Am I not supposed to talk to other people's kids at aftercare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe aftercare allows you to speak to the other kids about a situation at all.

You should only be allowed to speak with the aftercare workers and the other parent when a situation arises. And also, many little minor situations like this should just 100% be worked out by the kids and dealt with by aftercare only.

There is a reason school volunteers require background checks and sometimes quick training before they are allowed access to other people's kids.

Aftercare may now be looking at ways to prevent this in the future. Maybe they will look at ways to change the layout of their pick up area, or send out letters shorty about making pick ups more swift in nature. I'm sure OP would think none of this applies to her or her children though.

[Anonymous]

OP, unfortunately most PPs are correct. In this country, you don't say anything to other people's children. You focus on your children and trust that somehow things will work out.

It's probably at least partially cultural. I grew up in an environment where any of your friends' parents (and sometimes strangers) were free to address issues THAT THEY WITNESS. The key here is that you didn't witness the incident. You heard about it secondhand and then inserted yourself. The only person you should have addressed this with is the parent.

BUT. If you witness someone harming your kid, forget all this and step right up in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is wrong of you to correct someone else’s child. You are an adult and their parents did not put you in charge. Of course the mom is upset! You can’t really be this clueless!?

This is a terrible, terrible attitude that yes, is prevalent in our society today. Kids need guidance from adults in their community. Period. You should not punish a child who is not your own, but talking to them about their behavior is not punishment. You should not yell, dress down, or punish in any way, but kids need a variety of adults in their lives and community to talk to them about stuff - including their actions. If my neighbor sees my kid cross the street without checking for cars - she should be able to say “hey, remember to look for cars, that’s dangerous.” OP’s own kids was involved in the excluding. She wasn’t yelling at the kid or making a scene. There’s nothing wrong with Telling the other kids “I talked to A last night about how you were all excluding B yesterday and so you know, that is not acceptable in our family and I’ve told A that it’s not ok to do. I hope you will help A be a better brother/sister too and not exclude B in the future.” People are way to sensitive about this and it is NOT good for kids. Of course no one should yell at or lay hands on another person’s kid. But having a convo about acceptable behavior is something adults should be able to do with kids, and kids can discuss with their own parents if they think the adult is wrong. Their own parents can tell them to ignore it if they think it’s wrong.

+1... people need to chill on this thread. If my child was doing something wrong and another adult was there to witness it, the adult should absolutely intervene. The parents who say otherwise are the snowflake parents who think their child could do no wrong. Or should we just sit back and watch Larlo tell your DC how ugly and stupid they are? Please use common sense here.

That's just it. The kids weren't going anything wrong. They just weren't playing with her younger child. Not a crime, totally fine. You can't make my kids play with your kids. You can't even try to guilt them into it. Nope nope nope.

[Anonymous]

The kids are in aftercare! This is a whole different situation than just a public place, like a park. I would not like it at all if my kid’s aftercare allowed random parents to come in and hang out for 15 minutes and lecture the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You did nothing wrong, OP. Some people on DCUM tend to be ready to find offense everywhere. The other parent may have felt targeted by what she viewed as your unnecessary interference, or she might have been grumpy for a reason that had nothing to do with you.

This. Hard to get the whole picture but parents can be really weird about stuff like this (which I find generally a bad thing, but it is what is is)

I was volunteering during a classroom event once and my own son and two other boys were pushing each other etc. The teacher and other parents were in the room but preoccupied. I said “hey..boys! No pushing!” and another parent called the teacher the next day to complain that “Larlo’s mom yelled at my son!” (Which I definitely didn’t lol) the parent wasn’t present at the classroom event but it was full of other parents and the teacher. The kid was apparently traumatized by this and went home and cried to his mom. The teacher was sympathetic to me as she knew I definitely didn’t yell- the was in the room for goodness sake. But- I felt embarrassed.

So yeah- don’t correct other kids, even mildly. This was when my son was in kindergarten and I don’t volunteer for things where I might be supervising kids anymore like field trips- not sure what to do if you can’t tell a kid in your group to not do something..

At any rate, I’d stop doing this, for sure

OP here - thank you. This is similar since one of my own kids was part of the group I was chatting with. I would like to understand why parents might be so sensitive about something like this, like the story you described. This is how kids learn how to behave and socialize. Teacher and caretakers are not always available to chime in.

No, you said aftercare brought it to your attention. That means it was already over, they’re just letting you know what happened so you can talk to both of your kids about it.

Also, have you considered that maybe it’s time for the excluded child to make their own friends? If your other child is friends with the siblings, they may (understandably) want to play with them without sibling interfering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the children were playing at your house or the park under your watch, it is fine to settle a dispute between them. You are not in a position of authority at after care and should not intervene unless a child is in immediate danger.

OP here - I understand what you are saying, but it was not like yet. All I said was (and my own kids were with the other two kids) " hey kids, Johnny loves playing with you guys and he was so upset last night. He told me that the rest of you (including my other kid) did not want to let him play xyz game with the rest of you because he is not as fast as you. But he is practicing and will catch up to your speed if you give him a chance to be part of the group"....this kind of stuff. I spoke to them nicely, and was just trying have all four kids come to a common understanding, just with good intentions.

Johnny is younger and not as physically able (yet). Johnny is annoying the older, more physically capable kids. They want and need to be able to move at their speed. Johnny needs to find friends at his physical ability/age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not clueless. I would be happy if someone talks to my child in a constructive way. My kids were there too, and I was talking to them as a group. Not sure why this is such a big issue. I find it strange. I think it is just a cultural thing. People communicate differently here.

People don’t want you correcting their child, even in a friendly way. It’s not your place.

Some (touchy) people.

The rest of us are fine with it!

Same here, I expected my kid would encounter approval and disapproval from other adults at times, part of the real world. And OP also pointed out one of the kids involved was her own kid, so if she's telling those kids not to go along with something her OWN kid did that was not ok, I would not have an issue with it.

This seems like a UMC+ version of "I'm the only one who gets to hit my kid!"

[Anonymous]

I personally only speak to other kids if they do something physically dangerous that I personally witness. That’s what my gut tells me is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not clueless. I would be happy if someone talks to my child in a constructive way. My kids were there too, and I was talking to them as a group. Not sure why this is such a big issue. I find it strange. I think it is just a cultural thing. People communicate differently here.

People don’t want you correcting their child, even in a friendly way. It’s not your place.

Some (touchy) people.

The rest of us are fine with it!

Same here, I expected my kid would encounter approval and disapproval from other adults at times, part of the real world. And OP also pointed out one of the kids involved was her own kid, so if she's telling those kids not to go along with something her OWN kid did that was not ok, I would not have an issue with it.

This seems like a UMC+ version of "I'm the only one who gets to hit my kid!"

No. We don’t even know the other kids did anything wrong. I don’t subscribe to the “everyone must play with everyone” rule. OP was mad they didn’t wait for her younger/slower kid to catch up to them. That’s not their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I coach soccer and help out a few other activities. Kids know me from that as well as from being their neighbor. If those kids greet me or talk to me, I reciprocate. I don’t usually initiate conversation because I am focused on checking my kid has all his stuff and leaving to get my other kid. If I saw an adult we knew (neighbor, coach, parent of someone we have had play dates with, a parent who volunteers at the school) taking to my kid I would not mind and would be happy my kid has a village of adults that know him. If some parent I had never met was talking to my kid it would seem a bit off.

+100. These people know each other. Their kids are friends.

OP, the kids don't sound very nice and the mother doesn't either. Maybe guide your own kids away from them and start encouraging other friendships instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback everyone. Wow, so sad that this is the way many of you think social interaction should be. At least, sad for me. This is not how I grew up and this is not what I experience back in my old country. Adults are more involved with kids there. I had no idea that talking to my kids' friends is such a crime. So sad.

What's sad is your inability to incorporate feedback into your behavior. The other parents are already letting you know they don't like the way you talk to their kids. The kids are possibly letting you know by excluding your daughter. We are all telling you that whatever you are doing, you are doing it wrong.

My DH always talks to my kids friends. They love it. They seek him out. Big smiles from the parents. Because he is actually chatting with them, being fun and friendly, and not inserting himself into a disagreement among kids in a creepy and inappropriate way. Cut it out and stop blaming your social skill deficits on "cultural differences". I bet you could learn if you tried.

.

Yikes. I would back away from you and your smiling DH

[Anonymous]

You can't control who talks to your kids. We have a grouchy old neighbor who is mean to the kids and tells them to stop playing when they are out front being loud (yet in the range of normal kid behavior, if you like kids). Some of the other parents tell their kids to ignore her. I tell my kids to listen to her and do what she says. She's old, she's our neighbor, and I don't want them continuing to do something they know is bothering someone else.

Not the end of the world. Your kids need to learn to deal with all kinds of people without falling into pieces like delicate flowers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't control who talks to your kids. We have a grouchy old neighbor who is mean to the kids and tells them to stop playing when they are out front being loud (yet in the range of normal kid behavior, if you like kids). Some of the other parents tell their kids to ignore her. I tell my kids to listen to her and do what she says. She's old, she's our neighbor, and I don't want them continuing to do something they know is bothering someone else.

Not the end of the world. Your kids need to learn to deal with all kinds of people without falling into pieces like delicate flowers.

They are are in a controlled setting, not a public park. I absolutely can and will tell aftercare to keep strange adults away from my kids. It’s literally what I’m paying them for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t discipline other people’s kids. If there’s an issue talk to the adults in charge.

Agree. OP sounds like a busy body a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control who talks to your kids. We have a grouchy old neighbor who is mean to the kids and tells them to stop playing when they are out front being loud (yet in the range of normal kid behavior, if you like kids). Some of the other parents tell their kids to ignore her. I tell my kids to listen to her and do what she says. She's old, she's our neighbor, and I don't want them continuing to do something they know is bothering someone else.

Not the end of the world. Your kids need to learn to deal with all kinds of people without falling into pieces like delicate flowers.

They are are in a controlled setting, not a public park. I absolutely can and will tell aftercare to keep strange adults away from my kids. It’s literally what I’m paying them for.

She's also a parent of kids at after care. How controlling can you be, PP, to think a fellow parent AT THE SAME AFTERCARE is a stranger? Very sad. You are the weird one to go through life with an attitude like that. Very, very weird.