Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

Ive btdt now my son is a D1 athlete. Most people don’t understand how life changing a sport can be to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

Repeating this trite, one size fits all mantra just demonstrates that in this particular situation, you cant come up with a considered argument as to why the son should be forced to go to the wedding.

Forced?!?! It’s the right thing to do. He is 11 or 12, right? Yes, 11 and 12 year olds are sometimes made to do things they may not want to do. This is called parenting.

Parenting is supporting a child’s passion over your own selfish wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

Depends on the sport, but national championships are a huge deal, particularly if it is an individual sport or if the kid is integral to the team being able to win. If is it a team sport and he's a bench warmer and every region has a "national" championship, that is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is what, maybe 13? If he’s that good, there will be future national championship opportunities.

This is s complete lie non athletes repeat to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Well, in my view he made a commitment to his team before his father planned the wedding date. His father knew he had a commitment to his team. He should go to the sports thing.

[Anonymous]

I want to clarify something — the event has only been scheduled, correct? This boy’s team hasn’t qualified to participate yet? Has the season even begun?

So many things could happen: The team may not qualify, or get knocked out in early playoff rounds. Or kid might get injured. Or not make the team for whatever reason (including having an obnoxious mother).

But the wedding date is set, right?

So you are pitching a fit over a hypothetical scenario where your kids’ team wins a national championship and gets recruited to a division 1 feeder high school?

Why would high school coaches from your town be scouting a national championship? Is the event held here? If it is, can’t he do both? You couldn’t possibly know game times yet.

None of this makes much sense and adds up to Mom trying to keep son from Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

Wow, hopefully he doesn’t get sick or sprain an ankle right before the tournament, his life would be irreparably destroyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

That doesn’t make any sense.

It must be exhausting to go through life so suspicious of other people’s motives.

It makes perfect sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is what, maybe 13? If he’s that good, there will be future national championship opportunities.

Not necessarily. If its something like little league world series, once you are over 12, you can't participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

Repeating this trite, one size fits all mantra just demonstrates that in this particular situation, you cant come up with a considered argument as to why the son should be forced to go to the wedding.

Forced?!?! It’s the right thing to do. He is 11 or 12, right? Yes, 11 and 12 year olds are sometimes made to do things they may not want to do. This is called parenting.

Parenting is supporting a child’s passion over your own selfish wants.

No, parenting is about teaching doing the right thing, not being overly indulgent. She has been supporting his passion — this is one event where a family event trumps a stupid and meaningless sports tournament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

No, it’s not. If your kid is such a phenom he will be recruited regardless of whether he plays in this event.

This is completely untrue. I know many D1 athletes and have many in my family.

Non athletic families will never understand its athletes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to clarify something — the event has only been scheduled, correct? This boy’s team hasn’t qualified to participate yet? Has the season even begun?

So many things could happen: The team may not qualify, or get knocked out in early playoff rounds. Or kid might get injured. Or not make the team for whatever reason (including having an obnoxious mother).

But the wedding date is set, right?

So you are pitching a fit over a hypothetical scenario where your kids’ team wins a national championship and gets recruited to a division 1 feeder high school?

Why would high school coaches from your town be scouting a national championship? Is the event held here? If it is, can’t he do both? You couldn’t possibly know game times yet.

None of this makes much sense and adds up to Mom trying to keep son from Dad.

+1 to all of this. Not really buying what Mom is selling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

Repeating this trite, one size fits all mantra just demonstrates that in this particular situation, you cant come up with a considered argument as to why the son should be forced to go to the wedding.

Forced?!?! It’s the right thing to do. He is 11 or 12, right? Yes, 11 and 12 year olds are sometimes made to do things they may not want to do. This is called parenting.

Parenting is supporting a child’s passion over your own selfish wants.

No, parenting is about teaching doing the right thing, not being overly indulgent. She has been supporting his passion — this is one event where a family event trumps a stupid and meaningless sports tournament.

A 2nd wedding is stupid and meaningless and the most indulgent thing our society does.

For athletes championships are hard work and dedication not indulgent in any way, shape or form.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is what, maybe 13? If he’s that good, there will be future national championship opportunities.

Not necessarily. If its something like little league world series, once you are over 12, you can't participate.

OP already said it’s not baseball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

That doesn’t make any sense.

It must be exhausting to go through life so suspicious of other people’s motives.

DP: If you are marrying into a step mom position and know the kid is national level elite, you darn well should know enough to check the child's schedule before planning a big event. Dad messed up big time, but bride to be was incredibly stupid not to have the kids on the radar in her planning. If he has to miss this opportunity due to her poor planning, their relationship will never happen.