Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

DIL here, watching as my DH takes on a huge burden for his Mom. Siblings are far away and one is emotionally helpful, but the legwork and financial backstop is all falling on him/us.

Why can't you step up and help?

To Prior Prior poster Why do you have to be so nasty against men? Many many men step up to the plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

No one is disputing there are unicorn men out there. But you must agree, disproportionately, women are the primary elder-caregivers, as they are for children.

As a side, I keep thinking I'll make my husband be part of the solution for his parents when the time comes, but I wonder if I really will. Will I be too overwhelmed with my kids, and my parents that I will easily overlook his parents' needs? I hope this comment is still in my mind then.

The comment about men is true BS. Many, many men are the true backbone of care for the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

Sons can stay home and sons can take care of their parents, true. But in most cases, they don’t - the women do. Why is that? If society has changed so that women are now expected to work outside the home, why can’t it change to expect men to share in the duty of taking care of elderly parents the way their wives and sisters do? The burden falls disproportionately on women. Why?

Why the men bashing on this thread? This is not what I see in my day to day life.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me so glad that FIL just died watching TV last weekend—seemed fine with DH on the phone earlier in the day and then BIL came in and found him on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so glad that FIL just died watching TV last weekend—seemed fine with DH on the phone earlier in the day and then BIL came in and found him on the couch.

I've found myself thinking more often than not, dropping dead at 60 in the middle of the field was the better alternative to living until you're 95, needing help for the last 15-20 years of your life.

[Anonymous]

Oh, FFS. Nobody in their right mind can argue that men provide 50 percent of the elder care in this country. It's not even easy to find a PAID male caregiver. Part of the problem is that most of the old people who need ongoing care are women, so other women step in to help them with their toileting, bathing, etc. Women have been doing the bulk of unpaid family labor for generations and that isn't going to change any time soon.

OP, I hear you. I am also caring for my mother in my home until her long term care insurance waiting period ends. I have elementary kids and work fulltime, and my husband (who is a great help under normal circumstances) is deployed. I feel like I am slowly going insane and it's only been a few months. My brother is helpful with financial/legal issues, doctor's appointments and a few other tasks, but the bulk of the daily burden is all on me.

OP, you are completely justified in pulling back/out. We no longer have the support systems in place to make it possible for elderly parents to rely on their children for their end-of-life care. Good luck to you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

DIL here, watching as my DH takes on a huge burden for his Mom. Siblings are far away and one is emotionally helpful, but the legwork and financial backstop is all falling on him/us.

Why can't you step up and help?

Probably shouldn't bother responding, but I'm helping massively - we have no cheap options and I'm doing all the behind-the-scenes legal/financial/planning and paying for all of it to boot. This is a family effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

No one is disputing there are unicorn men out there. But you must agree, disproportionately, women are the primary elder-caregivers, as they are for children.

As a side, I keep thinking I'll make my husband be part of the solution for his parents when the time comes, but I wonder if I really will. Will I be too overwhelmed with my kids, and my parents that I will easily overlook his parents' needs? I hope this comment is still in my mind then.

The comment about men is true BS. Many, many men are the true backbone of care for the elderly.

Where are all of these men, then? I never see them at the hospitals or nursing homes or doctors offices. It’s nearly always women with their parents. Just because you or your DH or other makes you know are good caregivers doesn’t negate the fact that most men are not.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP on this thread, and separately want to note that there are a lot more caregiver support groups sprouting up in various places. My workplace has one, our church has one, and I know many community centers have them too. These issues are hard, hard, hard. And many of us are sandwiched in between aging parents and growing children (some with SN, like mine). If you feel like you're drowning, take some time this week to see if you can find some resources for support for yourself. Don't neglect your own health in the midst of this. Just talking to others in the same boat can really alleviate some stress and suffering for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

No one is disputing there are unicorn men out there. But you must agree, disproportionately, women are the primary elder-caregivers, as they are for children.

As a side, I keep thinking I'll make my husband be part of the solution for his parents when the time comes, but I wonder if I really will. Will I be too overwhelmed with my kids, and my parents that I will easily overlook his parents' needs? I hope this comment is still in my mind then.

The comment about men is true BS. Many, many men are the true backbone of care for the elderly.

Where are all of these men, then? I never see them at the hospitals or nursing homes or doctors offices. It’s nearly always women with their parents. Just because you or your DH or other makes you know are good caregivers doesn’t negate the fact that most men are not.

I know, right? And there's a huge difference between going over to cut the grass and replace the lightbulbs at your mom's house (I know lots of good sons who do this) and helping your dad to the bathroom every two hours or changing his ostomy bag (I know zero sons who do this).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

OP, I will personally b*tch slap anyone who say that to you. Both my parents will not face reality. Thank GOD my sibling moved in with them to help out - I personally help her financially as a thank you. Were it not for her, I would be lost, and I don't have a job, small kids anymore, nor a sick spouse. That would be enough to pull me under, frankly.

I don't know how to solve this for you. I wish I could. What I WILL tell you is NO GUILT! You do NOT owe him full time care - he must pay for it at home or go into assisted living. The fact that he doesn't even see what you are going through tells me he's in no condition to dictate ANYTHING.

NO GUILT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I’m a SAHM who had planned to return to work when my kids were older, but I was blindsided by eldercare responsibilities. I never realized how time-consuming it would be. There’s no way an employer would allow time off to do all of the things I have to do. I know it won’t last forever and I’ll be glad that I made the sacrifice, but I’m furious that my brother does absolutely nothing. He lives a few hours away but rarely calls or visits. Grrrrr!

With my last in college, I thought "It's finally my turn". Nope. When I tell my mother how frustrated I am, her response is "I don't need help".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

My husband took excellent care of his mother. My role as his wife was to give him the space to do so and be kind. You are a good man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my parent's estate finally settled most of my siblings/I were pissed that they had about a million $$$. Both were lucky that they had great pensions/healthcare but and aged in place but this was accomplished by fighting them on paying for each increasing level of care they needed (which became 24/365 at end.) For way too long they relied on us to do doctor appts, personal care, errands. While that sounds simple it was on top of us all working, raising kids, having our own needs. We kept telling them that they'd worked for as long as they did to allow their dream of staying in their own home and it was their reward-not meant for us to inherit. Their legacy is that by the end there was so much acrimony among the 'kids' that few of us keep in touch and a million split 7 ways was not worth this OR seeing them suffer rather than pay for adequate care.

My parents have 100K left. 100K! The rest is in the house they are insisting on staying in, that's blowing through that 100K at an alarming rate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

My husband took excellent care of his mother. My role as his wife was to give him the space to do so and be kind. You are a good man.

My father in law took excellent care of his mother in law. My mother in law was working. My licensed general contractor took excellent care of his mother. (His sister
had limited time.) You are a good man and a good son.