Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

I will be on the short end of an unequal inheritance, and the reason has nothing to do with the relative merits of my sibling and me. It's old fashioned sexism, pure and simple. He's male and I'm not. Their outdated thinking is that I have a husband to support me. My father used to say he would keep working until my brother was "set for life" and to some degree felt responsible for his grandsons as well (there are also granddaughters on my side and my brother's, but there wasn't the same sense of obligation to them or to me). I heard this my entire life, but it still came as a shock that they would reflect this attitude in their wills. It was hurtful to me in a way that has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the relative value my parents placed on their children's sexes. But one has to move on. For my husband and I, it motivated us to get our estate planning in place so that it is all equal (and transparent) with regard to our four children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. I disagree. I think jealous is the right word. OP seems to think that her parents leaving her brother more says that they value him more and that they are favoring him by leaving him more money. It's not. The parents have made a decision to leave more inheritance for the child who makes less money and has less insurance, retirement, protection for the future. While I understand that she blames her brother for being lazy, the point is that she could choose to live a bohemian lifestyle, give up working and live life with less and then be eligible for a more equal share of inheritance, but that isn't her choice. She chooses to work, have more disposable income and be able to enjoy the fruits of her labor now. Two different choices.

We have a similar situation. My sister had a hard life, was abused by her ex-husband, divorced and was screwed in the divorce. Instead of working in the field where she has her degree (graphics design), she has opted to take a job working in a floral shop. She truly enjoys her job, her co-workers and her life. It means that she can barely make ends meet. She lives in our brother's old condo and my parents pay my brother rent for her. My brother and I both have professional degrees and work and make very comfortable livings and support our families. Our parents will be leaving 40-50% of their significant wealth to her with the rest divided between my brother and I. Additionally, my sister has one child and my brother and I each have two children, so perforce, her child will get more money (if there is any left when my sister passes) than the other four grandchildren. And you know what? We're all fine with this. We are a loving family and we know that hardships that my sister faced and that choices that she's made to be happy with her life after the trials she's been through. There is enough to go around and if our parents did not provide as much for our sister and she had hardships, my brother and I would have to take care of her anyways. This ensures that she will be able to care for herself without us paying to support her.

So, yes, OP is jealous that she feels that her parents value and love her brother more than her based solely on the distribution of their wealth. That's a very entitled and petty way to view things, but very common.

How is this a similar situation? Do you not see the difference? Your sister has been unfortunate with divorce and husband who abused her. And i completely understand parents wanting to support/provide some safety net for an unfortunate child, it's similar to doing that to a handicapped or a child with some serious health issues.

OP's brother was not abused, he chooses not to work for many years and to let his parents support him for decades. Reading comprehension issues?

The degree to which is it similar is that my sister has a degree plus several years experience in graphic design. She worked for an engineering firm doing PR, publications, and "glossy work". She then worked for a magazine doing much the same. Both were decently paid positions. She quit working when she married to become a SAH wife then mother. When she divorced, she had options to return to her white collar career. She chose not to and to take an hourly position in a floral shop. When she was working full time in the flower shop, she made about 1/4 what she made at either of her white collar jobs. Now she works part-time. She still has the degree and experience. Yes, she her computer skills are out-of-date, but her graphics design background is still relevant. She could get back in the industry and work and sustain herself. So, like OP's brother, she could in fact, support herself without needing to live in our brother's old condo and have her parents pay her rent. But she chose not to. That was about 18 years ago and now it really isn't an option. But even if she had taken a year or two (or three or five) she could have gotten back to work and had 15+ years working at a job with a decent salary, put more money into social security and saved some for retirement. Instead she worked less and less (she works about 15 hours normal weeks and works about 45 hours for two weeks for several holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, etc). Heck she's only 60 and should could have had 20 years of work after 3 years of personal time and still retired at 65.

Yes, for the last 15+ years, she has chosen not to work and let her parents support her. But in our family, we don't belittle her choice or call her lazy. And we don't begrudge her taking an easier path and us supporting her and getting an unequal portion of inheritance. We love and support her decisions. So, I don't feel that her life is completely different from OP's brother. Yes, there was abuse and an antagonistic divorce. But there are plenty of people who go through the same and have to jump back to work immediately. Even taking up to five years, she could have still gone back to work. There was nothing physically stopping her. In fact the white collar jobs would have been physically much easier to handling than the floral shop job.

So, you are completely fine with supporting your adult, capable sister, just because she chooses to have a lower-paying job? OK.

I suppose I'd be fine with my parents supporting a lazy sibling, and even giving her a larger portion of inheritance - though I'd be a little grumpy about it. But me supporting someone who could work, but chooses not to? Forget it.

[Anonymous]

^ You don't sound like a "supporting" type anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother actually left all but a few thousand dollars to me. She said my brother got all his while she was alive. He was shocked she left him anything.

Thats a different issue as she was helping him out and that was probably their agreement.

It wasn't an agreement, my brother is like OP's brother, he lived with her (my parents divorced) and did nothing and helped not at all -- not even taking out the trash or buying groceries or cutting the grass -- and I was quite clear with my parents that I would not be taking care of him when they were gone. My brother knew he was a leech. And the few things I gave him after she passed away (her car, for example) he destroyed within months.

[Anonymous]

I'm estranged from my mother. I'm sure it brings her great pleasure to imagine her own death because I am left out of her will. You can see why I am estranged.

If she left me an equal amount of inheritance, it would be a bigger blow than nothing at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm estranged from my mother. I'm sure it brings her great pleasure to imagine her own death because I am left out of her will. You can see why I am estranged.

If she left me an equal amount of inheritance, it would be a bigger blow than nothing at all.

+1

I’m very happy to receive nothing from my mother.

[Anonymous]

I believe this is one of those topics that parents with younger kids will say "I'd never"... but the parents of older kids (20s, 30s, and even 40s) may feel differently. As much as you love them equally, as they grow up, they do end up with different lives. We are seeing this beginning to play out in real life. All three kids 20s (one turning 30 this year, all college educated). One phd, one in medical school, the last one still lost. He tried as hard as first two but things have not (as of now) worked out for him. Things can change, of course, but I can appreciate why some parents do this. If we were to die tomorrow, yes, I would change which one gets how much from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe this is one of those topics that parents with younger kids will say "I'd never"... but the parents of older kids (20s, 30s, and even 40s) may feel differently. As much as you love them equally, as they grow up, they do end up with different lives. We are seeing this beginning to play out in real life. All three kids 20s (one turning 30 this year, all college educated). One phd, one in medical school, the last one still lost. He tried as hard as first two but things have not (as of now) worked out for him. Things can change, of course, but I can appreciate why some parents do this. If we were to die tomorrow, yes, I would change which one gets how much from us.

You sound like a good parent. How are you helping your 'lost' child find a path?

[Anonymous]

I think it would be very hurtful to be treated unequally in the will or gifting or otherwise. I'm with you, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe this is one of those topics that parents with younger kids will say "I'd never"... but the parents of older kids (20s, 30s, and even 40s) may feel differently. As much as you love them equally, as they grow up, they do end up with different lives. We are seeing this beginning to play out in real life. All three kids 20s (one turning 30 this year, all college educated). One phd, one in medical school, the last one still lost. He tried as hard as first two but things have not (as of now) worked out for him. Things can change, of course, but I can appreciate why some parents do this. If we were to die tomorrow, yes, I would change which one gets how much from us.

You sound like a good parent. How are you helping your 'lost' child find a path?

It's a long story I don't want to get into. Let's just say we are trying to be supportive as long as he is trying. My (dad) criteria for our continuing support is "as long as you are trying and as long as we are able to work, we will support you." It's been a tough journey.