Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it bother you if your parents left your sibling more than you because sibling chose not to work?

Need more info as to why sibling isn't working for money

He doesn’t like working. He saved up some money 200k and quit the job he hated at 35. He is almost 50 now. He is divorced and lives with our parents over a decade. They pay most of his bills. He has been lazy since he was a kid. My mom wants to make it fair by giving him the house he lives in with them -worth over a million, then split the cash between the two of us. So she is rewarding his laziness.

OMG, this is the exact situation with DH's sister (although she was never divorced and never saved $2k, much as $200k). DH's mother told them that DH's sister will get the condo worth over a million, then split the cash. DH and I don't need the money or property, but yes, he is hurt and was initially very angry about it. But I try to remind him that a worse situation would be if he got stuck owning the property with her, in which case who knows whether she would be able to keep up the maintenance or even pay the property taxes. OP, I imagine that might be the situation with your brother as well.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, there is no way in hell this guy is going to be able to afford to keep up that house. It doesn't sound as though he has the finances nor the wherewithal to deal with basic home maintenance.

Your parents should sell that house, move themselves and your bro to a lower cost of living area - less expensive, easier upkeep home/condo. Then invest the rest of the money and split what is left between the remaining siblings - assuming they have anything left after paying for their own eldercare. You know darned well your brother isn't going to take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will brother be taking care of mom and dad as they age? If so, that's worth the house. That's not a fun job. If you are also local and expect to do as much of the schlepping to appointments and helping take a shower as he does, then I understand being frustrated--but if you split everything equally, will he be set for life? Or is he going to be asking for help down the road, and you'll be on the receiving end of requests? That might also be worth giving up a house.

My mom and uncle are in a similar boat. Uncle lives with grandma and hasn't held down a job in 20 years. Grandma wants to leave everything to him because she's worried about him. Mom has told grandma to do as she wishes, but that she promises her brother will never be homeless or hungry. That alleviated some of grandma's stress, I think.

Half of a million dollar house is worth taking care of someone? Not in Canada where we live. It’s nearly free.

[Anonymous]

I assume that people who don’t work have mental health or other neurological issues like autism or adhd. Often they are undiagnosed. So I would not want to be in their shoes.

If you feel yourself envying part of what a person has, you need to take their whole lives into consideration. Not just the inheritance piece. Would you want to be the person living in mom’s basement? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will brother be taking care of mom and dad as they age? If so, that's worth the house. That's not a fun job. If you are also local and expect to do as much of the schlepping to appointments and helping take a shower as he does, then I understand being frustrated--but if you split everything equally, will he be set for life? Or is he going to be asking for help down the road, and you'll be on the receiving end of requests? That might also be worth giving up a house.

My mom and uncle are in a similar boat. Uncle lives with grandma and hasn't held down a job in 20 years. Grandma wants to leave everything to him because she's worried about him. Mom has told grandma to do as she wishes, but that she promises her brother will never be homeless or hungry. That alleviated some of grandma's stress, I think.

That's very nice of your mom. I would never do this. If my siblings (or anyone else for that matter) were that lazy and entitled, then they deserve to go homeless and hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it bother you if your parents left your sibling more than you because sibling chose not to work?

Need more info as to why sibling isn't working for money

He doesn’t like working. He saved up some money 200k and quit the job he hated at 35. He is almost 50 now. He is divorced and lives with our parents over a decade. They pay most of his bills. He has been lazy since he was a kid. My mom wants to make it fair by giving him the house he lives in with them -worth over a million, then split the cash between the two of us. So she is rewarding his laziness.

Doesn’t sound like a very happy life. Truly no reason for you to be jealous.

My siblings need more than me. I wish my parents had more to give them. I do my best to help.

Since when does fairness equal jealousy?

When you’re upset at what you perceive as a lack of fairness, it’s because you think someone has what you don’t, so jealousy. If you don’t like the word, sub in something else. The vocabulary doesn’t matter. It’s the attitude that’s going to cause problems.

No one on this board would want to trade places with an unemployed 50 yr old living at home with elderly parents. Sounds terrible.

Jealous is the wrong word. Presumably OP works and has a lot more money than her brother, so why would she be jealous?

The j-word here is not jealous but JUDGMENTAL. OP sees their brother at morally less-than for not holding down a job and paying his own bills. There have been no examples of the brother being cruel or abusive. His “crime” is that he lives with the parents who pay his bills. But in OP’s eyes, the brother is morally wrong for the choices he has made.

Must be painful live such a miserable life, OP. People just keep not meeting the high standards you’ve set for them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP...this would bother me. It's really not fair, and your brother's lifestyle may be symptomatic of ongoing dysfunction in that family unit. However, it is what it is. I've realized it's best just to accept people how they are and move on accordingly.

I wouldn't say anything. I'd just go about my life with the understanding my parents are comfortable with treating my brother and I unfairly. They are absolutely free to leave bro an extra $1 million, but I'm also free to abdicate caring for them in their older age. I'd distance myself. Choices have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it bother you if your parents left your sibling more than you because sibling chose not to work?

Need more info as to why sibling isn't working for money

He doesn’t like working. He saved up some money 200k and quit the job he hated at 35. He is almost 50 now. He is divorced and lives with our parents over a decade. They pay most of his bills. He has been lazy since he was a kid. My mom wants to make it fair by giving him the house he lives in with them -worth over a million, then split the cash between the two of us. So she is rewarding his laziness.

Doesn’t sound like a very happy life. Truly no reason for you to be jealous.

My siblings need more than me. I wish my parents had more to give them. I do my best to help.

Since when does fairness equal jealousy?

When you’re upset at what you perceive as a lack of fairness, it’s because you think someone has what you don’t, so jealousy. If you don’t like the word, sub in something else. The vocabulary doesn’t matter. It’s the attitude that’s going to cause problems.

No one on this board would want to trade places with an unemployed 50 yr old living at home with elderly parents. Sounds terrible.

Jealous is the wrong word. Presumably OP works and has a lot more money than her brother, so why would she be jealous?

The j-word here is not jealous but JUDGMENTAL. OP sees their brother at morally less-than for not holding down a job and paying his own bills. There have been no examples of the brother being cruel or abusive. His “crime” is that he lives with the parents who pay his bills. But in OP’s eyes, the brother is morally wrong for the choices he has made.

Must be painful live such a miserable life, OP. People just keep not meeting the high standards you’ve set for them.

NP. None of this matters PP. Call it jealously, judgement, whatever. Most emotionally healthy people would surmise that a 50 year old man (or woman) that lives and mooches off his parents is a parasite. I'm sure OP is feeling a bit jealous of the lengths her parents are willing to go to care for him. I'm not sure who wouldn't judge him for his current living situation. He is, after all, mooching off his elderly parents so he doesn't have to work. I don't think expecting a grown adult to care for themselves as such is setting a high standard. That's like expecting a person to wipe after they've used the bathroom as being a high standard. Just part of being a functioning adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it bother you if your parents left your sibling more than you because sibling chose not to work?

Need more info as to why sibling isn't working for money

He doesn’t like working. He saved up some money 200k and quit the job he hated at 35. He is almost 50 now. He is divorced and lives with our parents over a decade. They pay most of his bills. He has been lazy since he was a kid. My mom wants to make it fair by giving him the house he lives in with them -worth over a million, then split the cash between the two of us. So she is rewarding his laziness.

This happened in my DH's family. Unfortunately you do not get to tell your parents how to spend their money. They have enabled him, they now see it as their obligation to take care of him. I have always believed that estate planning should be done with those left behind in mind, with the goal of preserving family relationships. Sadly this is already affecting your relationship with your parents because you are angry you cannot do anything about it, and, if you allow it to, it will eat away at your relationship with your brother long after your parents are gone. FWIW, he is there with them and would be the one taking care of them in their elderly years, is he is not already doing this. Are you willing to move your parents into your household and provide them care? Probably not, most of us are just not equipped for such a challenge. If you want to preserve your family relationships, you are going to have to let this go, it is not your choice. My DH has NO relationship with the sibling who was so generously provided for by his parents, NO relationship. They were fairly close before the reading of the will, it deteriorated immediately thereafter. Make a choice what ultimately is important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it bother you if your parents left your sibling more than you because sibling chose not to work?

Need more info as to why sibling isn't working for money

He doesn’t like working. He saved up some money 200k and quit the job he hated at 35. He is almost 50 now. He is divorced and lives with our parents over a decade. They pay most of his bills. He has been lazy since he was a kid. My mom wants to make it fair by giving him the house he lives in with them -worth over a million, then split the cash between the two of us. So she is rewarding his laziness.

Doesn’t sound like a very happy life. Truly no reason for you to be jealous.

My siblings need more than me. I wish my parents had more to give them. I do my best to help.

Since when does fairness equal jealousy?

When you’re upset at what you perceive as a lack of fairness, it’s because you think someone has what you don’t, so jealousy. If you don’t like the word, sub in something else. The vocabulary doesn’t matter. It’s the attitude that’s going to cause problems.

No one on this board would want to trade places with an unemployed 50 yr old living at home with elderly parents. Sounds terrible.

Jealous is the wrong word. Presumably OP works and has a lot more money than her brother, so why would she be jealous?

The j-word here is not jealous but JUDGMENTAL. OP sees their brother at morally less-than for not holding down a job and paying his own bills. There have been no examples of the brother being cruel or abusive. His “crime” is that he lives with the parents who pay his bills. But in OP’s eyes, the brother is morally wrong for the choices he has made.

Must be painful live such a miserable life, OP. People just keep not meeting the high standards you’ve set for them.

If you are a reasonably intelligent and functional adult and you can't support yourself out of choice, then yes, it is fair to be judgmental. It's not a question of setting high standards for any such person is capable of working at a basic job and living in a simple apartment rather than mooching off the bank of Mom and Dad into their 50s.

In this day and age, the concept of being judgmental seems to trigger certain people, but judgmental exists for a reason. You have the right to live your life the way you want as long as it doesn't hurt others, but you do not have the right to screech that people not be judgmental about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it bother you if your parents left your sibling more than you because sibling chose not to work?

Need more info as to why sibling isn't working for money

He doesn’t like working. He saved up some money 200k and quit the job he hated at 35. He is almost 50 now. He is divorced and lives with our parents over a decade. They pay most of his bills. He has been lazy since he was a kid. My mom wants to make it fair by giving him the house he lives in with them -worth over a million, then split the cash between the two of us. So she is rewarding his laziness.

Doesn’t sound like a very happy life. Truly no reason for you to be jealous.

My siblings need more than me. I wish my parents had more to give them. I do my best to help.

Since when does fairness equal jealousy?

When you’re upset at what you perceive as a lack of fairness, it’s because you think someone has what you don’t, so jealousy. If you don’t like the word, sub in something else. The vocabulary doesn’t matter. It’s the attitude that’s going to cause problems.

No one on this board would want to trade places with an unemployed 50 yr old living at home with elderly parents. Sounds terrible.

Jealous is the wrong word. Presumably OP works and has a lot more money than her brother, so why would she be jealous?

The j-word here is not jealous but JUDGMENTAL. OP sees their brother at morally less-than for not holding down a job and paying his own bills. There have been no examples of the brother being cruel or abusive. His “crime” is that he lives with the parents who pay his bills. But in OP’s eyes, the brother is morally wrong for the choices he has made.

Must be painful live such a miserable life, OP. People just keep not meeting the high standards you’ve set for them.

This is just wrong. Op is understandably upset, being the child who tried to do the right thing in becoming an independent functioning adult. However, Op, you probably saw this coming over the years. My sympathies, little you can do about your parents/brothers choices in life. Control what you can, embrace the wonderful life you have created for yourself and your family and accept this graciously. It's the smart thing to do. If your parents ask your advice, I'd be honest about how hurt your are about their decision, but it is their decision. I have a scum sucking sibling who preys on my parents and their finances as well, it's sickening.

[Anonymous]

I would be very happy I had a sibling who was living with my parents as they aged. I don't think people who have never had to deal with it understand the 24-7 nature of it. Think of it as payback for the potential and actual stress of that- that you do not have to deal with.

Would you rather your parents moved in with you now and sold their house?

[Anonymous]

Your brother will not be taking care of your parents; he can't take care of himself.

Had a similar situation in my family. Brother was supported, bailed out and coddled his entire life. Got some money when dad passed - he had blown it within six months.

When mom died, he was living in her house. Other siblings sold our shares of the house to him at well below market value. Within less than two years, he was foreclosed on and lost it.

Parents are long gone and there is no more money. He is now in his 60s. Lived in his car for almost six months until he could get social security. He is still being supplemented by us because his social security is not enough to live on.

Your brother will probably wind up the same way. Won't be able to keep up house and will lose it. Won't have decent social security since he doesn't work.

Who do your parents think is going to look out for him when they're gone? If they think it's going to be you, and yet they want to leave him the largest assets, then you need to have a discussion.

If you don't want to be responsible for him for the rest of your life, say so now. Have your parents set up a trust so that housing costs (taxes, insurance, upkeep) will be paid for out of whatever cash they planned to give him. Let an attorney administer it, so you don't have to deal with him.

[Anonymous]

Such a tough situation. We have similar issues on both sides. I have two siblings, and one of which never amounted to much so my parents have shared that they are leaving her half, and then the successful sister and I get to share the other half. I would be lying if I said it didn’t piss me off and seem really unfair. It has also strained our relationship since that sibling always gets hand outs and my other sibling and I never got a dime even when we needed help along the way. But I know there is nothing I can do to change their minds.

We have a different situation on my DH’s side in that his sister has no kids but we have 2... and DH’s parents are leaving most of their estate to their grandkids. DH and his sister are getting a little something but she is furious and claims she is being punished for not having kids. It’s a bad scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it bother you if your parents left your sibling more than you because sibling chose not to work?

Need more info as to why sibling isn't working for money

He doesn’t like working. He saved up some money 200k and quit the job he hated at 35. He is almost 50 now. He is divorced and lives with our parents over a decade. They pay most of his bills. He has been lazy since he was a kid. My mom wants to make it fair by giving him the house he lives in with them -worth over a million, then split the cash between the two of us. So she is rewarding his laziness.

Doesn’t sound like a very happy life. Truly no reason for you to be jealous.

My siblings need more than me. I wish my parents had more to give them. I do my best to help.

Since when does fairness equal jealousy?

Fairness? This has nothing to do with fairness. It is NOT your money. How they distribute THEIR money is up to them. Process that first.