Am I not supposed to talk to other people's kids at aftercare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - guys, it's fine. I get it: in this society, many parents don't know how to handle if another adult engages with their kid. No further comments needed, thanks. I talked to the aftercare provider and the person said I did nothing wrong and the other parent is just very defensive, probably has her reasons, who knows what's going on in their life. I would be happy if this happened to my kids and I would welcome helpful interactions from other adults. So that's it, no further comments needed, thanks for your feedback, all!

So, you asked a question, people gave you lots of different perspectives, and your takeaway is that your initial idea is the right one and everyone else is wrong. Were you really interested in hearing what other people think, or did you just want everyone to know what you think?

You nailed it, PP. This particular OP is not actually here for advice, and is never going to acknowledge that she handled the aftercare situation poorly. Hopefully, though, this thread may at least be helpful to other socially challenged people who are more self-aware than OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- helicopter parents, calm down. I asked aftercare provider if I did something wrong and what the rules of engagement were and if it was against the rules to engage with friends of my kids. I am not going to explain every detail of the situation. Aftercare provider is very professional. I don’t want to be friends with other parent, but find her rude, given the circumstances, i. e. Kids have bern friends for a few years now. My post was asking if I am not supposed to talk to other kids at aftercare. I was not asking for your opinion if you think I am nice or not. I know I am nice to those kids and all of my kids’ friends. I did nothing wrong, but I know that many parents are sensitive if the parent of their friend will talk to them, unless it is telling them how wonderful they are or if do small talk.

Did you question about talking to the kids or scolding/disciplining them? There’s a HUGE difference...

[Anonymous]

Op, what background are you from? I’m curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - guys, it's fine. I get it: in this society, many parents don't know how to handle if another adult engages with their kid. No further comments needed, thanks. I talked to the aftercare provider and the person said I did nothing wrong and the other parent is just very defensive, probably has her reasons, who knows what's going on in their life. I would be happy if this happened to my kids and I would welcome helpful interactions from other adults. So that's it, no further comments needed, thanks for your feedback, all!

I would not want a creepy lady talking to my kid at aftercare. I would even consider changing aftercares if some strange lady I didn’t like was engaging my kid.

I am 100% fine with my friends and family talking to my kid and correcting their poor behavior.

You are not a family friend. You are not listening.

Sure, there are plenty of poorly behaved kids. It is not my place to correct them. Sure, if I witness some kid hurting my child, I will step in. It is culturally incorrect to intervene. Learn some boundaries, Lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- helicopter parents, calm down. I asked aftercare provider if I did something wrong and what the rules of engagement were and if it was against the rules to engage with friends of my kids. I am not going to explain every detail of the situation. Aftercare provider is very professional. I don’t want to be friends with other parent, but find her rude, given the circumstances, i. e. Kids have bern friends for a few years now. My post was asking if I am not supposed to talk to other kids at aftercare. I was not asking for your opinion if you think I am nice or not. I know I am nice to those kids and all of my kids’ friends. I did nothing wrong, but I know that many parents are sensitive if the parent of their friend will talk to them, unless it is telling them how wonderful they are or if do small talk.

You can’t separate the appropriateness of engaging with other kids from the substance of the engagement. Small talk and compliments are completely fine. Scolding (or correcting, or disciplining) another person’s kid is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here - thank you. This is similar since one of my own kids was part of the group I was chatting with. I would like to understand why parents might be so sensitive about something like this, like the story you described. This is how kids learn how to behave and socialize. Teacher and caretakers are not always available to chime in.

OP, you've already been told that but you aren't interested in understanding why parents are sensitive about something like this, you are interested in making everyone say, you are right and they are wrong, of course what you did is perfect. That's not going to happen.

For the complete avoidance of doubt on your end: you are not allowed to correct kids other than your own, unless they are in immediate physical danger, or mistreating another child or yours right in front of you. If children are not in your care, the way they behave is not your business. They may be perfect little assholes but their parents have every right to their parenting choices and it's not up to you to correct it. It's clear that you see yourself in the role of The One Who Teaches Kids How to Behave and Socialize, and the truth is no one hired you for the job.

My children are grown but when they were of elementary age, I've taught them a neat trick that made sure all preachy adults stayed the hell away from them. The trick is to start screaming, "you are not my mother! you're not my mother!" It got all other adults to stare at the talking adult in a way that she wished the earth would open up and swallow her whole. I instructed my children as to which specific adults they should obey; if you weren't on the list, you got the "you're not my mother!" treatment. You don't want that, believe me.

I was going to respond to the bold -- by saying that you don't get to tell adults what to do -- but then I read your last paragraph. Ha ha, wow. You are f'iing nuts to teach your kids to react to people like that (and then brag about it???). Crazy parenting. Crazy.

Jhoon Rhee Tae Kwon Do (and other martial arts/self defense) teaches kids to do that if any adult they don’t know comes up to them and starts talking, grabbing or touching them. It’s more likely to get attention than “Help!”

Yes but that you would equate the parent of their friend talking to them about excluding a sibling with an adult they don't know "comes up to them and starts talking, grabbing or touching them" is insane. It's INSANE. Why would you teach your child to be that fearful about another adult in their community? Nuts....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we still fighting. Clearly OP is “off.” Other parents already don’t like her. She refuses to listen to anyone who explains why this might be off putting to a parent. She also fails to realize no kid on earth ever began playing with the kid they don’t like because the other kids mom told them to. If anything, as soon as the other mom got her kids to the car that day she said something like “stay away from Johnny at aftercare” because she’s had it with OP.

I already posted a bunch of times, but I don't think OP is "off." I think they parents on here who are teaching their kids to scream in fear or indignation if anyone but their parents or a teacher speaks to them are "off." I'm ashamed that they think they can explain to OP what is acceptable in American culture. That view if NOT acceptable to most well adjusted people. The only part of your post I agree with is the bolded. Yes, teach your kids how to handle a variety of different personalities. It will come in handy. Screaming "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!" ??? will not.

OP, most of American would be fine with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I teach my kids to be respectful. Not scream like maniacs.

We are all entitled to our parenting philosophies. I didn't want my children to be deferential to any adult just because. Their teachers or parents of their friends who they were told to mind have never complained. A random adult buttonholing my kids doesn't deserve respect.

I do teach my kids to be respectful "just because." That's how we treat others, and how I teach my kids to treat others. They can't get in the car with anyone without my permission, but -- speaking to them? Of course they should be respectful of others "just because." I already posted this, but we have a cranky neighbor who doesn't like it when kids play out front. I teach my kids to be respectful of her and stop playing when she tells them to -- even though their friends' parents teach their kids to be indignant in response. How in the world can we have a functioning society if children are allowed to tell adults what is acceptable? Or to shout "YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!" when someone they actually interact with requests something of them?

Absurd.

I think it’s absurd that she’s allowed to tell your kids whether they’re allowed to play in front of their own home.

We live in a community. We respect each other's right to live in peace. One of the things she objects to is balls that end up going into the bushes and breaking branches. So now the kids have stopped playing ball and are simply breaking branches off of the bushes for spite. (I suspect it's some parents of those kids doing it as well.) Mean-spirited, vindictive, vengeful -- THOSE are not the neighbors I want near me. Cranky old lady, I can live with. I see nothing wrong with teaching my kids to modify their behavior to suit a cranky old lady. It's living with each other. Being respectful. A better way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was in downtown Bethesda the other evening and a bunch of out of control tweens were climbing on the chain that opens and shuts a garage door leading to the dumpsters of a business. Everyone was just walking by. I shouted from across the street, "Hey, cut that out. Bad idea. You could get killed." They were shocked. But then -- they stopped.

Uh yeah...
I hate to tell you, but those kids said "uh, ok" to appease you and started doing it again the second you walked away feeling super proud of yourself.

Who gives a shit. At least some adult stranger -- OMG A STRANGER -- took an interest in their well being in a normal, healthy way. They clearly were shocked as hell because it probably doesn't ever happen in the cocoon their parents have spun for them, but at least they weren't mutilated or strangled while others just walked by thinking, "Not wading into that mess of shit. Not my kids, don't care."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be irritating when others correct your kids. Not in all circumstances- but over the holidays we hosted Christmas dinner and my BIL and SIL who have no kids like to correct and direct my kids. For example, we were all sitting down to the table and waiting for people to get served food and my three year old is sitting nicely with his new transformer at table while we are waiting to start eating. My SIL says "No toys at the table Larlo." Where she is getting this rule, as it is our house and our table and he is not being disruptive at all, I don't know. I ignore her and say he needs to put away the toy once everyone gets their food.

While we are opening presents in a room strewn with wrapping paper all over and my three year old is opening up a candy that he received and lets the wrapper drop to the floor- BIL says "Pick that up and put it in that bowl over there." The whole party has been letting paper fall where it may! The problem is that this puts me in the position of having to enforce or not enforce their random directives and rules. What they are choosing to nitpick may not be something that I think is worth the battle to enforce.

Yes, if it is something that is a safety issue or egregious, but otherwise, don't correct other people's kids, especially when you are a guest in their home. It can also come across as critical to the kid and parents if you feel the liberty to intervene with their child over minor things.

My BIL tried to correct something else minor my kid was doing and I said "If there is a behavior that needs addressing I will do it."

They probably feel that they and your son are part of the same family and thus they are able to also give him direction. Maybe your kid feels good knowing he's part of a network of adults who are raising him.

If this bugs you, you should teach your kid not to take it personally, that BIL and SIL mean well, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is hung up on how nice she thinks she is. Keeps reiterating how nice she was, usual chat about her kid being excluded. Sounds like a phone call, a perfect phone call.

OP, it doesn't matter how nice you think you are. I guarantee you are not perceived way. You sound like a PITA.

She is clarifying based on the nonsense responses of her aggressively correcting or scolding another person's child, which she clearly didn't do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in downtown Bethesda the other evening and a bunch of out of control tweens were climbing on the chain that opens and shuts a garage door leading to the dumpsters of a business. Everyone was just walking by. I shouted from across the street, "Hey, cut that out. Bad idea. You could get killed." They were shocked. But then -- they stopped.

Uh yeah...
I hate to tell you, but those kids said "uh, ok" to appease you and started doing it again the second you walked away feeling super proud of yourself.

Who gives a shit. At least some adult stranger -- OMG A STRANGER -- took an interest in their well being in a normal, healthy way. They clearly were shocked as hell because it probably doesn't ever happen in the cocoon their parents have spun for them, but at least they weren't mutilated or strangled while others just walked by thinking, "Not wading into that mess of shit. Not my kids, don't care."

Different though as in the OP's case the children were in the care of other adults, and she never witnessed what she was she was reprimanding them about. There was no danger that required her to get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - guys, it's fine. I get it: in this society, many parents don't know how to handle if another adult engages with their kid. No further comments needed, thanks. I talked to the aftercare provider and the person said I did nothing wrong and the other parent is just very defensive, probably has her reasons, who knows what's going on in their life. I would be happy if this happened to my kids and I would welcome helpful interactions from other adults. So that's it, no further comments needed, thanks for your feedback, all!

So, you asked a question, people gave you lots of different perspectives, and your takeaway is that your initial idea is the right one and everyone else is wrong. Were you really interested in hearing what other people think, or did you just want everyone to know what you think?

I've posted in support of OP and so have a lot of other posters. Does that mean nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we are traveling, and I have not been able to check in. Wow, I am seeing some crazy comments here. I am not going to go into more details about how things exactly happened and how our aftercare functions, but many of the things some of you described is incorrect.

It is surprising to me how some of you view the world. The way you think no-one but you should be able to talk to your child. I am not a stranger to those kid; the four kids (my two and the other two siblings) spend the entire afternoon together in aftercare 5 days a week, every single week. They are friends. Most of the time I arrive a bit earlier than the other Mother and the kids are playing together and I say hello to those other kids. They are nice kids, nice to me and my kids. But kids fight, but next day they make up. The kids are nice. The mother is not friendly and never says hello to me or my kids. Maybe she thinks that's normal, but it is not normal for me. The aftercare does not have sufficient supervision. I was nice to those kids when I chatted with them. It was not a lecture. It was a usual chat and I included maybe once sentence about what happened the day before. And the next day all four of them played together again, as they usually do.

There is so much drama in E.S. aftercare, it is not easy sometimes to manage kids of different grade levels who are still learning how to socialize. It's much more challenging than the regular classrooms where kids are more or less the same age.

You don’t get it. In their mind, you’re two friends’ parent and maybe an adult acquaintance. You aren’t a friend of the parent or child. You only know the kids in one small way, and it does NOT give you the right to act like you know how their parent wants them act!

Of course I am not the Mother's friend, and not a friend of the two kids. I am the mother of my kids' friends. We have invited these kids to my kids b'day party. Those two kids have invited my kids to their b'day party. They have attended a common friend's birthday party. I am not representing their Mother when I talk to them. Don't be so weird. There is no such rule that only the parents can talk to children. People do not live in their individual bubbles. We are all part of a community. Too bad that many of you prefer to isolate your kids from natural human interaction. And sorry, but my kids are not the snowflakes and I am not the helicopter parent. It's the other way around. You are the helicopter parents and your kids are the snowflakes - those who posted that no other adults should be able to interact with their kids. Thank god I did not grow up in a society with these kind of values. Must be exhausting, fearful and very isolating.

I work in childcare, and I volunteer at school. Unlike you, I’m VERY careful about how I approach discipline for kids whom I have never been granted authority.

She was not "disciplining" them. Good grief, she was simply talking to them. As has been clarified over and over and over.

[Anonymous]

OP no matter how justified you feel or how they do things in your country what you did is not acceptable here. Right or wrong it’s not helping anyone for you to jump into this. The other parents could be furious with you but just maintains a polite front. If you want to keep the kid friendship you need to butt out. What you are not understanding about this society right now is that people are not direct and are only saying 1/10 of what they really feel ( and say to others)