If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do it maybe twice a month. Our marriage is actually great right now, despite some really rough patches over the course of a decade. He's gained 100 pounds since we met unfortunately and while 30 pounds ago it didn't bother me much, now I really struggle to maintain a sexual attraction to him.

jfc, he should lose the weight. repulsive sounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do it maybe twice a month. Our marriage is actually great right now, despite some really rough patches over the course of a decade. He's gained 100 pounds since we met unfortunately and while 30 pounds ago it didn't bother me much, now I really struggle to maintain a sexual attraction to him.

That's a whole other PERSON he's gained! Is there an underlying health issue? I know we all age and get lumpier and wrinklier, but 100 LBS?!

[Anonymous]

Our marriage was great. Great sex 4-5 times a week was a big part. 4 wonderful kids. We are now in our early 50s and dh got prostate cancer. It has been treated, but he doesn’t ever want to have sex. It is a big deal. I don’t think I can go on like this. He says he just doesn’t feel like it. Yes, he has seen many doctors. No solution, but to leave.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I haven't had sex in six years. Once we had our kid that was it. She forgot about me and only cares about our kid. Then she complains about how our marriage is horrible...I wonder why! Sadly, we talked about this years ago and I told her our marriage was going to be horrible if she kept only focusing on our child.

Didn't listen. Now, she's unhappy and can't find it in her to look in the mirror to realize she's unhappy because of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage was great. Great sex 4-5 times a week was a big part. 4 wonderful kids. We are now in our early 50s and dh got prostate cancer. It has been treated, but he doesn’t ever want to have sex. It is a big deal. I don’t think I can go on like this. He says he just doesn’t feel like it. Yes, he has seen many doctors. No solution, but to leave.

Similar story over here and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave, but it makes me desperately sad to think of my sex life being over at age 47.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage was great. Great sex 4-5 times a week was a big part. 4 wonderful kids. We are now in our early 50s and dh got prostate cancer. It has been treated, but he doesn’t ever want to have sex. It is a big deal. I don’t think I can go on like this. He says he just doesn’t feel like it. Yes, he has seen many doctors. No solution, but to leave.

As a woman, I think this is horrible. H poo w can you l wave s someone that y o u h ave 4 kids with and has had prostrate cancer? I would say this to a man who would do this to his wife as well.

[Anonymous]

Together 24 years. Nine years without sex. Left when youngest reached 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I'm not even married understand that somehow he needs it, so I just lay there.
I have no idea how his needs take priority.

Because patriarchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how a lot of post-menopausal women feel. I love my husband, and sex is no longer a need or a want for me, no matter how much I enjoyed and was enthusiastic about it for most of our marriage (30+ years). It means a lot to him, so we have sex...but this idea he can’t really enjoy it unless I really want it too confounds me. My body and libido are what they are.

Yes, exactly. So having sex is not enough, I have to show enthusiasm and interest that I don’t feel? Because of him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

DH here. I get the lack of desire for sex, but why the deprivation of all physical affection? As the OP wrote: “ She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone. ”

Shouldn’t a DW hate herself for being so standoffish to her DH who loves her? (Assuming that they both want to stay married, and that one spouse hasn’t gone to seed.)

I'll explain why this happens with us. DH has never shown any physical affection except as a prelude to sex. So when he approaches with a kiss or a pat on the behind, I know that reciprocating means that he will expect sex to follow. If I don't want to raise false expectations, I have to be indifferent to the casual physical affection. I wish it were different, because I actually love to hold hands, cuddle, etc. But I learned a long time ago that I can't have that all by itself without being considered a tease.

Same in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'll explain why this happens with us. DH has never shown any physical affection except as a prelude to sex. So when he approaches with a kiss or a pat on the behind, I know that reciprocating means that he will expect sex to follow. If I don't want to raise false expectations, I have to be indifferent to the casual physical affection. I wish it were different, because I actually love to hold hands, cuddle, etc. But I learned a long time ago that I can't have that all by itself without being considered a tease.

OP back again. This is a good insight and pretty helpful to hear. It’s not really the case that I’m only physically affectionate when I want sex, or that I take any affection on her part as a cue for sex...but now that you mention it, I think SHE thinks that’s the way I think, and shies away as a result. That’s pretty straightforward to clear up (I hope), but that’s the easy part of the conversation. I often like to feel physically close without needing or expecting sex. The part of the conversation about, you know...actually having sex...will be harder.

If your wife thinks that your affection is always a prelude to asking for sex, then you need to re-examine your own behavior. My husband would say the same thing that you say here, that he likes physical affection without needing or expecting sex. His behavior, however, suggests the opposite. He has never once been affectionate without wanting sex to follow, or at least a boob grab. Never.

[Anonymous]

Declare your marriage open is the only way to save it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my marriage. I don't love my husband and sometimes I don't respect him. Rather than cheat, I just don't have that part of me anymore. I don't know why he stays. I am ready to move on, but haven't had the will to discuss it. Actually, he kind of scares me as to how nasty he can be. I would prefer an amicable divorce, just not sure if that could even happen.

He already has a girlfriend so why would he go through the expense of divorcing you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how a lot of post-menopausal women feel. I love my husband, and sex is no longer a need or a want for me, no matter how much I enjoyed and was enthusiastic about it for most of our marriage (30+ years). It means a lot to him, so we have sex...but this idea he can’t really enjoy it unless I really want it too confounds me. My body and libido are what they are.

Similar. My libido is down. I love my husband. He is attractive. I just have no sex drive anymore.
One issue is he tends to make his moves when I am in the middle of chores. It’s not a good time to try and turn me on - not what I have loads of dishes surrounding me, or when I’m in the middle of scrubbing a bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage was great. Great sex 4-5 times a week was a big part. 4 wonderful kids. We are now in our early 50s and dh got prostate cancer. It has been treated, but he doesn’t ever want to have sex. It is a big deal. I don’t think I can go on like this. He says he just doesn’t feel like it. Yes, he has seen many doctors. No solution, but to leave.

Similar story over here and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave, but it makes me desperately sad to think of my sex life being over at age 47.

I'd be glad to be an attentive AP to either of you ladies.