than happy to accept her check and either volunteered or agreed to send photos from the service and his home but did not follow through with either of these things.

[Anonymous]

OP. I agree with everyone else that you’re out of line. However, have you ever considered that they took the money and ran - perhaps there was no graveside service or anything else. It’s possible they got money from you and it went right into their own pockets. But that’s on you - you didn’t need to write them a check when they planned their own event that you could/would not attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should like a crappy child.

You did not read the whole thread. Go away troll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I agree with everyone else that you’re out of line. However, have you ever considered that they took the money and ran - perhaps there was no graveside service or anything else. It’s possible they got money from you and it went right into their own pockets. But that’s on you - you didn’t need to write them a check when they planned their own event that you could/would not attend.

How is OP out of line? Is it because she expected they would follow through with what they said they would do? Sometimes, you have to trust other people and it does not always work out. The lack of photos sent could be because there was no service, they forgot to send them, or they just don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad wanted to be next to his wife and that plot was already paid for but he did not want a service so I thought I was being generous to help to pay for one. There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose because they had already chosen what they wanted to do.

You are making this about you wanting people to say how wonderful you are. Your Dad did not want a service. So, you choose to pay for one anyway which you didn't attend and don't find that odd. You should have waited to do a grave side service till everyone could attend. You didn't care what he wanted at all.