Want a fourth but - money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a PITA to deal with travel and emergencies with 4. I have 3, my sister has 5. We have considered a 4th many times, but as our youngest gets older (she’s 2.5), we’re more and more at peace with “only” 3. It’s already difficult with vacation planning, getting a suite instead of a regular hotel room (or getting two separate rooms). Getting an Uber or regular taxi in a pinch is more difficult. It’s still doable, but it’s just more, and not in a fun way. These reasons alone may not be enough to nix having a 4th, but there examples of many inconveniences that I certainly didn’t think about when we were making #3.

Reading your post, though, OP, the only reason you need is that DH isn’t on board. It’s not that his feelings are more important than yours, it’s that you both can deal with your resentment as adults, but if he’s the one that gets the resentment, in this scenario, there’s another child that has to deal with it.

I'm not sure it's wise to base the decision on inconveniences like uber or hotel rooms...particularly with a HHI of $500k.

We have 4 kids. We travel a lot, and we either rent a suite, villa or two hotel rooms. And we've never used uber (rent a car, hire a driver, get a minivan/SUV taxi, etc.). And our HHI is *only* $250ish.

I cannot imagine 4 kids in this area on that income. We have that income and I don't get how you pay for college and to me to have kids today and not pay on that kind of income is very selfish.

?

The mortgage on our 5 bedroom colonial in MoCo is very low since we got lucky with the market when we traded up. (Lived frugally and saved for a big down payment on our starter home; worked since HS and during college, so we both had little nest eggs and investments starting young).

Our kids go to excellent public schools. (Zero tuition)

We never really had childcare costs since the grandparents were local (just typical 1/2 day nursery school and pre-k).

We didn't have student loans (parents paid for college, spouse paid for grad school for the other spouse---married younger than most in dcumlandia) and we have no debt other than the super low mortgage and one modest car payment.

One of us has a traditional pension; the other has a quasi pension. Plus, we're saving for retirement. Lots of investments.

One of us has a union/government type job, so our family has Cadillac health insurance. (Think: no deductible, $10 copays, zero costs to have a baby or surgery, prescriptions are $8, etc.).

We will inherit some money, and the grandparents are contributing to college savings. We went to state schools, and I hope our kids realize there's no need to spend $200k+ on college when UMCP still costs pennies comparatively speaking.

I think it's interesting that you assumed our financial situation is the same as yours simply based on HHI.

We travel. We have fun. The kids do a lot of activities and sports. We're frugal, but we have nice stuff. We don't worry about money.

There's really no need for you to believe we're selfish for bringing 4 kids into the world.

But, can you pay cash for 4 kids at UMD. If you didn't do the prepaid, the cost is still easily $100-130K per child depending on major, where they live, etc. We did the prepaid so its been long paid for and have a 529 for room and board, but I still cannot see doing it with 4 kids. But, since we don't have cash in hand, I'm not planning for inheritance or grandparents helping.

DP, but yes. I live in virginia (Arlington) with 4 kids and have over $200k per kid for them to go to college (in addition to buying them prepaids). Our HHI is about $250k a year. Its just about prioritizing things. We don't have a maid, I do my own laundry, I still work full time (which Iwould want to anyways). Stop projecting your money situation onto others.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have four kids (9,7,5,2). There are a lot of reasons to not have four children:
1. It can put a strain on your family financially if you are not ok with public schools. We live in an area with amazing public schools, so this was not an issue on us.
2. Saving for college can be tough. Again you have to prioritize, and that may not be worth it.
3. You're in the baby stage for longer than your friends/older kids friends parents. My youngest is two now but we still can't take him to a lot of family get togethers that my eldest gets invited to -- either timing doesn't work out or a lot of time its not really appropriate for a toddler. I've had a diaper bag for nine years now. I'm ready to shed some of this stuff.
4. Daycare is expensive. Its hard to keep working if you have four kids because things like meal planning and laundry and parenting can really be a full time job at this point. I manage, but only because my job is incredibly flexible.
5. Its hard to give all the kids equal attention. Finding time to read one on one at bedtime can be challenging, but not much more so than with three kids. If one of them is special needs, it can be really tough.

We've never had an issue with travelling (though we do stay in two rooms, but again I think you end up doing this with 3 kids if the kids are over the age of 8). Getting an uber can be tough, and eating out was never a priority for us. My youngest is the light of our lives, I can't even imagine not having him. The kids dote on him so much, they love having a big family, I don't regret the decision to have 4 at all.

[Anonymous]

Op, we have 4 kids and similar HHI as you. I totally get where you are coming from (I pushed my DH to have #4 - we had always talked about 3 and maybe 4). I also totally get where your DH is coming from - the reality of our life (and by “our” i mean my family) is that while we never worry about paying our monthly bills and we are saving for retirement, we still have to be careful about big expenses. So we don’t drive luxury cars, we stress about replacing our roof i a few years ($20K) or a new AC unit ($10K) and we do modest vacations.

I am not going to go into the minutiae of our finances, but a huge portion of our income right now goes to childcare and private school to until. For one of our kids - about $13K each month. These costs will go down for us in 3 years, at which point we will start aggressively saving for retirement and probably splurge more on vacations, etc.

It sounds ridiculous, but there are moments where my DH and i look st each other and wonder how we can make so much money and not feel “rich” because our lifestyle in nice but not excessive. I look at our four kids, and I know they are what makes us “rich” - not in some cheesy way, bu literally, it is a luxury to be a el to afford a house and activities and childcare in our area in DC.

You and your DH have to agree about whether or not you want to spend the $$ on another child. For us it was worth it, but we are in a minority in our neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

i told my husband to pay himself more before we had #4 and he did. suggest same

[Anonymous]

There's really no need for you to believe we're selfish for bringing 4 kids into the world

OP -- YOU are being selfish not repecting your husband's "NO"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something so deeply disturbing about a family bringing in half a million a year worrying that if they have a 4th child the other three won’t be properly privileged.

Really? Why?

Seems to be conscientious parenting to me.

[Anonymous]

Most people in this country raise their 3 or 4 children on less than 100K. They do fine. I know we do.

The country is now giving the OP the eye-roll.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are going now and you may think that as they age they will require less of you but the truth is the demands only grow. They need help with homework and to be driven to trumpet lessons and soccer practice x3 or 4! They also need your care and attention which is in limited supply. I do not think you should ever Intentionally bring a person into this world if one spouse is not 100% on board. I have three and always feel like I’m letting someone down.

[Anonymous]

Correction - “your kids are young now” they aren’t going anywhere! Not for a long time!