Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

I just switched to Team Dad, son should go to the wedding. Your overt bitchiness and bitterness about your ex remarrying makes me question the credibility of everything else you’ve said here.

Go be on team dad. I’m team child so clearly you should not have a vote since you thought this was team dad vs mom. You sound super petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

That doesn’t make any sense.

It must be exhausting to go through life so suspicious of other people’s motives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

I just switched to Team Dad, son should go to the wedding. Your overt bitchiness and bitterness about your ex remarrying makes me question the credibility of everything else you’ve said here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

I just switched to Team Dad, son should go to the wedding. Your overt bitchiness and bitterness about your ex remarrying makes me question the credibility of everything else you’ve said here.

NP here. No way team dad. Why couldn't the fiancee and dad have chosen a different date? This is important to the DS and dates were published? Why couldn't the dad/fiancee have chosen a different date? Dad missed so many previous dates anyway and now wants it to be family time? No way. I just don't see the rationale. Ex-wife is not bitchy, you are.

[Anonymous]

^^Quote fail. NP-The dad has missed 20!! of his visitation weekends and has never attended the child's events.I don't think the dad has earned the privilege of his child's attendance. Let's face it-its just for show, he doesn't care about the child or he would have checked the date first.

[Anonymous]

There is literally no question here - team kid - let him do his sport. His dad can change the wedding date if so important to him. Maybe dad and fiancé should be made to feel guilty for missing the sporting event!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

It sounds like she and dad are not invited to activities and dad has very limited visitation so neither knew and they picked the best day for them.

Calendar is public and on the internet, with reminders sent from the ICal and Outlook for anyone who chooses to subscribe.

An involved parent shouldn’t have to be invited.

I’m constantly in this situation. The school posts a full calendar the third week in August. DD’s activity posts a full calendar for the season with competition dates in bold red. I also post everything to the online calendar the court forced us to get. XH still does not show up. She’s now nearly 14 and no longer buys his claim that he didn’t know. Meanwhile, my DH has attended everything since she was 8 and some teammates/their parents assume he’s her biodad.

XH’s loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

You do not know how important this is to the child. It might be a once in a lifetime event or it might just one among many.

The son is not missing something as important as a birth as his child . It’s a second wedding which in and of itself is a ridiculous event.

It isn’t relevant how important it is to the child. And I promise you it is highly unlikely this is some truly elite opportunity and more likely just a run-of-the-mill “national championship” for one sanction of whatever sport the kid participated in. Unless it is the Little League World Series — in which case it is highly speculative his team would qualify and that’s a multi-day tournament anyway (name a youth sport where there is a single national championship event on a single day?) I cannot imagine any that really qualify as “national championship.”

[Anonymous]

I’m married and my H never knows when things happen. It’s exhausting. It’s not you job to keep him informed on kids events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

I will minimize it: it is only a sporting event. That you are speculating he will qualify for. And no, it won’t change is life. Stop being so dramatic. I cannot think of a single “national championship” for a TWEEN that would be life-altering.

It also sounds to me from your attitude that you keep your son from your ex — he is obviously fighting for access. And may be alienating son from ex as well.

The sport is not important, OP. I am a coach of an elite fastpitch softball team and I would tell my player to go to the wedding. That is far more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

Repeating this trite, one size fits all mantra just demonstrates that in this particular situation, you cant come up with a considered argument as to why the son should be forced to go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

No, it’s not. If your kid is such a phenom he will be recruited regardless of whether he plays in this event.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is what, maybe 13? If he’s that good, there will be future national championship opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

Repeating this trite, one size fits all mantra just demonstrates that in this particular situation, you cant come up with a considered argument as to why the son should be forced to go to the wedding.

Forced?!?! It’s the right thing to do. He is 11 or 12, right? Yes, 11 and 12 year olds are sometimes made to do things they may not want to do. This is called parenting.