Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, she hates you and parents. I can see why. You treat her like dirt.

I treat her like dirt for wanting her to actually maybe spend some modicum of time with my parents and me? We see her once a year, at best. If I don't call her, she never calls me. When I do call her, she talks for hours about herself.

But I'm the one who treats her like dirt?

Op people have already told you- but you aren’t listening. your sister obviously does not enjoy spending time with you or your parents. probably because she does not like one or all of you. You can approach her about why (for you! Not your parents) and so can your parents, if they so choose. The lack of keeping in touch with you or attending holidays is just a symptom of this.

[Anonymous]

I think what's frustrating is that she treats both you and your parents like distant acquaintances. That's hard to take, but without knowing the whole backstory of your relationship, it's impossible to know what started it or whose fault it is. What's important to recognize is that the relationship is distant, and you need to adjust your expectations, and so should your parents.

The only other thing I can think of is that your sister was shaken by the health scare and instead of confronting it, chooses to keep her head in the sand. By staying away, she can pretend that nothing scary happened and life is same as always and your parents will be around forever. But it sounds like she's been like this even before the scare, and she just doesn't care. At this point, it really may not matter too much to her whether your father lives or dies. Now, why would that be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, she hates you and parents. I can see why. You treat her like dirt.

I treat her like dirt for wanting her to actually maybe spend some modicum of time with my parents and me? We see her once a year, at best. If I don't call her, she never calls me. When I do call her, she talks for hours about herself.

But I'm the one who treats her like dirt?

Op people have already told you- but you aren’t listening. your sister obviously does not enjoy spending time with you or your parents. probably because she does not like one or all of you. You can approach her about why (for you! Not your parents) and so can your parents, if they so choose. The lack of keeping in touch with you or attending holidays is just a symptom of this.

I do understand this. What I don't understand is how I'm treating her like dirt. To my knowledge, I've done nothing but try to be kind to her.

[Anonymous]

Is it normal to send people your flight info? We don’t do this.

[Anonymous]

Are you and your parents always so dramatic about things like this.
Sounds like she has a life, seems happy and is living it.
just do the same.
If you want to see her, plan a trip to see her. Invite her over. Ask if she wants to do a girls weekend.
you seem stuck in this idea if she doesn't spend time with you when/how you want or she doesn't initiate she is evil. Just not true.

Sounds honestly like she is just living her best life and doesn't have time for drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what's frustrating is that she treats both you and your parents like distant acquaintances. That's hard to take, but without knowing the whole backstory of your relationship, it's impossible to know what started it or whose fault it is. What's important to recognize is that the relationship is distant, and you need to adjust your expectations, and so should your parents.

The only other thing I can think of is that your sister was shaken by the health scare and instead of confronting it, chooses to keep her head in the sand. By staying away, she can pretend that nothing scary happened and life is same as always and your parents will be around forever. But it sounds like she's been like this even before the scare, and she just doesn't care. At this point, it really may not matter too much to her whether your father lives or dies. Now, why would that be?

Yeah, this predates the health scare. She's been distant with us for years. I guess my issue is more that I expected she might change, but she just hasn't.

If I've done something to upset her, I wish she would tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you and your parents always so dramatic about things like this.
Sounds like she has a life, seems happy and is living it.
just do the same.
If you want to see her, plan a trip to see her. Invite her over. Ask if she wants to do a girls weekend.
you seem stuck in this idea if she doesn't spend time with you when/how you want or she doesn't initiate she is evil. Just not true.

Sounds honestly like she is just living her best life and doesn't have time for drama.

She lives 3,000 miles from me. I went out to see her over the summer. She has never come to visit, except for my wedding.

[Anonymous]

How about you just call/text/email whatever and say
"Hey larla, i got your email about holiday travel plans. Sounds fun and hope you have a great time. I would love to get together when you get back. Any dates work for you?"

[Anonymous]

Is her husband welcomed by your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what's frustrating is that she treats both you and your parents like distant acquaintances. That's hard to take, but without knowing the whole backstory of your relationship, it's impossible to know what started it or whose fault it is. What's important to recognize is that the relationship is distant, and you need to adjust your expectations, and so should your parents.

The only other thing I can think of is that your sister was shaken by the health scare and instead of confronting it, chooses to keep her head in the sand. By staying away, she can pretend that nothing scary happened and life is same as always and your parents will be around forever. But it sounds like she's been like this even before the scare, and she just doesn't care. At this point, it really may not matter too much to her whether your father lives or dies. Now, why would that be?

Yeah, this predates the health scare. She's been distant with us for years. I guess my issue is more that I expected she might change, but she just hasn't.

If I've done something to upset her, I wish she would tell me.

I'm sorry, this seems like a situation that is hurtful to you. But she's been distant for years! What made you think she would change? Did you have some kind of heart to hear during the health scare where she said she wanted things to change? Did she open up to you? Adults rarely change family dynamics drastically after many years.

Next year, don't invite her to the holidays at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you and your parents always so dramatic about things like this.
Sounds like she has a life, seems happy and is living it.
just do the same.
If you want to see her, plan a trip to see her. Invite her over. Ask if she wants to do a girls weekend.
you seem stuck in this idea if she doesn't spend time with you when/how you want or she doesn't initiate she is evil. Just not true.

Sounds honestly like she is just living her best life and doesn't have time for drama.

She lives 3,000 miles from me. I went out to see her over the summer. She has never come to visit, except for my wedding.

Honestly she has been trying to tell you for years then, that she is just not into these family events.
If you want her there just keep an open invitation but stop with the pressure, guilt and drama. It is quite honestly a turnoff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you and your parents always so dramatic about things like this.
Sounds like she has a life, seems happy and is living it.
just do the same.
If you want to see her, plan a trip to see her. Invite her over. Ask if she wants to do a girls weekend.
you seem stuck in this idea if she doesn't spend time with you when/how you want or she doesn't initiate she is evil. Just not true.

Sounds honestly like she is just living her best life and doesn't have time for drama.

She lives 3,000 miles from me. I went out to see her over the summer. She has never come to visit, except for my wedding.

Honestly she has been trying to tell you for years then, that she is just not into these family events.
If you want her there just keep an open invitation but stop with the pressure, guilt and drama. It is quite honestly a turnoff.

I haven't pressured her at all. I've actually barely ever talked to her about this stuff. I did tell her I'm excited to see her this holiday season, but I've never confronted her about not coming to family things.

She just never sees us. Never spends time with us, even outside the holidays.

To answer another PP: We've absolutely included her husband in things. She did tell me a few years ago, when she had first gotten married, "Dad asked me if it would be alright if he took my DH out for coffee, just to get to know him. I told him it's really not necessary."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you and your parents always so dramatic about things like this.
Sounds like she has a life, seems happy and is living it.
just do the same.
If you want to see her, plan a trip to see her. Invite her over. Ask if she wants to do a girls weekend.
you seem stuck in this idea if she doesn't spend time with you when/how you want or she doesn't initiate she is evil. Just not true.

Sounds honestly like she is just living her best life and doesn't have time for drama.

She lives 3,000 miles from me. I went out to see her over the summer. She has never come to visit, except for my wedding.

Honestly she has been trying to tell you for years then, that she is just not into these family events.
If you want her there just keep an open invitation but stop with the pressure, guilt and drama. It is quite honestly a turnoff.

This. It isn’t new OP- you’ll have to either let it go or try to address it with her (the relationship! Not her attendance at events)

I do not think you are being “mean” to her as someone else said- but you did call her a jerk on your OP. I don’t see any indication that she is, or has done anything wrong. She just doesn’t want to be close to you, it appears. It isn’t a crime.

[Anonymous]

Geez OP stop being one of those annoying pouters when people do not attend things out of obligation.

She probably does not dislike you but has a much healthier sense of choosing between something that her spouse and her would enjoy doing and doing an obligation vacation. Spending holidays with family members is usually 80% obligation and maybe 20% fun if you have interesting family members. Its something you do solely because other people expect it and its quite liberating to some people to stop giving in to other's obligation they try to force on you.

Before you try to convince yourself that spending the holidays visiting you and your father is more fun than Bora Bora or wherever ask yourself these questions..

-is the location any place that you would ever travel to if you didn't have to go there to visit family?
-are the living accommodation cramped or only hotel choices meh instead of a beautiful resort?
-is there nothing to do other than sit around and "visit" talking about uninteresting things? No snorkeling? No broadway shows? No European museums? No beaches?
-is there lots of home cooked (ie really poorly cooked) bland food? Any five star chefs? Nice bars or lounges?
-do you count the day until its over? Or do you wish you could extend your stay a few more days?

[Anonymous]

As usual, the more details are shared, the more it looks like OP has left out important information.

If you don't have a close enough relationship to ask her why she's been distant, I can see why she might prefer to spend the holidays with someone she feels close to.

I distanced myself from my family for several years and when my sister was ready to mend fences, she reached out, very simply, and we rebuilt a close relationship. But it worked because neither of us wanted to get hung up on blame and we both made an effort to meet each other halfway. It was a slower process with my parents, but again, with good will on both sides, it worked.

Has there been absolutely no response to her message with the travel info? It's strange that she agreed in the first place. Maybe this is her way of saying she's not available on those specific days but could try to see you guys sometime before, after, or in between? You really need to just ask her as non-judgmentally as possible.