Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:00:01 I don’t blame you at all.

Sir parents are free to do what they want, including favoring certain children over others and giving unequal inheritances. But don’t pretend like actions don’t have consequences. The slighted children are free to be hurt and pull back.

So, let OP pull back. This thread is so stupid.

OP, let me ask you a question. If your parents gave you the house/money, and "not much" to your brother, would you be equally upset?

I didn't think so. Don't be greedy OP.

If the situation were reversed, I'd give my sibling 1/2 of everything as family and relationship are more important than money, especially when we are both doing equally well. In our situation, sibling is single with no kids so her losing us is going to be far harder for her, than us. These things absolutely have consequences and that was that person's point. Our kids learn from the examples and our behavior. Cutting out a child from the will speaks volumes of a person, especially when they cannot even be honest about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother actually left all but a few thousand dollars to me. She said my brother got all his while she was alive. He was shocked she left him anything.

Thats a different issue as she was helping him out and that was probably their agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:00:01 I don’t blame you at all.

Sir parents are free to do what they want, including favoring certain children over others and giving unequal inheritances. But don’t pretend like actions don’t have consequences. The slighted children are free to be hurt and pull back.

So, let OP pull back. This thread is so stupid.

OP, let me ask you a question. If your parents gave you the house/money, and "not much" to your brother, would you be equally upset?

I didn't think so. Don't be greedy OP.

DP. Why do you not get it? Everybody agrees that OP’s parents can do whatever they want with their own money.

The issue, which you refuse to see, is that there’s emotional fallout from a decision that favors one child over the other. And why the useless straw man about OP getting all the money? Even in this useless hypothetical, the relevant question is not now OP would feel, but how the shafted brother would feel.

Sounds like you’re planning to treat your kids unequally in your own will?

DP. So what if I am? One of my children is a disappointment, frankly. Those who feel shafted here should be honest with themselves- what did you do to disappoint your parents?

[Anonymous]

I have a divorced under employed uncle who moved into the house with grandma for the last 13 years of her life, daily caretaker for 3 years. Her 3 daughters, one my mother, did nothing for her if they could get away with it. Grandma told me she was leaving more to the uncle, I advised her not to, relationship with his sisters would be damaged and that money equals love wether she wanted to see it or not. Everyone got 1/4. The sisters then cheated my uncle out of the house, grabbed everything their greedy fists could and have no relationship with their brother. If I could go back I’d tell grandma to leave it all to him! Don’t expect your kids to do the fair thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a divorced under employed uncle who moved into the house with grandma for the last 13 years of her life, daily caretaker for 3 years. Her 3 daughters, one my mother, did nothing for her if they could get away with it. Grandma told me she was leaving more to the uncle, I advised her not to, relationship with his sisters would be damaged and that money equals love wether she wanted to see it or not. Everyone got 1/4. The sisters then cheated my uncle out of the house, grabbed everything their greedy fists could and have no relationship with their brother. If I could go back I’d tell grandma to leave it all to him! Don’t expect your kids to do the fair thing.

You were wrong to do that. Uncle should have gotten 1/2 and the house and the rest split. He couldn't work full time/employment i the as a daily caretaker. People underestimate what it takes to care for someone, especially for years. (I hope to drop dead)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:00:01 I don’t blame you at all.

Sir parents are free to do what they want, including favoring certain children over others and giving unequal inheritances. But don’t pretend like actions don’t have consequences. The slighted children are free to be hurt and pull back.

So, let OP pull back. This thread is so stupid.

OP, let me ask you a question. If your parents gave you the house/money, and "not much" to your brother, would you be equally upset?

I didn't think so. Don't be greedy OP.

If the situation were reversed, I'd give my sibling 1/2 of everything as family and relationship are more important than money, especially when we are both doing equally well. In our situation, sibling is single with no kids so her losing us is going to be far harder for her, than us. These things absolutely have consequences and that was that person's point. Our kids learn from the examples and our behavior. Cutting out a child from the will speaks volumes of a person, especially when they cannot even be honest about it.

As a parent, I would hate for my legacy to be strife between my children.

I can’t believe this has to Be explained and spelled out for people. Yes, it’s your money and you can do whatever you want with it. Pretending that giving everything you have to one child and nothing to the other isn’t going to cause hurt feelings is delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:00:01 I don’t blame you at all.

Sir parents are free to do what they want, including favoring certain children over others and giving unequal inheritances. But don’t pretend like actions don’t have consequences. The slighted children are free to be hurt and pull back.

So, let OP pull back. This thread is so stupid.

OP, let me ask you a question. If your parents gave you the house/money, and "not much" to your brother, would you be equally upset?

I didn't think so. Don't be greedy OP.

DP. Why do you not get it? Everybody agrees that OP’s parents can do whatever they want with their own money.

The issue, which you refuse to see, is that there’s emotional fallout from a decision that favors one child over the other. And why the useless straw man about OP getting all the money? Even in this useless hypothetical, the relevant question is not now OP would feel, but how the shafted brother would feel.

Sounds like you’re planning to treat your kids unequally in your own will?

DP. So what if I am? One of my children is a disappointment, frankly. Those who feel shafted here should be honest with themselves- what did you do to disappoint your parents?

Wow. I hope you find peace. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go through life with so much hatred for your own child.

What you’re failing to see is that you’re harming your favored child in addition to the one you hate.

Really, I hope you find peace before you die. You are destroying your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that people who don’t work have mental health or other neurological issues like autism or adhd. Often they are undiagnosed. So I would not want to be in their shoes.

If you feel yourself envying part of what a person has, you need to take their whole lives into consideration. Not just the inheritance piece. Would you want to be the person living in mom’s basement? Probably not.

Why do you make this assumption? Some people are just lazy a$$holes. Seriously. My dad is exactly like OP's brother. He ran up all my 90 year old grandmother's credit cards and moved into her small subsidized apartment while he watched TV and chain smoked all day. This was all against her will. He doesn't have mental health or neurological issues I can assure you.

I think you are wrong. That very much sounds like it could be several things: untreated adhd, depression, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:00:01 I don’t blame you at all.

Sir parents are free to do what they want, including favoring certain children over others and giving unequal inheritances. But don’t pretend like actions don’t have consequences. The slighted children are free to be hurt and pull back.

So, let OP pull back. This thread is so stupid.

OP, let me ask you a question. If your parents gave you the house/money, and "not much" to your brother, would you be equally upset?

I didn't think so. Don't be greedy OP.

DP. Why do you not get it? Everybody agrees that OP’s parents can do whatever they want with their own money.

The issue, which you refuse to see, is that there’s emotional fallout from a decision that favors one child over the other. And why the useless straw man about OP getting all the money? Even in this useless hypothetical, the relevant question is not now OP would feel, but how the shafted brother would feel.

Sounds like you’re planning to treat your kids unequally in your own will?

DP. So what if I am? One of my children is a disappointment, frankly. Those who feel shafted here should be honest with themselves- what did you do to disappoint your parents?

Wow. I hope you find peace. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go through life with so much hatred for your own child.

What you’re failing to see is that you’re harming your favored child in addition to the one you hate.

Really, I hope you find peace before you die. You are destroying your family.

Best mother award for you.

-DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. I disagree. I think jealous is the right word. OP seems to think that her parents leaving her brother more says that they value him more and that they are favoring him by leaving him more money. It's not. The parents have made a decision to leave more inheritance for the child who makes less money and has less insurance, retirement, protection for the future. While I understand that she blames her brother for being lazy, the point is that she could choose to live a bohemian lifestyle, give up working and live life with less and then be eligible for a more equal share of inheritance, but that isn't her choice. She chooses to work, have more disposable income and be able to enjoy the fruits of her labor now. Two different choices.

We have a similar situation. My sister had a hard life, was abused by her ex-husband, divorced and was screwed in the divorce. Instead of working in the field where she has her degree (graphics design), she has opted to take a job working in a floral shop. She truly enjoys her job, her co-workers and her life. It means that she can barely make ends meet. She lives in our brother's old condo and my parents pay my brother rent for her. My brother and I both have professional degrees and work and make very comfortable livings and support our families. Our parents will be leaving 40-50% of their significant wealth to her with the rest divided between my brother and I. Additionally, my sister has one child and my brother and I each have two children, so perforce, her child will get more money (if there is any left when my sister passes) than the other four grandchildren. And you know what? We're all fine with this. We are a loving family and we know that hardships that my sister faced and that choices that she's made to be happy with her life after the trials she's been through. There is enough to go around and if our parents did not provide as much for our sister and she had hardships, my brother and I would have to take care of her anyways. This ensures that she will be able to care for herself without us paying to support her.

So, yes, OP is jealous that she feels that her parents value and love her brother more than her based solely on the distribution of their wealth. That's a very entitled and petty way to view things, but very common.

How is this a similar situation? Do you not see the difference? Your sister has been unfortunate with divorce and husband who abused her. And i completely understand parents wanting to support/provide some safety net for an unfortunate child, it's similar to doing that to a handicapped or a child with some serious health issues.

OP's brother was not abused, he chooses not to work for many years and to let his parents support him for decades. Reading comprehension issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. I disagree. I think jealous is the right word. OP seems to think that her parents leaving her brother more says that they value him more and that they are favoring him by leaving him more money. It's not. The parents have made a decision to leave more inheritance for the child who makes less money and has less insurance, retirement, protection for the future. While I understand that she blames her brother for being lazy, the point is that she could choose to live a bohemian lifestyle, give up working and live life with less and then be eligible for a more equal share of inheritance, but that isn't her choice. She chooses to work, have more disposable income and be able to enjoy the fruits of her labor now. Two different choices.

We have a similar situation. My sister had a hard life, was abused by her ex-husband, divorced and was screwed in the divorce. Instead of working in the field where she has her degree (graphics design), she has opted to take a job working in a floral shop. She truly enjoys her job, her co-workers and her life. It means that she can barely make ends meet. She lives in our brother's old condo and my parents pay my brother rent for her. My brother and I both have professional degrees and work and make very comfortable livings and support our families. Our parents will be leaving 40-50% of their significant wealth to her with the rest divided between my brother and I. Additionally, my sister has one child and my brother and I each have two children, so perforce, her child will get more money (if there is any left when my sister passes) than the other four grandchildren. And you know what? We're all fine with this. We are a loving family and we know that hardships that my sister faced and that choices that she's made to be happy with her life after the trials she's been through. There is enough to go around and if our parents did not provide as much for our sister and she had hardships, my brother and I would have to take care of her anyways. This ensures that she will be able to care for herself without us paying to support her.

So, yes, OP is jealous that she feels that her parents value and love her brother more than her based solely on the distribution of their wealth. That's a very entitled and petty way to view things, but very common.

How is this a similar situation? Do you not see the difference? Your sister has been unfortunate with divorce and husband who abused her. And i completely understand parents wanting to support/provide some safety net for an unfortunate child, it's similar to doing that to a handicapped or a child with some serious health issues.

OP's brother was not abused, he chooses not to work for many years and to let his parents support him for decades. Reading comprehension issues?

No, it's not reading comprehension issues. Nor is it belittling snark.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. One sibling, divorced with one kid. My parents have helped her out far more than for me, and she has made a number of life decisions we didn't approve of and which led to being aided by our parents. They bought her a townhouse so she'd have a place to live and continue to help support her and her child (a wonderful kid). Do I resent the money going to them? No. I am in a much better financial position. And that was the PP's point. In an ideal world it'd be great for parents to leave everything equally divided among their children, but we don't live in an ideal world. Life for many people is messy and complicated and we can judge OP's brother for being a wastrel but his mother has every right to be concerned for the brother's long term well-being and to set aside additional funds to help prevent him from becoming a burden to others.

[Anonymous]

We have this issue potentially on both sides.

I am not particularly close to my parents, and not close at all to my sister. They live in the same city (not where we grew up). It is likely that, to the extent necessary, eldercare responsibilities will fall disproportionately on her (though I'll help out monetarily if need be). My sister is single, and has a job in which she helps others that is not particularly lucrative (despite spending 6 figures on an advanced professional degree she never used). It is entirely possible that my parents have paif off her student loans (I don't know) and will leave larger share of their estate to her, although as two retired public school teachers they have generous retirement incomes and not terribly significant assets. That would be understandable - she is closer to them, she is around them much more, and the money will make more of a difference in her life. That said, it would sting a little if we didn't get an interest in their vacation property that they know we love and visit every year (if they own it at the time of their death) - but it still woudl be be understandable if we didn't. Also, my kid is my parents' only grandchild, and I have a hard time believing that they will ignore her in their will.

My spouse has one brother, who has three kids. They are estranged from his wife's family through no fault of their own (SIL's family is a bunch of narcissistic lunatics), and that estrangement caused a significant upheaval (both emotional and financial) in their lives. It would not surprise me if my ILs account for that in their will, which in my view (and my spouse's) would also be be understandable.

I won't pretend that different treatment may not hurt a little, but so much depends on the reasons for the disparate treatment, and a whole host of other factors. If it's the last straw in a long history of favoritism, or parents supporting an otherwise able but lazy child, it is a lot more likely to cause problems. If there are good reasons, though, people are a lot more likely to work through bruised feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a divorced under employed uncle who moved into the house with grandma for the last 13 years of her life, daily caretaker for 3 years. Her 3 daughters, one my mother, did nothing for her if they could get away with it. Grandma told me she was leaving more to the uncle, I advised her not to, relationship with his sisters would be damaged and that money equals love wether she wanted to see it or not. Everyone got 1/4. The sisters then cheated my uncle out of the house, grabbed everything their greedy fists could and have no relationship with their brother. If I could go back I’d tell grandma to leave it all to him! Don’t expect your kids to do the fair thing.

Did you really believe that 3 sisters who refused to take care of their own mother would do right to their brother? Wow you messed up. So sorry for your uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:00:01 I don’t blame you at all.

Sir parents are free to do what they want, including favoring certain children over others and giving unequal inheritances. But don’t pretend like actions don’t have consequences. The slighted children are free to be hurt and pull back.

So, let OP pull back. This thread is so stupid.

OP, let me ask you a question. If your parents gave you the house/money, and "not much" to your brother, would you be equally upset?

I didn't think so. Don't be greedy OP.

DP. Why do you not get it? Everybody agrees that OP’s parents can do whatever they want with their own money.

The issue, which you refuse to see, is that there’s emotional fallout from a decision that favors one child over the other. And why the useless straw man about OP getting all the money? Even in this useless hypothetical, the relevant question is not now OP would feel, but how the shafted brother would feel.

Sounds like you’re planning to treat your kids unequally in your own will?

DP. So what if I am? One of my children is a disappointment, frankly. Those who feel shafted here should be honest with themselves- what did you do to disappoint your parents?

Wow. I hope you find peace. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go through life with so much hatred for your own child.

What you’re failing to see is that you’re harming your favored child in addition to the one you hate.

Really, I hope you find peace before you die. You are destroying your family.

You don't know the situation here so don't assume this poster is hate-filled nor harming the family dynamic by cutting out one kid, without good reason. We all know there are plenty of evil, manipulative, repeatedly criminal, and nasty people in the world. We see them on the news, in headlines, and prisons are filled with them. Even psychopaths started out as someone's children. "Disappointment" may mean many things … including an adult child who may be a criminal or abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. I disagree. I think jealous is the right word. OP seems to think that her parents leaving her brother more says that they value him more and that they are favoring him by leaving him more money. It's not. The parents have made a decision to leave more inheritance for the child who makes less money and has less insurance, retirement, protection for the future. While I understand that she blames her brother for being lazy, the point is that she could choose to live a bohemian lifestyle, give up working and live life with less and then be eligible for a more equal share of inheritance, but that isn't her choice. She chooses to work, have more disposable income and be able to enjoy the fruits of her labor now. Two different choices.

We have a similar situation. My sister had a hard life, was abused by her ex-husband, divorced and was screwed in the divorce. Instead of working in the field where she has her degree (graphics design), she has opted to take a job working in a floral shop. She truly enjoys her job, her co-workers and her life. It means that she can barely make ends meet. She lives in our brother's old condo and my parents pay my brother rent for her. My brother and I both have professional degrees and work and make very comfortable livings and support our families. Our parents will be leaving 40-50% of their significant wealth to her with the rest divided between my brother and I. Additionally, my sister has one child and my brother and I each have two children, so perforce, her child will get more money (if there is any left when my sister passes) than the other four grandchildren. And you know what? We're all fine with this. We are a loving family and we know that hardships that my sister faced and that choices that she's made to be happy with her life after the trials she's been through. There is enough to go around and if our parents did not provide as much for our sister and she had hardships, my brother and I would have to take care of her anyways. This ensures that she will be able to care for herself without us paying to support her.

So, yes, OP is jealous that she feels that her parents value and love her brother more than her based solely on the distribution of their wealth. That's a very entitled and petty way to view things, but very common.

How is this a similar situation? Do you not see the difference? Your sister has been unfortunate with divorce and husband who abused her. And i completely understand parents wanting to support/provide some safety net for an unfortunate child, it's similar to doing that to a handicapped or a child with some serious health issues.

OP's brother was not abused, he chooses not to work for many years and to let his parents support him for decades. Reading comprehension issues?

The degree to which is it similar is that my sister has a degree plus several years experience in graphic design. She worked for an engineering firm doing PR, publications, and "glossy work". She then worked for a magazine doing much the same. Both were decently paid positions. She quit working when she married to become a SAH wife then mother. When she divorced, she had options to return to her white collar career. She chose not to and to take an hourly position in a floral shop. When she was working full time in the flower shop, she made about 1/4 what she made at either of her white collar jobs. Now she works part-time. She still has the degree and experience. Yes, she her computer skills are out-of-date, but her graphics design background is still relevant. She could get back in the industry and work and sustain herself. So, like OP's brother, she could in fact, support herself without needing to live in our brother's old condo and have her parents pay her rent. But she chose not to. That was about 18 years ago and now it really isn't an option. But even if she had taken a year or two (or three or five) she could have gotten back to work and had 15+ years working at a job with a decent salary, put more money into social security and saved some for retirement. Instead she worked less and less (she works about 15 hours normal weeks and works about 45 hours for two weeks for several holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, etc). Heck she's only 60 and should could have had 20 years of work after 3 years of personal time and still retired at 65.

Yes, for the last 15+ years, she has chosen not to work and let her parents support her. But in our family, we don't belittle her choice or call her lazy. And we don't begrudge her taking an easier path and us supporting her and getting an unequal portion of inheritance. We love and support her decisions. So, I don't feel that her life is completely different from OP's brother. Yes, there was abuse and an antagonistic divorce. But there are plenty of people who go through the same and have to jump back to work immediately. Even taking up to five years, she could have still gone back to work. There was nothing physically stopping her. In fact the white collar jobs would have been physically much easier to handling than the floral shop job.