Stepfamily and sentimental things like photos after dad passed away.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that you are going through this, OP.

You sound like a good person. You visited your father, and had him visit you. You helped him out financially when he needed it.

Attending the funeral service is less important than the time you spent together when he was alive.

I think it’s fine to reach out politely and inquire about the things they agreed they would send to you. If you still do not receive them, maybe find a way to let that go, or ask them to set the things aside and hopefully you can come and get them at some point. It seems that the hospice nurse sensed something was odd about the way and speed they handled things, and took the initiative to let you know, which was kind of her.

I’m very sorry for your loss, and yes, I think some posters here are not reading carefully and/or are being judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't go to the funeral but want photos. No.

You didn't even help organise the service. They owe you nothing. If it meant anything to you you would have travelled for the service.

.

My dad did not want a service. He did not want his siblings or me to have to make two cross county trips in a short amount of time. His siblings also visited him before he passed away. The stepfamily decided to give him a small graveside service for just them. I helped pay for it. They don’t owe me anything but they are the reason my dad was in such a precarious financial position. We helped my dad many times because of this. They said they would send photos of the gravesite to my aunt via email or phone but they did not send them to her either. Is it wrong to ask them to follow through on this?

[Anonymous]

Geez people are cruel on this thread. I was in a similar situation and I had used all of my vacation time/money visiting my family member while they were still alive. I could not attend the funeral either but I was aware that it was already planned and paid (it was a long illness).

With that said as soon as I could I flew out to pack up things that had meaning to our family. I think anyone reading this shouldn’t expect other people to this for them once their relative passes. As mentioned above it can be very emotional and time consuming.

OP, get on a plane and settle this with your step family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You didn't go to the funeral but want photos. No.

You didn't even help organise the service. They owe you nothing. If it meant anything to you you would have travelled for the service.

.

My dad did not want a service. He did not want his siblings or me to have to make two cross county trips in a short amount of time. His siblings also visited him before he passed away. The stepfamily decided to give him a small graveside service for just them. I helped pay for it. They don’t owe me anything but they are the reason my dad was in such a precarious financial position. We helped my dad many times because of this. They said they would send photos of the gravesite to my aunt via email or phone but they did not send them to her either. Is it wrong to ask them to follow through on this?

They were his caretakers. Do you have any idea what is involved with that as you clearly don't. You are demanding and annoying. You could have gone to the graveside service. You could have cared for him his last few weeks or even the last few years and choose not to. But, its easier to complain.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say there is no executor but Aimone literally has to go to his apartment, clean it out, get rid of his possessions, and get it ready for re-occupancy by the next tenant.

Who is that person?

I find it strange that it’s not you. And if I was a stepchild who got stuck with that task, I would be annoyed that you were looking for me to sort through and find sentimental items for you.

I think it’s understandable for you to be annoyed that your stepaiblings squandered your dad’s money and stressed him out so much the last 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that you are going through this, OP.

You sound like a good person. You visited your father, and had him visit you. You helped him out financially when he needed it.

Attending the funeral service is less important than the time you spent together when he was alive.

I think it’s fine to reach out politely and inquire about the things they agreed they would send to you. If you still do not receive them, maybe find a way to let that go, or ask them to set the things aside and hopefully you can come and get them at some point. It seems that the hospice nurse sensed something was odd about the way and speed they handled things, and took the initiative to let you know, which was kind of her.

I’m very sorry for your loss, and yes, I think some posters here are not reading carefully and/or are being judgmental.

.

Thank you, that is good advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you say there is no executor but Aimone literally has to go to his apartment, clean it out, get rid of his possessions, and get it ready for re-occupancy by the next tenant.

Who is that person?

I find it strange that it’s not you. And if I was a stepchild who got stuck with that task, I would be annoyed that you were looking for me to sort through and find sentimental items for you.

I think it’s understandable for you to be annoyed that your stepaiblings squandered your dad’s money and stressed him out so much the last 10 years.

He did not have that much to go through. He had been downsizing for awhile. The flipside is that they got to keep anything of value by sorting through it. They had already gone through their mother’s things before this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A graveside service is a funeral.

People often have some sort of short term insanity surrounding a close relative’s death, and money is at the heart of all their complaints. You seem to be suffering from this common ailment. Wishing you peace.

Does this mean that I should forget about the photos? Is it crazy to wonder why they did not follow through with sending them?

You seem to have no idea how much work is involved in dealing with a relative's passing. Not just making the funeral arrangements, but winding down their financial affairs, dealing with their stuff, sorting through papers, paying final bills, closing accounts. It's a huge job, even when the financial estate is small. I would probably send photos if I found them, but if I were a step-child that was left with this job, I wouldn't be super inclined to hop to do things on your schedule. Particularly if you didn't even bother to show up for his "graveside service."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that you are going through this, OP.

You sound like a good person. You visited your father, and had him visit you. You helped him out financially when he needed it.

Attending the funeral service is less important than the time you spent together when he was alive.

I think it’s fine to reach out politely and inquire about the things they agreed they would send to you. If you still do not receive them, maybe find a way to let that go, or ask them to set the things aside and hopefully you can come and get them at some point. It seems that the hospice nurse sensed something was odd about the way and speed they handled things, and took the initiative to let you know, which was kind of her.

I’m very sorry for your loss, and yes, I think some posters here are not reading carefully and/or are being judgmental.

.

Thank you, that is good advice!

Op, I’m sorry for your loss. Step family dynamics are really hard. I’m sorry you weren’t able to take the photos when you saw your dad. The reality is your step siblings may not know what you think is important. As a pp said, they also may want some acknowledgement that they took care of your father. I know that I have not given that to my former step family but I’m not able to do that yet for reasons that have nothing to do with money (they did something at the funeral I can’t get over). Try to continue to reach out but realize the memorabilia may be lost but at least you have your memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A graveside service is a funeral.

People often have some sort of short term insanity surrounding a close relative’s death, and money is at the heart of all their complaints. You seem to be suffering from this common ailment. Wishing you peace.

Does this mean that I should forget about the photos? Is it crazy to wonder why they did not follow through with sending them?

You seem to have no idea how much work is involved in dealing with a relative's passing. Not just making the funeral arrangements, but winding down their financial affairs, dealing with their stuff, sorting through papers, paying final bills, closing accounts. It's a huge job, even when the financial estate is small. I would probably send photos if I found them, but if I were a step-child that was left with this job, I wouldn't be super inclined to hop to do things on your schedule. Particularly if you didn't even bother to show up for his "graveside service."

They took him to close his bank accounts before he went into hospice. He supposedly paid his last credit card bill himself. He did not want a service. He signed over his car to help with his final costs. They did have to sell it. He did not want, any of his own family, all from out of state, to have to travel there, twice, in a short amount of time. His siblings also visited him before he passed away. They decided on a plan, with a graveside service, before I even knew he had passed, on the same day. They were the only ones there. I helped pay for it even though it was not something he had wanted. It has been a few months. I didn’t think they would send anything right away. He was a very neat and organized person who had already done a lot of downsizing. It would not have taken long for them to go through his stuff. He did not want to burden anyone including us with a service. They had said they would send photos and video at the gravesite to my aunt via phone or email and they did not do that either. It would have only taken a few minutes do to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You didn't go to the funeral but want photos. No.

You didn't even help organise the service. They owe you nothing. If it meant anything to you you would have travelled for the service.

.

My dad did not want a service. He did not want his siblings or me to have to make two cross county trips in a short amount of time. His siblings also visited him before he passed away. The stepfamily decided to give him a small graveside service for just them. I helped pay for it. They don’t owe me anything but they are the reason my dad was in such a precarious financial position. We helped my dad many times because of this. They said they would send photos of the gravesite to my aunt via email or phone but they did not send them to her either. Is it wrong to ask them to follow through on this?

They were his caretakers. Do you have any idea what is involved with that as you clearly don't. You are demanding and annoying. You could have gone to the graveside service. You could have cared for him his last few weeks or even the last few years and choose not to. But, its easier to complain.

They were not his caretakers. He was very independent until the last few weeks. He even declined a home aide. He was still driving to the store when his hospice nurse first visited him. He declined quickly in a few weeks. The hospice nurse had to really convince him to go to hospice when he started to fall and refused a home aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You didn't go to the funeral but want photos. No.

You didn't even help organise the service. They owe you nothing. If it meant anything to you you would have travelled for the service.

.

My dad did not want a service. He did not want his siblings or me to have to make two cross county trips in a short amount of time. His siblings also visited him before he passed away. The stepfamily decided to give him a small graveside service for just them. I helped pay for it. They don’t owe me anything but they are the reason my dad was in such a precarious financial position. We helped my dad many times because of this. They said they would send photos of the gravesite to my aunt via email or phone but they did not send them to her either. Is it wrong to ask them to follow through on this?

They were his caretakers. Do you have any idea what is involved with that as you clearly don't. You are demanding and annoying. You could have gone to the graveside service. You could have cared for him his last few weeks or even the last few years and choose not to. But, its easier to complain.

Also, if you read the whole thread, we were helping him by sending checks. We offered to move him near us or to have him stay with us but he did not want to move. He loved hot weather and did not need daily care from anyone. He wanted to stay in a warm climate just like many seniors who relocate away from their families.

They were not his caretakers. He was very independent until the last few weeks. He even declined a home aide. He was still driving to the store when his hospice nurse first visited him. He declined quickly in a few weeks. The hospice nurse had to really convince him to go to hospice when he started to fall and refused a home aide.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have parents who have relocated to a warmer climate in a place like Arizona or Florida? Some older people want to be independent as long as possible. My dad only asked us for help paying bills. We helped with that. He refused home aides. He was still driving himself to the store when the hospice nurse first visited him. He was very independent until the last few weeks. We, his siblings and I, tried to help convince him to accept a home aide when we were there. His hospice nurse somehow convinced him to go hospice, a week before he passed away, because he started falling and refused a health or home aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that you are going through this, OP.

You sound like a good person. You visited your father, and had him visit you. You helped him out financially when he needed it.

Attending the funeral service is less important than the time you spent together when he was alive.

I think it’s fine to reach out politely and inquire about the things they agreed they would send to you. If you still do not receive them, maybe find a way to let that go, or ask them to set the things aside and hopefully you can come and get them at some point. It seems that the hospice nurse sensed something was odd about the way and speed they handled things, and took the initiative to let you know, which was kind of her.

I’m very sorry for your loss, and yes, I think some posters here are not reading carefully and/or are being judgmental.

.

Thank you, that is good advice!

Op, I’m sorry for your loss. Step family dynamics are really hard. I’m sorry you weren’t able to take the photos when you saw your dad. The reality is your step siblings may not know what you think is important. As a pp said, they also may want some acknowledgement that they took care of your father. I know that I have not given that to my former step family but I’m not able to do that yet for reasons that have nothing to do with money (they did something at the funeral I can’t get over). Try to continue to reach out but realize the memorabilia may be lost but at least you have your memories.

His siblings and I did thank them for helping him when we were there. He really was very independent until his last few weeks. The hospice nurse was surprised that he was still driving when she first met him.The stepfamily also tried with no luck to convince him to have a home/health aide. They helped him to close out his bank account, before he went to hospice, and helped him send out his last bills.

My Aunt and I sent cards to thank them after he had passed away. I also sent them a check. We heard, from them, that the small service was nice and they would send e-photos from it but they never did and we don’t know why. We do have good memories. My aunt and I had talked of having a gathering to honor him, here, after quarantine.

[Anonymous]

Your post makes absolutely no sense.