Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Plus one to this. I almost feel jealous of the people on here who see black and white. It must be easy to live to pure, I was once like that too.

Why not? Too cheap to pay attorneys' fees, child support, alimony? Trying to "do what's best for the kids" by being selfish and lying to their other parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Yup. I was cheated on several times and it was the worst, most devastating thing ever to me.

Then one time years later I cheated and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Understanding it from the other side washed away so much hurt that I still carried from my partner's past cheating.

[Anonymous]

I think about my dad, who had at least 2 affairs (The second is my stepmom, has lasted longer than my parents marriage).

In his case, my mom was mentally ill, at a certain point, and I think he did so so much to try to get her better, but she blamed him/us/family on her disappointments. she had a terrible chiildhood with a toxic mother, who died when I was born, and something fell apart in my mom. My dad was the son of an alcoholic mom and a father who died when he was a teen so he had a complex about needy women--both drawn and repulsed.

anyway, I believe he had the affairs because they kept him sane in a relationship with my mother. He didn't leave her because in the 1970s, with her as a SAHM (even though she didn't do much, given her depression he finally hired a live in housekeeper to help out) she would get custody and that would be bad for us since she was emotinally/mentally unstable.

ultimately she found out about the second one when I was a young teen, kicked my father out and had a nervous breakdown. I became the parent to her, and she would rant and scream for hours about him, I'd come home from school to find her crying, or up all night yelling and talking about him but all the other injustices of her life. It was deeply scarring.

None of this really absolves my dad, who is basically a selfish person and once my mom kicked him out he moved straight in with stepmom who was horrible to us. I dont blame him for the affairs, but I cannot believe he would stay with someone who was so cruel to his own children. That's what really hit me after I had kids.


----

anyway, in my yougner adult years I had no idea how to deal with conflict, and in one or two boyfriend situations that were (surprise surprise) not that healthy I started dating/looking around at other men. I felt that i couldn't "leave" these boyfriends who were all messed up and "needed me" but I also resented them and their emotional impositions, and justified looking elsewhere because I knew I deserved better and at the same time felt like I desesrved worse.

fortunately I did a lot of therapy and got past this as an adult and am in a marriage where I just can't see cheating. I mean, we are committed to staying together and are honest about ourproblems, IF they got really bad, we would separate but I also just dont put myself in any position of temptation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Yup. I was cheated on several times and it was the worst, most devastating thing ever to me.

Then one time years later I cheated and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Understanding it from the other side washed away so much hurt that I still carried from my partner's past cheating.

I am curious what made you go ahead and cheat after having been cheated on. Was it revenge cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Here's what this says: "Me! Me me me me me! ME!"

Wonder why his wife doesn't find him appealing... he's clearly a selfless giver! I'm shocked!

/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Initiating a divorce is really not hard. I've done it. Excuses.

[Anonymous]

The majority are broken people. They have unresolved childhood issues and/or mental issues. Narcissism and lack of self esteem are big in married people that cheat. So is substance abuse/alcoholism. Some claim it’s just about sex. It never is just about sex no matter how much they cling to that. It destroys children and often they turn out the same broken people.

[Anonymous]

Jennifer Garner, Melania, Jennifer Aniston, yes they were all completely horrible people, awful and ugly and their spouses were justified in cheating because they were so boring.

Hmmm...Ben: addiction issues/alcoholic/druggie, Trump- Real f@ckin narcissist; Brad dumb, pot smoker that married a manipulative women with a troubled childhood/mental health/issues/multiple affairs w/ married or engaged men- not to mention incest/making out with her brother.

These are just a few examples of how this usually is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The majority are broken people. They have unresolved childhood issues and/or mental issues. Narcissism and lack of self esteem are big in married people that cheat. So is substance abuse/alcoholism. Some claim it’s just about sex. It never is just about sex no matter how much they cling to that. It destroys children and often they turn out the same broken people.

If there is one thing I learned as madly in love as I was when I married my husband, I should have given a lot more weight to how messed up his family was—especially his dad. 26 years later he is the spitting image of his dad in behavior— something he and I at 26/27 would have sworn would NEVER be the case.

I should have married somebody like my own dad instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The majority are broken people. They have unresolved childhood issues and/or mental issues. Narcissism and lack of self esteem are big in married people that cheat. So is substance abuse/alcoholism. Some claim it’s just about sex. It never is just about sex no matter how much they cling to that. It destroys children and often they turn out the same broken people.

If there is one thing I learned as madly in love as I was when I married my husband, I should have given a lot more weight to how messed up his family was—especially his dad. 26 years later he is the spitting image of his dad in behavior— something he and I at 26/27 would have sworn would NEVER be the case.

I should have married somebody like my own dad instead.

Oh and now I worry about some of the genetic mental health issues (alcoholism, narcissism) in my boys who are young teens and so sweet and thoughtful right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Plus one to this. I almost feel jealous of the people on here who see black and white. It must be easy to live to pure, I was once like that too.

Why not? Too cheap to pay attorneys' fees, child support, alimony? Trying to "do what's best for the kids" by being selfish and lying to their other parent?

Yes, in choosing to prioritize my kids home vs. the potential of hurting my spouse if I get caught, when said spouse has zero desire for intimacy, it's not a close call. If you are intimate and have a good sexual relationship with yours, why do you protest so much?

[Anonymous]

Even those having a good sexual relationship can be married to people that cheat.

We had sex 3-4 times per week 26 years into marriage, if not more.

He had many issues. And I was horrified to find the health risk I was exposed to when I finally found out I was not in a monogamous relationship.

If you have sex with your spouse even once while having sex outside of your marriage, you are putting their health in danger.

[Anonymous]

Not married, but I had broken up with two cheating boyfriends. The way I see it is cheating, physically or mentally, is essentially selfish and narcissistic, or more correctly is about power imbalance, it takes away choices from the partner. Whatever reasons you gave me, it's just excuse to make yourself feel in control. Taking away my freedom to make informed life decision, whether to leave you, or to consider polyamorous relationships, is what makes it unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.


Yup. I was cheated on several times and it was the worst, most devastating thing ever to me.

Then one time years later I cheated and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Understanding it from the other side washed away so much hurt that I still carried from my partner's past cheating.

I can’t believe anyone who has been in a monogamous relationship and was cheated on would ever choose to inflict that pain on their partner and the family of their AP. There is nothing to excuse it, and rationalizing it just shows you are all about yourself. Massive character defect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.


Yup. I was cheated on several times and it was the worst, most devastating thing ever to me.

Then one time years later I cheated and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Understanding it from the other side washed away so much hurt that I still carried from my partner's past cheating.

I can’t believe anyone who has been in a monogamous relationship and was cheated on would ever choose to inflict that pain on their partner and the family of their AP. There is nothing to excuse it, and rationalizing it just shows you are all about yourself. Massive character defect.

I know, right? I couldn’t even consider a “revenge f@ck” with a single person while still married to a cheater.

I take marriage vows seriously even if my spouse doesn’t. I was never the girl screwing other people’s boyfriends in college either. There are so many people that knowingly seek out people in relationships for some kind of sick ego boost. Both people in that situation are screwed up in the head.