Found out FIL paid off grandson’s student loans/zero help for my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the parable about the prodigal son

I agree with most of what is being said in this thread, but coming from a religious family, I HATE when this one is trotted out to excuse bad behavior. What people often miss is that the prodigal son was eating with swine, truly broken and returned with a contrite spirit to a welcoming father. Without that element of the story, you are just an enabler. Who are you to block people from God's lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Father paid off my sister’s kids college loans. She makes a decent living but choose to have 3 kids. I am a divorced single Mom but a successful one...my kid did not get anything. Guess what? I don’t really care. It’s his money and I’d rather my nieces and nephews get it than my stepmother (the OW).

Is your kid now paying for student loans? If so, maybe your kid cares that your dad put the others first?

No. I paid for his college.

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed too OP. Unfortunately it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Father paid off my sister’s kids college loans. She makes a decent living but choose to have 3 kids. I am a divorced single Mom but a successful one...my kid did not get anything. Guess what? I don’t really care. It’s his money and I’d rather my nieces and nephews get it than my stepmother (the OW).

Is your kid now paying for student loans? If so, maybe your kid cares that your dad put the others first?

No. I paid for his college.

If your kid had put himself through college largely with scholarships, attending a less expensive university, working retail....Would you feel a bit sad for your kid that his cousin had everything handed to them? How do you think your kid would feel to see his grandparent pay his cousin's student loans while he worked his butt off to stay out of debt?

Now imagine that the cousin not only had their student loans paid off by a grandparent but also got kicked out of school and has nothing to show for the grandparent's investment?

That is what Op is dealing with and I feel bad for Op her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Father paid off my sister’s kids college loans. She makes a decent living but choose to have 3 kids. I am a divorced single Mom but a successful one...my kid did not get anything. Guess what? I don’t really care. It’s his money and I’d rather my nieces and nephews get it than my stepmother (the OW).

Is your kid now paying for student loans? If so, maybe your kid cares that your dad put the others first?

No. I paid for his college.

If your kid had put himself through college largely with scholarships, attending a less expensive university, working retail....Would you feel a bit sad for your kid that his cousin had everything handed to them? How do you think your kid would feel to see his grandparent pay his cousin's student loans while he worked his butt off to stay out of debt?

Now imagine that the cousin not only had their student loans paid off by a grandparent but also got kicked out of school and has nothing to show for the grandparent's investment

That is what Op is dealing with and I feel bad for Op her kids.

It’s not her money it’s not her business. Therefore it’s Not Her Problem or her kids problem.

[Anonymous]

You have to make a lot of uncharitable assumptions about this kid, who comes from a bankrupt family, to justify OP’s heartless selfishness. And that’s my point.


+1 Classic case of attribution bias.


Baloney. The kid clearly has no direction and had the opportunity to go to community college while he figured things out. instead, he chose to go to an expensive private school where he proceeded to get himself kicked out after just one semester. Now his grandfather his left to use his retirement money to pay the bill and this kid is NOT WORKING. In fact, this kid is probably out having a good time if the truth were to be told.

In the meantime, Op's kids are busting their tails to get scholarships, work and study hard. They get nothing because they "have it sooo easy". I get why Op finds that hard to swallow although I do agree that this is FIL's money and he can decide how to spend it. Learn from this, Op. If anything, learn what not to do.

Op - I get what you are saying and I am sorry but you have got to count your blessings that your own kids are doing so well.

1. You have no idea why the kid chose the school he did but are attributing the selection was made on cost/selectivity/prestige rather than other, compelling reasons.
2. You have no idea why the kid left after one semester but, without evidence, attribute it to laziness.
3. Again without evidence, you opine the kid is out having a good time now that he has wasted his grandfather's retirement money.

You attribute this kid's choices/actions to poor character. Yet, other posters have offered legitimate and compelling, alternative reasons - mental health issues, physical health issues, challenging family issues noted by OP in a post, etc. At the same time, you attribute all the choices OP and her kids have made to their good character.

Life is rarely so easily explained. In my own family of origin, I'm the successful one. Solid career, solid financial footing, solid marriage, etc. My brothers are not. It's not because my character is better, it's because they lost the genetic jackpot. We had a horrible family of origin yet I was able to overcome it because it happens that I'm more resilient. They also suffer from ADHD, learning disabilities, depression, etc and I don't. It's far, far harder for them to make good choices and, when they do make good choices, it's harder for them to capitalize on them. That's not an excuse but an explanation. The little they have, they've had to work 100x harder than I ever had to. I understand why our mother directs more resources to them. I might 'like' more resources but they 'need' them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Father paid off my sister’s kids college loans. She makes a decent living but choose to have 3 kids. I am a divorced single Mom but a successful one...my kid did not get anything. Guess what? I don’t really care. It’s his money and I’d rather my nieces and nephews get it than my stepmother (the OW).

Is your kid now paying for student loans? If so, maybe your kid cares that your dad put the others first?

No. I paid for his college.

If your kid had put himself through college largely with scholarships, attending a less expensive university, working retail....Would you feel a bit sad for your kid that his cousin had everything handed to them? How do you think your kid would feel to see his grandparent pay his cousin's student loans while he worked his butt off to stay out of debt?

Now imagine that the cousin not only had their student loans paid off by a grandparent but also got kicked out of school and has nothing to show for the grandparent's investment?

That is what Op is dealing with and I feel bad for Op her kids.

Easy to understand the OP feels her family is being slighted, especially if she isn't close enough to the situation to know/understand why her FIL did so. But once the loan is taken out in the grandfather's name, he really had no choice but to pay it back. It's not clear if this was a financial hardship for him or if he is loaded.

But please STOP calling OP names and impugning her character. And for those in a position to be giving/leaving money, please consider the effect on the less favored relatives. It's your money, but do you want it to leave behind children and grandchildren who don't understand why they were treated inequitably?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Father paid off my sister’s kids college loans. She makes a decent living but choose to have 3 kids. I am a divorced single Mom but a successful one...my kid did not get anything. Guess what? I don’t really care. It’s his money and I’d rather my nieces and nephews get it than my stepmother (the OW).

Is your kid now paying for student loans? If so, maybe your kid cares that your dad put the others first?

No. I paid for his college.

If your kid had put himself through college largely with scholarships, attending a less expensive university, working retail....Would you feel a bit sad for your kid that his cousin had everything handed to them? How do you think your kid would feel to see his grandparent pay his cousin's student loans while he worked his butt off to stay out of debt?

Now imagine that the cousin not only had their student loans paid off by a grandparent but also got kicked out of school and has nothing to show for the grandparent's investment?

That is what Op is dealing with and I feel bad for Op her kids.

Easy to understand the OP feels her family is being slighted, especially if she isn't close enough to the situation to know/understand why her FIL did so. But once the loan is taken out in the grandfather's name, he really had no choice but to pay it back. It's not clear if this was a financial hardship for him or if he is loaded.

But please STOP calling OP names and impugning her character. And for those in a position to be giving/leaving money, please consider the effect on the less favored relatives. It's your money, but do you want it to leave behind children and grandchildren who don't understand why they were treated inequitably?

I'm not sure what OP is trying to accomplish by coming on here and complaining. Because that's what's she's doing. Complaining.

She has kids who are successfully going through college. They won merits, they are solid students, they will/are getting degrees and will be prepared for the adult world. They have a cousin who clearly has problems. And OP is complaining that it's unfair. She should count her lucky stars.

If I were OP I'd be very thankful my kids weren't their cousin.

The money is simply not her money or her children's money. She has no business nor claim nor justification to think it is equitably her children's money that is being spent on the wastrel. OP is really not being an adult about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Father paid off my sister’s kids college loans. She makes a decent living but choose to have 3 kids. I am a divorced single Mom but a successful one...my kid did not get anything. Guess what? I don’t really care. It’s his money and I’d rather my nieces and nephews get it than my stepmother (the OW).

Is your kid now paying for student loans? If so, maybe your kid cares that your dad put the others first?

No. I paid for his college.

If your kid had put himself through college largely with scholarships, attending a less expensive university, working retail....Would you feel a bit sad for your kid that his cousin had everything handed to them? How do you think your kid would feel to see his grandparent pay his cousin's student loans while he worked his butt off to stay out of debt?

Now imagine that the cousin not only had their student loans paid off by a grandparent but also got kicked out of school and has nothing to show for the grandparent's investment?

That is what Op is dealing with and I feel bad for Op her kids.

Easy to understand the OP feels her family is being slighted, especially if she isn't close enough to the situation to know/understand why her FIL did so. But once the loan is taken out in the grandfather's name, he really had no choice but to pay it back. It's not clear if this was a financial hardship for him or if he is loaded.

But please STOP calling OP names and impugning her character. And for those in a position to be giving/leaving money, please consider the effect on the less favored relatives. It's your money, but do you want it to leave behind children and grandchildren who don't understand why they were treated inequitably?

Ridiculous.

No where is it written that relatives need to equitably distribute wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op do you understand a co-signer's responsibility?

Yes I do. I forgot to add not only did he pay off the Parent PLUS loan, but also the subsidized student loan that was only in student’s name.

Yes, on one hand that would bother me. On the other hand, I'd be grateful that my kids are presumably not going to be such spendthrifts and will be much more responsible. Be happy that your kids are not like this other kid and try not to waste time being angry about unequal treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why arent you expecting this help from your own parents?

Oh, good one!!! Right on target.

OP, any response to the FP's question? You're full of answers to other questions trying to justify your whining. Wondering why you're not expecting your own parents to pay for your kids when you're feeling oh so slighted by your FIL. I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why arent you expecting this help from your own parents?

Oh, good one!!! Right on target.

OP, any response to the FP's question? You're full of answers to other questions trying to justify your whining. Wondering why you're not expecting your own parents to pay for your kids when you're feeling oh so slighted by your FIL. I don't get it.

OP here. I never expected anyone to pay for my kids’ education. Hence, I scrimped and saved in 529’s from their infancy. I get what you’re all saying about how it’s his money and can do whatever he wants with it. It’s more that the money is yet another sign of favoritism (albeit born out of trying to equalize nephew’s situation when his own parents couldn’t). For example, grandparents took him on trips to museums and vacations when they never did that for my kids. Whenever nephew came over to their house, MIL would stock fridge with his favorite foods and drinks. Take him out to his favorite seafood or steak restaurant. She doesn’t even know what my kids’ favorite foods are. She took my daughter out for lunch once in 5 years to chik fil-a and she knows my daughter is a vegetarian. They will fly or drive to see him or pay for plane tickets to see him. My kids live 1/2 hour drive from them and they only see them on holidays if we bring them by. No attempt to get to know my kids.

I also get what everyone is saying that I should be grateful for my kids’ success. And I am. Our family has a lot of gifts that other families just don’t have. It’s not like my kids don’t have struggles though. Some significant issues actually. I never said nephew is bad/lazy and my kids are angels. It’s not that black and white. I don’t expect equal treatment monetarily, but more emotional investment. I brought up money because it’s quantifiable, but that’s not the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what you should be posting is "No good deed goes unpunished. My FIL was nice enough to co-sign for his grandson, and now he's stuck with the bill and the grandson is an ingrate."

Why do so so so many DCUMers hate their in laws???

I agree..

OP, you sound so jealous.

The word entitled comes to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He paid off thousands of dollars of loans for grandson who dropped out of college after one semester but owed a lot of money. FIL was co-signor on loan bc son had bad credit. FIL has not offered to pay for my kid’s educations. We can afford it but it seems unfair that my kids get a $20 bill for birthday and Christmas, but nothing substantial like college tuition (and other big expenses). My kids have worked hard to earn substantial scholarships and wouldn’t require much assistance. It seems the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Why is this "unfair"? Were you promised access to your FILs money? You can afford college for yiur kids. Why do you deserve anything from your FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I never expected anyone to pay for my kids’ education. Hence, I scrimped and saved in 529’s from their infancy. I get what you’re all saying about how it’s his money and can do whatever he wants with it. It’s more that the money is yet another sign of favoritism (albeit born out of trying to equalize nephew’s situation when his own parents couldn’t).

It very well may be that your husband's father prefers one grandchild over the others. (Tho, it sounds like he's simply more worried about one over the others, but whatever.)

It's not even your family's money that you're worrying about not being spend on you ... it's your husband's. Your FIL can and will continue to do whatever he wants with his bank account. You can fret about it but all you're going to get is fret.