Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Our DS will probably qualify for a spot in the natl champs for a sport he loves. He has worked very very hard at the sport and is an integral member of the team. Will be his first national champs ever, and he has been training for two years to get a spot. He’s a tween, so this opportunity will put him on the radar of really good coaches/ teams for high school recruitment.

Ex’s fiancé recently announced their upcoming wedding date; it’s is several months away, but scheduled on the same day/weekend as the natl champs. In the last three years she has never been to one of our sons events , has no interest in his life or well being, has actively lobbied to convince his dad to reduce child support, and dad has decreased involvement in DS life.

She refuses to move the date ( it has some importance to her) , and Ex is adamant that he wants our son to be involved in the event of the wedding. My son does not want to miss champs, and does not want to attend the wedding.

If I support my son I come off as the jealous ex. If I support dad, my son loses out on a major opportunity that directly impacts his life/future and does not impact his dad or new wife at all.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

[Anonymous]

Did your family know the date of the sports tournament before she picked the date?

[Anonymous]

How is this even a question? Your son wins.

I don't understand why you feel the need to "support" your son's dad at his own wedding--that's the new wife's job.

[Anonymous]

The day you put anything or anyone before your kid is the day you lose all credibility as a human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

You get my first +1 on DCUM. Your son for these reasons.

[Anonymous]

You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your family know the date of the sports tournament before she picked the date?

Not sure when she picked it, but it was definitely published before she made the announcement. Not certain if she or DS’s dad knew (or cared) about DS’s sports schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

I’m inclined to agree.

First of all, whose weekend is it?

This sounds like a big deal to your son and it would be a shame to make him miss it. Especially as ex is looking for ways to cut support, I wouldn’t take away an opportunity from your child. His dad and stepmom are going to be pissed though. But it sounds like the dad has already been distancing himself for a long time. An involved parent would never make his child choose.

[Anonymous]

Fiancé probably got date of sports event and THEN set same for wedding! 1000% go with your son and do NOT let him miss events. Who cares about fiancé? You son is your priority. Announce NOW that he will not be at wedding. Take pressure off your son to refuse wedding. Support son, this is an investment in his future and he will love you forever for standing by him. Go for it Mom!

[Anonymous]

Mom/son relationship is forever. Support your son. Who really cares about fiancé? I can’t believe you would even put your jerk of an ex over your hardworking son! Your helping your on in this situation will create a wonderful bond for both of you. Be there for your son. Remember why you divorced this jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

[Anonymous]

Stick with you son 100%.
I would try to have a convo with ex, as two parents. Explain (again) how important it is to to kid and lay out how the date was known well in advance.
I know for my kids' sport (crew) nationals is always the same weekend in may, the location may move around but those dates are set for years.

[Anonymous]

Generally speaking I think a child should go to a parent’s wedding, unless there is a bad relationship there. But also, you would think that a parent would set a date that works for the child (I.e., a member of the immediate family). Just say that you have no problem with your son attending the wedding, but if he wants him there, then he has to take his schedule into account, as any parent would do. This is a big deal event that your son can’t miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

+1.