Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

This is dads weekend. Mom is refusing his weekend. It’s not ok. Dad is not absent. Dad is only allowed to see the kid at specific times. Mom refuses those times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this with the perspective of someone who had a similar situation as an young teenager who was forced to go to dad’s second wedding. My sibling and I were ignored nearly all day by dad — which would not have been so bad of attention weren’t heaped on step-siblings. I think sibling and I were there for picture purposes. This was par for the course of our relationship with dad. For example, when we went to dad’s on Christmas Day we got to watch their family vacation videos. Woo-hoo! When we asked about going, we were told it was a family thing (eg step mom’s family). Awful. I resented both of my parents: mom for pushing us to have a relationship with dad who ignored us even on the rare occasions he bothered to be with us, and dad for ignoring us.

The take away for OP is this: you’ll never be sure of the outcome no matter what. I would prioritize dad’s wedding, and give him enough rope to do himself in from that point forward. All other events with dad I would leave up to the teen.

My husbands kids resent they did not go. They blame us even though mom refused the summer visitation and the wedding despite us offering full costs. They blame dad even though mom refused. It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.

I mostly agree, except for that I think there are more than enough facts here to judge the fiancee. Not only is she marrying someone without making an effort to get to know his child, but she is ALSO refusing to change the wedding date, and did not take her new stepson into account at all when setting the wedding date. All evidence points to fiancee not GAS about OP's child.

And the fact they don't want him participating in the ceremony! She and dad sound like horrible people.

... or like she knew/was counting on the child not attending, which is why she is refusing to reschedule.

O one really knows as you are only hearing moms side. This is dads weekend. She should not be making the decision and refusing the wedding. This is why dads are not involved. How can they be when the mom refuses contact and his time? How is that ok? She is setting a strong message to her child dad is only important for money and not important. This is why dads give up. Courts only care about child support.

Mom should have her husband/ boyfriend/ affair partner adopt him. She’s never going to let dad have a relationship. There will always be an excuse to deny contact.

LOL, is this the same troll who keeps posting "just stop the child support and terminate his parental rights" yadda yadda...[insert other extreme/silly scenario]. Please, enough. You sound like a uninformed nincompoop and petulant child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

This is dads weekend. Mom is refusing his weekend. It’s not ok. Dad is not absent. Dad is only allowed to see the kid at specific times. Mom refuses those times.

You didn’t read the thread. Dad has been a no-show 20+ times and frequently has not been in the kids life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

This is dads weekend. Mom is refusing his weekend. It’s not ok. Dad is not absent. Dad is only allowed to see the kid at specific times. Mom refuses those times.

Why do you keep posting the same thing over and over again? Everyone understand your point of view, however strange we may think it is that you are making up a universe of facts to fit the story you like to tell. Your work is done here, truly.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Update: Kid is going to nationals and has support from grandpa AND grandma (Dad’s parents), who plan to also attend Nationals to support grandson.

Super super surprised to get their call today and support on this ( my DS called them last night apparently).

Life is funny that way I guess.

According to grandma, they too have been snubbed by new wife and her family. I don’t know how I feel about them using their grandson to blow off the wedding, but it’s their choice I guess.

To the posters who keep saying I’m keeping our son from his dad, this is wholly not true. Our son is constantly available, 13 years old, is a solid 5’9, and has his own phone. If he wanted to go to the wedding instead , I wouldn’t stop him. He has explicitly stated he wants, and I agree with my son’s decision. He shouldn’t throw away his chance at a high school scholarship or other achievement to sit and watch adults who could care less.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

[Anonymous]

I did not read the whole thread so if some important fact exists on page 14 -- sorry I missed it.

Here's the thing -- outside of a sport like gymnastics and maybe figure skating where what you do at 12-13 can actually be important for future training opportunities andcompetition invitations -- Do the wedding.

Now, I can think of some things that might possibly provide an out -- for example the kid made the Little League all star team for a district and the team will play in Cooperstown. Otherwise -- nope. Wedding.

I do really worry about the apparent lack of knowledge about the sport by the OP. High School recruitment? Really? Here's a thought -- recruiting a kid for any high school sport is considered a violation by every state high school sports association. The recruited kid has to sit out for a year. The kid will go to the public school where the kid lives, or a nearby private school. There are maybe 200 or so high school athletes each year across the country who may go to a school like Bradington in FL to focus on training for a particular sport, or do private tutors for the same reason (common with skaters/gymnastics).

Finally, the biggest and best thing a parent can do with an athletic kid is really educate themselves about the sport. It is really easy for even smart people to get suckered into things, because the team did this or that, or it will really help your kid with "exposure". A parent who mentions high school recruitment is waiving huge red flags that they do not know anything about the sport. So, if wrong about that -- what are the odds they are wrong about a "national championship" for tweens? Does "we're going to nationals" mean in reality -- we are going to a tournament that calls itself "nationals", but really is not, because the only teams coming are from within miles?

























There are no "national" championships for 12 year olds in sports like soccer, or hockey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not read the whole thread so if some important fact exists on page 14 -- sorry I missed it.

Here's the thing -- outside of a sport like gymnastics and maybe figure skating where what you do at 12-13 can actually be important for future training opportunities andcompetition invitations -- Do the wedding.

Now, I can think of some things that might possibly provide an out -- for example the kid made the Little League all star team for a district and the team will play in Cooperstown. Otherwise -- nope. Wedding.

I do really worry about the apparent lack of knowledge about the sport by the OP. High School recruitment? Really? Here's a thought -- recruiting a kid for any high school sport is considered a violation by every state high school sports association. The recruited kid has to sit out for a year. The kid will go to the public school where the kid lives, or a nearby private school. There are maybe 200 or so high school athletes each year across the country who may go to a school like Bradington in FL to focus on training for a particular sport, or do private tutors for the same reason (common with skaters/gymnastics).

Finally, the biggest and best thing a parent can do with an athletic kid is really educate themselves about the sport. It is really easy for even smart people to get suckered into things, because the team did this or that, or it will really help your kid with "exposure". A parent who mentions high school recruitment is waiving huge red flags that they do not know anything about the sport. So, if wrong about that -- what are the odds they are wrong about a "national championship" for tweens? Does "we're going to nationals" mean in reality -- we are going to a tournament that calls itself "nationals", but really is not, because the only teams coming are from within miles?

There are no "national" championships for 12 year olds in sports like soccer, or hockey.

You did miss a lot, so maybe you shouldn’t comment. Most of your assumptions were invalidated pages ago.

And yes, kids do get tuition scholarships to privates and fee waivers for some clubs for playing sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Update: Kid is going to nationals and has support from grandpa AND grandma (Dad’s parents), who plan to also attend Nationals to support grandson.

Super super surprised to get their call today and support on this ( my DS called them last night apparently).

Life is funny that way I guess.

According to grandma, they too have been snubbed by new wife and her family. I don’t know how I feel about them using their grandson to blow off the wedding, but it’s their choice I guess.

To the posters who keep saying I’m keeping our son from his dad, this is wholly not true. Our son is constantly available, 13 years old, is a solid 5’9, and has his own phone. If he wanted to go to the wedding instead , I wouldn’t stop him. He has explicitly stated he wants, and I agree with my son’s decision. He shouldn’t throw away his chance at a high school scholarship or other achievement to sit and watch adults who could care less.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

This is the end of it. Biggest takeaway: If the Dad has shown up and been consistent with his kid in the first place, this would be a non-issue.

The dad would have handled it and not put his older kid in the middle of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say this with the perspective of someone who had a similar situation as an young teenager who was forced to go to dad’s second wedding. My sibling and I were ignored nearly all day by dad — which would not have been so bad of attention weren’t heaped on step-siblings. I think sibling and I were there for picture purposes. This was par for the course of our relationship with dad. For example, when we went to dad’s on Christmas Day we got to watch their family vacation videos. Woo-hoo! When we asked about going, we were told it was a family thing (eg step mom’s family). Awful. I resented both of my parents: mom for pushing us to have a relationship with dad who ignored us even on the rare occasions he bothered to be with us, and dad for ignoring us.

The take away for OP is this: you’ll never be sure of the outcome no matter what. I would prioritize dad’s wedding, and give him enough rope to do himself in from that point forward. All other events with dad I would leave up to the teen.

PP, I'm so sorry for what you went through. As a mom of one DC, with an abusive ex-DH/uninterested and neglectful dad, it pains me to read this. When you said you resented your mom for continuing to push your relationship with your dad, please understand that if she didn't, she would have likely been severely punished by the court and could have lost custody of you and your sibling. This happens all the time in these types of situations, especially nowadays. It's a horrible reality and dynamic that is clearly *not* in the best interest of the child. It's why abusive ex-spouses love to use family court as a tool to perpetuate something called post-separation abuse (which includes counter-parenting and neglectful parenting). Your mom was in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. It is so incredibly hard, to put it very lightly.

Thanks for the response, but in our situation dad refused joint custody. He still had visitation and didn’t follow through even when I entered my mid-20s. He didn’t understand why I wasn’t thrilled to jump when he said so. Well, dad, I jumped plenty, and usually didn’t show up.

Sorry for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say this with the perspective of someone who had a similar situation as an young teenager who was forced to go to dad’s second wedding. My sibling and I were ignored nearly all day by dad — which would not have been so bad of attention weren’t heaped on step-siblings. I think sibling and I were there for picture purposes. This was par for the course of our relationship with dad. For example, when we went to dad’s on Christmas Day we got to watch their family vacation videos. Woo-hoo! When we asked about going, we were told it was a family thing (eg step mom’s family). Awful. I resented both of my parents: mom for pushing us to have a relationship with dad who ignored us even on the rare occasions he bothered to be with us, and dad for ignoring us.

The take away for OP is this: you’ll never be sure of the outcome no matter what. I would prioritize dad’s wedding, and give him enough rope to do himself in from that point forward. All other events with dad I would leave up to the teen.

My husbands kids resent they did not go. They blame us even though mom refused the summer visitation and the wedding despite us offering full costs. They blame dad even though mom refused. It goes both ways.

Maybe your DH showed up. My dad would say he was coming to get us. We’d wait all day, and he wouldn’t show up. Then he’d call Monday and ask how our weekend went. Often times he’d say things got hectic on his end (step-sib sports), so he didn’t have time to get us or spend time with us. By mid-high school I could no longer hold my breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not read the whole thread so if some important fact exists on page 14 -- sorry I missed it.

Here's the thing -- outside of a sport like gymnastics and maybe figure skating where what you do at 12-13 can actually be important for future training opportunities andcompetition invitations -- Do the wedding.

Now, I can think of some things that might possibly provide an out -- for example the kid made the Little League all star team for a district and the team will play in Cooperstown. Otherwise -- nope. Wedding.

I do really worry about the apparent lack of knowledge about the sport by the OP. High School recruitment? Really? Here's a thought -- recruiting a kid for any high school sport is considered a violation by every state high school sports association. The recruited kid has to sit out for a year. The kid will go to the public school where the kid lives, or a nearby private school. There are maybe 200 or so high school athletes each year across the country who may go to a school like Bradington in FL to focus on training for a particular sport, or do private tutors for the same reason (common with skaters/gymnastics).

Finally, the biggest and best thing a parent can do with an athletic kid is really educate themselves about the sport. It is really easy for even smart people to get suckered into things, because the team did this or that, or it will really help your kid with "exposure". A parent who mentions high school recruitment is waiving huge red flags that they do not know anything about the sport. So, if wrong about that -- what are the odds they are wrong about a "national championship" for tweens? Does "we're going to nationals" mean in reality -- we are going to a tournament that calls itself "nationals", but really is not, because the only teams coming are from within miles?

There are no "national" championships for 12 year olds in sports like soccer, or hockey.

Wow, you really don't have a clue about sports and recruitment of athletes at an elite level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say this with the perspective of someone who had a similar situation as an young teenager who was forced to go to dad’s second wedding. My sibling and I were ignored nearly all day by dad — which would not have been so bad of attention weren’t heaped on step-siblings. I think sibling and I were there for picture purposes. This was par for the course of our relationship with dad. For example, when we went to dad’s on Christmas Day we got to watch their family vacation videos. Woo-hoo! When we asked about going, we were told it was a family thing (eg step mom’s family). Awful. I resented both of my parents: mom for pushing us to have a relationship with dad who ignored us even on the rare occasions he bothered to be with us, and dad for ignoring us.

The take away for OP is this: you’ll never be sure of the outcome no matter what. I would prioritize dad’s wedding, and give him enough rope to do himself in from that point forward. All other events with dad I would leave up to the teen.

My husbands kids resent they did not go. They blame us even though mom refused the summer visitation and the wedding despite us offering full costs. They blame dad even though mom refused. It goes both ways.

Maybe your DH showed up. My dad would say he was coming to get us. We’d wait all day, and he wouldn’t show up. Then he’d call Monday and ask how our weekend went. Often times he’d say things got hectic on his end (step-sib sports), so he didn’t have time to get us or spend time with us. By mid-high school I could no longer hold my breath.

Ex-wife took them cross county to live with her affair partner. My husband bought plane tickets and she'd refuse to send the kids. My husband would fly out to visit and she'd refuse to give him the kids. He'd go to court, judge would fuss at mom and never hold her accountable. He'd send gifts/clothing and extra money for the things mom demanded and she wouldn't give them the gifts or the money. My husband always did what he said he'd do. The kids would tell him they aren't allow to see him or answer the phone. There were no other kids involved when they were minors. Maybe there is more to the story with your Dad. My husband's kids have no idea she had an affair (not sure how they don't know given she's still with the man and he still will not marry her many years later). They have no idea Mom blocked visitation and calls even though they were a part of it. Dad has always taken the fall and no point telling them otherwise and they wouldn't listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not read the whole thread so if some important fact exists on page 14 -- sorry I missed it.

Here's the thing -- outside of a sport like gymnastics and maybe figure skating where what you do at 12-13 can actually be important for future training opportunities andcompetition invitations -- Do the wedding.

Now, I can think of some things that might possibly provide an out -- for example the kid made the Little League all star team for a district and the team will play in Cooperstown. Otherwise -- nope. Wedding.

I do really worry about the apparent lack of knowledge about the sport by the OP. High School recruitment? Really? Here's a thought -- recruiting a kid for any high school sport is considered a violation by every state high school sports association. The recruited kid has to sit out for a year. The kid will go to the public school where the kid lives, or a nearby private school. There are maybe 200 or so high school athletes each year across the country who may go to a school like Bradington in FL to focus on training for a particular sport, or do private tutors for the same reason (common with skaters/gymnastics).

Finally, the biggest and best thing a parent can do with an athletic kid is really educate themselves about the sport. It is really easy for even smart people to get suckered into things, because the team did this or that, or it will really help your kid with "exposure". A parent who mentions high school recruitment is waiving huge red flags that they do not know anything about the sport. So, if wrong about that -- what are the odds they are wrong about a "national championship" for tweens? Does "we're going to nationals" mean in reality -- we are going to a tournament that calls itself "nationals", but really is not, because the only teams coming are from within miles?

There are no "national" championships for 12 year olds in sports like soccer, or hockey.

Wow, you really don't have a clue about sports and recruitment of athletes at an elite level.

Its really sad if a parents priority is sports. That doesn't make for a well rounded child. You are teaching your child that his father and family are not important. My child is very active in sports. We don't think twice of missing a meet for a family obligation or even a friend's birthday party if its a good friend.

Regardless, this is Dad's weekend. He probably only gets 1-2 weekends a month so he had to pick his weekend or child would not be able to come as Mom doesn't sound flexible at all. So, he's in a no win situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

This is dads weekend. Mom is refusing his weekend. It’s not ok. Dad is not absent. Dad is only allowed to see the kid at specific times. Mom refuses those times.

Why do you keep posting the same thing over and over again? Everyone understand your point of view, however strange we may think it is that you are making up a universe of facts to fit the story you like to tell. Your work is done here, truly.

Dad is involved and seeing the child. He is not an absent parent. This is his weekend. Mom is refusing it. That is the point. Those are the facts Mom said. Even if they switched weekends, she'd find another excuse so this is a non-issue.