Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here, to all that claim I’m a bitter ex, completely not true.

I left my ex years ago, and have had other children and a new relationship since.

This was strictly about either supporting my son’s wishes or to try to convince him to support a dad who has not supported him very much.

My son won’t even know anyone at this wedding ( other than his dad and a handful of living family members on his side who are all in their sixties/seventies. His dad hasn’t even asked him to be IN the wedding, just there.

Sticking with the original decision; he’s going to champs.

What 13 year old wants that?

So, you left dad or cheated and replaced dad with your husband or partner.

Do you actually invite dad and girlfriend? I doubt it. You probably limit contact and make it clear to son he is not a priority.

Just stop taking dads money and have his rights terminated. That’s what you really want. Have your husband adopt him.

Would you be ok if your son missed special events in your home.

You are going to screw up this kid.

You have a ... unique idea of how child custody and parental rights works.

They are both the parents. I think if one parent refuses contact, then stop the child support and don’t hold the parent accountable if they don’t get an opinion. Mom is refusing a visit on dads time.

Then he can switch the wedding to two weeks later during his weekend

honestly I would go to court over this. DH and stepmom need to learn a lesson.

A judge would side with the dad and read OP the riot act. But I would love to be in the gallery to hear the response to this nonsense about a national championship for 11 year olds

Lol, no. That is not remotely how it would work. Court doesn't operate like TV, you idiot.

Most likely result here is that the court learns how absent Dad has been and child's preferences on the matter. Courts don't like skipped weekends or other shirking of parental obligations.

[Anonymous]

The son is old enough to decide for himself. Support his decision.

I get along very well with my ex. We had dinner here with the kids just this week. He cooked. I'll be joining him at his mother's for Xmas. We would have the good sense to check with each other on dates before planning anything important. I don't just take the kids on vacation even on "my" time. I inform him/ask if it's OK before I book the travel. For something as important as my or his wedding, of course you make sure that the date works for the most important people in your life BEFORE you set the date. Son qualifies as most important person.

Now if my son wanted to go to Tommy's birthday party that weekend? No, not important enough. Nationals for a sport he loves and has been dedicated to for a year or two? A year is a long time in a kid's life.

I am telling you, the son will remember who supported him here and who acted like a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.

I don't have an opinion on the controversy, but this classic DCUMism always makes me laugh.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

If a pitcher can miss a game, you just proved the point a child can.

wedding date can (should) be planned to take the championship into account. The birth of a baby can’t be planned.

Mom should have given the dates as it is on dads time. Mom does not get to choose what happens on dads time and cancel the visit.

Is the dad to stupid to know the date, why does an ex have to tell the dad.

Mom is not choosing the child is. He is going to the championship and if dad wants to see his son he will need to go to the championship. If his son is not important to him he will skip his weekend again.

I don't think Dad is too stupid to know the date. I think this is more of a case of a lot of contingencies need to be fulfilled before the date is even an issue -- and this so-called "national championship" for a CHILD, not less -- really isn't as important as a family wedding, anyway.

Put it another way -- if there was no wedding, Dad could have other plans that don't involve the championship and child would be forced to miss it.

No, "Dad" is not allowed to undermine a child's activities and development in that way. OP's child is getting older and is allowed to have independent interests and activities. A parent who was sabotaging something like a national-level sports championship (without very, very good reason for that) would correctly be subject to court intervention for not acting in the best interests of the child. Would you also say that "Dad" can arbitrarily pull kid from school, not allow kid to study for finals, schedule something else on the day child was supposed to take SATs, etc? Say the child was the lead in a school play - could "Dad" just arbitrarily schedule something else over that day and not let him perform? And it goes on and on. To any objective observer, the fact pattern here (Dad skipping out on 20 weekends; Dad suddenly scheduling his wedding over THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY of the sports year for the child) does not look good for "Dad."

[Anonymous]

Yes, the basic objective facts here look very bad for Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.

I mostly agree, except for that I think there are more than enough facts here to judge the fiancee. Not only is she marrying someone without making an effort to get to know his child, but she is ALSO refusing to change the wedding date, and did not take her new stepson into account at all when setting the wedding date. All evidence points to fiancee not GAS about OP's child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.

I mostly agree, except for that I think there are more than enough facts here to judge the fiancee. Not only is she marrying someone without making an effort to get to know his child, but she is ALSO refusing to change the wedding date, and did not take her new stepson into account at all when setting the wedding date. All evidence points to fiancee not GAS about OP's child.

And the fact they don't want him participating in the ceremony! She and dad sound like horrible people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.

I mostly agree, except for that I think there are more than enough facts here to judge the fiancee. Not only is she marrying someone without making an effort to get to know his child, but she is ALSO refusing to change the wedding date, and did not take her new stepson into account at all when setting the wedding date. All evidence points to fiancee not GAS about OP's child.

And the fact they don't want him participating in the ceremony! She and dad sound like horrible people.

... or like she knew/was counting on the child not attending, which is why she is refusing to reschedule.

[Anonymous]

If this was an intact family there’s no way the dad would miss the child’s sports event. I guarantee he wouldn’t be super excited about it.

I guarantee that if he has more children with his new wife and any of them reach this level in any of their competitions, the new wife would move heaven and earth to attend.

Of course, with a dad like this - he’d probably be onto marriage #3 and completely checked out from the second kid too.

Karma and everything. People don’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was an intact family there’s no way the dad would miss the child’s sports event. I guarantee he wouldn’t be super excited about it.

I guarantee that if he has more children with his new wife and any of them reach this level in any of their competitions, the new wife would move heaven and earth to attend.

Of course, with a dad like this - he’d probably be onto marriage #3 and completely checked out from the second kid too.

Karma and everything. People don’t change.

You wouldn't be super excited about your child making nationals in their sport???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this with the perspective of someone who had a similar situation as an young teenager who was forced to go to dad’s second wedding. My sibling and I were ignored nearly all day by dad — which would not have been so bad of attention weren’t heaped on step-siblings. I think sibling and I were there for picture purposes. This was par for the course of our relationship with dad. For example, when we went to dad’s on Christmas Day we got to watch their family vacation videos. Woo-hoo! When we asked about going, we were told it was a family thing (eg step mom’s family). Awful. I resented both of my parents: mom for pushing us to have a relationship with dad who ignored us even on the rare occasions he bothered to be with us, and dad for ignoring us.

The take away for OP is this: you’ll never be sure of the outcome no matter what. I would prioritize dad’s wedding, and give him enough rope to do himself in from that point forward. All other events with dad I would leave up to the teen.

PP, I'm so sorry for what you went through. As a mom of one DC, with an abusive ex-DH/uninterested and neglectful dad, it pains me to read this. When you said you resented your mom for continuing to push your relationship with your dad, please understand that if she didn't, she would have likely been severely punished by the court and could have lost custody of you and your sibling. This happens all the time in these types of situations, especially nowadays. It's a horrible reality and dynamic that is clearly *not* in the best interest of the child. It's why abusive ex-spouses love to use family court as a tool to perpetuate something called post-separation abuse (which includes counter-parenting and neglectful parenting). Your mom was in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. It is so incredibly hard, to put it very lightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was an intact family there’s no way the dad would miss the child’s sports event. I guarantee he wouldn’t be super excited about it.

I guarantee that if he has more children with his new wife and any of them reach this level in any of their competitions, the new wife would move heaven and earth to attend.

Of course, with a dad like this - he’d probably be onto marriage #3 and completely checked out from the second kid too.

Karma and everything. People don’t change.

If this was someone else’s wedding, child would go. Child probably went to moms wedding. Mom does not want them to have a relationship. Dads always get blames for not being involved but how can they be when mom refuses to allow him to have the kids on his weekend. She is violating the custody agreement. How is that ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.

I mostly agree, except for that I think there are more than enough facts here to judge the fiancee. Not only is she marrying someone without making an effort to get to know his child, but she is ALSO refusing to change the wedding date, and did not take her new stepson into account at all when setting the wedding date. All evidence points to fiancee not GAS about OP's child.

And the fact they don't want him participating in the ceremony! She and dad sound like horrible people.

... or like she knew/was counting on the child not attending, which is why she is refusing to reschedule.

O one really knows as you are only hearing moms side. This is dads weekend. She should not be making the decision and refusing the wedding. This is why dads are not involved. How can they be when the mom refuses contact and his time? How is that ok? She is setting a strong message to her child dad is only important for money and not important. This is why dads give up. Courts only care about child support.

Mom should have her husband/ boyfriend/ affair partner adopt him. She’s never going to let dad have a relationship. There will always be an excuse to deny contact.

[Anonymous]

DCUM is passionate about this topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.

I mostly agree, except for that I think there are more than enough facts here to judge the fiancee. Not only is she marrying someone without making an effort to get to know his child, but she is ALSO refusing to change the wedding date, and did not take her new stepson into account at all when setting the wedding date. All evidence points to fiancee not GAS about OP's child.

There are not enough facts. You are hearing one side and mom keeps making it so she looks good and they look bad. Fiancé should not participate without an invitation. If she did mom would also have a fit.

Mom has already sabotaged the relationship. This is dads weekend.