Am I not supposed to talk to other people's kids at aftercare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is wrong of you to correct someone else’s child. You are an adult and their parents did not put you in charge. Of course the mom is upset! You can’t really be this clueless!?

This is a terrible, terrible attitude that yes, is prevalent in our society today. Kids need guidance from adults in their community. Period. You should not punish a child who is not your own, but talking to them about their behavior is not punishment. You should not yell, dress down, or punish in any way, but kids need a variety of adults in their lives and community to talk to them about stuff - including their actions. If my neighbor sees my kid cross the street without checking for cars - she should be able to say “hey, remember to look for cars, that’s dangerous.” OP’s own kids was involved in the excluding. She wasn’t yelling at the kid or making a scene. There’s nothing wrong with Telling the other kids “I talked to A last night about how you were all excluding B yesterday and so you know, that is not acceptable in our family and I’ve told A that it’s not ok to do. I hope you will help A be a better brother/sister too and not exclude B in the future.” People are way to sensitive about this and it is NOT good for kids. Of course no one should yell at or lay hands on another person’s kid. But having a convo about acceptable behavior is something adults should be able to do with kids, and kids can discuss with their own parents if they think the adult is wrong. Their own parents can tell them to ignore it if they think it’s wrong.

NP and I could not disagree more. This isn't about no adults ever disciplining, it's about WHICH adults are in charge and should do so. OP was not there when the exclusion happened, and if she has an issue with how her child is excluded during play, she should bring that up to the aftercare staff, not talk to the children directly, since they do not know her. Her other option is to mention this to the parents directly.

That is completely different from a situation where a child seems a child doing something (aka is a witness) and that involves physical danger. I had a neighbor report to me that my child took off on a bike without a helmet. I would have been fine if she spoke to my child directly, but coming to me was ok too. I think the pp who said "no pushing" in the classroom was in the right as well - she was in the classroom when it happened and it was a physical act she was putting a stop to.

[Anonymous]

I coach soccer and help out a few other activities. Kids know me from that as well as from being their neighbor. If those kids greet me or talk to me, I reciprocate. I don’t usually initiate conversation because I am focused on checking my kid has all his stuff and leaving to get my other kid. If I saw an adult we knew (neighbor, coach, parent of someone we have had play dates with, a parent who volunteers at the school) taking to my kid I would not mind and would be happy my kid has a village of adults that know him. If some parent I had never met was talking to my kid it would seem a bit off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback everyone. Wow, so sad that this is the way many of you think social interaction should be. At least, sad for me. This is not how I grew up and this is not what I experience back in my old country. Adults are more involved with kids there. I had no idea that talking to my kids' friends is such a crime. So sad.

How long have you been here? I know plenty of immigrants, but have never seen any engage in the behavior you're defending. Instead of a "friendly chat" it likely comes off as lecturing.

I'm not an immigrant. I was born in the Nation's capitol, and I don't hesitate to talk to other people's children. How absurd to claim others don't have a right to interact with your children. Home school them if that's how you feel, and don't take them out in public either.

You mention "old country" which is why I assumed you're an immigrant, but okay, whatever.

I'm not sure what your limitations are, but you're completing misinterpreting what other PPs and I are telling you. Lecturing other kids about their behavior can be viewed as pushy, helicoptering behavior, especially when you don't know the whole story re: what has transpired between children. If you can't understand that this is how others are viewing your behavior, I don't know what else to tell you.

You can either continue your current MO and continue to get negative reactions from other parents, or you can consider what people are saying here.

I am not the OP. My point was that you don't have to be "from the old country" to talk to other people's kids. According to the OP, that's what she was doing. She was not lecturing them or chastising them. She was talking to them, and to her own kids.

Why the hell shouldn't I talk to my kids' friends? Ridiculous.

SHE says she wasn't lecturing or chastising, but given the reaction of the other parents, I have suspicions about that. The kids may say something different if they could post here, and likely are telling their parents accordingly and that's why OP is getting that reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is wrong of you to correct someone else’s child. You are an adult and their parents did not put you in charge. Of course the mom is upset! You can’t really be this clueless!?

This is a terrible, terrible attitude that yes, is prevalent in our society today. Kids need guidance from adults in their community. Period. You should not punish a child who is not your own, but talking to them about their behavior is not punishment. You should not yell, dress down, or punish in any way, but kids need a variety of adults in their lives and community to talk to them about stuff - including their actions. If my neighbor sees my kid cross the street without checking for cars - she should be able to say “hey, remember to look for cars, that’s dangerous.” OP’s own kids was involved in the excluding. She wasn’t yelling at the kid or making a scene. There’s nothing wrong with Telling the other kids “I talked to A last night about how you were all excluding B yesterday and so you know, that is not acceptable in our family and I’ve told A that it’s not ok to do. I hope you will help A be a better brother/sister too and not exclude B in the future.” People are way to sensitive about this and it is NOT good for kids. Of course no one should yell at or lay hands on another person’s kid. But having a convo about acceptable behavior is something adults should be able to do with kids, and kids can discuss with their own parents if they think the adult is wrong. Their own parents can tell them to ignore it if they think it’s wrong.

NP and I could not disagree more. This isn't about no adults ever disciplining, it's about WHICH adults are in charge and should do so. OP was not there when the exclusion happened, and if she has an issue with how her child is excluded during play, she should bring that up to the aftercare staff, not talk to the children directly, since they do not know her. Her other option is to mention this to the parents directly.

That is completely different from a situation where a child seems a child doing something (aka is a witness) and that involves physical danger. I had a neighbor report to me that my child took off on a bike without a helmet. I would have been fine if she spoke to my child directly, but coming to me was ok too. I think the pp who said "no pushing" in the classroom was in the right as well - she was in the classroom when it happened and it was a physical act she was putting a stop to.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Op you are fine. The teacher was there when you said something. They would tell you if you overstepped. There are a lot of bad parents here who do not kno how to be parents. They pretend it is cultural, but it is not. Functional families will be ok, but you really have no idea who is functional here. Carry on doing what you are doing as long as you can correct children in a positive and kind way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback everyone. Wow, so sad that this is the way many of you think social interaction should be. At least, sad for me. This is not how I grew up and this is not what I experience back in my old country. Adults are more involved with kids there. I had no idea that talking to my kids' friends is such a crime. So sad.

What's sad is your inability to incorporate feedback into your behavior. The other parents are already letting you know they don't like the way you talk to their kids. The kids are possibly letting you know by excluding your daughter. We are all telling you that whatever you are doing, you are doing it wrong.

My DH always talks to my kids friends. They love it. They seek him out. Big smiles from the parents. Because he is actually chatting with them, being fun and friendly, and not inserting himself into a disagreement among kids in a creepy and inappropriate way. Cut it out and stop blaming your social skill deficits on "cultural differences". I bet you could learn if you tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback everyone. Wow, so sad that this is the way many of you think social interaction should be. At least, sad for me. This is not how I grew up and this is not what I experience back in my old country. Adults are more involved with kids there. I had no idea that talking to my kids' friends is such a crime. So sad.

What's sad is your inability to incorporate feedback into your behavior. The other parents are already letting you know they don't like the way you talk to their kids. The kids are possibly letting you know by excluding your daughter. We are all telling you that whatever you are doing, you are doing it wrong.

My DH always talks to my kids friends. They love it. They seek him out. Big smiles from the parents. Because he is actually chatting with them, being fun and friendly, and not inserting himself into a disagreement among kids in a creepy and inappropriate way. Cut it out and stop blaming your social skill deficits on "cultural differences". I bet you could learn if you tried.

It sounds like the parent of the other kids was there while you were having this talk? In that case, I think you talk to the other parent and present a united front to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the children were playing at your house or the park under your watch, it is fine to settle a dispute between them. You are not in a position of authority at after care and should not intervene unless a child is in immediate danger.

OP here - I understand what you are saying, but it was not like yet. All I said was (and my own kids were with the other two kids) " hey kids, Johnny loves playing with you guys and he was so upset last night. He told me that the rest of you (including my other kid) did not want to let him play xyz game with the rest of you because he is not as fast as you. But he is practicing and will catch up to your speed if you give him a chance to be part of the group"....this kind of stuff. I spoke to them nicely, and was just trying have all four kids come to a common understanding, just with good intentions.

Nope. You were guilting them into playing with your kid. It’s not your place to force other kids to include yours. Doesn’t matter that one of them was yours.

This is a parenting choice, which is why I personally would have addressed it with the other kids as something I have instructed my child about, and that I hope they will help my child with (but not exactly tell them they have to do it). However, my child is not allowed to exclude their sibling in this way. I don't think it's a problem to tell the other kids you have told sibling A that and it would be nice if they help out as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is wrong of you to correct someone else’s child. You are an adult and their parents did not put you in charge. Of course the mom is upset! You can’t really be this clueless!?

This is a terrible, terrible attitude that yes, is prevalent in our society today. Kids need guidance from adults in their community. Period. You should not punish a child who is not your own, but talking to them about their behavior is not punishment. You should not yell, dress down, or punish in any way, but kids need a variety of adults in their lives and community to talk to them about stuff - including their actions. If my neighbor sees my kid cross the street without checking for cars - she should be able to say “hey, remember to look for cars, that’s dangerous.” OP’s own kids was involved in the excluding. She wasn’t yelling at the kid or making a scene. There’s nothing wrong with Telling the other kids “I talked to A last night about how you were all excluding B yesterday and so you know, that is not acceptable in our family and I’ve told A that it’s not ok to do. I hope you will help A be a better brother/sister too and not exclude B in the future.” People are way to sensitive about this and it is NOT good for kids. Of course no one should yell at or lay hands on another person’s kid. But having a convo about acceptable behavior is something adults should be able to do with kids, and kids can discuss with their own parents if they think the adult is wrong. Their own parents can tell them to ignore it if they think it’s wrong.

NP and I could not disagree more. This isn't about no adults ever disciplining, it's about WHICH adults are in charge and should do so. OP was not there when the exclusion happened, and if she has an issue with how her child is excluded during play, she should bring that up to the aftercare staff, not talk to the children directly, since they do not know her. Her other option is to mention this to the parents directly.

That is completely different from a situation where a child seems a child doing something (aka is a witness) and that involves physical danger. I had a neighbor report to me that my child took off on a bike without a helmet. I would have been fine if she spoke to my child directly, but coming to me was ok too. I think the pp who said "no pushing" in the classroom was in the right as well - she was in the classroom when it happened and it was a physical act she was putting a stop to.

Her third option is to tell her kid who was doing the excluding that they can't do that and that they can't play with the other two if the other two are excluding his/her sibling. But that seems even more obnoxious than just talking to the kids. If you see the other parent all the time, then I could see talking to the parent about it, but at aftercare you never know if you are picking up at the same time as others or not. You may not see the parent the next day, or that week at all. I think talking to the kids in a friendly/calm way, with the aftercare staff right there able to intervene it it's inappropriate is fine. There's just nothing wrong with doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is wrong of you to correct someone else’s child. You are an adult and their parents did not put you in charge. Of course the mom is upset! You can’t really be this clueless!?

This is a terrible, terrible attitude that yes, is prevalent in our society today. Kids need guidance from adults in their community. Period. You should not punish a child who is not your own, but talking to them about their behavior is not punishment. You should not yell, dress down, or punish in any way, but kids need a variety of adults in their lives and community to talk to them about stuff - including their actions. If my neighbor sees my kid cross the street without checking for cars - she should be able to say “hey, remember to look for cars, that’s dangerous.” OP’s own kids was involved in the excluding. She wasn’t yelling at the kid or making a scene. There’s nothing wrong with Telling the other kids “I talked to A last night about how you were all excluding B yesterday and so you know, that is not acceptable in our family and I’ve told A that it’s not ok to do. I hope you will help A be a better brother/sister too and not exclude B in the future.” People are way to sensitive about this and it is NOT good for kids. Of course no one should yell at or lay hands on another person’s kid. But having a convo about acceptable behavior is something adults should be able to do with kids, and kids can discuss with their own parents if they think the adult is wrong. Their own parents can tell them to ignore it if they think it’s wrong.

NP and I could not disagree more. This isn't about no adults ever disciplining, it's about WHICH adults are in charge and should do so. OP was not there when the exclusion happened, and if she has an issue with how her child is excluded during play, she should bring that up to the aftercare staff, not talk to the children directly, since they do not know her. Her other option is to mention this to the parents directly.

That is completely different from a situation where a child seems a child doing something (aka is a witness) and that involves physical danger. I had a neighbor report to me that my child took off on a bike without a helmet. I would have been fine if she spoke to my child directly, but coming to me was ok too. I think the pp who said "no pushing" in the classroom was in the right as well - she was in the classroom when it happened and it was a physical act she was putting a stop to.

Her third option is to tell her kid who was doing the excluding that they can't do that and that they can't play with the other two if the other two are excluding his/her sibling. But that seems even more obnoxious than just talking to the kids. If you see the other parent all the time, then I could see talking to the parent about it, but at aftercare you never know if you are picking up at the same time as others or not. You may not see the parent the next day, or that week at all. I think talking to the kids in a friendly/calm way, with the aftercare staff right there able to intervene it it's inappropriate is fine. There's just nothing wrong with doing that.

No, using your position as an adult to influence and discipline other people's children regarding a social interaction with your child that you were NOT there to witness is NOT ok. All parents in the program have agreed to the supervision of the aftercare staff and those are the adults who should be intervening if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the children were playing at your house or the park under your watch, it is fine to settle a dispute between them. You are not in a position of authority at after care and should not intervene unless a child is in immediate danger.

OP here - I understand what you are saying, but it was not like yet. All I said was (and my own kids were with the other two kids) " hey kids, Johnny loves playing with you guys and he was so upset last night. He told me that the rest of you (including my other kid) did not want to let him play xyz game with the rest of you because he is not as fast as you. But he is practicing and will catch up to your speed if you give him a chance to be part of the group"....this kind of stuff. I spoke to them nicely, and was just trying have all four kids come to a common understanding, just with good intentions.

Nope. You were guilting them into playing with your kid. It’s not your place to force other kids to include yours. Doesn’t matter that one of them was yours.

This is a parenting choice, which is why I personally would have addressed it with the other kids as something I have instructed my child about, and that I hope they will help my child with (but not exactly tell them they have to do it). However, my child is not allowed to exclude their sibling in this way. I don't think it's a problem to tell the other kids you have told sibling A that and it would be nice if they help out as well.

Parenting choices refer to your own kids. Not other people's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback everyone. Wow, so sad that this is the way many of you think social interaction should be. At least, sad for me. This is not how I grew up and this is not what I experience back in my old country. Adults are more involved with kids there. I had no idea that talking to my kids' friends is such a crime. So sad.

What's sad is your inability to incorporate feedback into your behavior. The other parents are already letting you know they don't like the way you talk to their kids. The kids are possibly letting you know by excluding your daughter. We are all telling you that whatever you are doing, you are doing it wrong.

My DH always talks to my kids friends. They love it. They seek him out. Big smiles from the parents. Because he is actually chatting with them, being fun and friendly, and not inserting himself into a disagreement among kids in a creepy and inappropriate way. Cut it out and stop blaming your social skill deficits on "cultural differences". I bet you could learn if you tried.

Agree entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback everyone. Wow, so sad that this is the way many of you think social interaction should be. At least, sad for me. This is not how I grew up and this is not what I experience back in my old country. Adults are more involved with kids there. I had no idea that talking to my kids' friends is such a crime. So sad.

What's sad is your inability to incorporate feedback into your behavior. The other parents are already letting you know they don't like the way you talk to their kids. The kids are possibly letting you know by excluding your daughter. We are all telling you that whatever you are doing, you are doing it wrong.

My DH always talks to my kids friends. They love it. They seek him out. Big smiles from the parents. Because he is actually chatting with them, being fun and friendly, and not inserting himself into a disagreement among kids in a creepy and inappropriate way. Cut it out and stop blaming your social skill deficits on "cultural differences". I bet you could learn if you tried.

Agree entirely.

I think if the OP and the other parent are "not friendly" (her words), there are a lot of other interactions at play here.

[Anonymous]

You wrote that your relationship is not friendly with the other parents, so why would you expect them to look positively at you lecturing their kids? If the relationship was positive, they may have looked at the interaction in a slightly more positive light. Still, I wouldn’t be too thrilled with someone lecturing my kids, and definitely not someone I have a cold “hello-hello” relationship with.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe aftercare allows you to speak to the other kids about a situation at all.

You should only be allowed to speak with the aftercare workers and the other parent when a situation arises. And also, many little minor situations like this should just 100% be worked out by the kids and dealt with by aftercare only.