Want a fourth but - money

[Anonymous]

I don’t set an amount for having a child or 4 children or whatever amount you have. We made our decision based on age, married late, and finances and had one child.

Not every family prioritizes college. We happen to live in a region where College is a high priority for lots of families but NOVA has a higher percentage of the population with BA and advanced degrees. The expectation of most people on this board is that kids will go to college. I am sure that there are people posting here who do not have 529s or prepay for instate universities and expect that there kids will earn scholarships or take out loans. Not every parent sees it as their responsibility to pay for college for their children. My DH parents paid for most of his college but he had some loans. My parents paid for my college but I paid for graduate school. We are saving for our DS college and should have enough that he does not need loans. But I have friends with 7 kids and the kids are on their own for college. I have a friend with 2 kids and they were on their own for college. One child I know, different family, choose a military academy for college because they know that it will pay for college and medical school because her parents could not pay for college.

There are a good number of families out there with multiple kids who have not joined the pool and don’t take vacations because they have chosen to have a SAHP and multiple kids in our neighborhood. The one income is enough to pay the mortage, provide for the family in terms of food and clothes. But there is not a lot left over for vacations and other extras. the kids seem happy to me and are doing just fine.

Different families, different priorities. So I don’t think that there is a set income level for people to have kids. I would not want to have another chid if I could not provide them with food, clothes and a place to live but we all know that there are places were those basics are not a guarantee. So the idea that having a fourth kid, or third or second, is based on not wanting to diminish the type of vacations or extra curricular activities or pay for college is more likely then not eye roll inducing for the vast majority of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll play devil’s advocate to other posters. We had a 4th- similar ages to yours. My husband wasn’t on board at first but then changed his mind when our daughter was 1.5. This baby is the light of our lives (yes along with our other kids before DCUM bashes me). Our kids adore him. I’m so glad we had him. We have similar HHI to you and even if we can’t provide as much as we could to 3, they will be provided for.

To those saying it will harbor resentment if you have a fourth, it could also harbor resentment if you didn’t. Why are her DH’s feelings more valid than hers? We always said 4 but our 3rd was tough so we debated. I would have been upset and resented my husband if we didn’t go for the fourth.

It's not a matter of feelings. In this, as in all big decisions a couple faces, there need to be two yes votes to proceed. Any other approach is fraught with peril.

[Anonymous]

OP please try to get some kind of life outside of breastfeeding a baby. You can’t keep ha big babies to fill a void in your life. Your DH is right. He is being kind but is probably wondering what happened to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a PITA to deal with travel and emergencies with 4. I have 3, my sister has 5. We have considered a 4th many times, but as our youngest gets older (she’s 2.5), we’re more and more at peace with “only” 3. It’s already difficult with vacation planning, getting a suite instead of a regular hotel room (or getting two separate rooms). Getting an Uber or regular taxi in a pinch is more difficult. It’s still doable, but it’s just more, and not in a fun way. These reasons alone may not be enough to nix having a 4th, but there examples of many inconveniences that I certainly didn’t think about when we were making #3.

Reading your post, though, OP, the only reason you need is that DH isn’t on board. It’s not that his feelings are more important than yours, it’s that you both can deal with your resentment as adults, but if he’s the one that gets the resentment, in this scenario, there’s another child that has to deal with it.

I'm not sure it's wise to base the decision on inconveniences like uber or hotel rooms...particularly with a HHI of $500k.

We have 4 kids. We travel a lot, and we either rent a suite, villa or two hotel rooms. And we've never used uber (rent a car, hire a driver, get a minivan/SUV taxi, etc.). And our HHI is *only* $250ish.

I cannot imagine 4 kids in this area on that income. We have that income and I don't get how you pay for college and to me to have kids today and not pay on that kind of income is very selfish.

?

The mortgage on our 5 bedroom colonial in MoCo is very low since we got lucky with the market when we traded up. (Lived frugally and saved for a big down payment on our starter home; worked since HS and during college, so we both had little nest eggs and investments starting young).

Our kids go to excellent public schools. (Zero tuition)

We never really had childcare costs since the grandparents were local (just typical 1/2 day nursery school and pre-k).

We didn't have student loans (parents paid for college, spouse paid for grad school for the other spouse---married younger than most in dcumlandia) and we have no debt other than the super low mortgage and one modest car payment.

One of us has a traditional pension; the other has a quasi pension. Plus, we're saving for retirement. Lots of investments.

One of us has a union/government type job, so our family has Cadillac health insurance. (Think: no deductible, $10 copays, zero costs to have a baby or surgery, prescriptions are $8, etc.).

We will inherit some money, and the grandparents are contributing to college savings. We went to state schools, and I hope our kids realize there's no need to spend $200k+ on college when UMCP still costs pennies comparatively speaking.

I think it's interesting that you assumed our financial situation is the same as yours simply based on HHI.

We travel. We have fun. The kids do a lot of activities and sports. We're frugal, but we have nice stuff. We don't worry about money.

There's really no need for you to believe we're selfish for bringing 4 kids into the world.

But, can you pay cash for 4 kids at UMD. If you didn't do the prepaid, the cost is still easily $100-130K per child depending on major, where they live, etc. We did the prepaid so its been long paid for and have a 529 for room and board, but I still cannot see doing it with 4 kids. But, since we don't have cash in hand, I'm not planning for inheritance or grandparents helping.

https://academiccatalog.umd.edu/undergraduate/fees-expenses-financial-aid/tuition-fees/

In-state tuition at umcp is very affordable...especially if your kid commutes or lives off campus.

Again: just because your financial situation doesn't cut it doesn't mean others are in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

There is something so deeply disturbing about a family bringing in half a million a year worrying that if they have a 4th child the other three won’t be properly privileged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a PITA to deal with travel and emergencies with 4. I have 3, my sister has 5. We have considered a 4th many times, but as our youngest gets older (she’s 2.5), we’re more and more at peace with “only” 3. It’s already difficult with vacation planning, getting a suite instead of a regular hotel room (or getting two separate rooms). Getting an Uber or regular taxi in a pinch is more difficult. It’s still doable, but it’s just more, and not in a fun way. These reasons alone may not be enough to nix having a 4th, but there examples of many inconveniences that I certainly didn’t think about when we were making #3.

Reading your post, though, OP, the only reason you need is that DH isn’t on board. It’s not that his feelings are more important than yours, it’s that you both can deal with your resentment as adults, but if he’s the one that gets the resentment, in this scenario, there’s another child that has to deal with it.

I'm not sure it's wise to base the decision on inconveniences like uber or hotel rooms...particularly with a HHI of $500k.

We have 4 kids. We travel a lot, and we either rent a suite, villa or two hotel rooms. And we've never used uber (rent a car, hire a driver, get a minivan/SUV taxi, etc.). And our HHI is *only* $250ish.

I cannot imagine 4 kids in this area on that income. We have that income and I don't get how you pay for college and to me to have kids today and not pay on that kind of income is very selfish.

?

The mortgage on our 5 bedroom colonial in MoCo is very low since we got lucky with the market when we traded up. (Lived frugally and saved for a big down payment on our starter home; worked since HS and during college, so we both had little nest eggs and investments starting young).

Our kids go to excellent public schools. (Zero tuition)

We never really had childcare costs since the grandparents were local (just typical 1/2 day nursery school and pre-k).

We didn't have student loans (parents paid for college, spouse paid for grad school for the other spouse---married younger than most in dcumlandia) and we have no debt other than the super low mortgage and one modest car payment.

One of us has a traditional pension; the other has a quasi pension. Plus, we're saving for retirement. Lots of investments.

One of us has a union/government type job, so our family has Cadillac health insurance. (Think: no deductible, $10 copays, zero costs to have a baby or surgery, prescriptions are $8, etc.).

We will inherit some money, and the grandparents are contributing to college savings. We went to state schools, and I hope our kids realize there's no need to spend $200k+ on college when UMCP still costs pennies comparatively speaking.

I think it's interesting that you assumed our financial situation is the same as yours simply based on HHI.

We travel. We have fun. The kids do a lot of activities and sports. We're frugal, but we have nice stuff. We don't worry about money.

There's really no need for you to believe we're selfish for bringing 4 kids into the world.

But, can you pay cash for 4 kids at UMD. If you didn't do the prepaid, the cost is still easily $100-130K per child depending on major, where they live, etc. We did the prepaid so its been long paid for and have a 529 for room and board, but I still cannot see doing it with 4 kids. But, since we don't have cash in hand, I'm not planning for inheritance or grandparents helping.

https://academiccatalog.umd.edu/undergraduate/fees-expenses-financial-aid/tuition-fees/

In-state tuition at umcp is very affordable...especially if your kid commutes or lives off campus.

Again: just because your financial situation doesn't cut it doesn't mean others are in the same boat.

We have a prepaid and a 529 to pay for room, board, books and part of graduate school. We can afford it but to me afford it at the higher income level means at least paying fully for a four year college. Mine are also in multiple activities. Living off campus still has a cost between rent, utilities and food.

[Anonymous]

Grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a PITA to deal with travel and emergencies with 4. I have 3, my sister has 5. We have considered a 4th many times, but as our youngest gets older (she’s 2.5), we’re more and more at peace with “only” 3. It’s already difficult with vacation planning, getting a suite instead of a regular hotel room (or getting two separate rooms). Getting an Uber or regular taxi in a pinch is more difficult. It’s still doable, but it’s just more, and not in a fun way. These reasons alone may not be enough to nix having a 4th, but there examples of many inconveniences that I certainly didn’t think about when we were making #3.

Reading your post, though, OP, the only reason you need is that DH isn’t on board. It’s not that his feelings are more important than yours, it’s that you both can deal with your resentment as adults, but if he’s the one that gets the resentment, in this scenario, there’s another child that has to deal with it.

I'm not sure it's wise to base the decision on inconveniences like uber or hotel rooms...particularly with a HHI of $500k.

We have 4 kids. We travel a lot, and we either rent a suite, villa or two hotel rooms. And we've never used uber (rent a car, hire a driver, get a minivan/SUV taxi, etc.). And our HHI is *only* $250ish.

Exactly right—better to base decisions of this caliber on what DCUM thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a little googling on the environment. Stop being selfish

Can you please go over to the travel forum, the home improvement forum, or the politics forum?

Yeah, because it’s not at all relevant what kind of world my children will have to live in. They just inhabit the bubble of my imagination, for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP please try to get some kind of life outside of breastfeeding a baby. You can’t keep ha big babies to fill a void in your life. Your DH is right. He is being kind but is probably wondering what happened to his wife.

+1. Seriously, it’s not a clown car.

[Anonymous]

OP, isn't obvious that your DH does not want the 4th kid? He's just using the financial issue as an excuse to not having anymore children.

Do what you want or respect your DH's wish.

[Anonymous]

Just increase your income a bit

[Anonymous]

You can absolutely afford another. Raising kids to be happy and healthy adults is not just about how much you can buy them or how many expensive experiences you can give them. There are lots of very miserable rich kids.

The actual question is does he really want another. It doesn't sound like he does at this moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really want a fourth but my husband is less convinced. He is more focused on the financial aspect of another kid, which I realize is not insignificant. We make around 500k so we could afford another kid but in his eyes, it would detract from the lifestyle we could provide for the three we have right now. With our three, we can afford to fully pay for their educations, do some pretty cool travel, let them go to whatever camps or extracurricular activities they want, etc. etc.

The point is, we don't really have to worry about money right now but we might after having a fourth.

Is that a good reason not to have a child you want?

If your HHI is half a million annually and you are worried that you shouldn't have another child because of money then you need some serious financial counseling!

[Anonymous]

Money is a good reason to stop. So is the fact that your DH does not want another child.

Enjoy your 3 and your $500k.