I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

[Anonymous]

Kindness instead of mean mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

I absolutely do. I have limited time, space, and money, and I choose to spend it on people I enjoy. Not inviting everyone to everything is not rude. I also don't expect to be invited to everything, particularly if I'm not especially close to the host. I don't get my knickers in a twist and shout "not fair". Because I'm an adult and am in charge of my feelings.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.

This. As evidenced in the difference between the concept that certain kids might not “click” and “other kids don’t like yours very much.”

They both mean the same thing. I, for one, don’t need “I don’t like you” to be couched as “we don’t click.” I’m just not that delicate.

As previous poster said - sociopath or psycho whatever you want to call it - something is very wrong with you. Mean mom.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.

This. As evidenced in the difference between the concept that certain kids might not “click” and “other kids don’t like yours very much.”

They both mean the same thing. I, for one, don’t need “I don’t like you” to be couched as “we don’t click.” I’m just not that delicate.

Apples fall close to the tree. I bet her kids say things like this. Scary.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's simple. People talk about the effects of social media on kids, and it is significant, but the answer to the OP's post is really about the effects of social media and access to things like DCUM on the internet on PARENTS. I'll bet our parents thought about these things sometimes, but they had no outlet to talk about them unless they cared enough to seek out a friend or relative and have a conversation. Now you can hop on the internet and vent to strangers while you are still in the heat of the moment.

The world would be a better place if people didn't post online when they are having a bad moment. Write it down and get it out of you but then...delete it. Or wait to post until you think about it a bit. Keep a journal or something.

I think posting is a good thing. You get it off your chest and don’t bother your friends with it. Also many perspectives. No one is forcing you to click on these threads.

Dp. I'm not so sure. Sometimes this serves as an echo chamber. Whereas before you might have just let go your issue that your tween doesn't have anyone to ToT, you start a thread here which turns into 5 page thread and then you and anonymous others have convinced yourself that it's a BIG deal! Then you start being extra-sensitive to slights, real or imagined.

That said, I don't really agree with OP's post. She sounds a little mean. The posts I see on here are just about helping kids navigate tough social situations and not just complaints that the kids weren't invited to every party out there. It's not a matter of my kid and yours just don't click so why should I force it, it's about kids who suddenly push one kid out a group for seemingly no reason (they must have clicked at some point right) or something like that. I saw that a lot growing up and that's really rough.

Np.

I'm not sure about this because upper elementary/middle school is when kids start to drive their own social lives whereas before it's mostly the parents arranging play dates.

If your kid is suddenly not getting invites, it doesn't necessarily mean he/she is being bullied or excluded, just that they're not particular friends of anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.

This. As evidenced in the difference between the concept that certain kids might not “click” and “other kids don’t like yours very much.”

I am the OP and I didn't write those.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are commenting about how they can’t invite 100 people and of course they can’t. But my main objection is to several parties I’ve seen on social media involving 20 or 30 middle school kids. These to me are the real problem because it looks like everyone’s there.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up our parents did not care who you liked or did not like, you invited everybody and you did not leave somebody out. You got over it and learned to be a gracious host.

You can't invite everyone. I'm sure you are exaggerating and left people out. Or were you inviting over 200 people to your parties?

There were not 200 girls in my class, there were 30 kids so 15 girls.

In high school, sure there were groups but everybody had a group. If there was a girls without a "group" somebody brought her into the fold. Nobody had nowhere to go on Halloween or on the weekends.

I went to a school with 100 girls per grade though.

So you cannot relate to the people whose kids are in classes of 600+ students who are left out and decide they are "weird" to worry about their socially isolated kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the parents stressing about their kids' social lives, agonizing about why they haven't been invited to this or that, writing tirades against the other parents for being "mean girls" and "social climbers" and assuming they are deliberately leaving your special snowflake out for Machiavellian reasons etc. etc. It utterly amazes me.

Have you ever thought that maybe the other kids just don't like your kid all that much and it's that simple? If you're on the periphery of a social group as it is, it's going to be "out of sight, out of mind" when you're not there. The simplest, kindest explanation is that the other kids are just not thinking to invite yours and you have to accept that.

Do you not remember what it's like to be this age? Friendships and their intensity change quickly at this age. I remember going through it myself and it would have been 1000% worse if I knew my mom was ruminating about it in her spare time instead of being benignly ignorant, as most tweens and teens hope for their parents to be about their social lives.

I know the parents writing these posts are going to say "well my kid doesn't know I am so stressed and worried about this" but I guarantee, if you are writing screeds about it on an anonymous message board, the emotion is apparent in your every day actions as well.

I have observed that this is the attitude that many parents have until it's their child being excluded or not being invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.

This. As evidenced in the difference between the concept that certain kids might not “click” and “other kids don’t like yours very much.”

They both mean the same thing. I, for one, don’t need “I don’t like you” to be couched as “we don’t click.” I’m just not that delicate.

As previous poster said - sociopath or psycho whatever you want to call it - something is very wrong with you. Mean mom.

Well I don’t really get the chance to be “mean mom” because I let my kids do all their social planning themselves. I don’t set up play dates, or make sure they’re included, or have something lined up all the time. At 10 and 13 they’re quite capable of doing that themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OPs general sentiment about social engineering, but I think her post sounds pretty mean.

This. As evidenced in the difference between the concept that certain kids might not “click” and “other kids don’t like yours very much.”

They both mean the same thing. I, for one, don’t need “I don’t like you” to be couched as “we don’t click.” I’m just not that delicate.

As previous poster said - sociopath or psycho whatever you want to call it - something is very wrong with you. Mean mom.

Well I don’t really get the chance to be “mean mom” because I let my kids do all their social planning themselves. I don’t set up play dates, or make sure they’re included, or have something lined up all the time. At 10 and 13 they’re quite capable of doing that themselves.

I’m not OP, btw.

[Anonymous]

What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

I absolutely do. I have limited time, space, and money, and I choose to spend it on people I enjoy. Not inviting everyone to everything is not rude. I also don't expect to be invited to everything, particularly if I'm not especially close to the host. I don't get my knickers in a twist and shout "not fair". Because I'm an adult and am in charge of my feelings.

I didn’t say other people get upset I just said what you do is rude. You are rude. Just own it if you can own your feelings you should own your actions as

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.

This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.

What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.

I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.

Agree 100%.

I get a kick out of the “there is absolutely no reason to have a smartphone or social media! None!” people. How about communication? Social interaction? Keeping up with their friends? Watching videos for FUN (oh, the horror!)? My daughter uses hers as her alarm. And a phone to call her friends. And to text. And to check out her friends Instagram. And to look up fun art projects. And to binge watch Friends on Netflix.

You may not like the reasons, but that’s on you. There are plenty of reasons in this day and age to have a smartphone and social media. I just monitor my daughters phone when necessary and talk about stuff that comes up as needed.

You do realize that they can do these things on your phone. Or many of them on an ipad that is used only at home/under supervision or on a home computer, again supervised. Or They don't need THEIR OWN PHONE to do these things.