Reply to Wife always using being an “introvert” as an excuse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP why don't you just keep working on being understanding, and ask your wife to go to therapy for her issues?[/quote]

I can do that. She doesn’t want to go to therapy because she doesn’t think she has an issue.[/quote]

NP here.

OP--a little perspective.  I am an extrovert married to an introvert, like you.  Over the course of our 17 year marriage and 3 years relationship, we have flourished because we practice what your therapist preaches.  My family also exhausts my wife.  However, she has made the effort to be more social and accommodating and I have made the effort to be more sensitive and understanding.  For example, she makes sure that she is there for big events, parties, dinners.  She works hard to make the effort to talk to people and not retreat into her shell.  But after dinner, she'll go to our room or an unused room in the house to chill, relax and recharge.  She may just sit there on her phone and play games or put a podcast on and lay on the bed.  My understanding is that I applaud and appreciate the effort she made to be social during a 1.5-2 hour dinner and don't bother her when she needs another hour or two alone to recharge.

You also both need to work on communication.  You both need to acknowledge and appreciate the efforts the other made.  Then you need to bend over backwards to make the effort to do more in return.  First, look over the events or get togethers with your family.  Find the minimum number you would really like her to attend.  Let that be the starting point.  Next figure out what priorities you need for you two to do things by yourselves, just the two or you.  Then any remaining time you can go and do things with your family without her.  This way she has a minimal number of events where she has to be more outward going and join the family but it isn't completely overwhelming.  Remember that she finds your family's closeness and bonding and social aspects tiring.  Show appreciation for the events that she is willing to come out of her shell to join your family and try to participate.  Just doing that is likely difficult for her.  Then build in time for the two of you to spend time alone.  You need to invest time in your relationship in order to nurture it and keep it alive.  Relationships do not sustain themselves without both partners actively trying to invest in each other and to devote to each other.  They stagnate without that explicit interaction.  After that, any time that is remaining, you can go to visit and socialize with your family by yourself without her.  Make sure that you acknowledge and show appreciation for the times that she does come out and positively interacts with your family.  And likewise, she needs to acknowledge and appreciate when you don't pressure her to do more than she is comfortable with and when you give her passes on attending some of the family functions.

Without doing those things, you are at an impasse.  You say that you hoped that she would grow as a person.  Instead you are trying to force her to become something that she doesn't want to become and may be daunted by.  For example, if you had a friend or partner that was actively trying to get you to do extreme sports with him, and would hound you and push you to do these things, how would you feel?  So he wants you to go bungee jumping this week, then go extreme motorbiking next week, the go rock climbing the following week, then skydiving the following week, how would you feel?  If you declined or only did a few things, but he always pushed you to do more and complained that you weren't putting yourself out there, that the thrill of danger was so critical and would help you be more fearless in your career and would help you in social interaction, would that help or hurt?  If you resisted and he suggested that you needed to get therapy to change the way you think and to be more open to doing thrilling dangerous activities would you be open and receptive?  This is what it feels like to her as you pressure her.

Good luck.  If you both cannot do what the therapist says, you being more sympathetic, understanding and appreciative of her, and her making the effort to be slightly more social and interactive, you will not stop the erosion of your marriage.  Marriage is about compromise.  You both have to be willing to see the other's perspectives and move towards each other where you differ rather than pulling away.  If you can't take a step towards your partner on areas where there is tension, then the tension will grow and tear your relationship and marriage apart.[/quote]

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