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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I hope this perspective helps:

DH’s youngest brother is nearing 50. He still lives at home. He has two undergraduate degrees, one master’s degree and started medical school in his mid 40s - dropped out of course. He is highly intelligent, has taught himself two other languages, and plays multiple instruments that he self-taught as an adult. He has lived at home most of his life, except when in school, and worked approximately two years as an architect.

DH’s parents have completely enabled BIL all his life. DH and his other brother had to pay for their own college, but not the youngest. Most things are paid for by the ILs. It is my impression that they don’t like supporting him and having him live there, but they feel helpless at this point. Moreover, they told DH that the youngest is the executor of their will. It’s possible they will leave everything to him, so I guess he can administer it for himself then.

I really used to judge my IL’s over all this. DH and I have been married 30+ years and dated for a few years before that. The enabling was obvious even then. However, a couple of things have made me reflect over the past few years.

1) Our oldest DS graduated college this year with highest honors, does have a job, is starting his MBA, but lives at home until he can save enough to move out. We told him he can live here for one year. But he worries me because he has reminded me of DH’s youngest brother on many occasions. My worry increases when I look at at least one of DH’s first cousins. The man is over 60 and has never worked, simply amassed multiple degrees and lived off his parents. When I look at the male line of DH’s family, I observe a concerning pattern. Could this be hereditary? What will DH and I do if our oldest son winds up like this? We are very consciously working with DS to make sure he has a plan and can get out on his own two feet, but we also have the direct knowledge of what can happen if steps are not taken early to ensure this. For the first time, I can imagine what it must feel like to be in my MIL’s shoes.

2) I am currently caring for my very elderly parent who still lives somewhat independently at home. I am an only child. It is just about breaking me. If, for some reason, youngest BIL continues to live at home when ILs need help (and they are starting to need help), then I won’t begrudge him all those years of mooching and all the inheritance on top of it. Knowing BIL, however, I suspect he will bail if he can. Time will tell. But eldercare is exhausting and I cannot imagine doing this two more times. So having a sibling live at home with elderly parents can be a godsend if that sibling is really ready to pull his or her weight.

Good luck, OP.[/quote]

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