Am I not supposed to talk to other people's kids at aftercare?

[Anonymous]

If the children were playing at your house or the park under your watch, it is fine to settle a dispute between them. You are not in a position of authority at after care and should not intervene unless a child is in immediate danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You did nothing wrong, OP. Some people on DCUM tend to be ready to find offense everywhere. The other parent may have felt targeted by what she viewed as your unnecessary interference, or she might have been grumpy for a reason that had nothing to do with you.

This. Hard to get the whole picture but parents can be really weird about stuff like this (which I find generally a bad thing, but it is what is is)

I was volunteering during a classroom event once and my own son and two other boys were pushing each other etc. The teacher and other parents were in the room but preoccupied. I said “hey..boys! No pushing!” and another parent called the teacher the next day to complain that “Larlo’s mom yelled at my son!” (Which I definitely didn’t lol) the parent wasn’t present at the classroom event but it was full of other parents and the teacher. The kid was apparently traumatized by this and went home and cried to his mom. The teacher was sympathetic to me as she knew I definitely didn’t yell- the was in the room for goodness sake. But- I felt embarrassed.

So yeah- don’t correct other kids, even mildly. This was when my son was in kindergarten and I don’t volunteer for things where I might be supervising kids anymore like field trips- not sure what to do if you can’t tell a kid in your group to not do something..

At any rate, I’d stop doing this, for sure

OP here - thank you. This is similar since one of my own kids was part of the group I was chatting with. I would like to understand why parents might be so sensitive about something like this, like the story you described. This is how kids learn how to behave and socialize. Teacher and caretakers are not always available to chime in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the children were playing at your house or the park under your watch, it is fine to settle a dispute between them. You are not in a position of authority at after care and should not intervene unless a child is in immediate danger.

OP here - I understand what you are saying, but it was not like yet. All I said was (and my own kids were with the other two kids) " hey kids, Johnny loves playing with you guys and he was so upset last night. He told me that the rest of you (including my other kid) did not want to let him play xyz game with the rest of you because he is not as fast as you. But he is practicing and will catch up to your speed if you give him a chance to be part of the group"....this kind of stuff. I spoke to them nicely, and was just trying have all four kids come to a common understanding, just with good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Op there's a mom at my kids school that sounds like you. Very nice, well meaning individual, generally spreading the right message, but she talks really loudly and intervenes more than she should. It's actually a little scary for the small kids who don't really know her well. She's from another country and sometimes asks if things are okay in this culture, so your post reminded me of her. I'd like to ask her kindly to tone it down a bit.

In general, I think that more parents should be able to talk with other kids and ask questions to make sure kids are not being excluded. In your particular case, since you didn't witness it, I'd tread lightly. But I'd have no problem if you had a small chat along the lines of "is there anything we can do to make sure everyone feels welcome and included?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, ok thanks. It was a group thing, meaning my other kid and those other kids excluded my other kid. And the aftercare teachers reported it to me. So, of course I talked to my own kid about it that night. Since the four kids are friendly, I thought i would also chat about it with the other two kids. I don't think I am annoying; I guess I did not understand that when I pick up my kids and sometimes have to wait 15 or minutes while they are still playing and getting ready, I am not allowed to talk in a friendly way to the other kids. Guess it must be a cultural thing. I would not be offended, in fact, I would be happy if someone did the same to my kids. As I said, it was done in a friendly way. Anyway, will talk to the director tomorrow and now I know.

Since you don’t think you’re annoying when multiple people have said you were you ahould doubt whether you were truly friendly. A kid being “talked to” in a disciplinary way by an adult they don’t know or trust without a trusted adult or parent around is not friendly. It wasn’t your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the children were playing at your house or the park under your watch, it is fine to settle a dispute between them. You are not in a position of authority at after care and should not intervene unless a child is in immediate danger.

OP here - I understand what you are saying, but it was not like yet. All I said was (and my own kids were with the other two kids) " hey kids, Johnny loves playing with you guys and he was so upset last night. He told me that the rest of you (including my other kid) did not want to let him play xyz game with the rest of you because he is not as fast as you. But he is practicing and will catch up to your speed if you give him a chance to be part of the group"....this kind of stuff. I spoke to them nicely, and was just trying have all four kids come to a common understanding, just with good intentions.

You also just ensured no kids at aftercare will ever play with your kid again.

[Anonymous]

Not OP - I think you guys are way over protective.

Of course other adults should not yell at your kid or touch them. But nicely explaining what they did was not nice and asking them to do differently - there is no reason this should be viewed as out of bounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is wrong of you to correct someone else’s child. You are an adult and their parents did not put you in charge. Of course the mom is upset! You can’t really be this clueless!?

This is a terrible, terrible attitude that yes, is prevalent in our society today. Kids need guidance from adults in their community. Period. You should not punish a child who is not your own, but talking to them about their behavior is not punishment. You should not yell, dress down, or punish in any way, but kids need a variety of adults in their lives and community to talk to them about stuff - including their actions. If my neighbor sees my kid cross the street without checking for cars - she should be able to say “hey, remember to look for cars, that’s dangerous.” OP’s own kids was involved in the excluding. She wasn’t yelling at the kid or making a scene. There’s nothing wrong with Telling the other kids “I talked to A last night about how you were all excluding B yesterday and so you know, that is not acceptable in our family and I’ve told A that it’s not ok to do. I hope you will help A be a better brother/sister too and not exclude B in the future.” People are way to sensitive about this and it is NOT good for kids. Of course no one should yell at or lay hands on another person’s kid. But having a convo about acceptable behavior is something adults should be able to do with kids, and kids can discuss with their own parents if they think the adult is wrong. Their own parents can tell them to ignore it if they think it’s wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP - I think you guys are way over protective.

Of course other adults should not yell at your kid or touch them. But nicely explaining what they did was not nice and asking them to do differently - there is no reason this should be viewed as out of bounds.

+1 plus kids listen differently to different adults in their life. I can tell my kid 10 times not to kick the seat on the airplane, but when the person in front turns around and says “could you please stop kicking the seat, it’s very uncomfortable for me” it stops immediately. Parents tell their kids to do so many things that kids can’t always distinguish which things are just things their parents want them to do and which things affect other people. Sometimes those other people need to tell them (kindly and politely) how they are affected. This is good for kids, good for parents, and good for the community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is wrong of you to correct someone else’s child. You are an adult and their parents did not put you in charge. Of course the mom is upset! You can’t really be this clueless!?

This is a terrible, terrible attitude that yes, is prevalent in our society today. Kids need guidance from adults in their community. Period. You should not punish a child who is not your own, but talking to them about their behavior is not punishment. You should not yell, dress down, or punish in any way, but kids need a variety of adults in their lives and community to talk to them about stuff - including their actions. If my neighbor sees my kid cross the street without checking for cars - she should be able to say “hey, remember to look for cars, that’s dangerous.” OP’s own kids was involved in the excluding. She wasn’t yelling at the kid or making a scene. There’s nothing wrong with Telling the other kids “I talked to A last night about how you were all excluding B yesterday and so you know, that is not acceptable in our family and I’ve told A that it’s not ok to do. I hope you will help A be a better brother/sister too and not exclude B in the future.” People are way to sensitive about this and it is NOT good for kids. Of course no one should yell at or lay hands on another person’s kid. But having a convo about acceptable behavior is something adults should be able to do with kids, and kids can discuss with their own parents if they think the adult is wrong. Their own parents can tell them to ignore it if they think it’s wrong.

+1... people need to chill on this thread. If my child was doing something wrong and another adult was there to witness it, the adult should absolutely intervene. The parents who say otherwise are the snowflake parents who think their child could do no wrong. Or should we just sit back and watch Larlo tell your DC how ugly and stupid they are? Please use common sense here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, ok thanks. It was a group thing, meaning my other kid and those other kids excluded my other kid. And the aftercare teachers reported it to me. So, of course I talked to my own kid about it that night. Since the four kids are friendly, I thought i would also chat about it with the other two kids. I don't think I am annoying; I guess I did not understand that when I pick up my kids and sometimes have to wait 15 or minutes while they are still playing and getting ready, I am not allowed to talk in a friendly way to the other kids. Guess it must be a cultural thing. I would not be offended, in fact, I would be happy if someone did the same to my kids. As I said, it was done in a friendly way. Anyway, will talk to the director tomorrow and now I know.

The aftercare teachers already addressed it, so there's no need for you to go in the next day and bring it up again. You need to let your kid learn to how resolve conflicts without your (late) interference.

Also, to address the part in bold above - don't hang around for 15 minutes. You're probably getting in the way. I'm sure the teachers are very nice about it, but really just get your kids and get out.

[Anonymous]

Wow, aftercare needs to step up and step in to prevent you having access to interact with the children that are not yours, nor in your care.

You should have access to your child only, and address issues with your child and the aftercare staff only.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. My daughter goes to aftercare with a bunch of friends. There's 3 of them that are very close. Something happens once a week between them, because they are quite like sisters. I have no trouble talking to all 3 of them, because I'm very close with their parents. We all hang out, we all pick each other up, and we've all chatted to the girls before for one thing or another.

Now if it involved a kid whose parents I didn't know this well? No way would I talk to that child. That's not appropriate. I don't have nearly enough information to say anything appropriate. I don't know that kid, nor their family. Yes, my child knows that kid a bit, but if they only know each other from aftercare it may not be that well. And if the mom doesn't want to be friendly with you her kids may be saying some colorful things about you (and your kids) to her. Back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. My daughter goes to aftercare with a bunch of friends. There's 3 of them that are very close. Something happens once a week between them, because they are quite like sisters. I have no trouble talking to all 3 of them, because I'm very close with their parents. We all hang out, we all pick each other up, and we've all chatted to the girls before for one thing or another.

Now if it involved a kid whose parents I didn't know this well? No way would I talk to that child. That's not appropriate. I don't have nearly enough information to say anything appropriate. I don't know that kid, nor their family. Yes, my child knows that kid a bit, but if they only know each other from aftercare it may not be that well. And if the mom doesn't want to be friendly with you her kids may be saying some colorful things about you (and your kids) to her. Back off.

HAHAHA! Sorry not the OP! I don't know where I was going in the beginning of that. Where is my coffee....

[Anonymous]

I was in downtown Bethesda the other evening and a bunch of out of control tweens were climbing on the chain that opens and shuts a garage door leading to the dumpsters of a business. Everyone was just walking by. I shouted from across the street, "Hey, cut that out. Bad idea. You could get killed." They were shocked. But then -- they stopped.

Seriously, all the people on this thread who think they have a right to tell other parents not to interact with their property -- er, children -- need to realize that those kids are also existing in the real world that they share with others. You cannot control whether or not other people talk directly to your children in the world, and you're not doing them any favors by raising them to believe they're in a portable bubble. It will end, and your kids won't know how to behave and others will ignore them, and they will be killed by a commercial garage door closing on them or choking them to death. But hey, no one spoke to your precious kids.