Reply to Stepfamily and sentimental things like photos after dad passed away.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you to those few who posted positive posts and good advice! My aunt is the sweetest lady in the world. They actually volunteered to send photos, from the graveside service, to her via phone or email. I am not sure why they did not follow through with this. Everyone was polite and we all thanked them for their help when we were there. I was truly grateful that they were paying forward some of the help that my dad had given them over the years. My dad did not want a service. Should they have planned one anyway that only they could attend? I helped pay for it even though they made decisions without consulting me. My dh and I would have paid more but they had already made a deposit and said that they would sell his car to pay for that. Was it expecting too much to think they would follow through with photos, especially to my aunt, when those photos could have been sent by phone or email? I don’t expect anything, now, but will be pleasantly surprised if a box shows up in the mail someday.

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"My dad wanted to be next to his wife and [b]that plot was already paid for[/b] but he did not want a service so I thought [b]I was being generous to help to pay for one[/b]. [b]There were cheaper options that I was not able to chose [/b]because they had already chosen what they wanted to do."

This and all your other posts makes it clear it's all about the money and it's all about YOU.  I find it shameful you think because he was still mobile/walking around that he didn't need assistance.  Obviously you've never cared for someone with terminal cancer.

You came on here to get others to agree with your sad actions, and when most of us don't, you try to defend yourself to assuage your guilt and somehow place blame on people who WERE there when your dad needed him.

Your poor father … I am glad he had some people around him during his last days who seemed to care about him.  You obviously didn't. 
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If you read all the posts, he refused assistance. Everyone, his siblings, stepfamily, me, and his hospice nurse tried to convince him to accept home aides. He was used to being very independent. He never did accept an aide. She brought him a walker and other equipment but he did not want to use any of it. The hospice nurse had a challenging time trying to convince him to go to the hospice house.

He did not want a service because everyone in his own family lived out of state. The question was should they have honored his wishes or was it okay for them to have one for themselves. It is about honoring his wishes and also about not being consulted about other options that might have cost less. We helped him out many times over the years by sending him money. I also let them know that they could have everything, including anything of value, and only asked for photos.

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Many, many people refuse assistance when they need it - dealing with this refusal and continuing to asses their needs and provide support is frequently part of the struggle for caring for an elderly parent. Usually people don’t just immediately throw up their hands and not do anything just because that’s what the Parent says. The bargaining and gentle ways to provide them with support while not offending them can be a whole project in itself.
If you are so against the graveside service why are you so eager to have photos of it?
Considering you made the decision that traveling for this and helping clean out your dad’s apartment would have been a burden for you I’m not sure why you don’t consider the burdens these commitments may have placed on his step children. No, they didn’t live far away like you but you don’t know how emotional this was for them or what competing family and professional commitments may have made this a similar burden for them. Being in close proximity to your dad they may have supported him in (non financial) ways you don’t even know about. You seem to place value on all your actions but not value any of the efforts they made.
I understand why you are upset but all your posts make no attempt to see things from the side of your step siblings other than in a financial sense. If you do follow up about photos please do so politely and kindly acknowledging this has also been a loss for them. I hear the resentment in your tone when you discuss the financial help your dad provided his step children but you will never truly know his exact motivations and the conclusions you make are just going to wear away at you.
I don’t think you are a bad daughter but I do think you are making a sad situation worse than it has to be. Have a little compassion for your step siblings, think about how you can best mourn your dad, and take this experience as a lesson on the pros and cons of not being present for a death/follow up.
I know that in my family, following the long illness and death of a close family member the thing that mattered most were the people who actually showed up and helped deal with the needs in person- many family members did so despite the extraordinary burden on their time and finances. Some didn’t and that was fine too but I’m not sure I would have reacted well to them making demands following the death- Id certainly do my best but I remember that time as incredibly emotionally draining with even relatively simple logistics around finances and the service becoming quite complicated especially with differing opinions among family on how to handle them.[/quote].

This is a very thoughtful post. I can kind of understand contributing to an event that you can ‘t attend especially now with the coronavirus and wondering why e-photos were not sent when that can be done so easily.[/quote]

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