Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

Well, then, he's earned it then. This is NONE of your business. And since you harbor so much resentment towards them maybe you don't deserve ANY of their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

OP, your brother found your post.

You’re doing a gigantic leap here, PP. People like OP’s brother don’t help anyone except themselves. He’s previous behavior proves this. There are loads of examples of these situations. He’s simply a parasite who’s been pampered his whole life and is simply waiting for his share of the inheritance. OP shouldn’t be surprised if her parents leave him everything. Then he’ll squander everything and expect OP to care for him until he dies. The best thing to do OP, is to move far away from these people.

There's always more than one side to a story. You're hearing OP's side -- not the brother's or the parents'. All I can tell you is that we've been there. Does OP want to live with her parents? Does OP think her parents would be better off physically or emotionally with the brother not living there? There's a lot more than money involved here, although only seems to be interested in the money . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

OMG! Are you serious? Who made you moral cop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

OMG! Are you serious? Who made you moral cop?

NP. It’s not necessarily right. We don’t know all the facts. But parents picking favorites (in this case, supporting a deadbeat brother before and after they die) is never right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

OMG! Are you serious? Who made you moral cop?

NP. It’s not necessarily right. We don’t know all the facts. But parents picking favorites (in this case, supporting a deadbeat brother before and after they die) is never right.

Because someone has a different approach to how to spend their money, it doesn’t make it wrong. Bad parenting? Maybe, maybe not. Certainly OP is not in position to play moral cop on her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

OMG! Are you serious? Who made you moral cop?

NP here. I don’t know what alternate reality you live in but favoring one child over another is just flat out wrong. It’s morally and ethically wrong.

No matter what you tell yourself, it is wrong.

[Anonymous]

You are talking like OP and her brother are 7 and 9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

OMG! Are you serious? Who made you moral cop?

NP. It’s not necessarily right. We don’t know all the facts. But parents picking favorites (in this case, supporting a deadbeat brother before and after they die) is never right.

Because someone has a different approach to how to spend their money, it doesn’t make it wrong. Bad parenting? Maybe, maybe not. Certainly OP is not in position to play moral cop on her parents.

NP. Of course she is. Just because you keep asserting the moral cop line doesn't make it so. Her parents get to spend their money how they want. Others have the right to pass judgement and make inferences. You may not like this, but it happens all the time. Choices have consequences.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope this perspective helps:

DH’s youngest brother is nearing 50. He still lives at home. He has two undergraduate degrees, one master’s degree and started medical school in his mid 40s - dropped out of course. He is highly intelligent, has taught himself two other languages, and plays multiple instruments that he self-taught as an adult. He has lived at home most of his life, except when in school, and worked approximately two years as an architect.

DH’s parents have completely enabled BIL all his life. DH and his other brother had to pay for their own college, but not the youngest. Most things are paid for by the ILs. It is my impression that they don’t like supporting him and having him live there, but they feel helpless at this point. Moreover, they told DH that the youngest is the executor of their will. It’s possible they will leave everything to him, so I guess he can administer it for himself then.

I really used to judge my IL’s over all this. DH and I have been married 30+ years and dated for a few years before that. The enabling was obvious even then. However, a couple of things have made me reflect over the past few years.

1) Our oldest DS graduated college this year with highest honors, does have a job, is starting his MBA, but lives at home until he can save enough to move out. We told him he can live here for one year. But he worries me because he has reminded me of DH’s youngest brother on many occasions. My worry increases when I look at at least one of DH’s first cousins. The man is over 60 and has never worked, simply amassed multiple degrees and lived off his parents. When I look at the male line of DH’s family, I observe a concerning pattern. Could this be hereditary? What will DH and I do if our oldest son winds up like this? We are very consciously working with DS to make sure he has a plan and can get out on his own two feet, but we also have the direct knowledge of what can happen if steps are not taken early to ensure this. For the first time, I can imagine what it must feel like to be in my MIL’s shoes.

2) I am currently caring for my very elderly parent who still lives somewhat independently at home. I am an only child. It is just about breaking me. If, for some reason, youngest BIL continues to live at home when ILs need help (and they are starting to need help), then I won’t begrudge him all those years of mooching and all the inheritance on top of it. Knowing BIL, however, I suspect he will bail if he can. Time will tell. But eldercare is exhausting and I cannot imagine doing this two more times. So having a sibling live at home with elderly parents can be a godsend if that sibling is really ready to pull his or her weight.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope this perspective helps:

DH’s youngest brother is nearing 50. He still lives at home. He has two undergraduate degrees, one master’s degree and started medical school in his mid 40s - dropped out of course. He is highly intelligent, has taught himself two other languages, and plays multiple instruments that he self-taught as an adult. He has lived at home most of his life, except when in school, and worked approximately two years as an architect.

DH’s parents have completely enabled BIL all his life. DH and his other brother had to pay for their own college, but not the youngest. Most things are paid for by the ILs. It is my impression that they don’t like supporting him and having him live there, but they feel helpless at this point. Moreover, they told DH that the youngest is the executor of their will. It’s possible they will leave everything to him, so I guess he can administer it for himself then.

I really used to judge my IL’s over all this. DH and I have been married 30+ years and dated for a few years before that. The enabling was obvious even then. However, a couple of things have made me reflect over the past few years.

1) Our oldest DS graduated college this year with highest honors, does have a job, is starting his MBA, but lives at home until he can save enough to move out. We told him he can live here for one year. But he worries me because he has reminded me of DH’s youngest brother on many occasions. My worry increases when I look at at least one of DH’s first cousins. The man is over 60 and has never worked, simply amassed multiple degrees and lived off his parents. When I look at the male line of DH’s family, I observe a concerning pattern. Could this be hereditary? What will DH and I do if our oldest son winds up like this? We are very consciously working with DS to make sure he has a plan and can get out on his own two feet, but we also have the direct knowledge of what can happen if steps are not taken early to ensure this. For the first time, I can imagine what it must feel like to be in my MIL’s shoes.

2) I am currently caring for my very elderly parent who still lives somewhat independently at home. I am an only child. It is just about breaking me. If, for some reason, youngest BIL continues to live at home when ILs need help (and they are starting to need help), then I won’t begrudge him all those years of mooching and all the inheritance on top of it. Knowing BIL, however, I suspect he will bail if he can. Time will tell. But eldercare is exhausting and I cannot imagine doing this two more times. So having a sibling live at home with elderly parents can be a godsend if that sibling is really ready to pull his or her weight.

Good luck, OP.

Serious question. Not asking to be snarky. How are you going to feel if BIL bails on the eldercare, you and your spouse have to deal with it, but he's still getting the entire inheritance?

[Anonymous]

Yup we have something similar. It's not a huge amount of money, so I'm just trying to move past it. But one grandchild will be heavily favored over the other two.

It does get tricky. I just hope the other 2 kids don't find out because that's a legacy that lasts forever after you are dead. There's no way to fix it if feelings are hurt. Which is why being equitable seems to almost always be the better idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

OMG! Are you serious? Who made you moral cop?

NP. It’s not necessarily right. We don’t know all the facts. But parents picking favorites (in this case, supporting a deadbeat brother before and after they die) is never right.

Because someone has a different approach to how to spend their money, it doesn’t make it wrong. Bad parenting? Maybe, maybe not. Certainly OP is not in position to play moral cop on her parents.

NP. Of course she is. Just because you keep asserting the moral cop line doesn't make it so. Her parents get to spend their money how they want. Others have the right to pass judgement and make inferences. You may not like this, but it happens all the time. Choices have consequences.

And I am sure her parents are okay with consequences. If OP objects so much, why not turn it down in protest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

Well, then, he's earned it then. This is NONE of your business. And since you harbor so much resentment towards them maybe you don't deserve ANY of their money.

He didn’t earn anything. This isn’t OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

They like having him there because they like controlling his life. They’ve never learned to let go and created a man-child that society will have to take care of once they’re gone.

Yes, it’s their money, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is right.

OMG! Are you serious? Who made you moral cop?

We’re all on here moralizing. Why are you here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The brother is living with the parents and helping take care of them. He is, no doubt, doing far more for the parents than OP or the other siblings are. I think OP underestimates how much work is involved and how much better off the parents and the whole family are just by the brother being there. The brother deserves the house.

What fairytale world do you live in? The idea that a 50 year old man living with his parents (who are paying his bills and supporting him) is somehow a CAREGIVER is quite a stretch.

This. Lol.

I come from a world where my 50 year old brother lives with my mother (my father being long deceased) and his siblings and I are extraordinarily grateful. I also come from a world where my brother's ex-wife, also in her 50s, lived with her mother (with Alzheimer's) for years and her siblings are grateful.

Even if the brother is a f*ck up, there are intangible benefits to having him living with elderly parents. And remember, his relationship with his parents is different than his relationship with his siblings. Note that the OP isn't saying her parents don't like him living with them or want him gone. No doubt they like having him there.

And in the end it's THEIR money.

I am the sibling who bears the majority of the care for my parents who both have dementia. Thank you for recognizing your siblings care. My siblings are not very appreciative - they don’t help and in some ways they make things harder because they don’t say thank you for everything I do but they do sometimes criticize me on the times things don’t go the way they want.