Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

And her dad? Are his needs not important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

This. Let her be with her Dad. Stop forcing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I have elementary aged school kids.

By moving forward, I mean, I’d like to be able to be there for dinner and not have her hide, I’d like to share certain holidays together, I’d like to participate in some of their family activities without her declining—as we move forward to marriage. Last summer, I often spent time at their community pool where she lifeguarded and she would flip out. It’s hard to back off because I don’t know what that looks like in situations like the pool. Do I just not go? That’s not a relationship I want to be in when all remaining kids seem ok but I do want to be understanding and do the right thing. We are all torn on how to approach this.

I’d like
I’d like
I’d like
This is not about you. What you want and what she wants are not the same. She does not want to have a relationship with you, no matter how nice you think you are.

The right thing is to respect the fact that she does not want to have a relationship with you.

Continue to see the Dad at times when he does not have custody. Or, if you’re looking to create a relationship where you spend family time with your partner’s family, move along and find someone else.

Date Dad when he does not have custody. Date other men. The daughter does not want a relationship with you. Back off. Let her hang out in the family kitchen and family room without you there.

[Anonymous]

Why are you at Dad's family dinners? Let DAd have his kids to himself. They don't want you there. Dad can take you out on dates.

Or meet other men to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

The reality is it is not about you. Just because you are lonely and want to hang out at Dad's house does not make it the appropriate thing to do. Let the daughter have her space with her Dad.

Dad should be taking you out solo on dates or conversely if you are that lonely you need to be dating other men non exclusively. BAck way off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember what I used to say to myself when I had toddlers. It's a phase. It will pass. Give her time. No pressure, just be nice and don't react to her being cold. Things will get better.

I agree.

She’s being silly and unreasonable, as some adolescents are wont to do. Be very courteous, but there is no need to change your plans.

It's not silly and unreasonable to dislike, and not want to be around, a divorced parent's new partner. Normal and natural.

If you get divorced, you just have to accept "your future partner's kids will resent you" as a cost of doing business.

I think girls are harder than boys in this scenario most of the time.

Probably girls resent their dad's girlfriend, but boys hate, hate, hate their mom's boyfriend. It is much harder to be a dad dealing with stepsons than to be a mom dealing with stepdaughters.

+1 Just because the daughter doesn't like dad's new girlfriend doesn't make her immature. Children are people too. They are allowed their feelings. When adults don't like someone or care to engage they aren't considered immature. I get that in real life people divorce and move on, but those people also have to accept that their children't won't always be down for the ride. You can give it time, OP, but honestly, I don't think there's one magic blue pill that's going to make her warm up to you.

[Anonymous]

+1 to the hostess/wife idea. Your sporadic presence creates role ambiguity for her and distresses her, she doesn't know how to behave so she flees.

It seems like she's vigorously defending her boundaries because she knows they won't be respected. Talking with her mother seems really boundary-crossing, even if you did it with good intent. The pool thing too. Now her friends are seeing her father date, and that is gross and embarrassing for any teen. If she lets down her hostility, you will just push for more contact and intrude more into her home and her time with her dad. Eventually with your children, who are annoying to teens like all younger children are, and she will be expected to play fake happy family and help care for them. She can see where this is going, and she doesn't like it-- why would she? You're just another random woman to her and dating her dad doean't automatically make her like you. Children get to not like people, just like adults do. "Operate as a family" = you are always around, with your kids, sucking up dad's time and attention and making them all do things age-appropriate for little kids instead of what teens want. Overriding their traditions, imposing your preferences, lots and lots of compromise, it sucks. Why would any teen want that?

Consider that what you are seeing may be the tip of the iceberg. Why does the mom only have 30% custody? That is a red flag to me. Or maybe the daughter has a more serious mental health issue, depression can often manifest as hostility. Or maybe the daughter knows something you don't (like that her dad is a cheater) and she doesn't want to tell you but she can't cope with holding it in. And don't be so quick to assume his other children actually like you, even if he says they do. Divorced parents are often in denial about that. Your presence creates a lot of drama for everyone, and it probably makes the boys like you less, even if they tell their father what he wants to hear or are polite to you because it is less hassle.

Bottom line, stop thinking you can have the family you want or are entitled to pressure other people until you get it. You wouldn't like being treated this way. She doesn't have the family she wanted, and she never will, so why should anyone else? If you want things to be simple, don't date men with kids.

[Anonymous]

My mom remarried when I was that age, and I didn't want anything to do with my stepdad. I didn't hate him, but I had my own life and didn't really want or need another parent around. Plus, my mom always put her boyfriends first, so there was probably some underlying resentment- it maybe sounds like you expect your bf to put you first, and with kids, that won't happen. The kids always come first.

It could be worse. My sister is in her 30s and when she found out my dad was getting married, she worked with my dad's girlfriend's ex husband to try to get her kids taken away, solely out of spite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 to the hostess/wife idea. Your sporadic presence creates role ambiguity for her and distresses her, she doesn't know how to behave so she flees.

It seems like she's vigorously defending her boundaries because she knows they won't be respected. Talking with her mother seems really boundary-crossing, even if you did it with good intent. The pool thing too. Now her friends are seeing her father date, and that is gross and embarrassing for any teen. If she lets down her hostility, you will just push for more contact and intrude more into her home and her time with her dad. Eventually with your children, who are annoying to teens like all younger children are, and she will be expected to play fake happy family and help care for them. She can see where this is going, and she doesn't like it-- why would she? You're just another random woman to her and dating her dad doean't automatically make her like you. Children get to not like people, just like adults do. "Operate as a family" = you are always around, with your kids, sucking up dad's time and attention and making them all do things age-appropriate for little kids instead of what teens want. Overriding their traditions, imposing your preferences, lots and lots of compromise, it sucks. Why would any teen want that?

Consider that what you are seeing may be the tip of the iceberg. Why does the mom only have 30% custody? That is a red flag to me. Or maybe the daughter has a more serious mental health issue, depression can often manifest as hostility. Or maybe the daughter knows something you don't (like that her dad is a cheater) and she doesn't want to tell you but she can't cope with holding it in. And don't be so quick to assume his other children actually like you, even if he says they do. Divorced parents are often in denial about that. Your presence creates a lot of drama for everyone, and it probably makes the boys like you less, even if they tell their father what he wants to hear or are polite to you because it is less hassle.

Bottom line, stop thinking you can have the family you want or are entitled to pressure other people until you get it. You wouldn't like being treated this way. She doesn't have the family she wanted, and she never will, so why should anyone else? If you want things to be simple, don't date men with kids.

Op here. Her mom reached out to me. She knew her ex (my bf) and I were getting serious and that we would run into each other and wanted to meet. She also explicitly wanted to apologize for her daughters behavior.

Here is what sucks. What’s the point in waiting all this time to introduce the kids if then you have to break up because one of them doesn’t like it??? Also as an aside, she sometimes does fine with me. She came to my house twice with her dad to “hang out” and we had a grand old time. But then the next time I saw her was like that never happened. Is it because lots of time lapses in between my visits???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

Your needs are in no way relevant or important for her. They never will be. She doesn't want to be in your family, doesn't like you, and it probably won't change. Who cares if she has a good reason or not. Cut and run. Divorce sucks for kids. She deserved an intact family and will have to live life without it, and it wasn't her fault.

+1. She DGAF about your "needs", and she doesn't have to. Because she isn't dating you. She didn't choose you. And trying to play "rules of etiquette" like you're a visiting neighbor is completely inappropriate and tone-deaf. You're not just any social acquaintance who requires superficial courtesy and no more. You're someone who intends to spent a lot of time in her home, override her preferences, demand to be compromised with, foist little kids into her family, intrude on her time with her father, and generally cause a lot of change and upheaval. So don't expect to be treated like you've come over just to chat. There's a lot more at stake here and focusing on her "rudeness" is a way for you to avoid thinking about what you're really doing to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to the hostess/wife idea. Your sporadic presence creates role ambiguity for her and distresses her, she doesn't know how to behave so she flees.

It seems like she's vigorously defending her boundaries because she knows they won't be respected. Talking with her mother seems really boundary-crossing, even if you did it with good intent. The pool thing too. Now her friends are seeing her father date, and that is gross and embarrassing for any teen. If she lets down her hostility, you will just push for more contact and intrude more into her home and her time with her dad. Eventually with your children, who are annoying to teens like all younger children are, and she will be expected to play fake happy family and help care for them. She can see where this is going, and she doesn't like it-- why would she? You're just another random woman to her and dating her dad doean't automatically make her like you. Children get to not like people, just like adults do. "Operate as a family" = you are always around, with your kids, sucking up dad's time and attention and making them all do things age-appropriate for little kids instead of what teens want. Overriding their traditions, imposing your preferences, lots and lots of compromise, it sucks. Why would any teen want that?

Consider that what you are seeing may be the tip of the iceberg. Why does the mom only have 30% custody? That is a red flag to me. Or maybe the daughter has a more serious mental health issue, depression can often manifest as hostility. Or maybe the daughter knows something you don't (like that her dad is a cheater) and she doesn't want to tell you but she can't cope with holding it in. And don't be so quick to assume his other children actually like you, even if he says they do. Divorced parents are often in denial about that. Your presence creates a lot of drama for everyone, and it probably makes the boys like you less, even if they tell their father what he wants to hear or are polite to you because it is less hassle.

Bottom line, stop thinking you can have the family you want or are entitled to pressure other people until you get it. You wouldn't like being treated this way. She doesn't have the family she wanted, and she never will, so why should anyone else? If you want things to be simple, don't date men with kids.

Op here. Her mom reached out to me. She knew her ex (my bf) and I were getting serious and that we would run into each other and wanted to meet. She also explicitly wanted to apologize for her daughters behavior.

Here is what sucks. What’s the point in waiting all this time to introduce the kids if then you have to break up because one of them doesn’t like it??? Also as an aside, she sometimes does fine with me. She came to my house twice with her dad to “hang out” and we had a grand old time. But then the next time I saw her was like that never happened. Is it because lots of time lapses in between my visits???

Ok, so her mom is also violating her boundaries, and you're going along with it. She has no adult in her life who respects her boundaries, including you. They're all trying to pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do. Great.

Stop focusing on the "rudeness". You'd hate it if someone treated you the way you're treating her. Try to think about what it would actually take for this child to feel HEARD and RESPECTED by the adults in her life. It doesn't mean you have to give her whatever she wants or that she gets to make adult decisions, but this isn't about rules of etiquette. You need to dig a lot deeper and acknowledge that your presence in his life means a lot of negative changes for her. She may not come to appreciate you until you nurse him through a major health crisis or something.

Teens can be moody. A lot of second relationships fail because the woman has little kids and doesn't understand parenting teens. Or maybe you did something in between that angered her. Or maybe she was bribed to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to the hostess/wife idea. Your sporadic presence creates role ambiguity for her and distresses her, she doesn't know how to behave so she flees.

It seems like she's vigorously defending her boundaries because she knows they won't be respected. Talking with her mother seems really boundary-crossing, even if you did it with good intent. The pool thing too. Now her friends are seeing her father date, and that is gross and embarrassing for any teen. If she lets down her hostility, you will just push for more contact and intrude more into her home and her time with her dad. Eventually with your children, who are annoying to teens like all younger children are, and she will be expected to play fake happy family and help care for them. She can see where this is going, and she doesn't like it-- why would she? You're just another random woman to her and dating her dad doean't automatically make her like you. Children get to not like people, just like adults do. "Operate as a family" = you are always around, with your kids, sucking up dad's time and attention and making them all do things age-appropriate for little kids instead of what teens want. Overriding their traditions, imposing your preferences, lots and lots of compromise, it sucks. Why would any teen want that?

Consider that what you are seeing may be the tip of the iceberg. Why does the mom only have 30% custody? That is a red flag to me. Or maybe the daughter has a more serious mental health issue, depression can often manifest as hostility. Or maybe the daughter knows something you don't (like that her dad is a cheater) and she doesn't want to tell you but she can't cope with holding it in. And don't be so quick to assume his other children actually like you, even if he says they do. Divorced parents are often in denial about that. Your presence creates a lot of drama for everyone, and it probably makes the boys like you less, even if they tell their father what he wants to hear or are polite to you because it is less hassle.

Bottom line, stop thinking you can have the family you want or are entitled to pressure other people until you get it. You wouldn't like being treated this way. She doesn't have the family she wanted, and she never will, so why should anyone else? If you want things to be simple, don't date men with kids.

Op here. Her mom reached out to me. She knew her ex (my bf) and I were getting serious and that we would run into each other and wanted to meet. She also explicitly wanted to apologize for her daughters behavior.

Here is what sucks. What’s the point in waiting all this time to introduce the kids if then you have to break up because one of them doesn’t like it??? Also as an aside, she sometimes does fine with me. She came to my house twice with her dad to “hang out” and we had a grand old time. But then the next time I saw her was like that never happened. Is it because lots of time lapses in between my visits???

It was because it wasn't on her turf and she didn't feel the hostess-wife role ambiguity. She was being more polite because she was a guest in your home, invited VOLUNTARILY by you, rather than being intruded on by you in her home against her wishes.

[Anonymous]

OP

One of my friends went through the same thing. Except the daughtr was 19 and lived full time with her dad(lived at home during college)

The thing that finally worked was my friend having a one-on-one talk with the 19 year old. She reassured the 19 year old that she was not replacing anyone in the 19 year old's life. And she could never compete with the 19 year old for her father's love.

The 19 year old expressed that her father was supposed to seek her input before getting seriously involved. While all the adults disagreed with this, it was great to figure out where some of the resentment was coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

One of my friends went through the same thing. Except the daughtr was 19 and lived full time with her dad(lived at home during college)

The thing that finally worked was my friend having a one-on-one talk with the 19 year old. She reassured the 19 year old that she was not replacing anyone in the 19 year old's life. And she could never compete with the 19 year old for her father's love.

The 19 year old expressed that her father was supposed to seek her input before getting seriously involved. While all the adults disagreed with this, it was great to figure out where some of the resentment was coming from.

Sorry, The above is not OP. It is directed at OP.