Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

[/quote]

I've been cheated on.  I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring.  It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy.  Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in.  I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too.  And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other.   And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this.  It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life.  Many other painful things in life are worse than this.[/quote]

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.[/quote]

I thought the same.  There is so much dysfunction in that post and it reeks with denial and lack of self respect.[/quote]

It's fake strength ... somebody who says they are strong because the abuse does not hurt them, they deeply want people to think they are in complete control and other people's actions don't affect them because they are so strong. It's sad. Strength is saying no more not taking abuse. [/quote]

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