Am I not supposed to talk to other people's kids at aftercare?

[Anonymous]

Completely NP here, as I originally thought this thread was just about saying hi to kids in aftercare. Now that I know OP was trying to mediate a conflict between her child and other kids, I have to weigh in on the side of "OP Is Wrong."

Having the mother of one of the kids in the conflict engage with the conflict shifts the power dynamic in a really unhealthy way. It's not good for anyone, not for the kids who are suddenly being ganged up on by an adult, and not for the OP's child, who doesn't learn to mediate their own minor elementary school drama.

That's why parents really need to stay out of this stuff, as they don't have the entire context, and they would never be able to engage objectively even if they did have the entire context.

The aftercare provider is a perfectly appropriate mediator, if mediation is necessary, because they aren't emotionally tied to any of the kids.

OP was wrong. The other parent was absolutely correct. Also, I've lived all over the world and I am struggling to figure out where OP might be from where this is common. Most cultures are MORE interested in letting kids mediate their own conflict, not LESS.

[Anonymous]

I have read the whole thread.

I live on the west coast. I ALWAYS talk to kids and make small talk. Complimenting them, asking about their day or activities, things like that. If I have a problem with how my kid is behaving, I bring it up with my kid directly. When I am responsible for supervising kids (either when volunteering at school or on field trips) I use language like, "I'm uncomfortable with you doing X because I am worried you will get hurt. Can you get climb down please?"

OP, you have been super defensive on this thread and it seems like you aren't listening. My kids are 4 yrs apart in school and there have been times that I instructed my older kid to be nicer to his little brother. The power dynamics were all off in what you did and you should have spoken to your older child at home about it if you wanted your older kid to not exclude the younger one. Period.

I hope you have learned something from this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I teach my kids to be respectful. Not scream like maniacs.

We are all entitled to our parenting philosophies. I didn't want my children to be deferential to any adult just because. Their teachers or parents of their friends who they were told to mind have never complained. A random adult buttonholing my kids doesn't deserve respect.

I do teach my kids to be respectful "just because." That's how we treat others, and how I teach my kids to treat others. They can't get in the car with anyone without my permission, but -- speaking to them? Of course they should be respectful of others "just because." I already posted this, but we have a cranky neighbor who doesn't like it when kids play out front. I teach my kids to be respectful of her and stop playing when she tells them to -- even though their friends' parents teach their kids to be indignant in response. How in the world can we have a functioning society if children are allowed to tell adults what is acceptable? Or to shout "YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!" when someone they actually interact with requests something of them?

Absurd.

I think it’s absurd that she’s allowed to tell your kids whether they’re allowed to play in front of their own home.

We live in a community. We respect each other's right to live in peace. One of the things she objects to is balls that end up going into the bushes and breaking branches. So now the kids have stopped playing ball and are simply breaking branches off of the bushes for spite. (I suspect it's some parents of those kids doing it as well.) Mean-spirited, vindictive, vengeful -- THOSE are not the neighbors I want near me. Cranky old lady, I can live with. I see nothing wrong with teaching my kids to modify their behavior to suit a cranky old lady. It's living with each other. Being respectful. A better way to live.

I don’t care how cranky my neighbor is. They can play with something else, as I do agree that balls going into her yard aren’t acceptable. But as long as they’re in their own yard, kids get to play with something they can keep in the yard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can be irritating when others correct your kids. Not in all circumstances- but over the holidays we hosted Christmas dinner and my BIL and SIL who have no kids like to correct and direct my kids. For example, we were all sitting down to the table and waiting for people to get served food and my three year old is sitting nicely with his new transformer at table while we are waiting to start eating. My SIL says "No toys at the table Larlo." Where she is getting this rule, as it is our house and our table and he is not being disruptive at all, I don't know. I ignore her and say he needs to put away the toy once everyone gets their food.

While we are opening presents in a room strewn with wrapping paper all over and my three year old is opening up a candy that he received and lets the wrapper drop to the floor- BIL says "Pick that up and put it in that bowl over there." The whole party has been letting paper fall where it may! The problem is that this puts me in the position of having to enforce or not enforce their random directives and rules. What they are choosing to nitpick may not be something that I think is worth the battle to enforce.

Yes, if it is something that is a safety issue or egregious, but otherwise, don't correct other people's kids, especially when you are a guest in their home. It can also come across as critical to the kid and parents if you feel the liberty to intervene with their child over minor things.

My BIL tried to correct something else minor my kid was doing and I said "If there is a behavior that needs addressing I will do it."

They probably feel that they and your son are part of the same family and thus they are able to also give him direction. Maybe your kid feels good knowing he's part of a network of adults who are raising him.

If this bugs you, you should teach your kid not to take it personally, that BIL and SIL mean well, etc.

Parent is standing there. Interfering adult has no children. They shouldn’t interfere. I vote for listen and ignore with people who have actually raised children, not people without any experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we are traveling, and I have not been able to check in. Wow, I am seeing some crazy comments here. I am not going to go into more details about how things exactly happened and how our aftercare functions, but many of the things some of you described is incorrect.

It is surprising to me how some of you view the world. The way you think no-one but you should be able to talk to your child. I am not a stranger to those kid; the four kids (my two and the other two siblings) spend the entire afternoon together in aftercare 5 days a week, every single week. They are friends. Most of the time I arrive a bit earlier than the other Mother and the kids are playing together and I say hello to those other kids. They are nice kids, nice to me and my kids. But kids fight, but next day they make up. The kids are nice. The mother is not friendly and never says hello to me or my kids. Maybe she thinks that's normal, but it is not normal for me. The aftercare does not have sufficient supervision. I was nice to those kids when I chatted with them. It was not a lecture. It was a usual chat and I included maybe once sentence about what happened the day before. And the next day all four of them played together again, as they usually do.

There is so much drama in E.S. aftercare, it is not easy sometimes to manage kids of different grade levels who are still learning how to socialize. It's much more challenging than the regular classrooms where kids are more or less the same age.

You don’t get it. In their mind, you’re two friends’ parent and maybe an adult acquaintance. You aren’t a friend of the parent or child. You only know the kids in one small way, and it does NOT give you the right to act like you know how their parent wants them act!

Of course I am not the Mother's friend, and not a friend of the two kids. I am the mother of my kids' friends. We have invited these kids to my kids b'day party. Those two kids have invited my kids to their b'day party. They have attended a common friend's birthday party. I am not representing their Mother when I talk to them. Don't be so weird. There is no such rule that only the parents can talk to children. People do not live in their individual bubbles. We are all part of a community. Too bad that many of you prefer to isolate your kids from natural human interaction. And sorry, but my kids are not the snowflakes and I am not the helicopter parent. It's the other way around. You are the helicopter parents and your kids are the snowflakes - those who posted that no other adults should be able to interact with their kids. Thank god I did not grow up in a society with these kind of values. Must be exhausting, fearful and very isolating.

I work in childcare, and I volunteer at school. Unlike you, I’m VERY careful about how I approach discipline for kids whom I have never been granted authority.

She was not "disciplining" them. Good grief, she was simply talking to them. As has been clarified over and over and over.

She brought up an incident that was over and done. Since aftercare told her about it, they were already aware and had handled it. Yes, that considered inappropriate with someone else’s children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP here, as I originally thought this thread was just about saying hi to kids in aftercare. Now that I know OP was trying to mediate a conflict between her child and other kids, I have to weigh in on the side of "OP Is Wrong."

Having the mother of one of the kids in the conflict engage with the conflict shifts the power dynamic in a really unhealthy way. It's not good for anyone, not for the kids who are suddenly being ganged up on by an adult, and not for the OP's child, who doesn't learn to mediate their own minor elementary school drama.

That's why parents really need to stay out of this stuff, as they don't have the entire context, and they would never be able to engage objectively even if they did have the entire context.

The aftercare provider is a perfectly appropriate mediator, if mediation is necessary, because they aren't emotionally tied to any of the kids.

OP was wrong. The other parent was absolutely correct. Also, I've lived all over the world and I am struggling to figure out where OP might be from where this is common. Most cultures are MORE interested in letting kids mediate their own conflict, not LESS.

I can’t think of anywhere else that it would have been brought up if OP didn’t witness it and it was already over.

[Anonymous]

My favorite part of the updates is how OP asked the aftercare provider whether she was in the right and the aftercare provider of course gave a wishy washy answer as if they can tell op “no and you’re weird and everyone dislikes you” but OP takes it as a full vindication.

Op, you knew by the reactions you got this wasn’t a good choice. There’s a reason you asked this question. Most people don’t like hearing the advice they most need to hear, that’s just human. You’re digging in but this doesn’t even affect us. It will continue to affect your kids mostly and you secondarily. Fighting us and not taking our advice will only make your kids’ life harder as they go through school. So consider do you care more about making sure your kids aren’t outcasted by your behavior or winning a stupid internet argument?

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the feedback, and I am happy that some of them are sane! I talked to a couple of my friends in the past few days and now I understand (plus from your comments) that I am not supposed to this. I can only make small talk - this is the culture here. Did not know. How sad. So are the many creepy remarks to my very normal and human interaction and reaction. But ok, now I know how I am supposed to behave and will try my best. By the way, my two kids and the other two kids were talking about having a playdate at our house, so as you can see, obviously the other two kids do not have any issues with me. Not sure if their parent will agree to it though. We shall see. We have plenty of other playdates, but have never had one with these two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback, and I am happy that some of them are sane! I talked to a couple of my friends in the past few days and now I understand (plus from your comments) that I am not supposed to this. I can only make small talk - this is the culture here. Did not know. How sad. So are the many creepy remarks to my very normal and human interaction and reaction. But ok, now I know how I am supposed to behave and will try my best. By the way, my two kids and the other two kids were talking about having a playdate at our house, so as you can see, obviously the other two kids do not have any issues with me. Not sure if their parent will agree to it though. We shall see. We have plenty of other playdates, but have never had one with these two kids.

Sounds like it was a good learning experience for you and no harm was done! Thank you for the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback, and I am happy that some of them are sane! I talked to a couple of my friends in the past few days and now I understand (plus from your comments) that I am not supposed to this. I can only make small talk - this is the culture here. Did not know. How sad. So are the many creepy remarks to my very normal and human interaction and reaction. But ok, now I know how I am supposed to behave and will try my best. By the way, my two kids and the other two kids were talking about having a playdate at our house, so as you can see, obviously the other two kids do not have any issues with me. Not sure if their parent will agree to it though. We shall see. We have plenty of other playdates, but have never had one with these two kids.

Sounds like it was a good learning experience for you and no harm was done! Thank you for the update.

Dear OP - I feel your pain. I can understand how culture plays a major role in shaping Different attitudes to community and parenting. In my country, and in OS postings, it has definitely felt more normal for non parent adults to correct kids. I personally welcome adults explaining to my kid in kind and normal ways when she is being unkind or exclusionary or thoughtless in some way. I also welcome any diplomatic efforts to promote her safety which is complicated these days as kids get older due to social media internet usage. This happened often in our last country posting, and I truly appreciated corrections/ gentle redirections offered with love and kindness, which they nearly always were.

However, people here in the DC area do not usually welcome input into social dynamics from other parents. It can actually be quite stressful navigating boundaries when you are responsible for child safety at parties/ scout events/ volunteer events or whatever..

Nonetheless, there are many wonderful parents, children, and care takers/ teachers here and it gets easier to adapt to different parenting approaches he longer one is here.

Best wishes and I do hope that you are able to befriend the other parent eventually. It is so easy for misunderstandings to cause unnecessary frictions.

[Anonymous]

You can say whatever you want to to my kids, as long as you do it in a tone that is adult, not angry, as it is clear OP did.

My kids know how to talk to adults. They can do thinks like look them in the eye, respond to questions, be polite. They are going to blaze past your snowflakes in the world outside this creepy weird uptight culture, while your kids will grow up to be like Pharma Bro. Yuck.