Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé probably got date of sports event and THEN set same for wedding! 1000% go with your son and do NOT let him miss events. Who cares about fiancé? You son is your priority. Announce NOW that he will not be at wedding. Take pressure off your son to refuse wedding. Support son, this is an investment in his future and he will love you forever for standing by him. Go for it Mom!

Op, ideally this is how I truly feel. Reality has it that I also have to consider the backlash in court if they choose to take it that far. Technically, it’s Dads visitation weekend. He’s missed so many over the last two years , but I could see him pulling a technicality if need be (he’s tried it before).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

This! Hopefully your ex will come around. If not, still support the kid.

My XH did something similar for a competition our DD was in. His then fiancée picked a cute date for their wedding. She didn’t care that it inconvenienced anyone invited. When the date for DD’s competition was announced (2 days before the actual wedding), she planned three days of wedding related events. XH and I fought over this for two months. DD went to the competition and I paid for her to fly to the wedding state the day before. Less than a year later, they were divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

I’m inclined to agree.

First of all, whose weekend is it?

This sounds like a big deal to your son and it would be a shame to make him miss it. Especially as ex is looking for ways to cut support, I wouldn’t take away an opportunity from your child. His dad and stepmom are going to be pissed though. But it sounds like the dad has already been distancing himself for a long time. An involved parent would never make his child choose.

OP here, you are so right. Technically it’s dads weekend, but he’s missed so many over the years . See above post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DS will probably qualify for a spot in the natl champs for a sport he loves. He has worked very very hard at the sport and is an integral member of the team. Will be his first national champs ever, and he has been training for two years to get a spot. He’s a tween, so this opportunity will put him on the radar of really good coaches/ teams for high school recruitment.

Ex’s fiancé recently announced their upcoming wedding date; it’s is several months away, but scheduled on the same day/weekend as the natl champs. In the last three years she has never been to one of our sons events , has no interest in his life or well being, has actively lobbied to convince his dad to reduce child support, and dad has decreased involvement in DS life.

She refuses to move the date ( it has some importance to her) , and Ex is adamant that he wants our son to be involved in the event of the wedding. My son does not want to miss champs, and does not want to attend the wedding.

If I support my son I come off as the jealous ex. If I support dad, my son loses out on a major opportunity that directly impacts his life/future and does not impact his dad or new wife at all.

What would you do?

Team Son.

But I don’t understand how you could know now his team would qualify for a national championship in anything this far out. If you mean like a sport like baseball and it’s just some sanction’s “national championship” those are kind of a dime a dozen and it isn’t hard to qualify for them — they are basically like any other tournament just larger and usually regional. So be a little careful how big a deal you make about it to others as you could sound silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom/son relationship is forever. Support your son. Who really cares about fiancé? I can’t believe you would even put your jerk of an ex over your hardworking son! Your helping your on in this situation will create a wonderful bond for both of you. Be there for your son. Remember why you divorced this jerk.

The issue is the son will be expected to attend the wedding

[Anonymous]

Wedding, no question. Do you/he invite her? I would not go except if you and he invited me. How would you feel as a parent if he did not go to your wedding. My husbands kids wanted to come to ours, no conflict and she refused. It caused a huge rift but she was trying to push him out of their life for years.

[Anonymous]

I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

[Anonymous]

There is only 1 championship ... weddings are every few years.

Team championship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

I’m inclined to agree.

First of all, whose weekend is it?

This sounds like a big deal to your son and it would be a shame to make him miss it. Especially as ex is looking for ways to cut support, I wouldn’t take away an opportunity from your child. His dad and stepmom are going to be pissed though. But it sounds like the dad has already been distancing himself for a long time. An involved parent would never make his child choose.

OP here, you are so right. Technically it’s dads weekend, but he’s missed so many over the years . See above post.

It sounds more like you don’t want him to go. Just be honest and let him know no more visits. You just want your child support check. It ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé probably got date of sports event and THEN set same for wedding! 1000% go with your son and do NOT let him miss events. Who cares about fiancé? You son is your priority. Announce NOW that he will not be at wedding. Take pressure off your son to refuse wedding. Support son, this is an investment in his future and he will love you forever for standing by him. Go for it Mom!

Some of you are real loons. This doesn’t even make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom/son relationship is forever. Support your son. Who really cares about fiancé? I can’t believe you would even put your jerk of an ex over your hardworking son! Your helping your on in this situation will create a wonderful bond for both of you. Be there for your son. Remember why you divorced this jerk.

The issue is the son will be expected to attend the wedding

If mom were getting married, she expect him to attend and it would not be an issue. She needs to extend that same respect to her husband. If she wants girlfriend to attend sons things, she needs to ask and make her feel wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is only 1 championship ... weddings are every few years.

Team championship.

In some sports there are multiple “national championships” in the same year and country (one in the east, one in the west, etc).

And a “national championship” for an 11 or 12 year old? Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our DS will probably qualify for a spot in the natl champs for a sport he loves. He has worked very very hard at the sport and is an integral member of the team. Will be his first national champs ever, and he has been training for two years to get a spot. He’s a tween, so this opportunity will put him on the radar of really good coaches/ teams for high school recruitment.

Ex’s fiancé recently announced their upcoming wedding date; it’s is several months away, but scheduled on the same day/weekend as the natl champs. In the last three years she has never been to one of our sons events , has no interest in his life or well being, has actively lobbied to convince his dad to reduce child support, and dad has decreased involvement in DS life.

She refuses to move the date ( it has some importance to her) , and Ex is adamant that he wants our son to be involved in the event of the wedding. My son does not want to miss champs, and does not want to attend the wedding.

If I support my son I come off as the jealous ex. If I support dad, my son loses out on a major opportunity that directly impacts his life/future and does not impact his dad or new wife at all.

What would you do?

Team Son.

But I don’t understand how you could know now his team would qualify for a national championship in anything this far out. If you mean like a sport like baseball and it’s just some sanction’s “national championship” those are kind of a dime a dozen and it isn’t hard to qualify for them — they are basically like any other tournament just larger and usually regional. So be a little careful how big a deal you make about it to others as you could sound silly.

It’s not baseball or basketball.

Save for a major unexpected injury, he will more than likely be in at least two if not three events for his team based on already registering national qualifying marks in within the last year. Think Gymnastics/Boxing/Track/Swimming/Chess...

I’m being vague on the sport purposefully, which is not important to the dilemma. Whether or not he’s good enough to go not the question.

I hear you on talking too much to others about it (outside of anonymity) , people judge.