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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm a divorced dad with two teenage daughters. I recently broke up with a longish term partner (nearly a year versus four) because of similar dynamics that you describe. Everyone is different, but let me give you my perspective and my reaction to the things you have written.

My first reaction is the daughter's feelings and reactions are normal and are to be respected. The first thing I told my now-ex GF was that my kids come first and if I was ever put in a position where I had to choose between them and a relationship with her, she would lose. I don't think she liked that very much, but I wanted to be very clear about my position. This doesn't mean I'd give up at first blush, but my kids are still reeling a little from the divorce and above all need stability. My promise to myself (and to them) is no woman would EVERY live in my house so long as they were living there (and maybe not even after they go to college -- I don't wish to share space again with a woman for a long, long time)

The biggest thing I take away from your post is it's all about what YOU want. YOU want to "move forward" and have defined that as spending a tremendous amount of time with the boyfriend, including in his space and being a part of his family celebrations, traditions, etc.  No where did you describe this desire as mutual.

When my now-ex GF and I got together, she said she defined a relationship as seeing each other a couple of times a week. That seemed like a good amount of frequency to me, as I'm a pretty independent person and I like my alone time, especially now that I'm no longer married.

Very quickly, however, it became clear that what the way she actually defined a "relationship" was basically daily in-person contact. She also expected to have an ongoing texting exchange during the day, starting with one first thing in the morning, when she didn't spend the night.  And, even when she did NOT see me on a day, usually because I told her I needed some time alone with my kids, she made it clear this was an EXCEPTION and acted like she was going out of her way to give me "space." In her mind, the default was constant togetherness. This is just how she defines a "relationship."

At first my kids liked her well enough. But over time, she started needing (and expecting) more and more things from me. Mostly this was in the form of emotional support as she lurched from crisis to crisis (none of which were her fault, but were stressful anyway). And then financial needs started to creep in. I found myself reluctantly crossing one financial line about a month before breaking up in making a big needed purchase for her because it was an emergency (I had promised myself I wouldn't assist financially). And then, suddenly, she started couch-surfing at a friend's (because she didn't want to be in her place, which was farther out). And then basically she announced she was going to stay at my place for a weekend … that turned into a week.

In the meantime, my daughter, who also floats between my ex-wife's and my place, was back at my house early since my ex-wife and other daughter were ill. But, she was also AVOIDING my house to stay at friends. Finally she told me it was out of discomfort because she felt like the girlfriend was effectively living in my house and making increasing demands on my time. She felt like she couldn't just hang with me when the GF was there and also she felt like the GF was basically becoming a freeloader since I did all the cooking, etc. while she basically sat on a couch and stared at her phone.  And there was this surreal moment where I found myself one night making dinner for myself, the GF, and the GF's daughter, who is a nice kid but was basically starting to squat in my house with her mom, while my OWN CHILD was avoiding the house. It was messed up.

So, I realized that moment of having to choose between the daughter and the GF had come. Throughout the relationship, I had tried to set some boundaries with the GF from time to time but I was also trying to keep everyone happy -- the kids, the GF, etc. This is, unfortunately, a tendency I have -- it's why I stayed in a bad marriage as long as I did, and it's something I am working on with my therapist.

But push had come to shove. And I realized that 1) Daughter wasn't comfortable in her own home and it didn't matter whether or not that was a valid feeling, she has a right to feel comfortable in her own home. (2) GF wasn't respecting (1) because GF wanted to "move forward" ---- it was becoming clear she wanted to be taken care of, and I've already got enough people to take care of, including an ex-wife who receives considerable alimony, etc.  And when I basically told her this, her response was to attack my daughter as selfish and criticize the way my ex and I handle custody. So, that led to conclusion (3) I didn't want to "move forward." I wanted the original deal -- see each other a couple of times a week but have our own lives, but not try to get all domestic.

So, I broke up with her. I sent her and her daughter home the next day and apologized to my daughter, who then came home and has been home ever since.

So, I ask you, OP -- what does your BOYFRIEND want? Like REALLY want? Does he also want to "move forward?" Or is he trying to keep everyone happy?
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